Follow
Share

I am new to this site and new to caring for the elderly all together. I feel lost and I need help from anyone who can spare it. I recently got engaged to a man I met on the internet 2 years ago. Although I knew he cared for his grandfather when I met him, I didn't know the details.
His grandfather is an 84 year old widow. I would hate to call him stubborn, but it is one of the best words to describe him. If I was having a bad day I would go as far to say he is lazy, care less and selfish! But I love the old man. My fiancee has been living with, and caring for his grandfather the past 10 years! They are from a broken family so I feel his grandfather relies on him more than usual for that reason alone. My troubles come into play as I am recently graduated college and now have plans to marry and buy a house with my fiancee. But I need to know if I should suggest putting his grandfather into a nursing home. I don't want to come off as the selfish and care less one, or make my fiancee feel like he has to choose between us, but ultimately, I feel he should focus his energy on our relationship and his own interests rather then worrying about his grandpa.
My fiance pays the bills, and then the two of us share the housework, grocery shopping and any and all repairs in his grandpa's home. His grandfathers home is falling apart because he refuses to spend any money for repairs. There is no working shower, running water in the kitchen or working washer or dryer. Luckily there is heat and air conditioning because my fiancee was once a heating and cooling installer and did it himself. Aside from the poor conditions of the home, his grandfather is a real piece of work. He is constantly making a mess; not in one room, but all rooms. Dirty dishes, empty food wrappers, food and drinks spilled and smeared all over the place. Newspapers piled up on tables and furniture. Yarn and tape that he uses for god knows what!
My fiancee also believes his grandfather has stolen personal belongings from him in the past. There is a collection of garbage, stolen junk and cardboard in his room.
His grandfather has poor vision and hearing. He is unable to walk for long periods of time without shortness of breath and pain in his legs and feet due to the fact he spends the entire day just sitting in his chair watching t.v while refusing to see a doctor even when we make the appointments for him. He doesn't even have a family doctor nor will he even hear about us finding him a new one. He believes alka seltzer is the cure for anything. This results in us getting sick from his constant spread of germs as he doesn't practice good hygiene. In fact, he doesn't even use soap. He merely soaks his hands in water whenever he uses the washroom.
Late last year, we had to rush him to the hospital as he had a hernia for so long it became tangled with his intestines. He fought with us about bringing him to the emergency room and refused to allow the hospital staff to come into his home to check on him and help him get back on his feet. He was out of commission for awhile and relied on diapers that we bought and found hidden in his closet. He would make home made diapers out of plastic bags and rags he would find to save money. He refuses to spend a dime on essentials. Tooth brushes, tooth paste, deoderant etc.

Another thing is, he is constantly making up stories about his past, things he sees on t.v and loves to gossip about his family including my fiancee who is his caregiver!!!
Although he is able to remember appointments like the time and day to be ready for grocery shopping, names of his family members, names of television shows and the days and times they run on, I feel if he lived alone his neighbors would complain of an unkept home, loud tv, and mice (from the constant garbage pile up and food being dropped on the floor and such). He cannot make popcorn without burning it, yet he still attempts to cook biscuits and such in his oven. His diet only consists of t.v dinners and pepsi. Again he is 84 and isn't on any medication or diet. I also think he would be in trouble for not paying his bills as I already stated, my fiance has been paying all the bills for the last 10 years. Of, course, we would still take him grocery shopping anc maintain his yard, but we would no longer be doing his housework or helping him care for his dog.
I guess my big fear is my fiancee and I getting in trouble as some people may see his current lifestyle being a result of neglect. The social worker from the hospital questioned his home made diapers and the untidy home that the paramedics reported to be "gross". We try our hardest to clean EVERYDAY. To put food in the house that can be cooked, and he refuses to eat with us. He will not see a doctor and we are told we cannot force him even when it affects our health. I am also worried my fiancee will feel to guilty to move out and start his own life with me and let his grandpa finish his life the way he chooses..

