Why do I wish my husband would pass away?
My husband had a massive stroke 2 1/2 yrs. ago at age 61. He never should have survived but they pulled him thru. He's paralyzed, speech is affected too. He's had one health crisis after another. Last week he had to have a kidney removed. He's been in and out of the hospital so much these last few months. He lives in a nursing home but I go to see him 2-3 times a week. When he's in the hospital I go daily. He's been telling me he wants to come home to live. I work full time and try to manage my home, laundry, mowing etc. myself. I can't afford to hire anyone. I feel like I did wrong in keeping him alive when he had he stroke. He doesn't like living this way either. I've been on anti depressants for over 2 yrs. But lately, I just can't take it any more. I feel so guilty for feeling like this. I was there every day to see him for the first year and then had to cut back. Sometimes I dread going there. I had to get him on Medicaid to help pay for the nursing home. He got SS Disability after 6 months but that goes towards his care as well as the retirement he was getting. I'm tying to survive on what I make and when I have repairs to my vehicle which was over $1100 and a emergency at home, I don't have the extra money to fix it. Twice I've had to short the payment to the nursing home because of emergencies.I had to have some limbs taken off a tree last week at home tha were cracking in the wind and going to fall on my house. That was over $700 alone. Now the nursing home is on my case for not paying them and threatening to take approprate action to collect the money. So much stress....I don't know how much more I can take. None of our friends go to visit him. Just me. Even with him in the hospital, no one has stopped by. I just want to have a life of mine own again. This last week these feelings have gotten worse.