Caring for Elderly Parents You Don't Like

"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"

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Heart, I haven't been dealing well lately. Almost every word from her mouth has been angry. I tell her dinner is almost ready. She gets mad and tells me she's not ready to eat. I don't mind if she's not ready. It is the way she says it, like she hates me. She hates it when I do things around the house. She hates it when I don't. She is so nice to others, so they would have a hard time believing how difficult she is. If I was doing something wrong, it would be one thing, but she is in attack mode all the time. I think it safe to say that she simply hates me for being there. I've tried to figure out how to leave, but there is no one else.

The way I handle it is giving her wide berth. I'm almost like a distance caregiver living in the same house. I feel neglectful a lot. I would really like to have a good relationship with her so life would be more enjoyable. That isn't going to happen, so I give her space.
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Jess👼... I thought (after being away from her for decades) that she would appreciate me helping and giving her a quality of life in her old age, but it has only shredded mine. I can't be as C-O-L-D and heartless as her... I just don't know how to come to terms with 'her'. How do you? Or, do you?
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I know what you mean, Heart. Today I asked myself again, "Why is she always so angry?"
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Having a tough time... Can't even put into words how sick I feel about my mother... How does one get over it? It hurts so much to get slighted, humiliated... And now she's too old even for any kind of conversation... I pray for all of us that go through this hardship while our lives and happiness have been permanently damaged.
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Sheena and Driving Miss Daisy: Those stories are awful. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I hope you find some peace and relief soon.
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Sheena797, it sounds like it is definitely time to move Dad out of your home.
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I care for my father who is a 80 year old tyrant..my husband and I have bent over backwards trying to help make him feel at home..he swears at me throws things threaten to even kill my dog! I've come to the conclusion he sees me as this stupid woman (that's his favorite name for me) god for bid if I forget something but he has been like this all his life he was abusive alcoholic, and hurt most along his way in life..I took him in knowing his health was bad and needed care as no one else will care for him but I'm at my wits end I'm tired of the name calling and temper tantrums and my husband is wanting to toss him out the door I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place sobbing most times and smoking like a chimmy...
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Oh where to start, where to start!! Here I am in my early 40s living back at home, a place that I moved so far away from 25 years ago to escape the physical abuse and emotional abuse my mom gave. My mother has had cancer 3 times over the last 10 years. Last summer my dad unexpectedly passed away. and my mom asked me to come and stay with her. I did so without hesitation, not remembering how bad the abuse actually was that made me run so long ago. I rented out my house 500 miles away, quit my job, packed up MY LIFE and headed here to be here for her. Within 2 weeks of being here I was reminded of why I left in the first place. She has made me dependant on her now, and my life is pure torture and hell. My dog hides in my room all day even he feels it. I pray that God will take her soon because I don't know how long I can take this for. Only thing is she seems to be recovering well from everything (double mastectomy last fall which I nursed her back from, she wouldn't let a nurse come to the house once so there I was emptying drains like a new borns' feeding schedule.She never thanked me once. She is only 73 and also suffers from moderate COPD and high blood pressure. I pray to God all day everyday to watch over me. Thanks for having this forum to rant.
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I was told by my counselor that loving a person does not mean you have to like them. I learned to love my narcissistic mother as a human being rather than my mother. I would not let anything happen to a stranger if I saw them and I would fight for them to receive the same kind of care. The only difference for this particular human being is she had the title of mother in my life and I could honor her by putting safe emotional boundaries around me while making sure she had basic fundamentals in her life taken care of.

Loving someone does not mean liking them. I would never choose my mother as a person to have in my circle of friends or even acquaintances, but she was in my life for whatever purpose. We have to learn how to set those boundaries and realize it's okay. Do it in a loving and God-fearing method and you won't feel guilty.

I went to the mountaintop of extremes with my mother too often to count. But somehow no matter how narcissistic she was, she never went over the edge of the cliff other than choosing her own fate at end of life. Ah yes, tough love. The hardest one of all.
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The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You are honoring the 10 Commandments by caring for her, but you don't have to like her.
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