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Wow! What a story! It is noble of your fiancee to want to care for his grandfather, who apparently can't quite care for himself. Looking at it from the outside without knowing any of the people, I wonder if his noble intentions are doing more harm or good? Could his support be enabling some very unhealthy behavior? It is hard to say whether Grampa would do better if there wasn't someone there to make sure his bills are paid on time and the trash doesn't accumulate too deep. The fact that your fiancee was willing to live in a "gross" house for 10 years without running water in the kitchen and without a shower raises some questions in my mind.

I don't think you can make decisions for or about grandfather. But you certainly need to make decisions about how you want to live your own life. You need to make those decisions clear to your guy. Not as a threat or an ultimatum. Just as a matter of being fair and upfront with him.

I think there are some hard choices ahead. I truly hope you can resolve this in a way satisfactory to all concerned. Best wishes!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Yes, you are getting into trouble as someone who just graduated from college with evidently the money to buy your own house with a noble, but possibly enabling, fiancee who does not seem to get it that your relationship must take president at this point, even though yes it is not your job to say how grandpa gets cared for, but it is reasonable to expect his grandson to be so emotionally enmeshed with his grandfather, broken home or not. Doesn't grandpa have any living children? I think if a social worker or a home health nurse came into that house today, they would declare it an unsafe environment and possibly a building code inspector would say that house is not up to code and thus not a safe building to be in.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

to the second poster, he DOES have living children and other living grand children. They decided to have nothing to do with him after his wife (their grandmother) died. Why that is, beyond me. I am only a year and half into this picture, and all I can say is I am so angry at the situation and it is something my fiancee and I fight about all the time as I think he needs to stand up to his grandpa and demand his grandfather make better choices for himself, or allow my fiancee to make the choices for him...which I don't feel he would do which is why I am always in the middle stepping in. I am so worn out and I want it to end already.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

About that "broken home" rationalization. It is pretty hard today to find someone who doesn't have a "broken home" somewhere in the picture. Their own marriage dissolved, or their parents divorced, or their kids never married but split up and share custody of the grandchildren. It is very very sad and it can be very hard on the people involved. Sometimes people need counselling to heal. But we all have to take responsibility for what we do today. You don't want your own home to be broken before it even gets started. Take your time in moving forward in your relationship. Be sure you are on solid footing.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I brought up broken home to point out his own children and other grandchildren have nothing to do with him. No visits or phone calls. That is why I said I feel he depends on my fiancee more than a grandfather would usually depend on a grandson. I feel as though I am coming off petty when I really should be saying, I am now sharing the care of his grandfather and I feel we should be worried about starting our life together instead of running at every beck and call of his grandfather who is too stubborn to just ask for "help" but expects us to clean up after him and tend to his house work while he refuses to let us bring him to the doctor to keep him alive or tell us to leave him be and go live our happy lives. At this point, I almost feel like I never want to see the grandfather again and I don't feel that way about my grandparents. Is it because I am not related?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Not being related is probably a factor. But the situation is not one most young people, related or not, would welcome.

What can Grandfather reasonably be expected to do? What is he incapable of?

What would happen if he had to face the consequences of his stubborn behavior? What if he didn't pay his bills? What if the neighbors complained and brought social services in to investigate?

Grandfather "expects" you to behave certain ways because that is the way your guy has behaved for 10 years. What would happen if that changed?

I can't tell if this man is just stubborn (and maybe lazy and manipulative) or if he has genuine impairments that prevent him from taking care of himself. The fact that the rest of the family has written him off may be a clue of some kind.

Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I feel with every comment I am able to share more of the story and it is like a small but needed release. I don't think I am being unfair to the grandfather at all. Again, I love him. I spend time with him and talk to him and not under obligation, but because I like his company. However I don't like not being able to cook dinner in the oven without the alarm going off because there is burnt bread in the bottom of the oven from his attempts to make biscuits. We are both kind to him and do what needs to be done around the house. What gets to me the most is he NEVER asks! Ask me to make the biscuits, ask me to help you tidy YOUR mess. Don't just walk away and expect me to clean it because you are "old". Too old to clean the mess but not too old to know it's there. In fact, he doesn't even bother to say "I think I left a mess in...." or "I'm not able to tidy this or that, would you mind? Thank you" He just leaves it for me to see on my own. And there is never a "thank you" to be offered. My fiancee is doing this out of guilt and he is so worried about his grandfather's health it is taking a toll on his and now mine. I am reading more discussions and finding we are not alone, but I still feel outcast as I am NOT a relative or caregiver. Im more the assistant caregiver.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Why does your sweetie feel guilty? Has he done something to Grandfather?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Not at all. See, I couldn't go on with the story forever so not every detail could be posted. My fiancee was VERY close with his grandmother as his own mother was pretty brutal to him and his siblings. So he always celebrated his grandmother for the amazing woman I have been told she has always been. When she got sick and went into a nursing home, I am told she knew she was dying. It was around that time she asked my fiancee to promise always to look after his grandfather. Who I am told was healthy, of sound mind and ALWAYS did what his wife told him. So my fiancee would feel guilty to break his promise to his beloved grandmother. After her death 14 years ago, his other relatives stopped calling and he remained only in contact with my fiancee and his younger sister (who is married with two children and a full time job) who is not able to commit her time to caring for their grandfather. My fiancee began the care by visiting his grandpa in the mornings before heading to work and sometimes checking on him at the end of his shifts. Slowly he began to cut his grandfathers grass, walk his dog and run him to the grocery store. Soon he was living there, paying the bills and overseeing everything that went on. However he will not push his grandfather to see a DR. as I believe he should, nor will he talk him into letting his dog (who spends everyday ALL day and I am not exaggerating this....locked in a cage in the bedroom) go to a good home where he can finally be outside and around people. So I think my fiancee came at a time his grandfather was depressed and allowed him to sit around and eat whatever, do whatever because he thought his grandfather was grieving. Now the old man is basically calling the shots and leaving us to clean up the mess he makes in the process.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I should also point out, I graduated with a degree in Social Work so I know what I am seeing is something to raise a brow and be reported but what can I say? I am not sure if others have these problems and are able to put their relatives in a home, or if they have to endure it awhile longer until they slip away. There is no abuse or neglect on my fiancee's part. His only fault I have learned from the readers of my posts, is enabling.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

There is more than one way to take care of a person. Would his grandmother really be pleased at the way her husband is now living? Would she shake her head and mutter, "Boy, I told you to take care of him, not let him live in a pigstye! Do you think care means lettin' somebody do every dang thing they want?"

You can influence. You can suggest. You can educate. But ultimately the only person whose behavior you can control is you. I think if you read through your own posts tomorrow or next week you will see that you have already made up your mind about some things. Or maybe I'm wrong and you are just venting. Try it in a few days and see what you think.

PS. Grandfather may "slip away" within the year or in fifteen years. Keep that in mind.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My best advice to you STL is to wait. Don't rush into getting married until you've got yourself established. I see trouble on the horizon for you in thinking that your fiancee will even consider moving his grandpa into asst living or a nursing home. The fact that you haven't discussed it with him yet, tells me you're worried too. Get out on your own, do your social work, get yourself going by yourself and see what happens. I think it's wonderful that your fiancee has stepped up to help his grandfather, so don't expect things to change just because you're coming into the picture, related or not.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I presently am living with a friend and her parents that are 87 and 88...my home foreclosed and i had nowhere to go..my friend opened up here home for me to stay and her parents were just as gracious..after 7 months of being here..i have come to witness that my friend is not who I thought she was or who she had claimed...she lives rent free and very comfortably with her parents (so, do I at this time too)..and my friend has shown me a side that is immature and mean and cold to her aging parents...she manipulates and uses and yells and screams and calls them names when refused money or something she wanted..she will even go as far as punish them by not cooking or grocery shopping or helping them with day to day living...i naturally jumped in and started helping her parents out as much as possible...from doctor appts, now to writing out their bills..they have learned to rely on me more than their daughter...i am not a mean ugly person, but a decent honest person that respects people..especially my own mom and dad that passed away several years ago.

well, now my friend has seen my actions with parents and now has started a cold war with me and refuses to speak to me and has been trying to damage my credibility and reputation with parents by making up lies, claiming false accusations regarding theft, etc..luckily, her parents have defended me to her and know that they are all lies...it has escalated to a very ugly situation in the house...

