Why does my mom feel like she is always alone when I am with her all the time?

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DigitalBanker:

Once again, your comment grates, irritates and invites response.

As with ValerieS, I do feel sorry for you, but not for the same reasons.

You label too many people as toxic, yet if you read your own rantings throughout this site, YOU come across as very toxic. Like some who profess to be christian, god-fearing believers, YOU are not charitable (and that statement has NOTHING to do with money). You criticize people without knowing much of anything about their situation and lay blame on all caregivers and those of us trying to help. You come across as a very negative person who displays little, if any, christian behavior.

Your rantings typically do NOT address the questions or concerns brought up. All too often you just rant on about your own experiences and what YOU think is right or wrong with the world and everyone. Just because YOU might have had bad experiences does NOT make everyone else like your parents or whoever else you blast for being a problem in YOUR life.

This woman's mother has dementia/alzheimers. Perhaps she is at the point where she forgets her daughter is there, or just interfaced with her. Perhaps she needs to get out more often. There are a lot of reasons WHY this woman may feel alone and I seriously doubt it has ANYTHING to do with their relationship, past or present. Assuming the poster did something to cause this is just WRONG, WRONG, WRONG on ALL levels.

When you say things like the following, you are NOT being helpful, but rather hurtful:

"I don't even blame your mom for feeling lonely around you if she never had a connection with you"
"I'm only speaking from my own past experience."

You do NOT know the circumstances of their past and current relationship or what the dementia is doing to the mother. YOU are being judgemental - take a look in the mirror, you ARE what you confess to dislike most!!! You are accusing this poster as being like your parents even though SHE is the child (perhaps looking in that mirror, maybe YOU were the one who brought out the best in your parents or others you have interfaced with!!!)

You say "It sounds to me like you and your mom really never had much of a bond, there was obviously some parent–child rivalry somewhere or you both would've been doing very well by now." YOU DO NOT KNOW THIS - projecting your own "experiences", which may just be delusional, is HURTFUL to this woman. Stop judging others... Since you love your religious comments - DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO TO YOU!!!!

You say "Just the fact that there's no connection tells me everything I need to know about your relationship because I was there with my own parents who made toxic choices which resulted in me feeling very lonely at home." Again, YOU are NOT omniscient. YOU only have your own experiences, real or not, to base your comments on and you need to keep that to yourself. Stop projecting whatever your reality is onto others!! She NEVER said there was no connection and even if she did, it does NOT mean you know everything.

Again you say "Believe me when I say this because I know this all too well so this is exactly why I know there was some kind of friction between you and your mom at some point or another and there's obviously still an unresolved sore spot somewhere." You DON'T know this. You are projecting yet again.

There are more of your blatant accusations towards this woman in your post which are baseless, but rather than quote you more, this is MY sum up of YOU and your rantings:

Perhaps some of us feel sorry for your past history. Perhaps. Wallowing in self-pity does nothing to improve you or your outlook on life. Personally I would NOT want to go through life expecting PITY from others. Get over it and move on. You are not the only one who might have had bad experiences growing up or throughout life, but you are one of those who think they know it all and expect everyone to cow to them and/or make things right. Although it is NOT actually in the bible, the saying "GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES" should be your daily mantra. Writing everyone off as the cause of all your (and everyone else's) issues and/or being money-grubbers is a very poor summary of the majority of people.

I think YOUR best bet here on this site is to butt out. If you have something CONSTRUCTIVE to suggest to someone who asks a question or brings up a concern, by all means share it. If there is nothing CONSTRUCTIVE you can offer, perhaps you can offer a shoulder to cry on, but from all your postings it does not appear that you have one of those. ASSUMING you know everything that is WRONG based on your own LIMITED experiences is NOT what this site is about. You need to do your own soul searching and STOP lambasting others when you really know NOTHING about their situation.
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Penny - depending on the level of her dementia, she may just forget that she saw you minutes ago, and/or all the interfacing you do all day long with her. Don't take it personally - it is not easy, but just understanding the basics of this horrible condition can help you. There probably is not much you can do to reassure her, because she will likely forget it in a few minutes. Since short-term memory is the first to go, it could promote that feeling.
As others have suggested, perhaps she needs to get out with others sometimes? We don't know the details about her level of dementia or her mobility. If she cannot get out, can you invite others in, for a little tea party or something?
Make the most out of your interfaces with her - you will remember them even if she does not!
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If she has dementia, she will want to have a visual on you 24/7.
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This is for Digital Banker:
From Valerie S.
I just wanna say Bless Your Heart!
My heart breaks for to u & for what all you have been through. Seriously, I cried when I read what you said.
I am praying for you. I am SO sorry for what all you have been through!
And your poor sister? Makes me sooo sad!
Just know that there ARE people who care & I wish for you from now on the most wonderful things life has to offer!
I so feel for you & ALL you have been through!
Just wanted you to know this.
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It's easy to feel lonely in a crowd when you don't feel connected to anyone. I speak from experience as someone who's always faced a life of forced rejection and having been judged by others just because either me or my situation happens to be different from most people's. This is why it's very easy to feel lonely even in a crowd because it seems like if there was never a connection between you and others around you, of course you'll feel lonely around them. 

