Carol Bradley Bursack, CDSGF
Author, speaker, columnist and eldercare consultant
Over the span of two decades, author, columnist, consultant and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Her experiences inspired her to pen "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories," a portable support group book for caregivers.
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Question
What is a good disposable underwear that prevents odor?
@burtcaregiver, Sorry, somehow my post above went live prematurely, and I wasn't aware of that. Anyway, Egosan can be found on Amazon.... @burtcaregiver, Sorry, somehow my post above went live prematurely, and I wasn't aware of that. Anyway, Egosan can be found on Amazon. Odor prevention, skin-protective, aloe-infused linings. One caregiver on a forum I moderate called them a lifesaver. She uses them at night for her mom and uses a cheaper brand - Depends, I think - during the day. Another said they call them her husband's "wunderpants." Worth trying if you are struggling. Everyone is different, so wishing you luck. Caring for someone living with incontinence is tough. see more
Question
What is a good disposable underwear that prevents odor?
Caregivers have thanked me after I've suggested EGOSAN (they are one of my clients). They are premium products with hyper-absorbent... Caregivers have thanked me after I've suggested EGOSAN (they are one of my clients). They are premium products with hyper-absorbent linings that turn urine into gel deep ins see more
Question
My mother is 54 and she is experiencing symptoms of early onset dementia. Is there something that can be done...
@cwillie - great memory! It's wonderful to see YOU (still) here. :-)
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My mother is 54 and she is experiencing symptoms of early onset dementia. Is there something that can be done...
Your poor mom! This has to be so hard for your whole family (especially the 15-year-old son). I agree with the comments about seeing a... Your poor mom! This has to be so hard for your whole family (especially the 15-year-old son). I agree with the comments about seeing a neurologist, but first she needs a checkup with a doctor who will go over all of her medications and do extensive blood work. Many medications (OTC and well as prescriptions) are anticholinergic so they will make the brain less responsive. For some people, this can carry over into confusion and forgetfulness. Thyroid issues as well as other bodily functions can also create dementia symptoms for some people. I'm not trying to give false hope since there's a good chance that this is early on-set Alzheimer's or another form of early dementia. That said, a thorough checkup should be done. Then, most likely, a visit to a neurologist is indicated for extensive testing. Best wishes and a huge hug. see more
Question
How do I be nice every darned day?
Oh, my, Senior Struggles, how your life reminds me of what mine was like (only - it's hard to believe - I think you are juggling even... Oh, my, Senior Struggles, how your life reminds me of what mine was like (only - it's hard to believe - I think you are juggling even more than I did, though I did have children involved (one very ill). So we're different but still so very much alike). I didn't manage it all perfectly by any means, but I did use the help of a nursing home near my house (at the time. AL wasn't so prevalent). That's the only thing that I can see that will help your life, as well - get them all into safer enviroments.
Try to look at it like this: You are providing enormous care to each individual as well as working more than full-time and trying to keep your own relationship alive. That's enough for five people let alone one. Your own health/sanity will eventually go and then what? All of these people wouldn't have a prayer of getting care. Your aunt could lie on the floor for days and starve. Your other relatives could have equal disasters. At least getting them all into care gives you a prayer of continuing to see them regularly and do nice little extras for them, as well as advocate for them which would be your most important role.
I hope that you can make this work one elder (or two for couples) at a time. You can't keep this up. No one could. This is an incredibly supportive forum, so keep coming back here for more support.
Sending a huge amount of empathy and a lot of caregiver hugs. see more
Try to look at it like this: You are providing enormous care to each individual as well as working more than full-time and trying to keep your own relationship alive. That's enough for five people let alone one. Your own health/sanity will eventually go and then what? All of these people wouldn't have a prayer of getting care. Your aunt could lie on the floor for days and starve. Your other relatives could have equal disasters. At least getting them all into care gives you a prayer of continuing to see them regularly and do nice little extras for them, as well as advocate for them which would be your most important role.
I hope that you can make this work one elder (or two for couples) at a time. You can't keep this up. No one could. This is an incredibly supportive forum, so keep coming back here for more support.
Sending a huge amount of empathy and a lot of caregiver hugs. see more
Question
DEC and others say especially the elderly need to stock up on medicine. How is that done when Medicare has tim...
That's how it is and many meds can't be delivered, either. Its frustrating to hear this glib advice when in practice it only works... That's how it is and many meds can't be delivered, either. Its frustrating to hear this glib advice when in practice it only works for select medications. see more
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Is the macular degeneration shot necessary?
I don't believe in pushing treatments beyond where they are useful but if these are helping they are a quality of life issue. Yes! As... I don't believe in pushing treatments beyond where they are useful but if these are helping they are a quality of life issue. Yes! As the others said, if she can handle the appointments, these need to be done. Saving her vision is vital to her quality of life. Ask your brother to put gel goggles over his eye and walk around for awhile. He may get the picture. I understand where he's coming from (I think), but this is one treatment that needs to be continued for as long as she can handle it. I hope that he listens to you. see more
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Is assisted living considered 24/7 care?
