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Top 3 Excuses From Siblings Who Don't Help With Caregiving

396 Comments

nurse115 - I can imagine how tired you are, helping care for your grandmother, your father, and now having sole responsibility for your mother. It's so ironic, or perhaps hypocritical, to say that children owe their parents to take care of them in their old age, but that only applies to you, not your brother or your sister. Perhaps you are the logical one to take primary responsibility, but that doesn't mean you don't get to have a life. That doesn't mean that you should be tied to your mother 24/7 and your siblings should get off scot free!

I don't agree that grown children are responsible for caring for their parents. However, if there's really no choice but to rely on grown children for help, then that responsibility should be allocated in some equitable way, not dumped on one person on the theory that she or he is "best suited" or "most available" to care for the parent.

I come from a family of caregivers. My earliest memories was of our family living with grandparents. My Mother slipped into that caregiver role even though this was her in laws and there were other children. I remember as a child having to sleep in my grandmothers bedroom in case she needed something. Eventually my grandmother was placed in a nursing home and my Dad hated it. Fast forward my Dad developed Alzheimer’s and Mom decided to care for him at home because he didn’t want to go to nursing home so my story as caregiver started. I lived 35 miles away and every minute I was not at work I was at their house giving my Mom a break helping to care for Dad preparing meals cleaning house. I have brother and sister but never saw them very much until my Dad was almost gone then my brother helped some. My Mom bragged about how she never put Dad in nursing home. Nothing about what I did to help but kudos to my brother. Immediately after my Dad died my Mom started a decline. She has told me numerous times it was the children’s responsibility to take care of parents. I took care of you so you owe me to take care of me. I have been retired for 1 year and left my home to care for my Mother. My brother lives within10 Miles and does nothing. My sister lives 100 miles away she and her husband are retired and have a new grand baby that they need to spend time with. It has been over 6 months since sister her. I relate very much to the caregiver role. I do not regret caring for Mom but every one in a while would like a break. Have tried asking but told “you don’t have husband, kids or grandkids” This is true guess I am logical choice but I am tired. I would like to lay down and sleep without one eye open . Thanks for listening to my whining. I am new to this site and I feel better since I have vented. Maybe it will last. Bless you fellow care givers.

I come from a family of caregivers. My earliest memories was of our family living with grandparents. My Mother slipped into that caregiver role even though this was her in laws and there were other children. I remember as a child having to sleep in my grandmothers bedroom in case she needed something. Eventually my grandmother was placed in a nursing home and my Dad hated it. Fast forward my Dad developed Alzheimer’s and Mom decided to care for him at home because he didn’t want to go to nursing home so my story as caregiver started. I lived 35 miles away and every minute I was not at work I was at their house giving my Mom a break helping to care for Dad preparing meals cleaning house. I have brother and sister but never saw them very much until my Dad was almost gone then my brother helped some. My Mom bragged about how she never put Dad in nursing home. Nothing about what I did to help but kudos to my brother. Immediately after my Dad died my Mom started a decline. She has told me numerous times it was the children’s responsibility to take care of parents. I took care of you so you owe me to take care of me. I have been retired for 1 year and left my home to care for my Mother. My brother lives within10 Miles and does nothing. My sister lives 100 miles away she and her husband are retired and have a new grand baby that they need to spend time with. It has been over 6 months since sister her. I relate very much to the caregiver role. I do not regret caring for Mom but every one in a while would like a break. Have tried asking but told “you don’t have husband, kids or grandkids” This is true guess I am logical choice but I am tired. I would like to lay down and sleep without one eye open . Thanks for listening to my whining. I am new to this site and I feel better since I have vented. Maybe it will last. Bless you fellow care givers.

I have gone through so many emotions while reading this article. My dad's father who was healthy as a horse had his appendix burst and after long stays at the hospital succumbed to sepsis and heart failure. My grandfather was the main caregiver for my grandmother. My dad and his brother were working together in teams to care for my grandmother and my grandfather during this time. Within 8 months of my grandfather passing my grandmother died. I have the most respect for the courage and dedication that my dad and uncle gave to doing what was needed and beyond. This brings me to my other grandmother and family. My grandmother has been sick for more than 10 years. My mom being one of 5 children has had almost zero help with nothing but criticizing. All but one of the children live in state. Two are retired. Still no one has the time to help. Fishing, hunting, tennis, and card games are much more important than to even call or visit. My mom has been unable to work. She has gone through most of her retirement money and is emotionally and physically spent. How someone could abandon their mother in her time of need is the most despicable behavior. Recently my father has been diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. Being a non smoker this was a surprise to all of use as to how he could get sick like this. I can only assume that the extreme stress of giving up your life for someone else has contributed this his health. While, I don't wish anyone ill will I do think that goes around comes around. I feel blessed to have both my mother and father and could not ever imagine being so selfish. My sister and I have everyone's back and do what is necessary. Too bad we can not pick the rest of our family. With love and prayers to all to keep the strength to keep moving.

i am not even going there with my brothers, both good men but leaving it all to me, well i am tired.

oh God, it is so hard when a parent lives with you, 10 years i have shared my home with my dad, we lost mum and dad came to live with my family, my marriage broke down 3 years ago, no it was not my dads fault but trying too move on and still look after dad, very hard, he is a selfish man with a kind heart, if that makes sense, very loud, hard of hearing, sleep pattern bad, most of all really selfish, its all about dad.

I am the main caregiver for my 89 yr old mother. She was a wonderful mom to all four of us we were very blessed to have great parents and the thought of my other 3 siblings can't even make a 10 or 15 minute call to our mother once a week makes me sick to my stomach. All I know is that I will not have any regrets and my mom always told me the saying that goes " it's an long road that doesn't hit a curve" and they will hit theirs some day. You will always have me to count on mom' I LOVE YOU

Starla... You are so right... but, I think this type of person (siblings, acquaintance, 'friend', neighbor, etc)... are mostly like horses that you bring to the spring... you can't. Are them drink the water... But, there are 'some' (rare and special) people out there that do understand... So many of these understanding people have gravitated to find this AC site (blog). Thank God we found one another! (It has literally saved my sanity!). I know it's still maddening at times... believe me... I know that all too well, because one minute I'm up and the next could be very down... (that's when I come here).... Try to get your rest and know you are so special (slough off these people whenever possible and surrender in knowing you're terrific...! No one gets away for free in this life... Love you!!!

Please tell me there is an article about how caregivers who are misunderstood! My friends don't understand the isolation, when no one helps, the impact it has on your physical and mental health. That you are just a complainer, blamer, etc. It takes a huge toll over time. What do you say to them? They don't get it. What's really horrible is siblings who know the toll and sacrifice and could care less. Someone must convince others about this!!! my siblings actually use the excuse because I am single that I should do this for my mother. they say you're not married and we have families. your children are growncan you use this as an excuse? It's ridiculous. Selfish is what they are and take advantage because I live the closest. I am big for respite. I can't seem to erase that last sentence. I meant to say I have begged 4 some respite from them and never got it. I hope someone can find an article that shows that people's judgementon caregiving is so wrong andhow they try to make you feel like you're this huge complainer and a wimp. The fact of the matter is you're a strong person that's able to Soldier on.

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"I am stuck being my adopted mother's slave. She always tells me, if I would of known the way you turned out, I wouldn't of adopted you, I would of only adopted your twin."

Laura, you have put up with this woman for 2 years. Time to walk away! If my mother talked to me like that, I would quit doing anything for her. (Well, the one thing I would do would be to contact my brothers -- all out of state -- and tell them I was walking away.) My mother and they (well, one of the three wouldn't bother) would be scrambling!