Sheri Samotin
President, LifeBridge Solutions
Sheri Samotin brings more than 30 years of business and management experience to LifeBridge Solutions. She is a Certified National Guardian, Certified Daily Money Manager & Certified Professional Coach. She is the author of Facing the Finish: A Road Map for Aging Parents and Adult Children.
Show:
Articles Question
Question
Does the health care POA have the right to withhold information and do they have all the power?
When someone appoints their fiduciaries (power of attorney, health care surrogate, successor trustee, etc.) while they are legally... When someone appoints their fiduciaries (power of attorney, health care surrogate, successor trustee, etc.) while they are legally competent to do so those fiduciaries (known as Agents) have the full legal authority to make decisions on behalf of the person who appointed them per the terms of the appointing documents. This means, for example, that if your dad's health care document says that your brother can act, as Agent, if and only if dad is incapacitated per the definition in the document, then dad gets to call the shots as long as he hasn't been found to be incapacitated by that definition. In other words, dad is presumed to have decision-making capacity unless he has been found otherwise per the terms of the appointing documents. Sometimes the documents require two physicians to declare incapacity in writing, sometimes only one, and sometimes, unfortunately, it is left vague. Power of attorney documents most often are "durable" and "non-springing". This means that they become effective immediately at signing and don't rely on a determination of incapacity. However, these documents generally only govern financial affairs, not health care or living situations. So, the first thing is to read (or have someone who knows what they are looking at do so) the appointing documents and then to determine whether your father has been adjudicated incapacitated per the definition in the documents. If, after that, you feel that something is amiss, you can contest the documents and/or your brother's actions through the courts. Obviously, this is disruptive and costly, so if you can find another solution to resolving the dispute that would be preferred.
Sheri see more
Sheri see more
Question
How do I take charge when one sibling manipulates our Dad with his children involved as well?
I have a slightly different take. While I agree that simply making "bad" decisions (or ones that are different than those we... I have a slightly different take.
While I agree that simply making "bad" decisions (or ones that are different than those we might make in the same circumstance) does not mean that someone no longer has capacity, this MIGHT be a sign that your father is suffering from memory impairment or other cognitive decline. The POA document itself will state how "capacity" is to be determined -- sometimes, it states that two physicians must put their finding in writing. Sometimes, there are other triggers. However, as POA, if you feel that your father might have become incapacitated (or be on the way), you could consider taking him for a neuropsychological evaluation by a properly credentialed professional. This is an in-depth look at memory, decision making, and other cognitive measures and is an accepted way of determining capacity. If the evaluation comes back that your father still has capacity, then you will need to find a way to work within the reality of the situation, for now. Alternatively, you might learn that you ARE able to invoke the POA and take charge. As I caution all of my clients, be sure that you take charge without taking over. There is a fine line...
Sheri Samotin, CPC, PDMM
Author of Facing the FInish: A Road Map for Aging Parents and Adult Children see more
While I agree that simply making "bad" decisions (or ones that are different than those we might make in the same circumstance) does not mean that someone no longer has capacity, this MIGHT be a sign that your father is suffering from memory impairment or other cognitive decline. The POA document itself will state how "capacity" is to be determined -- sometimes, it states that two physicians must put their finding in writing. Sometimes, there are other triggers. However, as POA, if you feel that your father might have become incapacitated (or be on the way), you could consider taking him for a neuropsychological evaluation by a properly credentialed professional. This is an in-depth look at memory, decision making, and other cognitive measures and is an accepted way of determining capacity. If the evaluation comes back that your father still has capacity, then you will need to find a way to work within the reality of the situation, for now. Alternatively, you might learn that you ARE able to invoke the POA and take charge. As I caution all of my clients, be sure that you take charge without taking over. There is a fine line...
Sheri Samotin, CPC, PDMM
Author of Facing the FInish: A Road Map for Aging Parents and Adult Children see more
Question
My brother has POA and disagrees with my wife and I decision to get my Mom out of a NH. What can I do?