Someone here mentioned having an extroverted personality and craving contact with others as being as vital as food and drink. I happened to be one of those kinds of people but having been rejected so much over the course of my life, I think I would rather be alone than around others who don't value me for who I am. In all honesty I did some serious thinking today. When I get the settlement from the court over my dad's estate and away from the fraudster who stole from our family, I'm not going to let others come to me when hardly anyone help me when I most needed it. The only ones I'm ever going to help were the very ones who valued me enough to help me when I was down to nothing. I may be an extrovert but I'd really rather become an introvert rather than to be where I'm not wanted only to be rejected even more. This is why I stay to myself and the tables are actually turning in my favor. I happened to be disabled and I happen to have to use a mobility scooter to get around near where I live. No one ever offered to help me with transportation as I struggled for many years with hardship even before the scooter. This is why I'm going to be even more careful who comes around me because if I'm not going to get the help when I most need it, I don't need those people later when they wouldn't even help me when I most needed it. People seem to be out and about and the need is all too obvious because it's right under their nose but they're just too dumb to figure it out that there is a need right in front of their fat faces. This is why I don't want to be around most people because most people don't care when you're down but oh do they come climbing out of the cracks when they find out you have money! In fact, two people claiming to be my relatives have already come out of the cracks sometime after I opened my dad's estate. I never met these people but as soon as I made it known what my situation was, they quit talking to me right away. The reason why I had to speak up is because they found me on an ancestry website and I wasn't that hard to find according to one person. If they didn't care enough to find me before now, I'm not sure I want nothing to do with them later. I crave contact with others but only quality people who actually care and show it. I have no room in my life for fake people and I don't blame your mom for feeling lonely if she never had a connection with you. I can honestly say that even when I was living with my abusive parents, I felt very very lonely at home because I had no connection with my own parents due to their own toxic choices. I barely survived my childhood but thank God he's now providing where my parents did not. Never again will I get caught up with the toxic people which is why I don't hang around too many people and I don't even blame your mom for feeling lonely around you if she never had a connection with you and I'm only speaking from my own past experience. It sounds to me like you and your mom really never had much of a bond, there was obviously some parent–child rivalry somewhere or you both would've been doing very well by now. Just the fact that there's no connection tells me everything I need to know about your relationship because I was there with my own parents who made toxic choices which resulted in me feeling very lonely at home. In fact that same loneliness followed me everywhere I ever had to go when I was rescued. I became a ward of the state at 13 and I felt pretty much lonely everywhere I went because I was never popular or part of that cliché. If you're not part of a cliché then your outed and rejected. Believe me, when there is any kind of conflict or rivalry among people, of course the innocent ones are always going to feel lonely. Believe me when I say this because I know this all too well so this is exactly why I know there was some kind of friction between you and your mom at some point or another and there's obviously still an unresolved sore spot somewhere. The longer it goes on result, the longer it will linger until you start noticing exactly what you mentioned, someone feeling lonely in the relationship. 

Another thing to look at is when a husband and wife feel alienated from each other. That's because there's a problem in the relationship that alienates one from the other and it could be just about anything that causes it including neglecting the other party. It could also be an unresolved conflict that still  lingers and you wonder why divorce rate is so high today. 

