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"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"

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My mother I cannot allow to live with us as my husband flatly refuses because my mother has had outrageous anger outbursts with threats of killing people

Just found your site today. My husband and I are the main care-givers for his dad and stepmom, who live on their own. Dad is ok most of the time, but the step-mom is a real bitch. She likes to brag how she hates people in the family, and that includes her step-kids and their families. She treats her birth children a completely different way. She likes to say that all of the grandchildren are a disappointment to her (About 23 kids/teens). She is already making comments about our 11 month old grandbaby, asking what is so special about her. She's always been a bitch, but now with the dimentia, much, much worse. I gave her our family picture last year and she said she hated this one, and pointed to one of my daughter-in-laws. After dad's heart surgery last month, the kids have taken turns coming down to help out. She asked one of her step-kids what he wanted, and why did he come down here--this after him taking a week off work and flying down from Seattle. Anyway, we work with my husbands' family in a family business and are wondering how long we can put up with it. It is starting to effect our health but we need the income right now and can't quit.

I am so glad I visited this site. I had no idea what many people were going through. I am feeling a lot of same things that are talked about here. I know now I am not going crazy. It is OK to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, not even liking my own parent. I am doing the best I know how. Thank you, folks for your honesty! A Caregiver in Portland Oregon

Hon, I've been doing that for 39 years now. It never gets easier, but perhaps you can minimize your reaction time. My mom always seems to know how to push the right buttons. Part of what I'm finding now is that the reason my mother got all these foolish ideas (ie. dictating to dad how to drive so she could have her independence still and the list goes on) is from long time friends of theirs. They've been snowed by all these "truths" mixed with pure stupidity, which equals really dangerous situations for my parents.

So for me now, I finally know a piece of the puzzle that long caused mom and I discord, although there are many other aspects to that still. The one piece is this couple who are long-time friends. So now I need to severe that relationship that is harmful to my parents. I know going into this is going to get ugly, but knowing what I know makes the next round of battles easier to deal with.

What grates on my last nerve is how when my mom doesn't want to talk about something (like showering these days), she changes topics. She then starts scheming on how to bypass me or give me another excuse. Let me say this... it refines your skills in how to deal with others. It gives you a thicker skin when you deal with outside people in your life because no one will ever be closer than your mother (so to speak). If your own family can treat you like that and you survive it, what can an outsider do to you?

Sometimes that's who I have to look at it. Sometimes you need to ramble, but then step back and breathe. Look at the pattern, know what's coming up and just keep your cool. It never changes so there are indicators to watch for. Maybe that will help?

Me,58 Mom86 How do you respond when Mom is told something(a truth) and she tells me I'm lying and I can't convince her otherwise. We have lots of LOUD fights,resulting in lost tempers and hurt and angry feelings.I can't seem to learn to keep my mouth shut and ignore hurtful or confused? comments. I get soo angry at her but more at myself for falling in the same traps over and over. Grrrr Also more ""crap" that it would take all day to whine about. Thanks for letting me vent.

Try #2... I finally had to get my mother and father in assisted living after my mother did three hospital runs for attention seeking (a long story there). My mother and I never got along. My father used to be a cushion between she and I. Now since his stroke 4 years ago, he's gone downhill drastically. Emotionally I am beyond drained. I told the assisted living to not give my mother my phone number because my mother used to call me 15 times a day over nothing and just run me ragged. My mother is trying hard to remember my number. She has been miserable with me when I was growing up and now I have put in her a beautiful assisted living facility and have provided everything plus for her. For a while with the new medications, it was kind of nice seeing her compliant and social. Now that the medications have kicked in, she is going right back to her old behaviors.

She is nasty, critical, unreasonable, and demanding. My mother's new control issue is not bathing. I can understand dad because he has Alzheimer's and he's sadly going downhill faster than I thought he would. So for him not to remember I can understand. Mom however, is doing it intentional. Another issue of control she's trying to get back over me. There is another underlying story that gets her back to the days of trying to get me to quit to come back home and care for her when there was nothing wrong with her. It just escalated after dad's stroke.