Hi there. Like the others, I'm sorry for the difficult situation you face. Here are a few concrete ideas: 1. Have you seen the Power... Hi there. Like the others, I'm sorry for the difficult situation you face.
Here are a few concrete ideas:
1. Have you seen the Power of Attorney and Health Care Surrogate paperwork with your own eyes? If not, it is time to get hold of a copy. Depending upon what these documents say, you might have some options.
2. Assuming that the documents are valid and were sign when your mother had capacity to do so, then they are the governing documents and if they appoint your brother as sole decision maker then that limits your options. If you feel that your mother is being abused (including financially) by your brother, you can make a report to adult protective services or petition the court for guardianship. However, if you go this route, you will need to be able to make the case that your mother is suffering from abuse or neglect and that it is because of something your brother is (or is not) doing.
3. Try to have a family meeting with your brother and work through some of these issues, perhaps with an objective third party facilitating the conversation(s). Perhaps there are answers to many of your questions and once you know those answers your brother's decision making will make more sense to you.
It can be very difficult to be the sibling on the "outside" and I always coach my clients who are the POAs, etc. to over-communicate with their siblings to avoid a scenario like this one.
Good luck!
Sheri Samotin, CPC, PDMM
Author of Facing the Finish: A Road Map for Aging Parents and Adult Children see more
Here are a few concrete ideas:
1. Have you seen the Power of Attorney and Health Care Surrogate paperwork with your own eyes? If not, it is time to get hold of a copy. Depending upon what these documents say, you might have some options.
2. Assuming that the documents are valid and were sign when your mother had capacity to do so, then they are the governing documents and if they appoint your brother as sole decision maker then that limits your options. If you feel that your mother is being abused (including financially) by your brother, you can make a report to adult protective services or petition the court for guardianship. However, if you go this route, you will need to be able to make the case that your mother is suffering from abuse or neglect and that it is because of something your brother is (or is not) doing.
3. Try to have a family meeting with your brother and work through some of these issues, perhaps with an objective third party facilitating the conversation(s). Perhaps there are answers to many of your questions and once you know those answers your brother's decision making will make more sense to you.
It can be very difficult to be the sibling on the "outside" and I always coach my clients who are the POAs, etc. to over-communicate with their siblings to avoid a scenario like this one.
Good luck!
Sheri Samotin, CPC, PDMM
Author of Facing the Finish: A Road Map for Aging Parents and Adult Children see more
Question
What if the judge won't appoint someone guardianship?
Guardianship is a state-by-state proceeding. However, as a National Certified Guardian I am able to provide some general help. To start... Guardianship is a state-by-state proceeding. However, as a National Certified Guardian I am able to provide some general help.
To start a guardianship, someone has to "petition" the Court stating that the "alleged incapacitated person" (AIP) is unable to handle his or her affairs. The Petitioner can be anyone -- a family member, friend, adult protective services, physician, etc. -- with awareness that the AIP is a danger to himself or others. The prospective petitioner would contact an experienced guardianship attorney who would file the required papers with the court. These papers must include a discussion of why there is no "less restrictive alternative" than guardianship. In other words, does the AIP have a durable power of attorney document? If so, where is the person who was appointed to step up, and is he or she prepared to serve in the role they were appointed to? Assuming there is not evidence of a less restrictive alternative, the court will then appoint an attorney to represent the interests of the AIP and an examining committee, generally composed of three qualified professionals, each of whom will meet with the AIP and review the situation and provide the court with a written report. There will then be a hearing to determine if the AIP does or does not need a guardian and to further consider whether there is a less restrictive alternative.
I hope this is helpful.
