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"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"

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Having a tough time... Can't even put into words how sick I feel about my mother... How does one get over it? It hurts so much to get slighted, humiliated... And now she's too old even for any kind of conversation... I pray for all of us that go through this hardship while our lives and happiness have been permanently damaged.

Sheena and Driving Miss Daisy: Those stories are awful. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I hope you find some peace and relief soon.

Sheena797, it sounds like it is definitely time to move Dad out of your home.

I care for my father who is a 80 year old tyrant..my husband and I have bent over backwards trying to help make him feel at home..he swears at me throws things threaten to even kill my dog! I've come to the conclusion he sees me as this stupid woman (that's his favorite name for me) god for bid if I forget something but he has been like this all his life he was abusive alcoholic, and hurt most along his way in life..I took him in knowing his health was bad and needed care as no one else will care for him but I'm at my wits end I'm tired of the name calling and temper tantrums and my husband is wanting to toss him out the door I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place sobbing most times and smoking like a chimmy...

Oh where to start, where to start!! Here I am in my early 40s living back at home, a place that I moved so far away from 25 years ago to escape the physical abuse and emotional abuse my mom gave. My mother has had cancer 3 times over the last 10 years. Last summer my dad unexpectedly passed away. and my mom asked me to come and stay with her. I did so without hesitation, not remembering how bad the abuse actually was that made me run so long ago. I rented out my house 500 miles away, quit my job, packed up MY LIFE and headed here to be here for her. Within 2 weeks of being here I was reminded of why I left in the first place. She has made me dependant on her now, and my life is pure torture and hell. My dog hides in my room all day even he feels it. I pray that God will take her soon because I don't know how long I can take this for. Only thing is she seems to be recovering well from everything (double mastectomy last fall which I nursed her back from, she wouldn't let a nurse come to the house once so there I was emptying drains like a new borns' feeding schedule.She never thanked me once. She is only 73 and also suffers from moderate COPD and high blood pressure. I pray to God all day everyday to watch over me. Thanks for having this forum to rant.

I was told by my counselor that loving a person does not mean you have to like them. I learned to love my narcissistic mother as a human being rather than my mother. I would not let anything happen to a stranger if I saw them and I would fight for them to receive the same kind of care. The only difference for this particular human being is she had the title of mother in my life and I could honor her by putting safe emotional boundaries around me while making sure she had basic fundamentals in her life taken care of.

Loving someone does not mean liking them. I would never choose my mother as a person to have in my circle of friends or even acquaintances, but she was in my life for whatever purpose. We have to learn how to set those boundaries and realize it's okay. Do it in a loving and God-fearing method and you won't feel guilty.

I went to the mountaintop of extremes with my mother too often to count. But somehow no matter how narcissistic she was, she never went over the edge of the cliff other than choosing her own fate at end of life. Ah yes, tough love. The hardest one of all.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You are honoring the 10 Commandments by caring for her, but you don't have to like her.

There is no WAY that I will give anymore direct care to a physically abusive mother who demands that I rearrange the couch pillows while she languishes in bed, all propped up with her NYT and crossword puzzles. I am a single mother of 2 with a full time job. I will be god damned if I am going to cater to this abusive woman during my limited time off work. RIP can't come soon enough!

I think we have a troll here...(above)

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Well this is a hard one and a very fine line. Honoring is about not becoming a whipping post, but also I had to also forgive my mother. I don't miss her in the least, but she was like she was because she was so fearful and gripped that fear TIGHTLY all her life.

I think people believe that boundaries are not healthy or when they see a parent throwing a tantrum, the guilt sets in. It does at first, but that's where therapy comes in. I am fortunate in that I had a counselor who was a Christian and had foundational beliefs as I did (not intentionally sought out). He turned out to be an answer to prayer and 20 years later we are friends and he is actually helping me with a non-profit I am now building.

Your sister-in-law sounds like she is looking to be a martyr. I could be wrong. But with what I've learned, I'd tell her mother (if I were her) "Well, see if you can find someone else to handle everything for free and get back to me." And I would be prepared that if she hired someone else, I was free of the duty. Ask my girlfriend. I say all the time that when my mother was pissed off at me and wouldn't talk to me, I was grateful for the peace and quiet and lack of drama in my days. LOL

Caregivers think they have to do it all. NOT true. Sometimes we cannot physically do it. This isn't like handling a 8 lb baby taking care of feeding, wiping, clothing, etc. These are full grown adults. There are independence issues to deal with, legal matters, housing, their responsibilities on top of our own. It's a nightmare.

I have more respect for people who seek assistance and aren't afraid to say they cannot do it all. Because I know that even in what I did (when my parents were in AL), it still took a physical toll on me and many years to recover. Actually, I think I'm still recovering after 3 years.

The key is understanding the difference between honoring a parent and becoming a doormat. God doesn't take to dysfunction and Jesus already took the burden of the cross. We just need to learn to forgive those who hurt us and set the healthy boundaries of God's love to let things work as they should.