I avoid my grandma even though she is screaming in pain and needing help all the time. I'm tired. Should I be "working harder?"

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My grandma has a bone in her back that is painful, also diaper sores. Her head and neck are never comfortable on the pillow, she has scoliosis or something. She's NEVER comfortable when she's awake, and right now she is bed-ridden. She's always shouting from the room "help me, help me," sometimes it reminds me of someone screaming from the depths of hell. I go in to help but I cannot get myself to be with her 24/7. I need to get away and do my own thing. When I am with her, I'll do things and then start to leave, and she says "Wait! Do this" or asks a question that I already answered. She's also a very diva-like person and doesn't understand people when they say they're tired. She says "I know, but please help me." I can't make the pain in her back go away, we have no medication. Also she wants to be changed all the time, and I can't do that, I'm sorry I won't do it. Am I wrong to not want to change her all the time (more than 1 time an hour)? I dislike caretaking when I'm not appreciated for what I am doing either. She just expects I will do this, but is not nice to me in return. She doesn't let me take a break. What is going on here, and what should I do?

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bilmo2012, a care home can be a really terrible place. Suffering at home can be truly terrible. From this person's other posts, some of us concluded that Mother is keeping Grandma at home for financial reasons, to protect her inheritence (you know about people who are motivated by financial considerations, right?) and is exploiting her daughter to make this possible. Under the circumstances it seemed best to some of us for Grandma to be placed in a good care center (and, in spite of your experiences, there are such places and their numbers are growing) where at least someone would try to manage her pain.

Sometimes we have to choose the lesser of the evils available to us.

Expecting OP to search for solutions for Grandma "to the ends of the earth" is a guilt burden she doesn't need. She has severe problems of her own that she is fighting bravely to overcome. This is Mother's responsibility, and Mother isn't on here posting.

In any case, I haven't seen anything by OP in a while. Maybe things have settled down with some in-home care. We can hope so.
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There, but for the grace of God, go all of us. Neesa, you are not in a position to take care of your Grandma. She needs to be removed from the home, and placed in a facility that will take care of her. I'm not fond of Nursing Homes either, but there comes a time when.....
There is a great big sign in the Health Room over a famous school. It reads, " WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?"
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I read this thread the other night but didnt have time to write but you all asked the ???s I was wondering Where is her PAIN MEDS. That just might help. Please bookwormneesa take care of yourself honey and keep us updated on your grandmother. also as advice you were given go check on your grandma.
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Unless something is done to protect your grandmother and provide her with proper care, Adult Protective Services may become involved. Charges could be filed for neglect and abuse. The assets of this woman cannot be utilized except for her benefit. To "save" them for one's future use is WRONG!. This is a very difficult situation and as a medical social worker, it is obvious to me that the care of this Patient is beyond what you and your mother are able to deal with. No one should be left in a situation with bedsores and pain while other people "save" her assets for themselves. This is horrible and could involve legal ramifications that none of you are considering. When the sores become so bad that she has to be hospitalized, a report of criminal neglect can be filed. PLEASE place this poor woman in a nursinfg home or hospital where she can get the help she needs. I am appalled that this situation is going on and this poor woman is in pain and getting no relief from her suffering. No amount of money or greed is an excuse. In any case, you should not be forced into a situation you cannot handle ewmotionally or physically. Call adult protective services!
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OK, BookwormNeesa, this woman is in need of strong pain medication.....asap. Call her physician. Can you find one that makes house calls? Morphine Pump requires a prescription. Another pain med will suffice for now.
Neesa, you are not equipped to handle this patient, so your mother should take charge and do what is necessary to keep this patient from screaming and being in need of basic hygiene tools.
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Bookworm - Just one question. You say your grandmother is screaming from pain and you don't have any medication for her? Why is this? She most definitely requires pain relievers - please take care of her pain at least with medication. This is a bad situation; but don't let her suffer when something as simple as a pill would help her. Your grandmother needs to be in a nursing home as she is not getting the care she needs. I don't mean to be harsh, but if I were you; I would call Protective Services in your town and have them come out and evaluate. Your mother does not have to know you called. It could be anonymous. No one, elderly or not should be screaming in pain with nothing to help it. Protective Services will evaluate and let your mother know what needs to be done.
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Zoey, just some background from other posts. Neesa's mother (Grandma"s daughter) is also a part of this picture. In my mind, that is where the responsibility lies for seeing that Grandma has care, not with her young granddaughter who has her own mental health issues to manage. In suggesting that Neesa remove herself from the situation if she can't convince her mother to use a nursing home, I'm not anticipatng abandonment. Mother will have to figure out what to do.

But you are right. If Neesa sees that her Mother isn't stepping up to the plate and seeing that Grandma is well taken care of, Neesa should act on her behalf, perhaps calling the Adult Protection folks. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. That is no indication that Mother does not love Grandma.
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I'm glad to hear you have someone who will be caring for your Grandma. Do you live far from your Mom & Grandma. I'm sure she would still like you to visit her even though you won't have to be coming to take care of her anymore. Now that you will just be coming to visit it shouldn't be so stressful for you. Now maybe you will enjoy her company. How old are you?. You were probably just to young to have that responsibility. Now you'll have time to do things young girls should be out doing!!!! You'll see that you can have fun & still care about your Grandma. She'll see that your happier too. Good luck to you honey!! Be good out there,but still have fun. You deserve to have fun with your friends. It's hard to take on grown-up duties when your still young & should be doing all the stuff the other girls & boys are doing.... Don't forget to visit. You'll put a big smile on her face!!! you just wait & see!!!!!! Take care
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Zoey, don't worry. My mom is taking care of her, and she is working very quickly now on hiring someone through an agency. We are not waiting for Medicaid anymore. We will have someone starting tomorrow; Mom stayed home from work today to take care of Grandma.
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Do, by all means take care of yourself, but PLEASE take care of Grandma. She needs your help. If you can't do it, please get someone who can. Don't just up & leave her. If something were to happen to her it would be a tragedy. She doesn't deserve to be just left unattended for.She is helpless. CALL ANYONE who can help if you can't!!!!!!! Take care & good luck to your family.
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