-- Sheri Samotin, NCG, PDMM, CPC, MBA see more
To start a guardianship, someone has to "petition" the Court stating that the "alleged incapacitated person" (AIP) is unable to handle his or her affairs. The Petitioner can be anyone -- a family member, friend, adult protective services, physician, etc. -- with awareness that the AIP is a danger to himself or others. The prospective petitioner would contact an experienced guardianship attorney who would file the required papers with the court. These papers must include a discussion of why there is no "less restrictive alternative" than guardianship. In other words, does the AIP have a durable power of attorney document? If so, where is the person who was appointed to step up, and is he or she prepared to serve in the role they were appointed to? Assuming there is not evidence of a less restrictive alternative, the court will then appoint an attorney to represent the interests of the AIP and an examining committee, generally composed of three qualified professionals, each of whom will meet with the AIP and review the situation and provide the court with a written report. There will then be a hearing to determine if the AIP does or does not need a guardian and to further consider whether there is a less restrictive alternative.
I hope this is helpful.
-- Sheri Samotin, NCG, PDMM, CPC, MBA see more
Question
What is the difference between a nursing home and extended assisted living?
This is a licensure question and depends upon state regulations. For example, here in Florida, we have three levels of ALF license. The... This is a licensure question and depends upon state regulations. For example, here in Florida, we have three levels of ALF license. The highest level, ECC (extended congregate care) allows the facility to provide many (but not all) of the same services as a skilled nursing facility. However, just because a place has a license and "can" provide these services doesn't mean that it does a good job of actually doing so. In my experience, most of the ECC licensed ALFs don't do a great job of providing true 24/7 care to a particular patient. While the nursing staff is present, they can't be delivering hands on assistance to all of the residents at the same time. So the real question is what exactly your Mom needs and whether the facility can be reasonably expected to provide it. If not, you may be able to supplement the care provided with private duty care if financial resources permit, or a placement in a SNF might be the more appropriate care setting.
Sheri see more
Sheri see more
Question
How do you care for parents and arrange move into Assisted Living when kids are across the country?
Working with a family transition coach or geriatric care manager is probably your best solution. These professionals do this all day,... Working with a family transition coach or geriatric care manager is probably your best solution. These professionals do this all day, every day and will be familiar with the resources in your parent's area.
Sheri see more
Sheri see more
Question
How do I become a guardian or caregiver? I am thinking of a career change.
Many (and maybe all, I'm not sure) states regulate guardians. In my state (FL) you have to take a course, pass a test, and hold a... Many (and maybe all, I'm not sure) states regulate guardians. In my state (FL) you have to take a course, pass a test, and hold a state license and be bonded. You then have to have continuing education credits. There is a national association of guardians, as well as state organizations. That is probably the best place for you to start.
Sheri see more
Sheri see more
Question
How do I help mom control her spending if I don't have Power of Attorney?
As a daily money manager, I often help older adults to understand what money is coming in, and what is going out, and then we put a budget... As a daily money manager, I often help older adults to understand what money is coming in, and what is going out, and then we put a budget together. I also help them to reconcile their accounts at the end of the month (or do it for them). You might try this and see if it helps.
Sheri see more
Sheri see more
Question
Where can my mom who is legally blind get help with shopping and bill paying?
Another option is to find a daily money manager to handle the bill paying and other "business of life" activities if you want to... Another option is to find a daily money manager to handle the bill paying and other "business of life" activities if you want to keep these with someone with the training and expertise to handle those types of activities.
Sheri see more
Sheri see more
Question
I have power of attorney for my mother. My sister who lives in another state wants me to provide a ledger to h...
So, I'm probably not going to be popular with you all, but here goes. I am a family transition coach, and I specialize in working with... So, I'm probably not going to be popular with you all, but here goes.
I am a family transition coach, and I specialize in working with families in your situation. My perspective is that anything that can be done to foster communication among siblings regarding their aging parents is a good thing. I would use your sister's request as an opportunity to begin to work together. For example, why not tell her how pleased you are that she is interested in becoming more involved in Mom's care, and tell her you'd like to convene a family meeting. If you have other siblings, they should be invited too. The meeting can take place in person or by conference call, whatever makes sense for your family. Depoending upon your Mom's condition, it might make sense for her to participate in the meeting too.
