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"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"


I sat here, at the age of 62 last night, the night of Father's Day and 7 years after his death and was talking to the air at my dad after looking at all the wonderful memorials people put on Facebook. My father had vascular dementia but could control it around the nursing home staff but not me. He always was a narcissist and had a horrific temper but I believe loved me until I started formulating my own opinions in my late teens. The last Father's Day I bought and sent him a radio and CD player to play his CDs and he yelled at me screaming that his landlady's daughter gave better presents than I ever did and he threw my gift into the garbage can! I yelled at the air last night that I was really pissed, I do not wish him a "Happy" Father's Day and he treated his only caretaker, me like garbage. Why did he hate me so much till his dying day. Everyone believed him as he was as sweet as pie to them, not me. I did read your book and have connected with you over FB before, but this is still bothering me. Why do they hate and abuse the ones they are supposed to love. I am an only child also.

I came upon this when I googled how to be a caregiver to a parent you don't like. I feel like I've finally found people who know how I feel - the raw truth! So many similar stories that, to be honest, I laughed till I cried! First time I've laughed in years! Gallows humor sure, but still a better drug than xanex. I can't get off the toilet one day - go get me a laxitive the next. Go to the store and get me two bananas. This isn't a real hurrycane go get me a real one. I've lived too damn long so I'm going to start smoking again to speed things up. Well, it worked but not as he planned. Now he's on oxygen for the rest of his life and has declined mentally so he's crazy and mean. I want to run away. When I found out he was being released from rehab to go back home I wanted to die. I'm 60 years old with other serious family troubles, separation from husband, only child dropped out of college, etc., but I spend all of my time serving someone who takes out every frustration on me and acts like I exist to serve him. My health is going down the tubes. I've gone from being a healthy person who went to the gym five days a week to a lumbering arthritic wreck. Plus , I'm now going crazy myself. Serinity now! It's like childbirth, being forced to endure the unbearable. Only, instead of the reward of a baby you get years and years of the same soul crushing life. I was even plotting how to afford assisted living and if he lives two more years he will get my social security check! That's the only way to supplement his social security when the money from selling his house runs out! Im looking into assisted suicide when I get old and troublesome . I won't do this to my child. Sorry to go on and on. Thanks for the belly laugh.

Very thankful for this site- I see myself in all posts. Caring for my elderly mother x 6 mos who was showing signs of decline so I've moved her in with me. Well , she now seems to have rallied!!! She was never abusive to me as a child and took care of me physically but very very minimal emotional availability. Her personality traits ( some narcissistic coloring) that irritated me thru out my life seem exacerbated . I feel tethered to my home like a goat to a tree. I cycle b/w resentment and guilt and try to remind myself daily that as difficult as it is for me how must it be for her??? Helps temporarily. The number one take away for me is I do not want to live into my 90s not for myself and definitely do not want my kids to have to deal with this. Thank you all for sharing hope you eventually get some relief and can enjoy life once again.

How do I deal with a mother who was abusive emotionally and physically when I was growing up but I’ve not seen for 20 years and Now has health problems. SHe has no money never thought about life insurance etc. or prescription insurance. Was recently hospitalized and diagnosed with atrial fib relation and I have spent over $600 helping her with her medication and she was very nice at first and now that she had a cardioversion and is feeling better she is starting to be verbally abusive to me again. I feel very burned out and Hurt because I spent a lot of money and time to try to help her be well and now that she is feeling better she starting to be verbally abusive again and I don’t know what to do about those. I have been trying to do the right thing by helping her but I am feeling very sad and upset.

Absolutely - it may not be the right thing. It can be very damaging to care for a parent who as been and still is abusive. Pauline Boss, a psychologist, recommends that adult children who have been abused do not do hands on caregiving. I could not possibly ever care for my borderline personality disorder, narcissistic mother. I do distance caregiving and that is difficult enough.

I was with you until you said caring for them was "doing the right thing." it's a choice to take care of one's elderly abusive parent. It may not be the right thing. And that's ok.

I care for my 94-year-old mother-in-law. She is part owner of our house and has lived with us for 30 years. For most of that time, I worked outside the home and she would take care of our children. My kids are now grown and Mom is becoming increasingly incapable physically. I'm now retired and taking care of her while my husband continues to work so we can pay the bills. I have been her caregiver for 2 years and I hate it. It's not that she's mean, but she always complains or wants to tell me what to do. I hate being tethered to the house. There are many mornings when Mom is sleeping in and I stand in her doorway watching to see if she is still breathing, hoping that she has died during the night. There are so many times that I have to fight the urge to physically harm her. Often, It's my outsized respect for forensic pathologists that keeps me from doing anything terrible.

My story..a mother who passed from Alzheimers last year.. at 78.. a father who is 81 who cannot understand he needs move on and sell his house.. is trying.. but no offers at his price.. doesnt want to leave.. has always been difficult.. has no relationship with my siblings..fought with the one sister who was living with him.. now she is leaving.. He has trouble walking due to neuropathy,,IM convinced he has dementia.. depression is a diabetic..and has Afib..
has lied and been deceptive freq.. which has got him into the financial situation he is in now.. I am the power of attorney and executor.
He is chauvenistic.. and belittling..seems to have no respect for women.. and had three daughters.,
I tired of dealing with his crap..wont even let me sell stuff from his home because I wouldnt get enough for it.. would be giving it away.. almost like he is not living ina reality based world
my mother..was self centered and they fed off each other.
im exhausted from dealing with them alone. I have anothersibling.. the oldest sister.. no where to be found.my parents always helped her.. but she is non existent through this.
if any thing. I need prayers

My mother lives with my sister. She is 90 and has everything wrong with her. She was a great mom when I was a kid, then she turned mean when I grew up. She pits my sister, brother and I against one another all the time. Nothing pleases here and you can't do enough for her. She is always saying things to me that make me feel very guilty, like "I know you don't want to be around me", and things like that. I'm 60 now and the guilt I feel for not having loving feelings for her is horrible. I just don't want to be around her. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin when I have to stay with her if my sister is out of town. And the trouble she causes between me and my sister is just unbearable. We fight all the time because I don't help her more with mom, and come see her more. Bad fights. I just can't help it. I don't want her to die, because I know I will miss the mom I used to have, but at the same time, I wish she would pass so all the angst and anxiety will go away.


Maybe not first, but high on the list.