I am trying to get power of Attorney of my mother who is still stable to take care of herself. Here is the problem I currently live in a different state then she do. I live in Pennsylvania and she lives in California but planning on moving where I am. we do not have a load of money for an attorney so how would we go about getting this done as soon as possible. Thank you for your help

This article made me angry. I have harped on this with my dad for YEARS. What can I do if he simply won't deal with it? Mom has Alzheimer's, and so far, dad is healthy, but will be 81 and still working, and caring for mom! Worse, I am the family scapegoat and there is a host of sickening family dynamics going on....😳 Dad doesn't want to "hurt any feelings" (my sister) so won't make decisions! Sis and I are only sisters by blood, never anything else.

This is a sad story, TNmadamX. You may have difficulty getting your dad back, especially if there is a label of elder abuse attached. You'll have to prove to the state and social worker that this is not happening. SW and state will probably ask, if you knew the way dad and his home was treated by the "friend" why you did not do anything. Hopefully you can get him back, if you do, it would be best to move him close to you, otherwise, the state and even the SW will keep very very close tabs on you. I wish you the best.

I'm having a situation where my Dad gave me POA over his health and finances via an attorney. I hired a man to live with him as I lived out of town. The man needed a place to live and he agreed to take care of my dad's house n' barn and my dad in return for food and a place for him to live rent free. He was an old friend of Dad's who had fallen on tough times when he lost his job. He worked in the area as a farm hand and felt more comfortable living in the tack room of Dad's barn as he did at the other places where he worked. Since this was okay with Dad, he setup his living quarters in my Dad's nice tack room. It has water and electricity and this was the way he had lived most of his life. Things were going well for the first few months but I began to notice things that were not getting done that I had previously told him to do. I came each weekend and brought groceries and filled my Dad's medication container for the week. One of his granddaughters and her husband owned the marina not too far from his house and they could run a tab for this man to take Dad over for visits he liked to make and eat there at the Marina restaurant. I kept a tab there so they could go all they wanted in lieu of eating at home. Since I had my camper parked by the dock and camped each weekend during nice weather, Dad was usually outside at the barn or down at the camper/dock and I never really entered his house........until I started finding my Dad in smelly clothing each time I came and he looked unwashed. When I questioned the man who was supposed to be his companion, he'd say he sometimes had a hard time getting to the bathroom on time and would leak urine on his pants. I understood how that could happen and assumed it was like that day type of accident as his pants wouldn't actually be soiled w/dirt. Then, one day I get a call from a social worker there in the town he lives. She called attention to the nasty house my Dad was living in and questioned his care. I explained the man there was hired to take care of dad as I lived out of town and came up on the weekends. After discovering the man had not been keeping up the house or cleaning up after Dad, the social worker came back and next thing I know, without contacting me, the state of TN takes over POA for my dad and the social worker takes him to the hospital for a physical then sends him to a town two or three hours away for a mental evaluation to see if he can live alone! They cut me off and treated me like I was abusing my own Dad and neglecting him! My only fault is that I was too trusting of the man I had hired as caregiver. I'm beside myself with worry, they won't give me any information except that my Dad will probably not be coming back to his house. How can this happen?? I'm an x-ray tech and physiotherapist and my husband is a registered CNA. We simply do not know what to do. I promised my Dad I'd keep him there so he could die there and he never wanted to be placed in a nursing home! Since my husband has worked in a couple here in our town, he's only too aware of how patients are cared for in nursing homes. How can that be better than him being happy living in his own home? I was planning on staying with him till I found another person who would stay there with him where her is happy and comfortable with his daily routine. He must be so disoriented and frightened. I'm in tears telling you this story. How can the state take him away like that? I've been taking him to his doctor regularly but the case worker notified a former kidney doctor that I stopped taking my Dad too because they were making him worse with his kidney problem. The new kidney doctor had him healthy and on medications that was working well for him. The caseworker said I had not taken him to the doctor in over a year but she was talking to his old doctor I had stopped taking him to in order to go to the new doctor. I'm sure the new kidney doctor had requested his records from the old doctor so how can this case worker go by that doctor and me not taking him? My mistake, as I am repeating, was trusting the man was caring for my dad as agreed and not checking more in depth to see that he was. Does anyone know how I can get my Dad back?

I am in the same situation as the daughters in the story is there any advice. My dad has power of attorney and the home he dropped my mom off has just informed me yesterday I can not know how my mom is doing, or if she is put in the hospital. I am an only child live in different state. I am devasted, shocked, and so worried about my mom. My mom was put in home recently the stress of being left there, four days later she had heart failure and pnemnia was in ICU for four days. I was able to come home, on her return from ICU the home was not prepared. Four day's later she was back in hospital with pnenomia again. I had talked with the doctors at the hospital and made suggestions to have better things in place to help my mom. The home said they have their own people, I did research and that is not the case. They talked to my dad, and brain washed him, and he thinks they wll do what they promise, the short time I have observed and other family members have observed it seems they are about the money and not caring for the patient. I need help quick for my mom.