I am torn now, because I am very concerned about the welfare of her parents if I was to leave the home, since I feel like I am being bullied and pushed out forcibly...if left with daughter, i worry if they will be alright...i cannot stand to see them hurt and know this is how they are to spend their last years on earth...they are such a beautiful couple and like my own parents...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your situation is nothing like mine at all. And I think you are doing a great thing by stepping up and caring for her parents. However, what you are seeing is the classic case of elder abuse and you should report it. At the very least confront your friend so she is aware you have taken notice and maybe she will mind what she says to her parents from now on and follow your lead and care for them the way a daughter should care for her parents. Sounds like the parents might also have some money saved up if they can allow you and your friend to live there for free to maybe have a relief worker come into their home once or twice a week to give you and your friend a break which could also help you work on your friendship.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Wow, stil, wow.
You already know that if you marry into this situation you will have a lot of stress over it and it will affect your marriage.
naheaton has it right.
to me it sounds like the poor grandfather has dementia and is somewhat of a hoarder.
My mom was doing stuff like that... house was in shambles, hoarded useless things, etc etc when I intervened in 04. I had no idea that she was in such trouble. She was angry and mean at that time and it was no walk in the park to figure out what to do and how to do it.
For you and your sweetheart to have any kind of healthy future, it must be the two of you first.
So many times someone, on their deathbed, will elicit a promise that simply cannot be kept.
This is one of those times.
I am so sorry that you are getting sucked into what I call the 'vortex of dementia'. I think that for someone like your sweetheart, it is like the frog in the frying pan. you don't realize how bad it has become until you see it through someone else's eyes. It just gets worse and worse until you are trapped.
good luck and keep posting.

wow to you too rojones, what a mess that is.
Abuse is abuse and not to be tolerated. Call Adult protective Services on the sly and see what can be done to assist the parents in their home. You may be able to help and get them assistance so the daughter can move on down the road and not spend her time screaming and scaring her parents. So wrong on so many levels and more prevalent than anyone could even imagine.
Letting off steam is one thing but what she is doing is not venting, it's abuse.
good luck to you too.
lovbob
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

It is sad to read of one more caught in a situation like your future husband in fear of guilt over an obligation promised years ago. As an adult, he is free to change his mind in light of the current situation now with his grandfather vs back then as well as his being single then and now preparing to get married. However, it is not up to you to fix this, but the more I read,(thanks for telling us more) the more I think you would be within your rights to say let us get some counseling before we get married and maybe an objective third person could help sort these things out without you having to get triangulated between him and his grandfather.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Wow! I appreciate the comments and advice so much. I was really scared I would be judged or perceived as having ulterior motives in the beginning. As the story keeps unraveling, I am still thinking through mentioning some things to my fiancee but all it sounds like is a big fat ultimatum. He knows I am disgusted by his grandfather's poor diet and hygiene. I am constantly pushing my fiancee to stand up to his grandfather and take charge. How can one be a caregiver when they are not doing what someone who cares would do? Even if it means putting your foot down! I realize on my own I am not going to change the situation or make my fiancee leave his grandfather, but I can point out the differences between his grandfather's wants and needs. One thing is for sure, we have bumped heads over that old man and sitting in the hospital being told by a social worker that the conditions of the house I spend 90% of my time in is "gross" was definitely embarrassing. But my health being affected by caring for a loved one, relation or not, something that should be easy, is where I draw the line. And I want my fiancee to draw that line with me. What I want him to understand is his grandpa has lived a full, happy life. He had a wife for 41 years and now he needs to let his grandson experience his life and stop being so stubborn because it only creates more work and more stress for us. I am now learning to fear what my grandmother will be like in a few years. She is still the same sweet, funny, busy body lady she has been my whole life and I hope I never took how wonderful she is for granted. And I see not everyone has it as easy breezy. But I also hope my fiancee, and anyone else can realize that "outsiders"| point things out because we CARE not because we are nosey or want all the attention or want to move anyone out of the way. I love my fiancee and his grandpa, but I KNOW there is no way he would make it on his own and that's why I WILL bring up the option of a nursing home. Thanks again for the continued comments, advice and support.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

