My mother is one of the most miserable humans on Earth, and has been for years. Whenever anyone has asked her "How are you doing?", for as far back in my memory as I can reach, I can never remember her saying "I'm fine". Now she's smoked herself to death. She has COPD, CHF, steroid-induced diabetes, a colostomy, osteoporosis, bone spurs in her neck, neuropathy in her limbs, brittle skin that tears at the drop of a hat...the list seems endless. She refuses to get out of bed to try to exercise to keep up any strength, and wants me to do more and more and more for her.
She's in the hospital right now because of a fall last week. She says her knees gave out.
I don't think it's so horrible that I just want this woman to finally have some peace, and yes, honestly, for the rest of us around her to have some as well. The discord and disharmony this narcissist spreads with her always ALWAYS negative attitude takes a toll. She will never change, and her health will only continue to go downhill.
I realize that I don't get to make the decision of when she goes, but I will admit that I do want her to. I think it's the only way she'll finally be "fine".
I once asked myself that same question. My uncle, who I had a really good relationship with ended up in the hospital with so much pain. He had to stay there for multiple months before he sadly passed away. He was in so much pain every day, so I asked myself the question if I needed to hope he died so all of it could end for him. But I loved him to much to start hoping for it. Had a rally hard time after he died, but luckily I had an amazing organisation https://bakx-uitvaartzorg.nl/ who helped me with te best funeral I could've asked for. So after a few months I could move on knowing he had a beautiful 'goodbye'
We just want to do what we really have no power to, make the pain stop, make the illness stop and see the person return to some type of health. I know I had a dream the other night that Mark had both of his legs and was walking. He had a leg amputated, so he'll never have his natural legs, but that is my mind trying to tell me what I really want is for there to be the normal I used to know versus the reality.
I have already grieved for my parents too. Very sad that my dad is completely out of it as he has dementia and his yoyo wife keeps getting him treated for every little thing; he would be better off if she would let him pass on.
Very sad, too, that my mom has become so mentally ill that she has been nothing but hateful and abusive to me for the past 7 - 10 years. And makes up all sorts of things and has turned most of my cousins against me. She also gets every little thing treated even though she told me last year that she wasn't enjoying life.
I long for them to be gone. People live way too long these days.
The funeral service can be much the same for burial and cremation. For burial it’s normally in a church, with all the fixed religious rhetoric, plus the mental stuff for people who don’t go along with the religious assumptions (like rising from the dead and meeting mom and dad). Then for burial, you all move to stand around a hole in the ground, everyone gets emotional, then you listen to the clods of earth plonking on the coffin, and wonder how long the coffin will keep the rot and worms out. It wrings every last misery out of the experience.
For cremation, the coffin sinks down on a lift, collecting the ashes takes place later without ceremony, and the family decides what to do with them, when. I’ve never favored keeping them on the mantelpiece, I prefer scattering in the sea or a river, but there are lots of options. You choose who will be present, invitations are rarely provided to 70 year-old ex-spouses who turn up dressed like teenagers, and you play it however you want.
Let’s hear it for cremation!
“My Mother is so inconsiderate of everyone. She has always been a very caring, warm person. In the past 2 years I don't even recognize her. She says hurtful things, argumentative, and demanding. I feel sad that after having a wonderful , warm relationship all our lives, now I don't even want to spend time with her, but I do.”
My mom just died 6 days ago, and the above is exactly how I felt. I did want her suffering to end, her feeling of not being able to breathe and the fear that went with it. Also, the extreme difficulty of toileting and the anxiety and embarrassment it caused her. Also, aches and pains and the start of a pressure sore.
But if I’m honest, “I” wanted my life back. My husband, my children, my aging/sick dog, my health, my house and my job all were on the back burner. Every waking hour, even when I wasn’t there, was consumed with her. I would even wake up in the night thinking I was there, with a frantic thought like ”did I turn her oxygen back down!”