I think that your doctor is confused, which I find alarming. Either that or (as mentioned) you state has very different terminology for its... I think that your doctor is confused, which I find alarming. Either that or (as mentioned) you state has very different terminology for its care system than the rest of the country. I believe that he or she is thinking about adult day services (or adult daycare). That is more for respite and can be used for a few hours up to a full day. Assisted living is nearly always 24/7. People have their own apartment or room, depending on how upscale it is. They provide activities and social interaction. If it's a memory care unit in AL, it will be secured and should be staffed with specialized assistants. see more
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Dating while caring for elderly parent, is it possible?
You are right Freqflyer (as you so often are). A supportive spouse/significant other is a blessing. One who is not supportive adds... You are right Freqflyer (as you so often are). A supportive spouse/significant other is a blessing. One who is not supportive adds enormously to your stress. Trying to balance it all is bad enough without this drain. I wish you well.
Carol see more
Carol see more
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Will Medicaid 5yr look back come after us for using my parents money to help with bills?
Sadly, when it comes to nursing home care, so much depends on where we live. I agree that being a regular visitor tells the staff that this... Sadly, when it comes to nursing home care, so much depends on where we live. I agree that being a regular visitor tells the staff that this person has an advocate, but most of us would want to visit anyway. If nursing homes in a particular area are this bad then people truly need to hammer their state governments about it (starting with the county and moving up) There is no excuse for bad treatment.
It's true that homes are understaffed. This, too, goes to funding. It's a matter of where the people want the money to be spent. Meanwhile, people who are now looking at placing a loved one in a nursing home need to worry safety. When this is the case a nanny cam may be wise. see more
It's true that homes are understaffed. This, too, goes to funding. It's a matter of where the people want the money to be spent. Meanwhile, people who are now looking at placing a loved one in a nursing home need to worry safety. When this is the case a nanny cam may be wise. see more
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My mom is covering up something...
Good idea, Pwberg. While it's like there is more going on, this is certainly something that could contribute to her issues. She... Good idea, Pwberg. While it's like there is more going on, this is certainly something that could contribute to her issues. She shouldn't be discharged from the nursing facility in this shape. I hope that you have a lot of support, realfayth. This is going to be an awful transition and you'll need all of the help that you can get.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Any nursing home tips for a new resident?
I'd like to add that open communication with staff can ward off a lot of issues. If you don't like something or want something done... I'd like to add that open communication with staff can ward off a lot of issues. If you don't like something or want something done differently, ask nicely if that is possible and listen to their side (one on one care is only possible for those with the money to hire a private nurse, so be realistic).
Again, I hope that all goes well. This is such a hard transition for the family to make and it's hard to let go of being the sole caregiver even when it's best.
Blessings,
Carol see more
Again, I hope that all goes well. This is such a hard transition for the family to make and it's hard to let go of being the sole caregiver even when it's best.
Blessings,
Carol see more
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Any nursing home tips for a new resident?
Wonderful nursing homes exist. Sadly, so much depends on where we live. However, if you have a gut feeling that the nursing home staff is... Wonderful nursing homes exist. Sadly, so much depends on where we live. However, if you have a gut feeling that the nursing home staff is good, keep your eyes open but show your trust and work with them. They are your frontline caregivers. Watch how they interact with each other and with the other residents. That means so much. The staff is far more important than the beauty of the home.
I'd love to seem more cottage type homes appear. This is the future (I hope). But meanwhile, we work with what we have in our communities.
I hope that everything goes well.
Carol see more
I'd love to seem more cottage type homes appear. This is the future (I hope). But meanwhile, we work with what we have in our communities.
I hope that everything goes well.
Carol see more
Question
When do I ask for grief counseling?
Most hospices offer grief counseling for 13 months after a death so you should qualify. Call them right away. They should be able to help.... Most hospices offer grief counseling for 13 months after a death so you should qualify. Call them right away. They should be able to help.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
Question
Will Medicare cut off if you refuse rehab in a Nursing Home?
Frankly, I don't blame your mom though I've terribly sorry that she has to go through this. I disagree with lying to your mom since... Frankly, I don't blame your mom though I've terribly sorry that she has to go through this. I disagree with lying to your mom since she's cognitively sound. She will not lose all of her Medicare benefits and she likely knows that. However, she will likely lose her place in the facility if she refuses the treatment. She can apply for private pay admission.
She sounds as if she may be ready for hospice care, though a doctor would need to decide if she qualifies. Since she still has a good mind, she has a right to decide what she wants. She may want to go home, but Medicare will cover hospice care there or in a nursing home if she needs to go into the facility (this would be private pay). If she improves under hospice she can go off the program.
Listen to what your mom wants. This is her life and she is in a very miserable condition. Her mental capacity is sound but her body is not. She'll know where she wants to go from here.