Create an agenda for the family meeting, starting with you, as the primary caregiver, giving an update on the situation -- describe Mom's current condition, her prognosis, her current care needs, anticipated care needs, and a report on the financial situation (Mom's income, expenses, assets, liabilities, monthly or annual budget, and insurance) complete with handouts. Then, present a list of all of the caregiving needs, irrespective of who is currently providing them. That should include the need for funds, the need for respite for the primary caregiver, as well as hands on care, companionship, transportation, and coordination (including bill paying, insurance claim resolution, etc.). Once the siblings have the full "as is" picture and that list of needs, ask each of
them to indicate what resources they can bring to the table. Some will bring money, others will bring time, and others may not be willing or able to contribute in any way other than being emotionally supportive of Mom and her caregivers. At the conclusion of the meeting, agree on a method of keeping the channels of communication open, and for any next steps. For example, you may all agree that a quarterly financial update is appropriate. Or, one sibling may take on the responsibilitiy of being the one to email everyone once a week or once a month a caregiving update covering all aspects of the "project".
Often, the sibling who has filled the vacuum and is serving as the sole caregiver for the parent feels taken for granted and frustrated. On the other hand, the other siblings sometimes wonder who "appointed you queen" or don't know how to offer to help because you give the impression that you have everything under control. The family dynamics are complicated!
I recommend a book called "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo for families in your situation.
I hope this helps a little.
-- Sheri
As you can see, my view is that see more
I am a family transition coach, and I specialize in working with families in your situation. My perspective is that anything that can be done to foster communication among siblings regarding their aging parents is a good thing. I would use your sister's request as an opportunity to begin to work together. For example, why not tell her how pleased you are that she is interested in becoming more involved in Mom's care, and tell her you'd like to convene a family meeting. If you have other siblings, they should be invited too. The meeting can take place in person or by conference call, whatever makes sense for your family. Depoending upon your Mom's condition, it might make sense for her to participate in the meeting too.
Create an agenda for the family meeting, starting with you, as the primary caregiver, giving an update on the situation -- describe Mom's current condition, her prognosis, her current care needs, anticipated care needs, and a report on the financial situation (Mom's income, expenses, assets, liabilities, monthly or annual budget, and insurance) complete with handouts. Then, present a list of all of the caregiving needs, irrespective of who is currently providing them. That should include the need for funds, the need for respite for the primary caregiver, as well as hands on care, companionship, transportation, and coordination (including bill paying, insurance claim resolution, etc.). Once the siblings have the full "as is" picture and that list of needs, ask each of
them to indicate what resources they can bring to the table. Some will bring money, others will bring time, and others may not be willing or able to contribute in any way other than being emotionally supportive of Mom and her caregivers. At the conclusion of the meeting, agree on a method of keeping the channels of communication open, and for any next steps. For example, you may all agree that a quarterly financial update is appropriate. Or, one sibling may take on the responsibilitiy of being the one to email everyone once a week or once a month a caregiving update covering all aspects of the "project".
Often, the sibling who has filled the vacuum and is serving as the sole caregiver for the parent feels taken for granted and frustrated. On the other hand, the other siblings sometimes wonder who "appointed you queen" or don't know how to offer to help because you give the impression that you have everything under control. The family dynamics are complicated!
I recommend a book called "They're Your Parents Too" by Francine Russo for families in your situation.
I hope this helps a little.
-- Sheri
As you can see, my view is that see more
Question
What should I do when my mother wants to help but ends up doing it her way?