In a nutshell, this all comes down to healthy boundaries. It is not an ultimatim to say that for my own health and the health of our relationship there needs to be some new boundaries that were not there before because we are preparing for a major life change. I had to do this with my wife concerning how enmeshed she was with her mother. Boundaries are not so much a means of changing or punishing someone as they are healthy self-protection. You and your future husband have some serious soul searching questions to face openly and honestly with each other. You already know this as a social worker, but it is harder to remember with ones own family to own your own feelings when sharing them using I statements instead of you statements because they also tend to not put the other person on the defensive. One of the hardest lessons anyone in a profession like social work, counseling, nursing, pastoral ministry, etc. has to learn is becoming seasoned without becoming hardened or reacting to people's problems so strongly that you burn out. Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

stl...Caregiving is a very hard hard hard road. I applaud your b/f immensely to being sweet enough to take care of his grandfather. Bravo to him for doing so. I just lost my mom recently and when I started the venture 2 years ago thought I was going to go insane...but trudged through the thick and the thin and at the very end was with her on Family Leave for the past 3 months and GLAD I DID IT. My mother never wanted to go to a nursing home..and when I did check out long term care found it HIDEOUS..at least the ones around me..in a middle class neighboorhood at that... My suggestion..and only a suggestion mind you is to keep at it...since you know Social work already you should know a lot of what lies ahead. The poor old man you must know may not know what he is doing, and putting the foot down does not always help. You think they know what they are doing but sometimes really not...the mind does deteriorate with age. He may not know what he is doing but thinks he does. I would wait until after perhaps grandpa is no longer living with you before you get married and carry forward....this might make your relationship stronger - the two of you working together with the same goals..it's part of life. Think of grandpa and his life he has lead and just to be thrown out after all this at an old age....we all get old...and we don't want to be tossed away. I would glean the best of what you read here....hang on to yer britches and go for the long haul...it will make you a better person in the end...I really think so. Remember we all get old and will be in the same boat one day.

Hey bobbie I said boat...lol!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

About the promise to the dying grandmother: I think it is admirable that the young man wants to honor that promise. Sometimes, as cmagnu points out, circumstances change and promises cease to make sense or to be do-able. In this case, though, I think it is perfectly possible to "take care of" grandfather as long as he lives. But taking care does not have to mean living in a gross environment or ignoring potential medical issues. It sounds like Grandfather might have congestive heart failure (from the description of his walking problems) and possibly dementia. He needs a thorough geriatric evaluation. I know that the fiancee is doing the best he can. I don't think it is good enough. He is acting from his heart but it is time to engage the head as well.

And why is the house falling down around them? If grandson has been living there for 10 years, why haven't repairs been made? Good for him about the heating and cooling. But that is not enough. If he is paying rent, he could withhold rent to bring the plumbing up to code. If he isn't paying rent, why isn't he contributing to the upkeep where he is living? Grandfather is too cheap (or demented) to buy soap and toothpaste? Surely Grandson can supply those things. There are aspects of this picture that are very puzzling. I know that we don't have all the details.

Grandfather is a slob. Maybe he has been all his life, and maybe this is new health-related behavior. Grandson has a job and a fiancee and is trying to have a life. OK. How about hiring a cleaning service?

I think Grandson should start living up to the spirit of the promise to "take care" of his grandfather. When he was younger and grandfather was healthy but loney, it meant stopping by to keep him company. Then it meant helping with the yardwork. Those were things Grandson could do. Great. But as the needs increased, I think Grandson simply got in over his head. No shame in that. We are not born knowing how to care for the elderly. But to honor that promise to his wonderful grandmother, I think it is time to bring in professionals who are trained in dealing with the specific issues Grandfather needs help with.

I would be proud if any of my grandchildren worked so hard to honor a promise they made to me. I realy would. But I would be crushed to see any of them do it in a way that interfered with living their own lives to the fullest. I hope they all know me well enough to understand I would never wish for that.