My best to your both. This is very hard.
Carol see more
She sounds as if she may be ready for hospice care, though a doctor would need to decide if she qualifies. Since she still has a good mind, she has a right to decide what she wants. She may want to go home, but Medicare will cover hospice care there or in a nursing home if she needs to go into the facility (this would be private pay). If she improves under hospice she can go off the program.
Listen to what your mom wants. This is her life and she is in a very miserable condition. Her mental capacity is sound but her body is not. She'll know where she wants to go from here.
My best to your both. This is very hard.
Carol see more
Question
How can I improve communication with elderly mother and my siblings?
Good answers for you all around. If you are going to be the primary caregiver, be certain that you have Power Of Attorney for both finances... Good answers for you all around. If you are going to be the primary caregiver, be certain that you have Power Of Attorney for both finances and health. Also, as mentioned, don't just drift into being the caregiver. Insist on a family meeting, on Skype if necessary, to iron out what you will do and what your siblings must do. Dig in your heels and say that each of them needs to do something. If that doesn't work, you can tell them that you will let social services take over and that's not going to be pleasant for anyone. Maybe that will light a fire under your siblings.
I wish you the best. All too often the daughter is the one expected to do it all. Some can and some can't. If you can't, that doesn't make you bad. You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Good luck,
Carol see more
I wish you the best. All too often the daughter is the one expected to do it all. Some can and some can't. If you can't, that doesn't make you bad. You may want to read this article: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Good luck,
Carol see more
Question
Do we have any options to save mom's money to upgrade her to a private room if Medicaid will not pay for it?
She will have to spend down. However, in some states, if you get close to the point where she will go on Medicaid they allow you to pay... She will have to spend down. However, in some states, if you get close to the point where she will go on Medicaid they allow you to pay extra for awhile prior to the point of reaching the $2000. You'll have to talk with Medicaid and perhaps an attorney to see what can be done. But you can't hide the money. see more
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Mom passed away 2 weeks ago and I feel lost, dazed. I don't know what to do. Help?
I'm so sorry for your double loss. You are likely still grieving for your sibling and now you have lost your mom. Your life has... I'm so sorry for your double loss. You are likely still grieving for your sibling and now you have lost your mom.
Your life has changed dramatically, and with the support of your family, you will not only survive but once again enjoy life. But, first , you have to grieve.
You've got a huge hole in your days that will feel foreign to you. You don't have your mom there needing you as she has these past two years, which most likely, took away from the time you would have spent grieving your sibling. You are bound to feel her loss deeply.
Your recovery will be your own since grief is different for everyone. If you are anything like me it will be uneven. You'll have times of relief and even joy because you know that your mom is set free. Then, you'll be nearly overwhelmed with your loss. These times can come out of nowhere - even as you experience a time of gratitude and joy.
Like love, you can't pin down grief and write a prescription. However, you will be okay. Your mom is still with you in spirit, filled with gratitude for all that you've done for her. As you begin to accept this, and understand that the legacy of her life has not been erased, you'll begin to come together inside.
One thing that can help is to write a list of what her life has meant to you and those who loved her. Keep that around (tear stains and all) so that you can remind yourself that no one is ever "gone." A life once lived remains.
Take care of yourself, now. You are fragile. Take all the time that you need.
Carol see more
Your life has changed dramatically, and with the support of your family, you will not only survive but once again enjoy life. But, first , you have to grieve.
You've got a huge hole in your days that will feel foreign to you. You don't have your mom there needing you as she has these past two years, which most likely, took away from the time you would have spent grieving your sibling. You are bound to feel her loss deeply.
Your recovery will be your own since grief is different for everyone. If you are anything like me it will be uneven. You'll have times of relief and even joy because you know that your mom is set free. Then, you'll be nearly overwhelmed with your loss. These times can come out of nowhere - even as you experience a time of gratitude and joy.
Like love, you can't pin down grief and write a prescription. However, you will be okay. Your mom is still with you in spirit, filled with gratitude for all that you've done for her. As you begin to accept this, and understand that the legacy of her life has not been erased, you'll begin to come together inside.
One thing that can help is to write a list of what her life has meant to you and those who loved her. Keep that around (tear stains and all) so that you can remind yourself that no one is ever "gone." A life once lived remains.
Take care of yourself, now. You are fragile. Take all the time that you need.
Carol see more
Question
Mother with Alzheimer's now has TB. What should I do?
I agree that hospitalization for the TB and then help from the social workers after that to determine what is next is the way to go. Tell... I agree that hospitalization for the TB and then help from the social workers after that to determine what is next is the way to go. Tell them that her caregiver is 90 years old and cannot handle this. Social Services may need to be involved but something should be arranged. Sadly, this depends so much on the state where you live. Some states do well (comparatively) with senior care and others are horrible. I hope that you live in one that does well.
Take care,
Carol see more
Take care,
Carol see more
What is a good disposable underwear that prevents odor?