I'd suggest telling your Mom you'd like to "assign" her a few meaningful tasks that would "help you out so... I'd suggest telling your Mom you'd like to "assign" her a few meaningful tasks that would "help you out so much" aand ask her for some ideas of things that need doing that she most enjoys to do or is "best at". Select a few from HER list and "assign" them to her, not forgetting to tell her how much you appreciate having her help. Then let her go about them her way, even if it takes her longer to do them then it would take you, and even if you'd do them a different way. Each of us wants to find meaning in our lives. As we age, that can get harder and harder. By "helping out", your mother has a way to maintain her dignity. If she's cognitively aware, (and she must be doing pretty well since she still drives!) she wants to feel like she's still "good for something". I appreciate how frustrating this can be for you, and I don't mean to minimize that. However, try to imagine how frustrated your mom must feel. The intent of my suggestion is to find a way to meet your mom's need to be useful and minimize your frustration.
-- Sheri see more
-- Sheri see more
Question
My brother is my mother's POA, but I'm her caregiver. How can I ask him to give me money, not only for her exp...
Unfortunately, as the replies indicate, this is not an unusual scenario. The best solution in my view is for you and your brother to come... Unfortunately, as the replies indicate, this is not an unusual scenario. The best solution in my view is for you and your brother to come together on behalf of your Mom.
The way I approach this with the families I work with is to conduct a joint conversation (in person or by conference call, depending on logistics) to set objectives and expectations and outline a process. I then meet with each party privately by phone or in person (in your case, you, your husband, your brother, and his spouse/partner if he has one). I am assuming that your Mom's cognitive impairment is at the point that she can't contribute to the conversation, but if this isn't the case, I would meet with her privately too.
Once I've given each person the opportunity to share his or her thoughts and concerns with me in confidence, I provide feedback regarding the areas of agreement and the areas where the parties differ. I often find that there are many more areas to agree on, but sometimes it is effective for all parties to see this for themselves. We can then focus on reaching agreement on those areas of disagreement. I facilitate this by suggesting alternative solutions that may require compromise, or by making strong recommendations where I, as an objective third party, believe that there is one solution that is in your Mom's best interest.
-- Sheri see more
The way I approach this with the families I work with is to conduct a joint conversation (in person or by conference call, depending on logistics) to set objectives and expectations and outline a process. I then meet with each party privately by phone or in person (in your case, you, your husband, your brother, and his spouse/partner if he has one). I am assuming that your Mom's cognitive impairment is at the point that she can't contribute to the conversation, but if this isn't the case, I would meet with her privately too.
Once I've given each person the opportunity to share his or her thoughts and concerns with me in confidence, I provide feedback regarding the areas of agreement and the areas where the parties differ. I often find that there are many more areas to agree on, but sometimes it is effective for all parties to see this for themselves. We can then focus on reaching agreement on those areas of disagreement. I facilitate this by suggesting alternative solutions that may require compromise, or by making strong recommendations where I, as an objective third party, believe that there is one solution that is in your Mom's best interest.
-- Sheri see more
Question
Mom is angry and wants to revoke POA. I am the only child. What should I do?
I'd suggest that you consult with the attorney who prepared the POA and let him/her in on what's going on. If she is no longer... I'd suggest that you consult with the attorney who prepared the POA and let him/her in on what's going on. If she is no longer considered to be "competent" by the legal definition, then she can't revoke the POA. In any event, I'm sure the attorney will agree that it is a bad idea for her to do so, at least without naming someone else to serve in that role. If the lawyer is a trusted advisor, perhaps your Mom will accept his/her input on this matter and will back down.
-- Sheri see more
-- Sheri see more
Question
How can I physically remove my mother from her home and move her into an Assisted Living Facility?
Hi Bree, It sounds like a complicated situation, and it's hard to give much advice without the answers to a few questions. You mention... Hi Bree,
It sounds like a complicated situation, and it's hard to give much advice without the answers to a few questions.
You mention that your Mom is in denial regarding the diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, which is not unusual. Was the diagnosis explained to her by a trusted physician with whom she's had a relationship for awhile? If not, I'd suggest you try that.