I guess this isn't any advice for you, stl. It is just another perspective to consider.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Well jeannegibbs, the whole story could probably go on forever and it would just get to the point of sounding bizarre and wildly exaggerated but I assure you it's not. The grandfather has bought and paid off the house. When I say bills I mean utilities and taxes, not rent. The grandfather is not contributing a dollar to his own home. He would rather sit with nothing than to give up a penny. My fiancee is on a limited salary as he is currently as I said paying at the grandfather's house and supporting me (he is my financial sponsor as I am with him on a visa in the US) until I am able to work. There is also the age gap between us. I am 22 while my fiancee is 45. I worry I will be taking care of his grandfather until he passes, and then I will be taking care of my fiancee until he passes after. I want children and my own clean, well functioning home. There is no home at his grandfather's house. It is a wreck. And there is no money for repairs or to bring in professionals because the only person with that kind of money is the one person who refuses to spend it. The grandfather. My fiancee and I both provide hygiene products, clothes, house shoes anything someone should have to be clean and comfortable, it is a matter of they go "missing" or are later found in a closet (like I mentioned was the case with the diapers in the first post). He uses a cardboard box as a foot stool after we bought him a lovely foot rest from a furniture store. It's not that the house does not get cleaned or the grandfather provided for, it is that he refuses to ask for assistance to lessen the mess or alert us that it's there in a timely manner. Professionals at this point would only say what I already know, and repeat what I have already told my fiancee. It's as if there is literally no escaping. What was his promise, is now my nightmare and I guess I resent them both a little bit. The grandfather for acting the way he does, and my fiancee for not telling me any of the details when we first met and began dating. I feel as though I was ambushed at times and I am the only one seeing the problem while everyone else sees it as normal and routine because my fiancee didn't know what to do when he began the care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ah, more details come out.

You want children and a clean, well functioning home? Ain't gonna happen here, honey. Get yourself disentangled from this disfunctioning household if you want to meet your goals.

You are afraid that if you marry you will be taking care of Grandfather and then, because of the difference in your ages, be taking care of your husband? Yup. That is a highly likely scenario.

You resent them now a little bit? That is nothing to how the resentment will build if you let yourself be trapped in this situation.

Your fiancee withheld significant information from you when you first met (online)? Ask yourself if that is a characteristic you want in the father of your children.

This man cannot afford to live rent-free, pay only utilities and food, and cannot maintain a house in livable condition? He is sponsoring you financially now -- what did he use that money for before he met you? Not fixing the plumbing, that's clear. So how will he suddenly be able to afford to pay mortgage payments on his own home, pay taxes, pay utilities, buy food, and support you and children? Even when you work, is that going to make enough difference? Do you love him enough to be willing to live in poverty? You see what his current standard of living is like.

There is not escaping -- unless you choose to escape.

I don't know much about the conditions on Visas. You are here under someone's financial sponsorship. Can you get a work Visa? Can you apply for citizenship (and do you want to)? Is going home and starting life there with your education a viable option for you?

You sound like a very logical, intelligent, observant person. You can surely make your own way in life. Maybe there are technicalities that will be hurdles for you to start with, but you have youth, vitality, and intelligence on your side. You'll make it.

Now that I know how old you are, I am going to give you the same advice I give all my grandchildren: Do not marry (or live with someone) until you have supported yourself for at least a year. Learn to be independent before you become interdependent.

You are very wise to be questioning your future in this situation. Best of luck to you as you sort this out.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

STL:

To paraphrase Gladys Knight in "Midnight Train to Georgia," would you rather live in his world than live without him in yours? If that's the case -- and until he makes a decision how and where to live the rest of his life -- you better get used to the baggage. Stubborn grandfather, barnyard-style house, and everything else you didn't think was so bad two years ago when you met him in cyberspace.

In a way, I don't blame you for falling in love with him. He sounds like a terrific man with a heart bigger than he is. Now you're having doubts about jumping the broom, daunted by the prospect your lot might not change for a while, and taking a plunge into a sea of uncertainty if your own dreams have to be deferred.

In Spanish, there's a saying for those wishing to get married but don't have a nest of their own yet: "El casado casa quiere." In other words, married people need their own house. Grandpa's stubbornness is designed to let you know you're just a guest -- or some sort of interloper who doesn't want to hit the road. Your fiance seems to be stuck in a symbiotic relationship with him. But Instead of riding into the sunset with the woman of his dreams it's a lot easier to bring her in, expect her to help with the caregiving because "you're as good as married," and put up with all kinds of BS until he's ready to prioritize.

