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"I Love My Mother, But I Don't Like Her"


I care for my 94-year-old mother-in-law. She is part owner of our house and has lived with us for 30 years. For most of that time, I worked outside the home and she would take care of our children. My kids are now grown and Mom is becoming increasingly incapable physically. I'm now retired and taking care of her while my husband continues to work so we can pay the bills. I have been her caregiver for 2 years and I hate it. It's not that she's mean, but she always complains or wants to tell me what to do. I hate being tethered to the house. There are many mornings when Mom is sleeping in and I stand in her doorway watching to see if she is still breathing, hoping that she has died during the night. There are so many times that I have to fight the urge to physically harm her. Often, It's my outsized respect for forensic pathologists that keeps me from doing anything terrible.

My story..a mother who passed from Alzheimers last year.. at 78.. a father who is 81 who cannot understand he needs move on and sell his house.. is trying.. but no offers at his price.. doesnt want to leave.. has always been difficult.. has no relationship with my siblings..fought with the one sister who was living with him.. now she is leaving.. He has trouble walking due to neuropathy,,IM convinced he has dementia.. depression is a diabetic..and has Afib..
has lied and been deceptive freq.. which has got him into the financial situation he is in now.. I am the power of attorney and executor.
He is chauvenistic.. and belittling..seems to have no respect for women.. and had three daughters.,
I tired of dealing with his crap..wont even let me sell stuff from his home because I wouldnt get enough for it.. would be giving it away.. almost like he is not living ina reality based world
my mother..was self centered and they fed off each other.
im exhausted from dealing with them alone. I have anothersibling.. the oldest sister.. no where to be found.my parents always helped her.. but she is non existent through this.
if any thing. I need prayers

My mother lives with my sister. She is 90 and has everything wrong with her. She was a great mom when I was a kid, then she turned mean when I grew up. She pits my sister, brother and I against one another all the time. Nothing pleases here and you can't do enough for her. She is always saying things to me that make me feel very guilty, like "I know you don't want to be around me", and things like that. I'm 60 now and the guilt I feel for not having loving feelings for her is horrible. I just don't want to be around her. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin when I have to stay with her if my sister is out of town. And the trouble she causes between me and my sister is just unbearable. We fight all the time because I don't help her more with mom, and come see her more. Bad fights. I just can't help it. I don't want her to die, because I know I will miss the mom I used to have, but at the same time, I wish she would pass so all the angst and anxiety will go away.

Maybe not first, but high on the list.

"Oftentimes caregivers need to be reminded to put their own health first..."

If caregivers did this, they wouldn't be taking care of difficult elders at all.

I have two young children and my husband to care for as I'm a SAHM. For two years I've also had my elderly father who can't even make his own cup of coffee or bathe himself and does nothing but smell terrible, have terrible hygiene, and watch loud, violent tv all day and refuse to wear the headphones we bought him. I'm the youngest of four siblings but the other three are never seen or heard from. My father was a terrible father. He ignored me through my teenage years and I ended up homeless. He never inquired into my life or sought to help with anything or to give me any guidance other than "don't get pregnant." Now I have to care for him right when I'm wanting to have my third child. But I can't handle a son, preschooler, baby, husband, and dependent father, because I have no family assistance. If I wait much longer I'll pass my child-bearing years. Im giving up a career and more children to spend my 30s caring for a father who never bothered to care for me.

I have a mother that started not eating its off and on....so she was placed in rehabilitation then 3 weeks later longterm care ...one day i came their and she was crying confused do i started feeling guilty and then found out their is in home care where medicaid will pay for aide to come to my house as im preparing im wondering can i really handle this again .i have also had times where she wouldnt take her meds if she pist because she wants to go back home .but dr out there said she needs around the clock care ...and every time i see her rest home its difficult i suppose to transfer her home in 30 days

Texas gal, I feel that I know exactly how you feel. I feel such guilt when I hear how lucky I am and that it could be so much worse. Yes, to both. But that doesn't mean it's easy. I am a stepdaughter, only child, and dealing with a mother who really never showed me compassion. My memories are more about doing housework and doing it again because I didn't do it right. I had to eat everything on my plate, whether I liked it or not and now have to deal with someone who complains about everything she eats. I suffer from only-child syndrome...don't talk back, be respectful, etc. So now that she lives with me and has moderate dementia, when her passive-aggressive side shows its self, I tend to just shut down. But worst of all, I just don't have any compassion for her. She refuses to move into a retirement community, even though we have a gorgeous one that she can well afford. I feel angry over having to give up my retirement years to deal with this, and I too, sometimes find myself just wishing this would just be over. Then the guilt sets in again. (Sigh). Just know you are not alone. And, I too, appreciate being able to vent without being judged.

Texasgirl... I hear you... (we mirror each other quite a bit)... Believe me you're not alone... This site has been my God Send for many years now... It's extremely difficult to say the least. Keep strong, keep going out... definiely keep your job... the outside helps sounds like a great idea....


: "You are teaching your children how they will probably take care of you someday. So plan for good Karma!" How about never having kids yourself because you didn't want to pass on the abuse you grew up with? No way will I.ever subject myself to her evil in my own hands me! 15 years of it was more than enough before I ran away to get away from her. There is plenty of karma and she can face her own....I would never allow her toxic narcissist personality to poison my life ever again. Doing the right thing can also mean moving far far away....