It would have been ok in the shorter term, but after the 6 month mark came and went it was too much. This being after about 4 years of caring for her from 10 miles away, as she got worse and worse. Someone on here also asked, was it right to save someone’s life? We did that a couple times, too. Only to become her bedside nurse, as she was bed bound the last 6+ months.
If she had lived another month she would have ended up in a care facility. She would have fought it, hated it and been furious at me. So if I’m brutally honest, yes, I did want her to die, which is hard to admit.
Tomorrow is her funeral, and my pastor will give a lovely eulogy and pay tribute to the loving, caring person she once was. It won’t be mentioned that she installed the buttons to press to invoke the FOG. Everyone will tell me what a wonderful daughter I am. I’m dreading it like the plague. I’m just going to steel myself and say thank you and think of all you supportive people who truly understand these complex emotions. I appreciate you all very much.
This is so heartfelt. You have spoken for so many of us. My sincere condolences for your loss. No regrets!! ❤️❤️
A YEAR.
And I felt no guilt nor anything like unto it. She was miserable and making everyone around her miserable. Now she's gone and slowly--so slowly, I see my DH coming out of HIS year long depressive funk---b/c he was roped (though FOG) to help care for this woman.
She's out of that sick body and her mind is at rest. Now for the people she damaged in life to find some similar kind of peace.
She finally ended up in a nursing home, which she hated and loved. Hated not being able to smoke and loved that she could just lie in bed and do nothing. She went from using a wheelchair to being bedbound. When we visited, and we live 4 hours away, she paid more attention to the TV than she did to us. I eventually said no more. I made my peace with her and told her I loved her at what ended up being our last visit. I was ready for her to pass and hoped it would be peaceful, painless, and soon.
When she died, I felt nothing at first, and then it was pure relief with some happiness for her because she was back with Dad. She and I had never had a great relationship, so I was glad to be free. I hadn't quite divorced her, but at the end of her life we weren't talking.
Not all mother-daughter relationships are good or even tolerable. And that's OK, even though folks do their best to make us feel bad for not having that apple-pie relationship.
She knew that Parkinson’s disease was progressive, without a cure? Who could blame her for feeling as she did. I certainly didn’t blame her for wanting to leave this earth. It broke my heart to see her suffering.
I wanted her to be free from the emotional and physical pain of Parkinson’s disease. I was relieved when she died because I knew that she was finally at peace.
I now started praying to God to take me. I really can no longer handle the stress. It would be a blessing to not have to think about this situation anymore.
I’m so sorry that you’re so stressed. I do understand how you feel though. I had those same thoughts when I was a caregiver for my mom.
It’s way more stressful than many people realize. Unless you have walked in these shoes, people truly don’t understand how tough it is.
Sending a bazillion hugs your way today!
I couldn’t agree with you more…..
I also have a toxic, negative parent/s and I think at least there will be peace and relief for them after death.
I can feel your pain of dealing with your narcissistic mother. Sadly, the narcissist pushes everyone away and the children who still continue to help her during her illness get the brunt of her narcissistic behavior.
Your mother’s NPD will never change, so it’s time for you to put her in a SNF before you end up getting sick yourself. Save yourself and your sanity and do what’s right for your health.
DH and I think I did this . Last June we went to visit my FIL in AL and I saw that he was in CHF . I got the nurse and FIL went to the hospital . He was so bad they recommended hospice but FIL “ got better “ while he thought about it and went to rehab instead . Now he’s having very bad neck and upper back pain . It started with his neck and it’s gotten worse . He hasn’t had an x ray yet but I would bet it’s compression fractures . He has bad osteoporosis and looks like a question mark when standing up . He would not be a candidate for surgery . He’s been declining and I fear it will now be a slow very painful decline .
The determination to be independant.
But also lack of insight increasing risk of harm.
A serious fall will put an end to solo outings.
I am trying to ignore my worry.
It will be as it will be. Maybe a small injury or maybe a fatal headstrike on the concrete.
He has had multiple falls with ,so far, fairly minor injuries (cuts, bruises, abrasions and most recently a bruised spleen). I have begged, yelled, reasoned, all to no avail.
if you figure out how to get them to listen, please let me know!!