Others have brought up the issue of Power of Attorney. Do you have this (and the other critical legal documents in place)? If not, you need to determine immediately whether she is still able to sign such a document (or if her dementia has already rendered her unable to do so). An attorney in your state is the best person to address this. As others have said, if you DO have a valid POA, you are in a position that you can take action. In the event that it's too late to get a POA, the attorney will be able to advise you regarding seeking conservatorship or guardianship.
Are you sure that assisted living is the right placement for Mom? The answer to this is determined both by her condition and prognosis, as well as by the financial resources available to her. One of the things you have to think about is whether there will be enough money to take care of her until the end of her journey. The decision you make in the short run regarding where is best for her to live should be based on thinking through a budget. If a placement is indeed the right move at this time, you may need to look into a facility with a memory unit, especially if your Mom is at risk of wandering outside of the facility and getting lost or injured.
If all of the above has been thought about, is the key issue that Mom just says she doesn't want to move? If so, there are a number of options to try. Perhaps a short stay at the facility you have chosen is possible. Many allow for "respite stays" which would allow your Mom to "visit" for a few days. In my practice, I've experienced situations where Mom then doesn't want to go home because she's already acclimated to her new environment. As an alternative, perhaps getting an objective third party involved will help. This person can talk with your Mom and try to get an understanding of what is underlying her unwillingness to consider moving. I've often seen that the denial is really about fear and sadness, and if those feelings can be aired and validated that the elder will eventually come up with the idea of moving on her own.
Good luck, and know that you're not alone!
-- Sheri see more
It sounds like a complicated situation, and it's hard to give much advice without the answers to a few questions.
You mention that your Mom is in denial regarding the diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease, which is not unusual. Was the diagnosis explained to her by a trusted physician with whom she's had a relationship for awhile? If not, I'd suggest you try that.
Others have brought up the issue of Power of Attorney. Do you have this (and the other critical legal documents in place)? If not, you need to determine immediately whether she is still able to sign such a document (or if her dementia has already rendered her unable to do so). An attorney in your state is the best person to address this. As others have said, if you DO have a valid POA, you are in a position that you can take action. In the event that it's too late to get a POA, the attorney will be able to advise you regarding seeking conservatorship or guardianship.
Are you sure that assisted living is the right placement for Mom? The answer to this is determined both by her condition and prognosis, as well as by the financial resources available to her. One of the things you have to think about is whether there will be enough money to take care of her until the end of her journey. The decision you make in the short run regarding where is best for her to live should be based on thinking through a budget. If a placement is indeed the right move at this time, you may need to look into a facility with a memory unit, especially if your Mom is at risk of wandering outside of the facility and getting lost or injured.
If all of the above has been thought about, is the key issue that Mom just says she doesn't want to move? If so, there are a number of options to try. Perhaps a short stay at the facility you have chosen is possible. Many allow for "respite stays" which would allow your Mom to "visit" for a few days. In my practice, I've experienced situations where Mom then doesn't want to go home because she's already acclimated to her new environment. As an alternative, perhaps getting an objective third party involved will help. This person can talk with your Mom and try to get an understanding of what is underlying her unwillingness to consider moving. I've often seen that the denial is really about fear and sadness, and if those feelings can be aired and validated that the elder will eventually come up with the idea of moving on her own.
Good luck, and know that you're not alone!
-- Sheri see more
Question
My elderly mom has power of attorney for my elderly aunt who lives in assisted living, but we need help figuri...
All the points raised above are good. You may not need an attorney if the issues are "business" issues, rather than legal ones. ... All the points raised above are good. You may not need an attorney if the issues are "business" issues, rather than legal ones. Assuming the POA is valid, what you really need is help thinking through all of the decisions. One of the critical questions is the timing of selling the assets -- does your aunt need the money now to pay for the assisted living, or are there other assets that will last for awhile? Is the house fully paid for, or is there a mortgage? Have you created a budget that shows how your aunt will pay for her care and how long those resources will last? If not, you'll need help with this too. Are there other sources of money, like a long term care insurance policy that might be paying benefits now?
