LostInCA Asked September 2012

It’s been 7 months since my mom passed away and now my dad (89) wants to marry a lady (70) who is after his $$, what can I do?

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I'm not sure what to do but my 89yr old dad (who is still mobile - even drives) has decided to marry a 70yr old lady after dating her for 2 months. She goes to the same church as my Dad so we do know her a bit. She isn't well off and has been looking for a husband for the past 5 years. The week after my mom passed away, this lady began throwing herself at my dad. Even to the point where my dad ended up talking to one of his neighbors about it as he didn't know what to do. She has an aggressive personality, is outspoken, and very opinionated.

2 months ago, my dad finally gave in to her and told her that all he was after was was the companionship and had no intentions of getting married. Since then they started living together and now she is telling him to marry her or she is moving out. Currently I think she is putting extra pressure on my dad to get married as quickly as possible as she knows my family is moving back to where he lives in Jan and is concerned that we may complicate her plans.

My dad has talked to the attorney about a pre-nup but nothing has been created or signed. But even with a pre-nup she can still get to his funds by telling him to pull money out of his account. Most recently he told me that he was pulling money out of one of his accounts to pay off her house. Who knows what she's going to get next.

Yesterday one of my dad's next door neighbors went to dinner with my dad and his girlfriend only to get home and call me as they were in shock. They told me she was so manipulative that my dad was clearly not the same person. In fact, she told my dad's neighbor that since they made the arrangements for dinner that they should pick up the check. My dad was present during this conversation and didn't say a thing (BTW... it was my Dad who made the dinner arrangements). I think she is in the process of alienating him from his current family, friends, neighbors, or anyone who knew my Mom, even to the point of making his life miserable when he talks to them.

I just don't know what I can do to help my dad as he clearly isn't seeing what is going on. His friends and neighbors can see that she is clearly after the financial support and so can I. I've tried to tell him but he doesn't want to listen as this lady is clearly calling the shots. What can I do?

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LostInCA Sep 2012
Thank you all for your comments.

I'm not sure if he loves her or if it's just loneliness, or the need for companionship. At this momment, I'm not sure he knows or can tell the difference. When my mom was going through chemo, nursing homes, etc, my dad was at her side 10hrs a day. When the furneral director came to pick up my mom, he told my dad to go home and that he would take care of her. My dad quickly said; No thanks. I carried her over a threshold 63 years ago and I will help carry her over the next threshhold as well. He stayed right by her side until she was in the hearse. I could be wrong but I don't think this lady will treat my dad this way.

I think he's lonely, however my wife is saying it's more than that, which may be the case. I only wish I would have recognized this earlier as we could have moved in with him sooner.

I've talked about having my wife and son move in with him in Oct. But last week my dad said it wouldn't be a good idea as his new live-in girlfriend wouldn't agree to it. I asked him what's the difference between moving in with him in Oct vs Jan, and he said not much.

Other than with this women, my dad is cognitively sound. I've tried to coach him about protecting his assets (trusts, pre-nups, POA, etc), but only time will tell what he does, which is what keeps me up at night.

I think he's so affraid to lose this new toy that he is willing to do anything, even if it means alienating himself from his entire immediate family (brother, sister, son and only grandson).

Again thank you all for listening and your comments as I am not sure what else I can do.
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To LostInCA: Your father is lonely. He's allowing this woman to intrude because it's making him feel needed. Anyway for you or someone in the family to insist on moving in with your Dad? If you don't do it soon, more assets will disappear.
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Here4her Sep 2012
Oh my, I smell a rat. I don't know what to tell you but I'd kidnap him if I were you. Maybe see an. Attorney. If he were poor she would probably not be interested at all. It does sound like she is trying to alienate him. I hope you figure out something, he may be broke by January. Gold digger, for sure.
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lesasiler Sep 2012
Is he still able to understand what his choices are? Is it possible that you take over his POA? She sounds like she wants to be taken care of and he is the one she has set her mind on. I am sorry to hear this. Prayers for you.
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NancyH Sep 2012
My mom died a year ago, but 7 months into that year my dad started having lunch with a woman (a widow) from his church. My sister and I were devastated at first because it seemed like he was forgetting our mom. Dad said that after 63 years of talking to a woman, he missed the camaraderie of a female. Now my dad isn't interested in getting married, but then again he hasn't been up against a woman with the personality of a piranha like your dad is. I guess the question is, does he actually 'love' this woman, or is just lonely? All I know in the case with my dad is, IF a woman had her hooks into him and he seemed to be looking for an escape route, my brother and sister and I sure would've given him one. We would have surrounded dad like a pack of wolves protecting their own. Get your dad aside and ask him point blank if he REALLY wants to get married, or is this just HER idea. Did he get himself swept up into something that is spiraling out of control, or is he a willing participant? After 63 years of marriage, I KNOW my dad was really out of practice and had NO idea of what a woman, he'd only known for a short time was thinking. Turned out in our case, the woman that dad was having lunch with, was NOT interested in getting married ever again, but she thought that dad was because he kept asking her out to lunch after church. Boy let me tell ya, she dodged the bullet!! ha
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