I recently got engaged to a man who has lives with and has cared for his grandfather for the past 10 years. Is it wrong of me to suggest putting him in a nursing home so my fiancée and I can focus on our marriage and buying a house?

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I am new to this site and new to caring for the elderly all together. I feel lost and I need help from anyone who can spare it. I recently got engaged to a man I met on the internet 2 years ago. Although I knew he cared for his grandfather when I met him, I didn't know the details.
His grandfather is an 84 year old widow. I would hate to call him stubborn, but it is one of the best words to describe him. If I was having a bad day I would go as far to say he is lazy, care less and selfish! But I love the old man. My fiancee has been living with, and caring for his grandfather the past 10 years! They are from a broken family so I feel his grandfather relies on him more than usual for that reason alone. My troubles come into play as I am recently graduated college and now have plans to marry and buy a house with my fiancee. But I need to know if I should suggest putting his grandfather into a nursing home. I don't want to come off as the selfish and care less one, or make my fiancee feel like he has to choose between us, but ultimately, I feel he should focus his energy on our relationship and his own interests rather then worrying about his grandpa.
My fiance pays the bills, and then the two of us share the housework, grocery shopping and any and all repairs in his grandpa's home. His grandfathers home is falling apart because he refuses to spend any money for repairs. There is no working shower, running water in the kitchen or working washer or dryer. Luckily there is heat and air conditioning because my fiancee was once a heating and cooling installer and did it himself. Aside from the poor conditions of the home, his grandfather is a real piece of work. He is constantly making a mess; not in one room, but all rooms. Dirty dishes, empty food wrappers, food and drinks spilled and smeared all over the place. Newspapers piled up on tables and furniture. Yarn and tape that he uses for god knows what!
My fiancee also believes his grandfather has stolen personal belongings from him in the past. There is a collection of garbage, stolen junk and cardboard in his room.
His grandfather has poor vision and hearing. He is unable to walk for long periods of time without shortness of breath and pain in his legs and feet due to the fact he spends the entire day just sitting in his chair watching t.v while refusing to see a doctor even when we make the appointments for him. He doesn't even have a family doctor nor will he even hear about us finding him a new one. He believes alka seltzer is the cure for anything. This results in us getting sick from his constant spread of germs as he doesn't practice good hygiene. In fact, he doesn't even use soap. He merely soaks his hands in water whenever he uses the washroom.
Late last year, we had to rush him to the hospital as he had a hernia for so long it became tangled with his intestines. He fought with us about bringing him to the emergency room and refused to allow the hospital staff to come into his home to check on him and help him get back on his feet. He was out of commission for awhile and relied on diapers that we bought and found hidden in his closet. He would make home made diapers out of plastic bags and rags he would find to save money. He refuses to spend a dime on essentials. Tooth brushes, tooth paste, deoderant etc.

Another thing is, he is constantly making up stories about his past, things he sees on t.v and loves to gossip about his family including my fiancee who is his caregiver!!!
Although he is able to remember appointments like the time and day to be ready for grocery shopping, names of his family members, names of television shows and the days and times they run on, I feel if he lived alone his neighbors would complain of an unkept home, loud tv, and mice (from the constant garbage pile up and food being dropped on the floor and such). He cannot make popcorn without burning it, yet he still attempts to cook biscuits and such in his oven. His diet only consists of t.v dinners and pepsi. Again he is 84 and isn't on any medication or diet. I also think he would be in trouble for not paying his bills as I already stated, my fiance has been paying all the bills for the last 10 years. Of, course, we would still take him grocery shopping anc maintain his yard, but we would no longer be doing his housework or helping him care for his dog.
I guess my big fear is my fiancee and I getting in trouble as some people may see his current lifestyle being a result of neglect. The social worker from the hospital questioned his home made diapers and the untidy home that the paramedics reported to be "gross". We try our hardest to clean EVERYDAY. To put food in the house that can be cooked, and he refuses to eat with us. He will not see a doctor and we are told we cannot force him even when it affects our health. I am also worried my fiancee will feel to guilty to move out and start his own life with me and let his grandpa finish his life the way he chooses..