I'd suggest that in addition to considering elder care attorneys to help with these issues that you consider a family transition coach or consultant who is familiar with these sorts of decisions.
-- Sheri see more
I'd suggest that in addition to considering elder care attorneys to help with these issues that you consider a family transition coach or consultant who is familiar with these sorts of decisions.
-- Sheri see more
Question
Please help. Am I a selfish horrible person if I want my mom to leave me alone sometimes?
Karen, It seems like your Mom can use some help, of the professional variety. Is sounds as though your Mom has some deep issues and would... Karen,
It seems like your Mom can use some help, of the professional variety. Is sounds as though your Mom has some deep issues and would benefit from counseling. Has her doctor ever suggested this? It may require that the doctor go so far as to "insist" that she needs to "be evaluated" and that would at least get her in the door of a mental health professional. Based on your description, I'd enlist the support of her pastor as well. While counseling might help your Mom deal with her fear of being alone, at the same time, her pastor can help her to become involved at the church.
Your Mom is very lukcy to have you as her daughter. What you are handling isn't easy. You need to make sure that you provide yourself with some distance from the situation too, like many of the other comments suggest. In some communities, there is a "friendly visitor" program. Call your local Area Agency on Aging or Eldercare hotline and see if this exists near you.
Finally, the transition to senior housing is often difficult. My blog has a number of articles about this which you might find helpful. I frequently find myself working with families like yours, and while the process may take some time, once your Mom can "own" the idea of transitioning to a different living situation, she might be willing to give it a try. Since it sounds like she is able to make decisions for herself, it is important that you allow her the dignity to be a part of the solution and don't fall into the trap of taking over and saying "this is how it's going to be."
Hang in there.
-- Sheri see more
It seems like your Mom can use some help, of the professional variety. Is sounds as though your Mom has some deep issues and would benefit from counseling. Has her doctor ever suggested this? It may require that the doctor go so far as to "insist" that she needs to "be evaluated" and that would at least get her in the door of a mental health professional. Based on your description, I'd enlist the support of her pastor as well. While counseling might help your Mom deal with her fear of being alone, at the same time, her pastor can help her to become involved at the church.
Your Mom is very lukcy to have you as her daughter. What you are handling isn't easy. You need to make sure that you provide yourself with some distance from the situation too, like many of the other comments suggest. In some communities, there is a "friendly visitor" program. Call your local Area Agency on Aging or Eldercare hotline and see if this exists near you.
Finally, the transition to senior housing is often difficult. My blog has a number of articles about this which you might find helpful. I frequently find myself working with families like yours, and while the process may take some time, once your Mom can "own" the idea of transitioning to a different living situation, she might be willing to give it a try. Since it sounds like she is able to make decisions for herself, it is important that you allow her the dignity to be a part of the solution and don't fall into the trap of taking over and saying "this is how it's going to be."
Hang in there.
-- Sheri see more
Question
My dad used to do everything for my mom, but since his death she depends on me for everything. How can I handl...
You don't mention your Mom's living situation, or her health and cognitive status. All of these things will determine the best way... You don't mention your Mom's living situation, or her health and cognitive status. All of these things will determine the best way to handle things. If you can provide a bit more information about your Mom and you it would allow me to be more helpful. Do you and she live close to one another? Do you have siblings? Does your Mom have close relatives (like a sister or brother) nearby? Does she still drive? Your answers to all of these questions will have a huge impact on your options.
-- Sheri see more
-- Sheri see more
Question
How can siblings work together to pay for mom's Assisted Living Expenses?