I love her enough to make sure her needs are cared for, but we are back to the point in her game that I'm going to have to show her once again she won't win in this. I've had 39 years of this. I'm not even 40 and I'm exhausted beyond belief from the past 4 years of these things going on since dad's stroke. I love her enough to understand its part of her emotional disease of control, but I can't stand her in the same breath. I try to do what is necessary for them, but when I get the facility telling me they won't shower and are gamey, all I get from my mother is, "Oh please, that's what they were talking to you about?" Now, mom will plant her feet in harder, and I'm going to have to deal with it. Part of what I told her is that the health department audits the health records of the residents. If people are not taking showers within a timely period, it is cause for eviction. Mom thinks she's going to get back to her house, and this could be one way she does it. She is not going back because she tried killing herself before when she was on her own (she starved herself down to 74 lbs at only 5 ft 2 in). My next two options are getting her back into the geriatric psych, which I know she cannot stand (altho they were great in getting her to eat), or I'm thinking of challenging her with the possibility she will be going in a nursing home where she will lose all her beautiful things in her apartment now and she will lose some of the freedoms she has presently. Maybe the loss of independence or privileges will change her mind. Before anyone gets upset with me, mom had two admits to a geriatric psych because of her behaviors (again too long a story). Both psychiatrists said that this will be a pattern for her, and she will need to have consequences for her behaviors. Question is how long can I handle this stand?

I'm just at a loss. I am frustrated, I am ticked off, and I've had enough! Even my husband is just tired of these games with mom. Its so funny because she will do well for a while, and I tell my husband "Wait for it." Sure enough...

Anyway, any suggestions you guys have since there are obviously others who do not like their parent(s) right now.

I finally had to get my mother and father in assisted living after my mother did three hospital runs for attention seeking (a long story there). My mother and I never got along. My father used to be a cushion between she and I. Now since his stroke 4 years ago

hi,there are alot of us here listening. You have a full, plate. May I ask why your mom is not in a nursing home?I personally think waht you are doing is very couragous, but don't lose yourself or your child.It can and will happen if you let it . Contact your local area on aging they will have help. If you think you'll need conceling start now, it can't hurt. Use this site, these people know what there talking about. I have only been a care giver for 7 months, so I.m a rockie, alot of others have been here a long time I'm sure they'll be posting to you soon. Good luck.. Cyber hugs.. sandy//

I am not sure that this is the right section for my comments but I hope so. I am having to take care of my mother, she has only got 20% function of her heart and any where for 10 % - 30% of several of her main arteries. She is not "with it" most of the time and when she is she is upset with me, as if I am the one that made her sick. She walked out of my life when I was 12 and did not come back into my life until a few years ago, I am now 52. I have tried to let the old feelings go but when she starts belittling me they all ome back. Over the last few months she has gotten very weak and not able to take care of herself at all. Her husband of 38 years walked out on her, with her pushing him away, 3 months ago. Until a month ago she was able to get around, she even worked part time to have extra money to buy the extra things she wanted. Now 2 weeks ago I took her to the hospital to have a pacemaker put in and they found that things are alot worse than they thought, and she has gone downhill real fast. They released her from the hospital with no plan of follow-up care, even thought I had told them I could not do it because my back is hurt, my health is not the greatest do to cronic pain and migrines, and I am raising my 10 year old grand daughter. I have had her for 10 years. I have no family here because I moved to the state where my husband has lived most of his life when we got married 3 years ago, which was a year and a half after my feiance died do to liver cancer, which I provided hospice care. I feel like I have been left out in the cold, in 20 feet of snow and I have no winter coat or a shovel to dig my way out. I am alone as far as her care goes because my husband has no clue what to do or even how to do any care. I am having to stay at my mother's house because we do nt hve the space in our home and I get to see my husband and grand daughter about 30 minutes a day when they come to my mothers to see me and her. I have a part time job that I can not work right now and that makes my problems worse because we live on a fixed budget when I don't work. I am angry, scarred and hurt. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. I find my self crying alot. and I am not one to cry. I feel lost. My mother is talking to people that have been dead for anywhere from 3 to 50 years, she is calling for toys that she had as a child, a young child. She is yelling "they are hurting me" "let go" "tell me the truth" and many other things. I am not sure what to do or how to handle this. I feel like I am wrong in my feelings and I have told my husband when all this is over I will need to go to counceling because of the things this is bringing up for me. (I coulkd go on and on but she is hollering again, so I need to close.) Thanks for being here ..... I just found you all.

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FJ -Thank for your information we need all the tools that are available for this caregiving job.