lesliemcnary Asked September 2010

How should I talk to my younger sister if she thinks she should control my mother’s every move?

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Now that dad died my sister thinks she should be in charge of every decision that my mother should make. Our mom was a housewife and was left with a good amount of money. My sister feels she should tell her how to spend it, etc. She gets so angry if I dont agree or go along with her decisions. I think it is moms money and if she isnt spending foolishly its her choice. Even if she does spend it on dumb stuff isnt it her choice unless it hurts her? She sold a car to her ex son in law and my sister went balistic! She wants me to side with her. At times she is down right abusive. We all tip toe around her.

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oh lord, my situation is unbearable! my dad made all the decisions until he got ill from cancer and my sister slowly wormed her way into their lives as far as being named trustee, executor, etc...then i begged her for help when i was sinking in mortgages after the housing crisis...didn't get a dime but she went behind my back to my dad and convinced him that i needed a lifetime trust instead of getting my inheritance outright as was always the plan. i only found out a couple weeks ago and am just devastated. meanwhile, my mom's still alive but sis told me that i would take advantage of her and she's too nice and would do it...not that i had asked for anything! she just loves letting me suffer. she won't let my mom make any decisions and says i bring negative energy there and it brings mom down when in actuality, she brings the negative on me and mom loves me! she has the house guarded with the caretakers and they report everything i do to her...so it's gonna be very difficult to get my mom to sign a codicil so at least i get her half outright. sis is worth many millions of dollars and has fooled everyone into believing that i get everything...ya right! i despise her now...and am seeing a lawyer soon! thank god the lawyer that drafted the will and first codicil is very nice and trying to get one of dad's trusts to buy my condo as an investment and says i would get it back when mom dies...meeting with her on the 13th. wish me luck! i even got harassed when trying to set up a meeting with mom and the lawyer in her own home so may have to get the lawyer to override while sis is away for 3 weeks on yet another vacation...ugh!
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Thank you for your input, makes me feel better that I only have one to deal with (right now) I have an older sister but she is not well and hasn't had any input yet. When dad died last September she didn't even come to the funeral (same town) she asked mom for a "special veiwing" for her family only! When they couldn't (he died of CJD and had an autopsy and the funeral home said there is a law that the funeral home cannot come in contact with bodily fluids due to the disease. So she is out of our lives (had been before too) until the "Will" is read when mother passes if she is still around as she wouldn't miss what she would inherit! I have been very nice in my two short emails to my younger sister as I don't want her thinkning I am mad, I am leaving it in her hands to email or call me (all of us live in the same city) if she feels she wants to talk. Makes me wonder if after what we went through with dad and afterwords wasn't a lie in her book. She kept saying that it was just her and I now and we need to be close and gave me cards and gifts and "I love yous". Funny how that has all stopped now that I am not siding with her.
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MiaMadre Oct 2010
Thank you for the update. Your sister's action is no surprise to me. Even though my sister meant well, her actions were often very controlling too. And with two OTHER siblings, an older brother and a younger brother, it was quite an interesting mix of personalities with regards to Mom's wishes. Financially my younger brother took advantage of my mother on a regular basis, my older brother sold property that was NOT his to sell, then claimed that my mother 'squandered' the money away (again NOT true). And that left me in a rather compromising position when it came to getting things for my mother that she needed.

My younger brother assumed 'medical power of attorney' but virtue of the fact that "HE" was there when Mom was transferred to the rehabilitiation center.

My older brother assumed FINANCIAL power of attorney, but wanted NONE of the responsiblities that came with the 'job;.

We put the 'FUN" back in dysFUNctional when it came to handling Mom's affairs. Needless to say, Mom passed away in May of this year, and there has been LITTLE if any contact from my brothers and sister. As I said to them when trying to get everyone on the same page (unsuccessfully I might add), "One day Mom will pass and you can all go back to your pathetic lives, and you will have ONE less person to worry about (Mom). Sad.. so sad but true.

God bless you... please try to communicate with your sister, but don't make it your life's work. Sounds like a career move if you did so!! MOM is more important than she is!
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At this time my sister is not speaking to me. Two weeks ago I emailed her and said that if she had questions about the car that mom sold she could call the person she sold it to (my ex) and discuss it with him (he would put her in her place) and to stop yelling at mom as it is not good for her. I never heard a word. The next weekend she took mom to her cabin (mom's but sissy has taken over taking care of it; which in a way is okay but then she yells that she does EVERYTHING and no one helps. Well she never lets anyone (can we again say CONTROL) ) Anyway she yelled at mom again about the car (the insurance needs to be taken off but the tiltle wasn't transferred yet) so I emailed again and said just an FYI, please call Roger if you have questions about the car and I must again ask that you not yell at mom. I am POA thank goodness. She is on moms checking account but knows that if something is missing we would report it right away and get her name off. So far mom is okay with this so I leave it. Drives me nuts that it has to be all or nothing with her.
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MiaMadre Oct 2010
It would be great to see an update on this situation. Anyone?
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LynnPO Sep 2010
I'd label your sister an emotional bully and control freak. Trying to "get you to agree" is manipulative behavior that is likely to get much worse if you don't do something now. If it was my mom, I'd take her away for the weekend - or an afternoon WITHOUT EVIL SISTER - and ask what SHE wants and if she feels bullied, coerced or pushed around. Then I'd ask who MOM trusts most to look out for her best interest - THAT person should probably be named Mom's Power of Attorney ASAP (let's hope it's not your bully of a sister!!) You can start this conversation by saying that YOU feel bullied and you're worried that MOM feels bullied too.

If you use this approach you must do so with integrity and understand that your mom will probably need every dollar she's got to live on - don't do this expecting to retain any inheritance. The Motto is: Mom did without then, she should live a nice life NOW!

Often situations like this escalate into heated arguments, grudges and yelling - God forbid!! Perhaps you can avoid that by helping your Mom and keeping things quiet from Bully Sister. This is also a bit manipulative but it will keep the peace. I go through this with my brother all the time. Our situation is bad though and I've given myself permission to let go of any relationship with him. Once my Mom passes away, I'll never see him again - he's just too toxic. I HOPE you can rescue your relation ship with sister before it gets that far!!
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NancyH Sep 2010
Tell bossy sister to back off. If your mother is in her right mind, then you're right she should be able to spend her own money.
If the car was sold to bossy's ex hubby, then that would explain some things too. If not, your mother hasn't had her very own money to spend for a long time, so maybe she's just exercising her ability to do so now.
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