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What Is Durable Power of Attorney?


I have two brothers who have honestly not pitched in at all with My Mom. After my Dad passed 17 years ago, just was coincidental that my husband and I were looking for a home at the same time. So when he passed we thought we would give her the 4th bedroom. Well, who knew she would still be with us today. Not being mean, she is now 91 has mid-dementia, has had a stroke, and I have two daughters with auto immune diseases and life is not easy. I work full time so does my husband, he is still working but could retire if we could move and downsize. I feel guilty but I get no help from my two older brothers, my Mom does have a trust that she insists is to be divided equally btwn the three of us. My oldest brother all kids are married have homes, he is just waiting for SS to kick in his home is beautiful and will downsize, is not wealthy but secure. My middle brother has no children and has no money issues at all. What is wrong with this picture??? I am so stressed out at times I feel sick. Every thing I say to my brothers fall on deaf ears. All I want is xtra to fix my home so I can sell it at a decent price, as with my Mom there and my daughters feeding 5 for 17 years it has been hard financially. Some weeks I work 6 days a week for xtra money. I don't want to get into any legal trouble, nor will my Mom now even stay at one of brother's homes she doesn't feel welcome. So no vacation for my husband and I for the last seven years, not that I have the money for one either. Can someone help me at at least help me not feel guilty I have Durable POA, and I am Executer of her Trust. I feel my husband and I should receive some money to help us feel less stressed especially now since she is becoming harder and harder to handle with the dementia and hardly can walk. needs to feed etc. Is that unreasonable at this point??? It is more my Mom, not sure my brothers would care at this point, nor would they ever know if she helped me. Suggestions please.

I have Durable POA. I am so confused. Can I write my Mother's monthly bills ect. ???


It is so sad when siblings cannot get along. It may help to ask your sister why a nursing home is needed? Is this something the doctor has told her? Are they other health problems that your mother has?

Such a discussion may take place better one on one instead of in front of everyone. Have you always had trouble getting along with your sister or is this something new?

What does your dad think about your mom going to the nursing home?

What level is your mom's alzheimer's / dementia? Have you read the stories here about those who try to take care of a parent with alzheimer's / dementia on their own at home? If not, I suggest you do.

It may be that your sister is looking at your mom's health needs more pragmatically in terms of the present and future needs of her safety and care. She may be also thinking of your own health from the standpoint of taking care of your mom with alzheimer's / dementia. 24/7?

As medical POA, it is her responsibility to look after such things and yours as the Durable POA to handle the money to get care needs paid for.

No one wants to go to a nursing home, but when it's needed it is needed. One person cannot take care of someone with alzheimer's / dementia. 24/7 and their condition only gets worse not better.

Question.....I have the durable Power of Attorney of both my parents. My sister has the health POA. My parents are both in poor health, and I can't get along with my sister. Mom has dementia and soon will need care. Sister is talking nursing home, and I want to take care of my mother. I will move her in with me, or live at her house to care for her. Mom confides in me more, says she does not want to go to a nursing home but will not live with my sister. When we try to talk about this with everyone present, mom will not say what she wants to my sister. I just can't figure out what to do. So does my sister have all the say with the health poa or do I have any say since I have the DPA. Please help answer my question.


I took your quote from the lawyer's letter literally and not as some pacifying statement. It would have enraged me not pacified me.

What do your other two sisters thinks of all of this? Have ya'll had a family meeting to discuss these concerns?

I think even $1,000 per month is too much. I didn't get any money for being my mother's POA.

I'm out of ideas and only left with questions.

How recently have you and your other sisters seen your mom? Is the POA sister living in your mother's house? If so why? Why is she driving your mother's care? What is her heart condition that landed her in the nursing home to begin with?

Good luck.

Medicaid application was filed 4 years and 3 months ago. She (the POA sister) is not getting $30,000 per year. That was just an amount written by the attorney to pacify us (the other sisters who began to question her). As far as we know, she is taking $1000 per month, and saving approx. $4800 per year on car payments, since she has been driving my mom's car. None of us are financially comfortable, and most of our friends have served as POA for their parents without a monthly stipend. Two sisters live near nursing home in south, two don't. I'm one of the ones far away. Should I compose a response to her lawyer, or hire one of my own to respond (which I frankly can't afford).

I think you and your sister need to go see your own lawyer.

"She has about 9 months until she is medicaid eligible."

Has the Medicaid application process started?

If so, they are going to do a five year look back and are going to ask where this $30,000 a year has gone. That's almost a 1/3 of the cost of a nursing home for one year. That is also about how much it cost per year for my mother to be in a nursing home after her long term care policy payments all came in.

Who is paying for the nursing home?

How far away are you form where your mother lives?

What do you suggest? How do we get her to stop paying herself? We hope that she is being honest, but she is not being transparent. My mom is still alive. She has about 9 months until she is medicaid eligible. Any ideas?


I don't buy it either.


Hi cmagnum,
I have 3 sisters. The oldest was assigned POA by my mom before her stroke. Second oldest asked oldest why she is taking not only $1000 each month, but in addition, also using my mom's car, thus saving herself probably $400 each month in car payments. Rather than answer the question, the oldest sister (POA) decided to have an attorney write a letter to each of us, telling us that $30,000 per year is not unreasonable for a durable power of attorney/health care surrogate. I don't buy it.