Hopefully this thread is still trending. My mother has been admitted several times this month for strokes. They have now kept her, deciding she could not go home or take care of herself. She hasnt given power of attorny to eithrr me nor my two brothers. I live out of state whereas my brotjers live there. Both of my brothers cant take care of her and neither can i but a nursing home could. My younger brother and i are in agreement that it is the right choice but my older brother wont realize that its the only option for her to get what she needs. My younger brother and i are also in agreement of a phyc. Eval. Which would prove my mother is incapable of living anywhere but a home. She still has her momenys of clarity but shes had many strokes. I need to know should i, myself take power of attorney does my mother need to give me power of attorney in her clarity moments? Im so confused and dont want to go against my brother but he is in denial of what she needs. I have always been the responsible sibling, the one that doea what needs to be done whether or not it would make payment people happy or not. Im the only one capable of making the hard decisions. Should i do whats right and what needs to be done and if so how do i go about starting the process. Thank you ahead of time

Oh, this was written about my stepfather who is doing all of this and more right now. He's a terrible person and is using his "POA", signed while my Mom had dementia in front of a lawyer who clearly does not care one bit about my Mom. He threatens me on the phone, in person if I visit and told me I'll never see her again. I can't believe the "law" will allow him to be so cruel to my Mom and me.

How do you become POA if the parent had serious stroke and is incapacitated?

Just need advice, I am power of atty for my elderly 81 yr old mother. She lives in our home. She has met a "friend" I am leary of, because this "friend" is money hungry. What rights do I have to eliminate this untrusted "friend" out of her life?

I'm living the same nightmare with my mom due to her legal guardian. Lutheran Social Services of Minnesota has been vicious. My mom became a victim because of the actions of her sons and she and I as a caregiver are living the nightmare. I no longer am allowed to care for my mom as she requested because the controlling actions of her 'guardian'. The recommendations on how to protect the elderly have really evolved over the last few years. Clearly driven by the exploitation of elderly people and unscrupulous 'do-gooders'. It's heartbreaking. Our home away from home us the courtroom.

My problem is that when an elderly person refuses to have that discussion because they still think that they can make decisions for themselves and don't trust anyone. This is the situation I have with my Grandfather.

My Mother is in a Elder Care Home, her Sister has power of Attorney and is on a power trip. My Aunt is not talking to and has blocked my 2 Sisters, Yesterday she told me I cut my Mother out of my life. I have never done that, My Mother and I have had a strong bond even when I was a Child. She is lying. Most of my Mothers assets are gone and she is letting other Family members live on my Mothers property. My Aunt has told them they have to move so she can sell the property and gain financial advancement. Its horrible for my Mothers Daughters and my Cousins who have no where to go and have a Family. My Aunt was clearly not the person that should be in charge of my Mother. She is abusing her power and is in no way an attorney she lacks proper skill and where with all to make decisions on our Mothers behalf. My Mother has a broken Femur, in a Elder care home that should never happen. Its a horrible mess.

God Bless,
Linda Jorgenson

I'

Gaga1234, your only recourse now for your sister is to file for guardianship which is expensive and time consuming.

my sister got sick before signing a medical power of attorney.. She is confused and does not know what year it is..I am on her directives but I do not have a power of attorney for her or a medical power of attorney.. The doctors are calling the shots and they will not listen to my objections on her care..What can I do.. She has no children and myself and two brothers are all the family she has.

Sorry to say, but if your dad can't sign the papers, you can't get medical or durable POA. It sounds like you will need to file for guardianship.

So sad an attorney is so hateful!

Can anyone tell me how to obtain a living trust or some form of POA if my dad can't sign the papers. He has been postponing in getting a living trust and has fallen sick to get them and we fear that we will lose everything he has worked so hard for. Please help!

Well, if it had been me as a daughter, I would have basically said: "I can't do anything so I'm out of here...Mom, you made your own bad decision so the consequences will fall on you not me." With someone like "Sharon" all you can do is walk away.

It makes me physically I'll. I am in healthcare and I am not sure no I AM SURE I WOULD HAVE TALKED TO THE DAUGHTERS !!! EVEN IF IT MENT I LOST MY JOB AND MY MEDICAL CAREER ! I am happy to pray for this sick person. Power is an evil thing !!

I want to add something that could prove useful. If you don't believe your adult kids have a close enough relationship to trust one another let alone respect your choice of POA, and instead appoint an attorney, make sure it is specified in the agreement WHO you want to be free to visit, if they are to be notified of change of health status, and whether or not their inquiries of nursing home staff can be answered (and by what method: phone, letter, in person). Finally, make sure that copies of the agreement — your wishes with respect to POA — are distributed to all immediate family members so that everyone is clear. In this way, if the non-family member or lawyer who holds POA breaches your wishes, there's a possibility that he/she can be removed before more damage occurs. The name of the game? Keep everyone in the communication loop, regardless of whether or not they hold POA responsibilities or not. Those "other people" will serve as check & balance against an egotistical or negligent individual wresting control without anyone else's knowledge of what is going on with your care in your most vulnerable stage of life.

When it comes to power of attorney, I believe the important thing about this story isn't the fact that the lawyer was the "family outsider" who didn't have others' interests at heart but how, in general, to make a WISE power of attorney situation, be it a lawyer, family member or anybody else.