The best bet is to prepare a family transition plan, identifying all of your combined reources, who will pay for what, etc. Once you are... The best bet is to prepare a family transition plan, identifying all of your combined reources, who will pay for what, etc. Once you are all in agreement, the mechanics are pretty simple, but depend upon the situation. Also, there are IRS forms you can each use to record the shared responsibility for your Mom as long as it is clear whether or not she is being claimed as a dependent on someone's tax return.
As a family transition coach, this is one of the issues I help siblings deal with and there are as many answers to your question as there are families. Please feel free to contact me to discuss your specific situation -- no charge for that initial conversation.
-- Sheri see more
As a family transition coach, this is one of the issues I help siblings deal with and there are as many answers to your question as there are families. Please feel free to contact me to discuss your specific situation -- no charge for that initial conversation.
-- Sheri see more
Question
How can I make the transition to assisted living easier for my mother who is scared?
Perhaps the most difficult aspect of helping your aging parent transition to assisted living when she doesn't see the need to do so is... Perhaps the most difficult aspect of helping your aging parent transition to assisted living when she doesn't see the need to do so is overcoming your own guilt. It is natural for you to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing, but if you are convinced that you are, then the most important action is to ACT! The longer your Mom stays in her current living situation, the more likely it is that a crisis such as a fall will occur, making the move ever more urgent. It is always better to transition calmly than to do so in crisis mode. So, what can you do to help your Mom accept the decision that you have made?
One of the best ways to help your Mom to see the benefits of a move is to allow her to see what she is moving to. Many communities will allow short stays for prospective residents (and others). If your chosen community allows this, it can be a great way to introduce your Mom to the new environment, while still letting her "come home again" before making the move permanent. A week or so is a good length of time for a short stay. Perhaps you can do this if you will be away for a vacation of your own or have a business trip planned. I've actually heard of aging parents who decide not to return to their former residence once they've tried out their new community!
Another possibility is to engage your Mom in the process of choosing what furniture, household items, and personal treasures to take to her new home. One of the hardest things for your Mom is parting with all of those things he or she has accumulated over a lifetime, and moving to a retirement community usually means downsizing and parting with some of those things. Perhaps there is a favorite chair or dresser that will make the new space feel more like home and help your Mom get over having to get rid of the rest. Maybe some special window treatments or new bedding can be made for the new space that will make it feel fresh. Hanging favorite photos or art on the walls and making sure the place is all set up for your Mom will help to make the whole move less overwhelming. If you are good at imagining an empty room as a home and have the time and energy to set up the new space, then by all means you should take this project on yourself. If not, you might consider engaging a senior move manager who can coordinate the entire project.
Good luck with this! It's never easy.
Sheri see more
One of the best ways to help your Mom to see the benefits of a move is to allow her to see what she is moving to. Many communities will allow short stays for prospective residents (and others). If your chosen community allows this, it can be a great way to introduce your Mom to the new environment, while still letting her "come home again" before making the move permanent. A week or so is a good length of time for a short stay. Perhaps you can do this if you will be away for a vacation of your own or have a business trip planned. I've actually heard of aging parents who decide not to return to their former residence once they've tried out their new community!
Another possibility is to engage your Mom in the process of choosing what furniture, household items, and personal treasures to take to her new home. One of the hardest things for your Mom is parting with all of those things he or she has accumulated over a lifetime, and moving to a retirement community usually means downsizing and parting with some of those things. Perhaps there is a favorite chair or dresser that will make the new space feel more like home and help your Mom get over having to get rid of the rest. Maybe some special window treatments or new bedding can be made for the new space that will make it feel fresh. Hanging favorite photos or art on the walls and making sure the place is all set up for your Mom will help to make the whole move less overwhelming. If you are good at imagining an empty room as a home and have the time and energy to set up the new space, then by all means you should take this project on yourself. If not, you might consider engaging a senior move manager who can coordinate the entire project.
Good luck with this! It's never easy.
Sheri see more
I'm getting guardianship for Mom (100). It costs $500. Now what's my responsibility and can I charge the trust...