Ronica Asked December 2010

Am I a bad caregiver if I do not want my mother to live with me?

Follow
Share
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
20

Answers

Show:
Sameboat Dec 2013
OnlyKid, have you told your father physicians about his change in personality?
If he was " the best dad " growing up, there may be a reason he has become abusive recently. Maybe he has pain, depression or his medications are making him mentally unstable. Maybe he just hates getting old !
Do what you feel you must but , as my mother's wise doctor once said " it will not get better ". We, in the US, extend living way beyond comfort and reason. Just understand that it is NOT your fault . Good luck and stay well.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

vstefans Nov 2013
casp, one of the reasons we feel great guilt about using facility care is because people do think of nursing homes as a place to put people and forget about them, or as one person on here once noted her mom said, "Nursing homes are for people whose families don't love them." That is not always the case, of course; there are times when it is just not possible to provide care at home, and it is very possible to stay involved and concerned and provide as many good experiences as possible in an assistve living or skilled nursing home. It is not always a selfish decision, sometimes it is the only reasonable one...what does someone do if their elder parent becomes abusive to their grandchildren, for example?

Your question about whether you can do what you believe is best for your mom, and still be a mom and a wife, is a good one, and a lot depends on your relationship and a lot depends on Mom's actual psychological and medical condition. She is awfully young to have dementia, and I hope there is a plan to have a very thorough medical evaluation about all the possible reversible causes before settling on that diagnosis. I'm told that healthcare.gov has worked for some people to get insured and at age 55 I think SSI or SSDI is possible, but as she gets her evaluation, ask to have some time with a social worker to help with those options and make sure you have the paperwork in order.

Sadly, what I have learned from reading a lot of posts here is that some people in nursing homes are left alone by their families, not because everyone in the family is selfish, hateful, and/or lazy, but because the person had driven everyone away or were estranged for many years and now are neither able nor ready to even try to reconcile...Even some who had wonderful relationships may see severe personality changes that tend to demolish that relationship...paranoia and blaming can set in, and sometimes the caring family member is actually told to go away. This is hard, and I hope you do get to keep Mom at home, and I wish you all were not having to go through this!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

casp74 Nov 2013
I am considering moving my mother in with my husband and I. I just feel nursing homes are a place to put people to forget about them. I worked in one for years and most of the residents are lonely and forgotten by their families. It is a sad end for them, especially when they were once considered the "rock" or "stability" of the family. I feel that it is the kids responsibility to take care of their parents and not put them into a nursing home. I feel that it is a selfish decision...on that note...I mean no disrespect to any of you at all. I am just trying to figure out what to do in my situation. My mother is 55, and is being tested for dementia (which I know for sure she has, she is severe in all the warning signs). She is married to my father (who is a severe asthmatic) and he is finding it hard to care for her. She wont bathe or eat...she weighs 94 lbs right now. To top all this off, they have no health insurance...none. I feel its my obligation to intervene and help my mom get the medicine and diagnosis, and to provide for her care. Am I unrealistic to believe that I can do it? I am 39, married, two kids at home (17 and 15). I am a stay at home mom, so I have the time to help her. Am I over rationalizing? I appreciate your advice...thank you so much!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

casp74 Nov 2013
I am considering moving my mother in with my husband and I. I just feel nursing homes are a place to put people to forget about them. I worked in one for years and most of the residents are lonely and forgotten by their families. It is a sad end for them, especially when they were once considered the "rock" or "stability" of the family. I feel that it is the kids responsibility to take care of their parents and not put them into a nursing home. I feel that it is a selfish decision...on that note...I mean no disrespect to any of you at all. I am just trying to figure out what to do in my situation. My mother is 55, and is being tested for dementia (which I know for sure she has, she is severe in all the warning signs). She is married to my father (who is a severe asthmatic) and he is finding it hard to care for her. She wont bathe or eat...she weighs 94 lbs right now. To top all this off, they have no health insurance...none. I feel its my obligation to intervene and help my mom get the medicine and diagnosis, and to provide for her care. Am I unrealistic to believe that I can do it? I am 39, married, two kids at home (17 and 15). I am a stay at home mom, so I have the time to help her. Am I over rationalizing? I appreciate your advice...thank you so much!!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

kdtiller Dec 2010
No, and children of sick parents are good at feeling guilty about not letting a parent move in with you. You need to do what is best for you and your family and what is best and safest for your mother. My mother is currently fighting me tooth and nail and swears all I want is her in a nursing home. She has 24 hour care at home for now and has a good caregiver. Physically she seems to be going south. Hang in there! Besides, my mother is a chronic smoker and WILL NOT QUIT FOR ANY REASON and myself and my two children have asthma.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Ronica Dec 2010
yes, yes and more yes, I am constantly asked to do things, but when I do, I'm told that's not the way "I" would do it, well then if you CAN do it, well then just do it!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

ACinorev--your description is uncanny! Exactly my experience, too. Spot-on in your description! "Served up a plate of guilt"--hummm, must be delicious!

When I make the effort to visit--she's unhappy I am "around in the morning--I like to wake up slowly" and then in the evening, "you're no fun in the evening". Huh? Again, this woman is 90. I take her to the expensive restaurants, the clubs, the piano bars, give her the most expensive wine I can find (which, by the way, is NEVER good enough) , and I am a damn good cook, so I create interesting meals--all for naught. Do you find that nothing you do is OK--much less good enough?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Ronica Dec 2010
I like what's being said about the "self imposed isolation", I always ask, so who have you spoken to recently, the answer is well no one really, I guess they're busy, when I suggest that mom call and stay in touch with her friends, I get the sad look; remember everyone there is nothing wrong with her faculties...I'm sure that when her friends do call her they are just served up a plate of guilt also...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

OnlyKid:
Yikes what is it about the need to isolate? My 90-year-old La Grande Dame moved to an isolated expensive area and then has disconnected the "Life Alert" system because she didn't like the noise. I keep calling and she always wonders why I've called and bothered her. Then she wonders why no one else visits or calls or can even find her easily. She's in no way demented--she has all her faculties--but so cranky and just plain mean and condesending and no matter what is suggested, it is shot down. I'm just disheartened and tired. Love your phrase---"you are not alone"--that is more comforting than you know.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Ronica Dec 2010
Thank you all for being so understanding, this has been such a difficult time for me and it's nice to know that I'm not alone. As each day passes, I feel less and less guilt, although it got heaped on me again last night (some things will never change!) and I can now accept it. My super supportive husband says "be like a duck", just let it all go. I wish only the best for your all - my new friends.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Related
Articles

Related
Questions