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"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"


Heart2Heart, basket of gold. I looked it up, and it says it's not always ideal in humid climates, so it may not work well in Michigan, but it's pretty. And seems related to Alyssums, which are so pretty and smell so good. I'll have to keep an eye open nonetheless...
JessieBelle: The Thomas poem, I always thought it was about seeing life through to the end, too. I need to go re-read it now, and mull over the details, but I never saw it was being angry about the end, or trying to be bitter at the end.
As for Mother's Day, I was having a panic attack Saturday en route to my mom. I found an old Xanax and took half of it, just in case. Turns out the visit went OK. Did a bit of shopping and took her to a diner she likes, and the sun was out, which seems to influence her moods. A snowy, overcast day, and she acts like a tantrum-prone toddler, but with the sun and it being pleasant out, it reflected her mood. I was grateful that she wasn't angry.
She brought up the power of attorney stuff, and I told her I have nothing to do with it. I get no money, I handle no bills, etc. The attorney is in charge of it all. End of story. She said she was happy to resolve it. (For now, I'm thinking...)
Of course she then called me the next day and said it was a good day and reiterated she was happy to resolve that issue because she didn't want to start up a bunch of lawsuits and have me put in jail. OK. Whatever! I'm sure she'll want to sue again, and I say go for it. It doesn't take a lot to see there are problems with her. She'd be in court for five minutes -- if she could even take anything that far -- and she can't even carry a clear thought or hear what people say, so ... whatever. Let her daydream. Some people fantasize about getting away to Aruba or buying a dream house. She fantasizes about revenge.

I had the same mom as most of you. My mother had narcissistic personality but had two sides. One was what no one else saw behind closed doors with her family and another face she put on elsewhere. In 60 years she never said one kind, nurturing or loving thing to say to me. No recognition of the many achievements I worked hard for. She was also extremely physically abusive until I was 55 and she raised her hand to hit me and I put her up against a wall and told her if she ever did that again first I would rip her arm out of the socket and secondly I would have her arrested for assault. At 30 I moved 1500 miles away to get as far away as I could. I came back to Dallas 25 years later thinking I SHOULD to be here if she needed me in her final years. Huge mistake. Last year she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I took care of her until the day she died and was also taking care of my longtime boyfriend who was severely handicapped from a TBI and had dementia at 56. He had become a nasty, miserable and abusive person because of his illness too. So I was taking care of two ungrateful narcissists each of them hurling venom at me constantly. I'm not sure how I managed to refrain from putting a bullet in my head. Probably only because of the grace of God.
You would think that if someone was on their death bed you might spend sometime with them remembering the past good times (not many of those) or telling each other you loved them or exchange a few kind remarks but not from MY mom. Three days before she passed I brought her cane in (she only used it when she was not at home - and she was never going to use it again) that she had left in my car. I hung it on the doorknob where she usually put it but hung it on the right side of the doorknob instead of the left side like she liked it. She started screaming for me to get my sorry ass over there and hang it the right way. I simply said "Does it really matter?" Then she yelled "I swear to God I will never ask you to do another thing for me for the rest of my life!!!" REALLY!!!! I said "I would take that back if I were you." Of course she refused until I reminder her who had the morphine and dilaudin. When she passed I was so relieved that that source of torment was over for me. But the joke was on me. While cleaning out her house I realized there was not ONE single photograph of me anywhere. Tons of pics of my sister who had not spoken to my mom in over 20 years but no documentation of my life existed. I am trying to put 60 years of hatred behind me but I don't think you ever REALLY recover from being treated with such disregard. I have never been to the cemetery where both of my parents now reside and I will never go. Why put myself through that? To dredge up memories of an unloving and abusive mom and a father who never stood up for or defended his children. No thanks. I'm gonna let sleeping dogs . . .
No matter how much you try you can't change them and trying to figure out where things went wrong is just wasted energy. Don't expect something miraculous will happen at the end of their lives. It won't. Having said that I bought a big bottle of white wine to break open and drink on Mothers Day. I'm the mother to a two year old rescued Great Dane/ Sherperd who loves me unconditionally. For now that's good enough reason to celebrate!!!!!! God bless all you survivors out there. You are in good company on this site.

I wish that this was posted years ago. I am still dealing with the repercussions from caring for my mom. I do not feel any guilt about her but I do with my own family.

