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"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"


This headline fits my situation and my Mom to a tee. She has lots of milk but very little honey. A hard worker, who doesn't complain about that, but constantly berates my dad, even before he unfortunately got dementia, and criticizes us kids ( except our only brother) even when we cook or clean or otherwise try to help her and Dad. He now has dementia and she has arthritis which is painful when overworked particularly in her legs.It took some time for Mom to accept our help with the work and interacting with Dad. We suggested home care for Dad's care, cooking, cleaning to supplement our help. but she refused. Now she's recovering from bypass surgery. We've willingly been with her and Dad 24/7 thru surgery and recovering at home. Mom is now moving aruond well, and is astounded that she has very little arthritic pai neven tho she does state it's because she isn't working right now.Now that we're thru the main crisis we can leave themalone together for a few hours and need to plan for us kids getting back to our own families and lives. However, we are back to square one. We still want to be there to help take care of them, drive to appts. help with finances etc. as before the surgery but if now is not the time to bring in some hired help, I don't know when it will be. Continues with same refusal. Anhy suggestions?

I'm soooooo glad you got out today Jess... And, glad your mother is in a better mood. Yes, I understand about walking on eggshells... Don't you just love the high high's and low low's we go through?... I don't think that does our heart and soul any good...

My mother has been on her best behavior today. She was depressed yesterday. I'm walking on eggshells, trying to keep the feelings positive. I went out to exercise today. I think it helps her for me to disappear for a while. I am glad that I can still do that.

Hi Heidi and Jess... The plant I was talking about is called 'Basket of Gold' (not Pot of Gold like I originally said... Oops)... ... I'm in Denver... Hope you can buy it by you... Yes, we great gals seem to be struggling eh?... I am glad you have a husband Heidi... Nice to have some support (even though it all gets old... no matter how many people have to endure such 'torture'... At least your mom is safe where's she is now... Only she can make herself happy... Like you and Jess, I'm always at fault for one thing or another... You think I'd (we'd) be used to it by now, but not yet anyway... Since it's Mother's Day, I have to 'watch' my P's and Q's as I don't want to 'ruin' her day/weekend... Of course my Saintly older brother and family will swoon my mom... And the younger brother will not probably call... I'm going to do everything possible to stay out of her way (away... away... With the weather, I can work outside planting seeds, etc... (I have to be a good girl... I'm being sarcastic here...). 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

Heidi, I feel so bad for you. I know what you mean about feeling peppier when the stress is behind. That happens with me, too. I envy the people who have parents and in-laws who say they have lived a long, good life and know that the end of the road is not a bad place. It is something that each person who lives will get to one day. I wish every elder could be content with whatever their situation is. I think about Jeannegibbs' mother and how she embraced the changes in her life. Then I see others who are so mean and bitter. It makes me think of Dylan Thomas's poem "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night." When he said rage, rage against the darkness, though, I don't think he meant to be mean to everyone around you. I think he just meant to live until it was all over.

Heart2Heart: Pot of gold? I'm intrigued. I'm looking for a few new things to plant, so I'm going to have to hunt that down and see what it looks like etc. Especially if it's a perennial!
I've actually stayed away the last couple weeks because I've had other things to do, like help at my mother-in-law's, etc., and it's such a weight lifted. I dread going tomorrow to see her. And I've felt it all week, too, feeling tired, low energy, just blah. And the moment I get away I usually feel pepped up again.
It's odd how they can be so grumpy. They're angry with their whole station in life etc. and then we try to do nice things or take time for them, and they just resent us. (Or my mom does, anyways!)
On one hand I get it, that she's not in her apartment anymore, but several social workers, nurses, a couple doctors and the judge decided she wasn't fit to live on her own anymore, that she was a danger to herself and her neighbors. But she doesn't see it that way. I suspect her attitude is better around the lady who runs the home than around me, though. Me, I'm the traitor. Even as she sits there and insults me and calls my husband every name in the book, I'm still a failure to her for not throwing my life to the wind and doing what she wants.

Phoenix... I love it!... Thank you!... Will try to do that along with more distance... Today, took my mother to her dr and surprisingly (because of my 'participation' he put her on an anxiety pill (daily)... I sure hope this helps calm her down (it may even help lower her BP). 🌷🌷🌷

Heart dig it up put it in a pot and take it to a neighbour or to the care home down the road or throw it out the upstairs window. Sometimes you just have to rid yourself of fury. (And seeing as it is illegal to throw your Mum out of the window.....!!! xxxxxxxx)

Heidi... You're right... You just can't win... Mother's Day (all all the holidays) are bad for me because in all of my trying to make the house cheerful with beautiful flowers, etc.... They are considered absolutely nothing... More so, because she 'waits' for my brothers and her grandchildren to call (for their 5 mins of fame) and she thinks the sky has opened up because for those 5 mins she's 'loved' (your're right... WE'RE the ones always there for them and we get treated like crap.... It's so difficult to focus and live a healthy life. Like Jessie said we have to keep a distance (whenever possible). I used to think that keeping my mother company it made a difference, but it makes things worse. I made (worked so hard and built up a beautiful life with my humble house... With beautiful flowers around it to enjoy at this point in my life... But, she finds (picks out) fault with most things. For years she wanted a perennial called 'pot of gold'... This year one finally took and is blooming beautifully... Yesterday, she said it looks like a weed.


Does it get tougher for folks around Mother's Day? I'm torn because my birthday always falls around the holiday, too.

On past Mother's Days I've tried to make it a day for her and play down my birthday. Some years when she was more able-bodied, she'd try to make it a nice birthday for me. Usually it was gifts she'd like for herself, which she'd give to me and tell me I should like them because she liked them so much herself (never mind that we have different tastes), or she'd buy a cake she'd like, etc. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that she would celebrate it, but I'd have just liked a bit of the effort I expended to find something in a color or style I knew she liked, or to buy some fancy coffee because she loves her coffee, etc. (Fortunately my husband actually listens to me... and the self-pitying note will end once I get my visit to her over with this weekend.)

But, I used to not mind so much, but now, with my mom in one of her phases where she is constantly saying mean things about me and my husband (to my face, since she sees me most) and to the woman who runs the home she's at. I get tired of this "you failed me," "you deceived me," "you plotted against me" mentality. In some ways -- maybe most ways -- she can't help it. But to go on Mother's Day and be berated ... we're supposed to honor and cherish our mothers, and yet mine can't stand me most of the time because I've chosen to have my own life and not live mine just for her.

Heart2Heart, you put it in a good way. It hurts to get slighted and humiliated and it makes me feel sick -- literally, physically sick -- to deal with her. Migraines, tiredness, sick to my stomach, IBS ... all precede a visit to my mother. Then when I get away, it's like a weight is lifted...