I think your best bet is to try and find out anything that happens to be on resolved and it may start with you doing some very serious soul-searching and you may also want to do some serious praying to God to reveal it to you. In my situation, I would've been open to my parents repairing the relationship with me by starting to admit they were wrong for abusing me and any children they had before me. This would've been a good start for them especially since I'm the only surviving child and my only bio sister was killed by them. Anything serious in the family will alienate any innocent victims and the first thing to do is to start making things right if you did something to cause alienation of other family members. I'm sure your mom had some level of problems with you  growing up, especially in the terrible teen years and even your earlier adulthood. You still have a chance with your mom. My parents no longer have a chance to repair the relationship with me because now they're both gone and I can tell you I don't think i'll be seeing either of them in heaven. Their choices alienated me and my sister and now they blew every chance they ever had to make amends. They live their life all the way to the end without ever making things right but you still have that choice and it starts with you. You have a chance my parents no longer do but you must start by looking at your own past and your own relationship with your mom. Obviously if she feels alienated for some very legitimate reason and it's now up to you to find out why but again, it starts with you. What did you do to her to make her feel this way? I'm speaking from experience because I faced the very same thing from others, rejection, neglect and isolation. Now I must ask you, what did you do to her to make her feel this way? I can't help but ask because the same thing has happened to me and I've been through this very same thing myself. You have unresolved issues, and it's up to you to find out what they are and start repairing the relationship with your mom and help her start feeling less lonely and more connected with you. Hopefully the damage is not so bad it's unrepairable. I hope whatever is wrong between you can be resolved while there's still time. When she's gone you'll no longer have that chance and you'll regret it later just like my parents did when they died without ever making it right with the children they had but abused and alienated
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How do the personnel deal with your Father on a daily basis?
Do they talk with him?
Do they take him outside?
Do they introduce him to others in the facility so he has someone other than family to just talk and remember days gone by that they may have in common?
Has he been over medicated so that the caregivers don't really have to deal with him because they have so many other patients to attend?
Have you asked to see his records so as to know what happens on a daily basis with the personnel?
Are you seeing signs of abuse i.e. bruises that weren't there before or more of them? Have you asked him if he is being abused?
If you think he is, take him outside or get permission to take him to a coffee shop and talk with him outside of the facility so he doesn't feel threatened; the night caregivers have a bad reputation about this type of abuse.
Is there a camera in his room that you can have the manager review with you if you suspect abuse?

Be proactive with all of the personnel; all the way to the top. Investigate who owns the facility and check with the medical board regarding complaints etc. Many people don't think about investigating the owners.

I friend of mine had her Mother in a facility that was supposedly one of the best. She had been called in the middle of the night and told that her Mother had fallen out of bed. She and her sister went to see their Mother the next morning and were told that everything was ok, the doctor on call had check Mom for any issues etc.

It was maybe at most a month later and their Mother passed. She received a call from the Mortuary that a police report needed to be filed. The mortician noticed bruising that would not have been visible when one was just visiting. That there was extreme damage to her skull. They had planned to cremate their Mother, but it had to be delayed as the police had to become involved. I never found out the results of the investigation.

Even if your Father has dementia/Alzheimer's, he still needs to have more interaction that just visits. My grandmother had dementia and my Uncle would take her out for a drive or to his home.

I remember, as she was living with Mom at the time, Mom brought her to visit in our home. We had 2 dogs that I had trained to do some basic tricks. 1 was a Jack Russell that could open her crate. Grandma loved watching the dogs do their tricks over and over. Mom said that when they got home, all Grandma could talk about was being at this lady's house who had dogs that could do tricks! She didn't recognize her own granddaughter.

She would go over her telephone book and talk about calling someone and Mom would have to tell her that the person was deceased. She went through this book every day, saying the same thing about calling someone and Mom would have to tell her again, that they were deceased.

I wish I could be home in AZ to help my Mom and keep my older sister away from her, but I can't. All I can do is call her as much as possible, take her anger if that's what her day is like. Or just sit and listen (if she doesn't fall asleep) to whatever she tells me, even if I have heard it a gazillion times.
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My mom was an introvert and had only one friend. By the time she moved to senior living, she hadn't had friends for years. I visit her daily but she still says she is lonely. There are people and activities galore where she lives; I think in her case the loneliness has always been a state of mind that is heightened by the disease.
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PennyThaGr8, I Love Your Site Name. With regard to Your Mom You will have to realise that Your Moms awareness is gone as alzheimer's has created a new normal for Your Mother. Alzheimers is other wise known as the silent thief since It robs the Sufferer of every thing eventually. You are doing great, and Your Mom is very Blessed to have You in Her corner. Make beautiful memories with Your beautiful Mother with Lots of Hugs too because the Journey will End much too soon.
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My father passed on Oct. 3rd. He was in a nursing home for 2 years. At first, he adjusted very well & actually seemed like he liked it. But as the nature of his lung disease advanced,
& he became weaker & his mind,started to go, he too became that way.
I have 2 siblings & myself ( I would take my mom to see him couple times a week also she's 91 & not in good health )
But someone in my family was there EVERYDAY.
Every time we would see him he would begin to cry & worry that no one ever came to see him. We would reassure him over & over that we were there everyday but he would forget.
It was VERY upsetting because he thought no one cares. It was VERY hard to see him that way. I would pray alot with him & he loved that. It would make him feel better if only in the moment.
My heart goes out to you. All you can do is just hang in there, reassure as much as you can, & know you're doing all you can do.
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Alone or lonely? People with an extroverted personality crave contact with other people, it is as necessary to them as food and drink. Is your mom able to get out among other people of her own generation, perhaps to an adult daycare or seniors centre?
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