It takes two to tango baby, and Love isn't the only reason you got engaged. You want to build a life together, have children, share warm and fuzzy feelings with a best friend and makes you do silly things.

He's a good man, but you can't go on living like that forever. I'd take him out to dinner and talk about how you both feel about this situation and what you can do together to improve it. ... Sometimes men need a little encouragement from a woman who's not afraid of take charge. If he respects your opinion, he'll listen. If he feels like you're nagging, don't be surprised if he wants to take a break from the relationship. ... Be gentle with him.

-- Ed
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

When it comes to relationships, there is one rule that does not change: what bugs you a little now, will bug you a lot more as time goes on. So evaluate what bugs now and multiply it by 10. If you think you can handle it - marry the guy. If not take a nice loooong break and see if distance can help you iron out some of these issues. I guarantee you that if the fiance does not put your first now, he never will.
I am a little confused by the "sponsor" thing. I am wondering if there isn't a secondary consideration here. Did he think that, in addition to a fiance, he was getting help with gramps? Were you thinking that, in addition to a wonderful guy, you were getting an opportunity to work here in your field? So much going on here. I think you are both a little disappointed that things aren't quite going as planned.
Regardless, your fiance cannot be held to a promise made years ago when he did not know how much gramps woud be demanding of him. I can tell you sitting around in his own filth and doing nothing to help himself is creating an unreasonable demand on your boyfriend.
There are MANY ways to help someone. Putting your life on hold, and being a slave to a slob is not one of them.
Gather some information about assisted living and nursing homes. Sit down with your fiance and go over all the options. You sound both knowledgable and compassionate. Also, being in social work will help. Come up with a time line for changes and stick to it. This will help his grandfather get used to the idea of change.
If your fiance refuses, you have bigger problems that the grungy grandpa.
Good luck...this is one of the most complex scenarios I have seen in the forum.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

am I wrong to offer up the Reader's digest version?
Probably, but here it is anyway....

omg! run!!!

lovbob
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I guess I am in the minority here on answers. I believe you have hell of a fiance there and I would do whatever it takes to keep him. Let him make ALL of the decisions and support him. If he wants to let his grandfather drink pepsi and eat frozen dinners, thats fine, after all, is is 84 shouldnt he do what he wants by now. Dementia is certainly in this picture and it wil only get worse. He wont live forever, and how can you ask him to move him out? The poor guy has problems breathing and might be nasty but he isnt himself. I think if you yourself were to ever get ill, or in a severe accident, your fiance (husband) would do the same for you. I would hold on to that guy, no matter what. I have a wonderful husband that supports me in my Mom (same circumstances almost) who lives with us. He is so proud of me, and so are my adult children. If I chose to place her, its up to me, not my husband and he is with me regardless. Think about how badly you want this marraige. Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

wow is right. this sounds to me like a real mess, and yet, I can identify so much with all of it. When I married, my hubby's Dad was alive. Broken home, mom ran out on my hubby when he was six months old, so Dad raised him with the help of Dad's mom. Now that Dad was living alone, we had a true hoarder situation, with used tired stacked in the living room. Dad used to stack his cigs in the ashtray like some kind of sculpture, and not ever empty them, merely getting a new ashtray when the cigs were falling out of the old. It was a fire hazard, and a mouse ridden house. I never lived there.

However, my hubby had the same habits. When I moved in with him, there were three motorcycles in the dining room. lol They took them out in the spring to ride, and I promptly put a couch there and wouldn't let the bikes back in. I lived for a year without a kitchen sink, doing dishes in the bathroom when I was eight months pregnant. Hubby's dad owned the house, and we were supposed to be fixing it up so he could rent it out. Um, yeah. No sink for a year, because the man was too cheap to get one installed.