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I agree with jeannegibbs,I didn't see anything wrong in her, or anyone elses comments. Everyone has been more than gracious helping out I think.
I understand its a bad situation, but I also feel bad for the grandfather. Oh I so don't want to get old ! No matter how much work, I have my Mom with me forever, and thank God my husband understands. We make he best of it, it could be us, or a child, regardless we take them in and love them.
best of luck to you.
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Whoa, stl. Please review the answers in a calmer frame of mind. I don't see anyone taunting or ridiculing you. If you are an aspiring writer I think you have used a very creative way to do some research. As far as I'm concerned, no harm done. I have not expressed outrage or offense. All of my answers to you have been entirely sincere. I think that is what you are getting from other posters -- sincere responses to the situation you describe. It is very easy for people to misrepresent themselves on the Internet, as you very well know, and if a few of us have a degree of skepticism that does not constitute taunting or ridicule.

Your story has been taken seriously and you've gotten a lot of different perspectives and advice. Be happy.
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That was a great start, stl. I was married to a man with thousands of empty promises and after 30yrs I finally gave up on him. Don't let that happen to you. Set a reasonable time limit for all these things to happen and stick to it.
My best to you.
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And the saga goes on and on and on. There are no guarantees in life.
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My dad was over 40 (and my mom, too) when both my brother and I were born and my husband was over 40 when our child was born. None of us have Trisomy 21 (Down's). As an older parent, I know a lot of dads who are older than 40 and none of the children have Trisomy 21. Yes, there is an increase in Down's, but not enough to worry about it that much. Even with more of us moms waiting until we are in our late 30's and 40's, the chances are still not as great. Many women used to have the last children their 40's and it was not all that common for a child to be born with Trisomy 21.
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His children and grandchildren are all very nasty from what I hear.The only relatives still active in his life are my fiancee and his sister. We are not moving out because of his behaviour. We are moving out because we want to be married and have kids. We can't do that living in the grandfather's home. And he doesn't HAVE to go to a nursing home. I posted the story so I could find out from others if a nursing home setting might be necessary for the grandfather. If he chooses to live alone, I want to know he will be safe. That is all. :) I hope we will be able to get an evaluation on him soon to find out what is going on.
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How do you think grandpa would respond if he was told that he may have to live in a nursing home (or the like) if he doesn't change some things. Or maybe you and his grandson will move if he doesn't change his behavior? He may be very depressed at the loss of his wife or maybe you should ask the children why they want nothing to do with thier father? Seems strange that you soon to be husband does not know the answer to this. Maybe dementia is setting in?
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Well, I am sorry that so many people find a very serious situation to be of great soap opera like entertainment. But the reality is, not only family members and spouses have the responsibility of caring for a loved one. And I think that it is pretty sad when somebody comes to a message board full of caregivers to vent and seek advice at the same time and has to deal with taunts and criticism. I am 22, give me a break! I am not born knowing how to deal with such a situation. I read each and every comment and with each one, I gained some perspective and saw really good advice. I am pretty wise on my own and could tell I was going to deal with some backlash but to be mocked? That is pretty low. My story is authentic and I have seen other people here with quite similar stories. And it wasn't about how much knowledge I took in, it was what people were relaying to me about being more understanding and thinking about MY future and stepping off my finacee in the meantime. I don't think that gives way for anyone to try and discredit my character. Why would I waste time making up such stories? Is it so hard to believe two people could meet and fall in love and one forgets to mention his grandfather is a little more odd than most? But if being a great story teller or soap opera is what is going to get me some advice then so be it. I am probably the youngest person here and as I said, I have not opened up to these problems with my family or friends so I have nobody else to really turn to. Guess that offends some people here....
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lol ! I think jeannegibbs hit the nail on the head. This story sure sounds like a soap opera to me. You have to be very level headed to have gleaned all that wisdom from this web site. Are you for real??? You seem to have all the right answers now. Good Luck and God Bless.....Give the dog a hug for me.
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As of right now, they only thing we could do for the dog is to get rid of it. Send him off to a good home. Unfortunately, he is not our dog, he is the grandfather's and he would never agree so my fiancee and I try to get it out of the house and into the fresh air and also to the vet's as much as possible. The dog is actually healthy despite his living conditions and the vet sees no physical or behavioural problems with the dog whatsoever. He did warn us that animal neglect was a problem and we should look into an alternative to the grandfather keeping his dog locked up all day. One thing at a time. This is a really messed up situation. As I said, my fiancee stepped out of love, and had no idea what he was getting into or how to handle it. It's hard to change 10 years in just a week. That's why I came to this site to seek advice from those in similar situations. The story is 100% real although it probably would make for a good book.
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