This headline fits my situation and my Mom to a tee. She has lots of milk but very little honey. A hard worker, who doesn't complain about that, but constantly berates my dad, even before he unfortunately got dementia, and criticizes us kids ( except our only brother) even when we cook or clean or otherwise try to help her and Dad. He now has dementia and she has arthritis which is painful when overworked particularly in her legs.It took some time for Mom to accept our help with the work and interacting with Dad. We suggested home care for Dad's care, cooking, cleaning to supplement our help. but she refused. Now she's recovering from bypass surgery. We've willingly been with her and Dad 24/7 thru surgery and recovering at home. Mom is now moving aruond well, and is astounded that she has very little arthritic pai neven tho she does state it's because she isn't working right now.Now that we're thru the main crisis we can leave themalone together for a few hours and need to plan for us kids getting back to our own families and lives. However, we are back to square one. We still want to be there to help take care of them, drive to appts. help with finances etc. as before the surgery but if now is not the time to bring in some hired help, I don't know when it will be. Continues with same refusal. Anhy suggestions?

I'm soooooo glad you got out today Jess... And, glad your mother is in a better mood. Yes, I understand about walking on eggshells... Don't you just love the high high's and low low's we go through?... I don't think that does our heart and soul any good...

My mother has been on her best behavior today. She was depressed yesterday. I'm walking on eggshells, trying to keep the feelings positive. I went out to exercise today. I think it helps her for me to disappear for a while. I am glad that I can still do that.

Hi Heidi and Jess... The plant I was talking about is called 'Basket of Gold' (not Pot of Gold like I originally said... Oops)... ... I'm in Denver... Hope you can buy it by you... Yes, we great gals seem to be struggling eh?... I am glad you have a husband Heidi... Nice to have some support (even though it all gets old... no matter how many people have to endure such 'torture'... At least your mom is safe where's she is now... Only she can make herself happy... Like you and Jess, I'm always at fault for one thing or another... You think I'd (we'd) be used to it by now, but not yet anyway... Since it's Mother's Day, I have to 'watch' my P's and Q's as I don't want to 'ruin' her day/weekend... Of course my Saintly older brother and family will swoon my mom... And the younger brother will not probably call... I'm going to do everything possible to stay out of her way (away... away... With the weather, I can work outside planting seeds, etc... (I have to be a good girl... I'm being sarcastic here...). 🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

Heidi, I feel so bad for you. I know what you mean about feeling peppier when the stress is behind. That happens with me, too. I envy the people who have parents and in-laws who say they have lived a long, good life and know that the end of the road is not a bad place. It is something that each person who lives will get to one day. I wish every elder could be content with whatever their situation is. I think about Jeannegibbs' mother and how she embraced the changes in her life. Then I see others who are so mean and bitter. It makes me think of Dylan Thomas's poem "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night." When he said rage, rage against the darkness, though, I don't think he meant to be mean to everyone around you. I think he just meant to live until it was all over.

Heart2Heart: Pot of gold? I'm intrigued. I'm looking for a few new things to plant, so I'm going to have to hunt that down and see what it looks like etc. Especially if it's a perennial!
I've actually stayed away the last couple weeks because I've had other things to do, like help at my mother-in-law's, etc., and it's such a weight lifted. I dread going tomorrow to see her. And I've felt it all week, too, feeling tired, low energy, just blah. And the moment I get away I usually feel pepped up again.
It's odd how they can be so grumpy. They're angry with their whole station in life etc. and then we try to do nice things or take time for them, and they just resent us. (Or my mom does, anyways!)
On one hand I get it, that she's not in her apartment anymore, but several social workers, nurses, a couple doctors and the judge decided she wasn't fit to live on her own anymore, that she was a danger to herself and her neighbors. But she doesn't see it that way. I suspect her attitude is better around the lady who runs the home than around me, though. Me, I'm the traitor. Even as she sits there and insults me and calls my husband every name in the book, I'm still a failure to her for not throwing my life to the wind and doing what she wants.


Phoenix... I love it!... Thank you!... Will try to do that along with more distance... Today, took my mother to her dr and surprisingly (because of my 'participation' he put her on an anxiety pill (daily)... I sure hope this helps calm her down (it may even help lower her BP). 🌷🌷🌷