I had a job retraining hubby to do repairs on the house, pay bills on time, etc. Now, 26 years later, and a huge amount of fights and me standing my ground, we get along just fine. His dad died the same year our first child was born, and we used the insurance money to repair the house, including the sink. It was sad it had to come to that. I felt and still do feel, guilty for feeling relief at his death, because it freed my hubby from a very destructive relationship with his dad. (And allowed me to truly run the household, in all honesty)

You, on the other hand, have the option of dealing with things very differently than I did. You have the benefit of logical thinking. I was just a kid who wanted to be with my man, and I had the common sense of a turnip. You need to decide how you want to live. Then, when you have that clear in your head, discuss it with your man. See if he has the same idea as you do. Clean, healthy environment, or cluttered, filthy one. Period. If he wants what you want, then discuss ways to reach that goal. He may suggest gramps moving into assisted living, or he may not, but gramps is not your issue. Your man is your issue. He can choose to deal with gramps however he wants, but he has to be your partner in achieving whatever future goals you BOTH have. If the goals do not agree, you've chosen the wrong man.

I compromised with mine. The back yard is his to wreck as he pleases. It's fenced, and holds junk, an old car, and a shed with all his tools in it. The front yard and the house are my domain. The basement is my mother's, since all her stuff is stored there just in case it's needed, which is the compromise I made with her to go to the nursing home. Soon enough, I'll weed out the basement, and slowly get rid of the stuff she never asks about. Compromise is always the name of the game in a relationship, but you still have to have a few things you will not budge on. This is your life you're discussing, not some hypothetical situation. You need to state your needs to your fiancée, and let him help you take care of them. Period. Without his input, we're all talking in circles. What does he want, and how does he want to get to his goal? And then look at it again, and see where you might be willing to compromise to meet his needs. Such as caring for gramps. Do NOT enable the enabler. Sounds to me like getting away from his grandfather might be the best thing for him, just as it was for my hubby and his father. If he truly wants to be your husband, then he does need to choose to spend more time and effort on your relationship than his gramps. That doesn't mean ignore gramps, but it does mean his future with you takes precedence.

Ah, good luck on all of this. I'm pulling for you. Now, I'm off to check on the ramp we're building for my hubby. He's heading home from a two month hosp and nursing home stay on Wednesday. :D And yes, he's also my best friend in the world, in spite of all the heartaches over the years. A lot of work goes into any relationship, and I got lucky the one I chose was a decent, caring, loving type in spite of everything.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

To make a long story short. RUN ! Don't walk....out of this situation.
I certainly don't understand anyone living this way for 10 years and I certainly don't understand a woman that just graduated from college thinking so little of herself or desperate for a mans affection to even consider getting involved in this mess. It will only get worse when there is conflict over the situation.,
I realize this sounds harsh but I call them as I see them.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

stl - welcome to the site. It's quite a world of insight, experience & opinion.

For me, Naheaton is spot-on with the assesment.

This has the making for a reality show and it isn't pretty. You're what, 24, 25? Educated with a job, making & saving money, correct? These should be your years for adventure, exploration and doing things for yourself before you settle down and start a family or start a business or get heavy into work. If you marry him, remember this is a legal contract. Whatever expenses he does involves you and your money. If grandpa goes into a home, and your then husband signs him in you could find yourself paying for grandpa's care.

As a cynic, something about this doesn't pass the smell test. You met on the internet? If you can get into his laptop and dig down to see if he approached other women on becoming his wife/partner/caregiver. What are his finances like, does he have other legal commitments, like education loans, that if you could have to contribute to pay off.

There's probably good reason's why grandpa's other family doesn't want anything to do with him. Talk with them to get their perspective - especially those that married into this family.

Please keep in mind, that the problems for the elderly, like dementia, do NOT get better. There are med's that can keep their cognitive ability that they are at today from slipping as far but nothing reverses the aging process. Grandpa could live another 10 years maybe more. If he already was a hoarder & a miser, that is who he is and it will only become more intense.If your finance's plan is that you are all about becoming the co-caregiver for gramp's, is that what you want for the next decade for yourself?

As others have said, WAIT! and ask ?'s and if needed snoop around. But as I said, I am a cynic. Good luck and keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

stl, what does you family back home think of all this? What do the friends you've made in the US think of your situation? Are you comfortable inviting them into your "home"?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter