Sibling Relationships: Resolving Issues While Caring for Parents

Carol Bradley Bursack Minding Our Elders Updated
53

Comments

Show:
1 2 3 4 5
Some lessons I have learned. BEFORE you take on the role of caretaker of a parent have all their legal documents reviewed. If another sibling has been made health advocate or power of attorney DO NOT become the caretaker unless you are legally put in charge. There is nothing worse than an uninvolved sibling dictating financial or health decisions and yet does not want to the actual care taking. Get this issue resolved before you take on the role of caretaker.

This was my post here two years ago and it still is very important.
(1)
Report

I think there are several crucial things to keep in mind:First, never play in the same sandbox as a narcissist as long as you can possibly avoid it. They may be your parents, but if they are, they are nasty, dangerous people. Never forget that.
Always detach from their craziness, drama etc.  It is simply not your fault and there is nothing you can do to change them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they will change, you will have a decent relationship with them, etc.  Arms length, and only if you have to according to your moral beliefs.
If you have spiritual advisers, then be sure to find out what your actual responsibilities are to your parents - avoid being trapped by people who lie and lay guilt traps.
(1)
Report

Hi There.. I found this website.. hopefully someone has had this issue and can give me insight. Long story short.. my brother (a gay psychiatrist, not married, age 53) and my mom( age 82) lived in Arizona, not together. I live in another state. Brother got a new job in south carolina, him and my mom moved there an live together. I think my brother has narcissistic personality disorder (kind of like our dad) and my mom has always been a victim. I have always kept them at arms distance away. I don't want to be like them. I have a family, 3 kids. My brother texted me a few weeks ago to let me know my mom was having surgery. Wouldn't tell me what kind, hospital, dr etc.. I asked him questions.. about it, ignored me. He then blocked from her phone. I can't get a hold of her. He has her phone. I want to talk to her to make sure she is ok. Had a tele. conversation with my brother last week and I asked to talk to her and he said she was sleeping. I told him that I would come out there with my husband and help fix up their house, and unpack. All he kept telling me was that I was uninvited and can't come until I am invited. His house is under surveillance, due to his patients and if I set foot on his property he will have me arrested/get a restraining order. I think he is trying to be very controlling and manipulative. I think he is manipulated her as well, by telling her I don't care about her. Because he is a psychiatrist, he knows the system and he knows how to manipulate it, and he will twist it to make it sound like I am crazy. All I want to do is talk to her. What should I do?
(0)
Report

Again, everything is left up to the caregiver. How wonderful!! Not only are you trapped into taking care of a family member, but you have to "drive" the conversation with other family members who could care less. Give us a REAL solution to get the lazy, irresponsible bums off their asses and help.
(2)
Report

I come from a very large family . My mo.m gave birth to 8 children and its saddens me to see how little loyaly is shown toward my mom in her aging years. I LOVE her dearly i really do. Doing my best to take care of her. Im receiving very support from my family my mom survived breast cancer 2 strokes and NURMOUUS operations i just need to find resources to help me help her
(0)
Report

i really needed to read this. i am dealing or say not dealing with my brother who has blocked my phone number after my mom was medflight . he basically told me that he is putting in for a job transfer in tennessee he is selling everything (farm machinery and tools from my great grandfather. he can’t watching the farm being taken away because of my moms medical bills, actually the first question i was asked when i arrived after 4 hours to get to my moms. the nursing home didn’t call me and i am poa they called my brother because he was local, they still could have contacted me. she was medflight at 5 am i only found out because i called to confirm our home appointment the next day. they said if there was a problem they would call me back. they called and informed me that she isn’t there so i asked where is she. the hospital. which hospital. trauma center which is the big one. what time did she go. 4:30. what happened. she was unresponsive. i was having a hard time with that but my mom comes first. i called my brother and he said she is just like dad was. she is talking out of her head. he said he had to go and sign something. he said he better not be responsible for anything. he had not seen her in a month because of my daddy’s will. he said he wouldn’t be there until late. i was shocked when they were there but the first question was how much does a helicopter cost (my niece boyfriend said 43?000) is it covered, i really wasn’t worried about that. he said go see your mother. thank god they were pulling the tube out as we got there. she kept asking if i was okay. my brother didn’t even go to her room. anyway she is doing well but i called my brother and he told me all that and he isn’t farming. then he said our dad’s will is it and you can have it all we are done, you have to take care of everything for her. we live two hours away. he said they took the will to his lawyer and this is it. well if i can figure out that it doesn’t matter it’s my moms plus her name is on the deed. my daddy’s will mention a trust and i would get half of the farm income and if something happens to me my husband gets it and then my nieces but if something happens to him it goes directly to his kids. so yes there was hatred in it but he should be mad at my dad and not my mom and me. he knows that my mom is giving him 290 acres minus the 10 we want and her house which need to be torn down. sorry for the long story but he resents me because i went to college and then my husband and i moved to another state but we were always there when they needed us and visit. i came down to care for them. i have always wanted a relationship with my brother and about 5 years ago he started calling me and he confided in me about this woman friend who builds him up versus criticizing him. i saw my brother really happy. but my husband knew when he breaks it off or whatever he will be gone again. he was my brother at times but he always disappeared. 2015 i moved down to take care of my moms foot. they couldn’t even come down one day because i had an appointment to change her bandages. when my daddy was dying in 2016 he said you come back after 30 years and all you do is cause trouble. after my daddy died he blocked my phone number again. so i have to just let it go i have no control over anything. he has not talked to my mom since march. she almost died twice and she had her big toe and part of her foot amputated. . we feel like we are grieving a loss but i can’t make him talk to us. we had to find out his intention with the cash crop and is he paying her through a lawyer. my mom didn’t have a copy of the contract the lawyer talked to him and he said he is the only one working and he has liens on the machinery and the crops. he did drop off the contract with a termination of the lease and 6,000 and he will pay the rest in november. i have not been dealing with this well at all as many of you know. i have turned to anorexia and i am down to 105 pounds. it’s done no more.
(1)
Report

My younger siblings are too toxic to deal with and were hateful long before my father died but really started to bully my mother when she was grieving. I know other people who have had the same experience. One lady looked after her mum for years but her older brothers all moved in when the mother was sick and now she has to share a house with them while they all try to sell it to split the proceeds (with her share, she will not be able to afford to live in her own neighbourhood close to her workplace and all her friends - so on top of her grief she is dealing with finding a new home and probably a new job and social isolation).
(0)
Report

Forgot to say: I turn 60 in a month and have no one. I feel there is nothing left for me so any tips are appreciated. And yes I know the situation is my fault but to be fair when one is manipulated from birth to think abuse is normal, before the internet learning this was not in the cards.
(2)
Report

This article leaves out when a narcissistic mother pits the children against each other to get sympathy or attention. I'm the caretaker and my 88 year old mother endlessly bashes me to the other siblings. They, who've not seen her nor visited her home for a decade or more, refuse to take my word that she has cognitive problems or that she/we need any help even if something simple they do everyday such as do internet research. Now that she's used me up (I just finished 15 months of almost daily hard physical labor cleaning up 42 years of hoarding and filth in preparation of downsizing her), she's ready to dump me and give all the items I cleaned up to her loved children and let them reap the benefit of my labors by giving them the assets from the house sale. They are all set for life and financially well off while my life is a shambles because I spent too much time on her. How can I move on (admittedly I don't know where and don't feel in a mental state to make a permanent decision) and not lose it from her breaking me mentally and physically and then rewarding those who did nothing for her (leaving it all to me to do) and don't need the rewards?
(1)
Report

I see I am not alone. It is sad when a parent needs help it should bring siblings closer but sometimes it does not. My situation is that I lost my mom and brother back to back. My father got dementia and other illnesses. Because of this he no longer was able to drive or maintain his diabetic medications. My sister who never helped came around only to steal from my dad then disappeared. I have another brother who lives across the country but always has an excuse why he can't help or send money and he is financially able too. My dad made some poor decisions as a self employed person and thusly does not have saving or xtra money. I get no help from any of my siblings. My dad has now had a stroke and needs much help after rehab. I can no longer take care of him as my health has started deteriorating. I have told my siblings I will sell his home and put our dad in nursing home which I have never wanted for him but I can no longer lift him and help him while trying to keep a roof over my head and raise my kids. It breaks my heart that I had two great loving parents, but their other children are awful from my sister stealing his last of his reverse mortgage that he needs for his care. I have now just cut them loose as they have done nothing in 4 years of his dementia.
(1)
Report

1 2 3 4 5