A parent should be careful who they give power of attorney to even amongst blood relatives — especially among siblings!

It's easy to appoint the most successful, educated or assertive member of the family but in my view the number one consideration a parent should have pertains to temperament. When you were raising your kids did you see one kid step on the other kid again and again — but the child being out-done or out-maneuvered never failed to forgive and forget? Well, then don't go choosing the more savvy, manipulative child. If you must err, do not fear that the burden will be too much for the amicable but seemingly more passive adult child. Your illness and eventual death is not a time to put someone who tends to be "high strung" in charge of your affairs — not because they may damage YOU but because of the drama that will no doubt occur when that child cannot keep peace with others.

If an adult child easily becomes defensive or has a history of rejecting others for petty reasons, do not expect the fact that he/she is "family" to put him/her on his/her best behavior. Stressful situations put people on edge; they do not necessarily call up the best and most rational of a person's facilities. Therefore, if one's adult kids are prone to quarreling, estrangements, gossip or stony silences, think twice before burdening that adult child with power of attorney duties.

Just because an adult child has shown success/responsibility in their own affairs does not mean they are the most drama-free, objective person to deal with YOUR affairs. Power of attorney should be given to someone who is above all calm — someone without a vindictive bone in their body.

It's easy to assume that your most outspoken child will have your back, and while that might be true do not overlook that if this particular person is strongly opinionated they may alienate the rest of the family in the course of your care.

If you want your adult children's relationships to survive your death, think very very hard about who you put in charge. The family member that seems most likely to "protect" you may in fact turn out to be the most possessive, whereas the one who is always ready to step out of the way and allow others to lead may in fact work harder to keep more dominant family members happy, in so doing not only remaining cool-headed about your care but effective in keeping the peace.

We have a similar situation and we're at wits end! There's five of us sisters. Two are in NY with my Dad and three of us live out of state. When my dad first fell ill he named my two sisters in NY and one of their husbands Rick as POA and health proxy care. At that time (10 Months ago) dad told me he thought that's what he should do because they live there near him and we don't. Anyhow, in early communications with the NY family, Rick took over as leader, my two sisters went along because they don't have the mental capacity to deal with it. For some unknown reason Rick has been rude and abusive to us from the start. Us three out of state sisters naturally had questions about dad, but Rick took it as non-trust in them! He escalated to nasty emails and name calling, calling us cockroaches!!! He's convinced my NY sisters that we are evil, undermining them and really don't care about my dad, they too have turned against us refusing any communication. Recently my dad was sent to the hospital and then to rehab and they didn't tell us about it until one of my sisters answered the phone by accident. She reluctantly disclosed what had happened to dad but has not added our names to the family call list at the rehab center and as a result the rehab won't tell us anything about dad's condition. My out of state brother-in-law (Dan) called ick nicely for information but Rick refused to tell him anything! He said it's for him to know and for us to figure out, "game on".....he lied to the other two sisters and now they are screaming about us trying to call dad! This is bizarre and I feel totally disrespected and helpless,..I cannot afford a lawyer's help either...I can't speak to my own dad? The nurses won't talk to me, his own daughter??? Us three sisters are so sick over this we don't know what to do,..there is no nice calm reasoning with them in NY,..it doesn't make sense.

Please take into consideration Medicare and Social Security Administration issues when caring for your aging parents. Medicare can accept and recognize a Power of Attorney (POA), however, the Social Security Administration does not recognize a POA. In order to assist your aging parents concerning any issues with the Social Security Administration, you may want to become their Representative Payee. In addition, a Representative Payee is also recognized by Medicare. As their representative payee you could handle any Social Security or Medicare issues the same as if they were handling them. Contact your local Social Security office to request information on becoming a Representative Payee.

Sharon, the attorney in this article should be charged with abuse of power, disbarred and charged with an elder abuse. There should also be an extensive investigation into the mishandling of all her clients matters and any additional charges filed immediately.

This is obviously a person with so much unhappiness. If there is a hell she will go

I think this lawyer should be disbarred. If she is not I would hope no one would utilize her skills and she becomes homeless.

My mother got mad with me an my sister in 2011an when my sister tryed to prove her incompetent. It did not go well an she lost. My Mother is finally gained my confidence. The problem is that time she gave her lawyer power of attorney. She knows what ahe wants but is in first stage of dementia. She is wanting to add or even change me to the power of attorney. Do we have to get a lawyer in order to revoke his poa? Or add me to poa. He seems to be dragging his feet an insist we go to a lawyer an they would take to her in private an see that she is competent an not being encourged by me to change. It just seems to me it should not be so difficult. She is slow in thoughts an forgets things but as she thinks about it she knows what she wants. Can we change this on our on?

ruster, your mother needs to have an attorney to write up a durable and medical POA for her to make you her POA. She will need to sign it with a notary there to notarize her signature.

kstender, your step-mother writing making herself POA for your father was, I think, a conflict of interest and for her to do so was not legal with him not being in his right mind. I think you need a lawyer to deal with this problem.

How do you go about becoming Power of Attorney since that's what my mom wants me to be, I need advice on how to go about this please!