Why do wives throw away their marriages to care for their mothers?

I would guess it to be they don't have their priorities straight, they already had a weak marriage, they didn't take their marriage vows seriously or they are still tied to mother, not necessarily in that order. Mothers shouldn't or wouldn't if they were in their right mind, expect or demand their daughters give up their lives to care for them. If there isn't room in their lives for a marriage and caring for mother, then find a place for mom and keep your marriage. This is just my humble opinion.
I almost fell into that trap, torn between my husband and my mother. My husband said no way was she coming to live with us because her and my relationship was very volatile. My mom would've loved to see me lose my husband. I have a good husband and good marriage. Mom is being cared for. Thank God, I snapped to. It's all about priorities.

I am glad that your marriage did not get thrown away. My MIL would love to see both me and my BIL leave her daughters so that she could have them all to herself. This Appalachian Bible believing fundamentalist Christian woman has no use for men unless they are slaves and has so much hatred toward her brothers that she almost made her daughters too afraid to get married.

My arm chair gut feeling is that the last in the list probably leads the pack because from what I read here, it's like it just happens and they are clueless. It is tempting to call this a 'mid life crisis' but that would not be fair.

I've heard everything from using very narrowly applied Bible verses about the elderly while leaving out the ones about marriage to the "oh he was just looking for an excuse to leave" blame the victim thinking, to the extremest view of 'oh well spouses and children come and go, but you only have one mom."

Dang, my grandmother, a very dignified Presbyterian woman with a college education and more money than she could count told my mother one day "well it's time for you to leave your husband and come home to take care of me."

.

I should issue a disclaimer to my post. I wouldn't know what it's like to have a loving mom so I have a hard time understanding being tied to your mother. Those who have a good mom should be extra thankful for her.
Mom had her chance at life, now it's my turn, my kids' turn and their kids' turn. Mom thinks the world should revolve around her so she doesn't agree. I wish I had a dollar for every time she has said "I deserve it because I'm old". You deserve Meals on Wheels, when you have money to eat, just because you're old? You deserve public assistance, when you have money in the bank and savings, own property, just because you're old? (My dad is rolling in his grave!) Excuse me, but NO, I wouldn't give up my marriage for someone like that. Her negativty chokes the life out of me.

I followed your thread with interest and a smile, no let me correct that, a smirk instead. Although I am not yet married, I understand the issue and could feel my blood boil a bit. My mom is like the women mentioned here. Ever wonder why at my age I followed her steps of becoming a single parent too. I remember I spoke to my mom of my desire to have my own family and am praying and hoping to find a good, compatible husband. At first she did not say anything but the look on her face showed that she hates the topic and eventually told me she doesnt trust any man. Her being a man-hates is sometimes a cover up of her controlling attitude towards me. I can imagine that if I get married tomorrow, she will make my life miserable by frequent calls asking for help, for companionship and for all sorts of reasons. It is requiring me a massive effort to remain a distance from her freakin' controlling style of parenting as we live under the same roof, it makes it really very very hard to avoid her anti social behavior, man hating outlook in life and her changing moods.

Your mother and my mother in law sounds like two cookies from the same mold. My MIL has some reasons or possibly perceptions for those reasons for being a man hater and I don't think it's a cover for her being a control freak.

Yes, your mother would make any marriage hell on earth and you would have to cut her off to preserve it. Yet, with your being a single mom and if I remember correctly, no job plus having to deal with her under your own roof sounds to some degree like she has already made your personal and parenting life hell on earth. Your mom sounds like she might have an undiagnosed case of borderline personality disorder plus bipolar with those mood swings. However, that does not really change anything. When you were younger, you probably did not have as much insight into your mother and yall's relationship, but now you do and what will you do?

Partly because women are expected to do everything for everyone and subjugate their own needs for others their entire lives. How often does one hear about men having to sacrifice this and that in their lives or make time for and/or juggle family and work? Women are raised to be the drudges and to feel guilty if they are not practically killing themselves to do for others. The topic is "give up your marriage for the care of a parent" (IE the mother here) and "why" Because she is expected to. Where are the tales of sons quitting their jobs, or having their wives give them ultimatums about the marriage "either your father goes or I go?" It takes three to make this impasse and it is the woman/wife who is in the middle.

Doesn't it all come down to selfishness? It's all about 'me me me'.
Isn't that the definition of a 'narcissist'? They are the world and we all revolve around them. Like the song said, 'they're a legend in their own mind'. Sad, and sadder still how many people get sucked into the orbit.

Jsomebody,

Your description sounds very much like how I was raised and how I lived until I saw the light about boundaries!

Naheaton....yep glad you brought up the Narcissist. When I finally discovered NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder last year the bells and whistles finally went off to describe the issues I had with my mother all my life. The narcissist build the life around themselves at the expense of others. My mom will just come up with little demands just so she can still just demand..it's that control they want and strive for. Control over others is what keeps them alive it seems. My mother on Sunday afternoon was 'commanding' that the tv set be set on timer....something I usually do in the evening...she just belted out a command for the sake of belting out a command. Seems the same with the woman you are mentioning. I told my mom there is no one to look after me. I have no kids no husbands - non existent family remnants...so there is really no one...does she even utter a word when I say that. Funny if I mention Nursing Home to her...she belts out real fast 'NO WAY' well time will tell if I nor the caregiver can get her up. She is just a rolly poly ball of fat in the middle, her legs have no strength anymore she refuses to walk around with the caregiver. She seems to me a big slug that eats and sh*ts and belts out commands and baby whines if she don't get her way. Otherwise she is healthy so to speak....sad sad sad...I don't want to be anything like that.

Mother's with NPD tend to raise daughters with BPD or sons with other problems as well.

Crowe,
I'm sure my mother is a undiagnosed narcisscist but if I'm BPD, I don't know what that is. Sorry, showing my ignorance.
My mother, unlike some mentioned, isn't a man hater. She's an eldest daughter hater. And when I said she'd have liked for me to lose my husband, I'm pretty sure she had designs on him herself. Weirdo!

Crowemagnum --- you wrote "However, that does not really change anything. When you were younger, you probably did not have as much insight into your mother and yall's relationship, but now you do and what will you do?"

Honestly I don't know what to do... I take it one day at a time... There's nothing much I can do, all things here very limited already, especially financial resources. That's why I can't move her out. To start, I asked my friends to check out on government-run nursing homes. My friend told me there's one but it's overcrowded, lousy dirty facility and overcrowded and far from where we live. Plus the facility will be moved farther away next year as the land that it occupies right now was sold to a shopping mall already. As to how I can get back to work, find a good man, go online dates, meet my men for dates, be able to live my life, save for my future, raise my daughter the positive way, get rid of my mom... I don't know any solution I am just so burned out already. Remember, it's been 18 years like this already. This is already too superhuman for me to endure. I am numb already and I just want to ignore her. Don't advice for medicines, milk, diapers, doctor's visits, etc. there is no fund for that. period. Whatever I can save, I save it for her sudden death as her non-caring sisters and brother will no immediately put up with the cash requirement of a sudden funeral expenses. I really want her dead. 18 years Crowe... I guess I have the right to complain and vent and be selfish now.

Crowemagnum --- you wrote "However, that does not really change anything. When you were younger, you probably did not have as much insight into your mother and yall's relationship, but now you do and what will you do?"

Honestly I don't know what to do... I take it one day at a time... There's nothing much I can do, all things here very limited already, especially financial resources. That's why I can't move her out. To start, I asked my friends to check out on government-run nursing homes. My friend told me there's one but it's overcrowded, lousy dirty facility and overcrowded and far from where we live. Plus the facility will be moved farther away next year as the land that it occupies right now was sold to a shopping mall already. As to how I can get back to work, find a good man, go online dates, meet my men for dates, be able to live my life, save for my future, raise my daughter the positive way, get rid of my mom... I don't know any solution I am just so burned out already. Remember, it's been 18 years like this already. This is already too superhuman for me to endure. I am numb already and I just want to ignore her. Don't advice for medicines, milk, diapers, doctor's visits, etc. there is no fund for that. period. Whatever I can save, I save it for her sudden death as her non-caring sisters and brother will no immediately put up with the cash requirement of a sudden funeral expenses. I really want her dead. 18 years Crowe... I guess I have the right to complain and vent and be selfish now.

I'm not good in psychological disorders.. but my mom has been known to be anti-social. After many decades of teaching elementary, high school and university students, she's the opposite now of what she was before. Many decades ago she can handle an entire class of noisy super active kids. Now she wants no kids at all. lol... Also, she's known for being a man-hater, a perfectionist of super high standards, and very reserved and quiet when I discuss with her what went wrong with her relationship with my dad. I guess until now she's heartbroken that's why she never opened up her heart again to find love or go on dates again. this is a common woman's syndrome i guess... the old maid trap. Hope it does not happen to me... LOL

Mom tried to come between hub & I numerous times. She has on occasion "caused turmoil in our home" as hub says. She has not and will not be successful in destroying our marriage as she did her own!!!!
Just today i gently tried to tell her that the reason people flee from and avoid her is because she manipulates and uses them. Something for the old girl to chew on. Of course she denied any offense or spiteful usery of anyone but countless others know better.
"The Greatest Generation" is/was not all that. They did/are doing their share of damage to society as well.
The AARP & other organizations have lobbied for laws to protect them but there are few to protect us/caregivers. How did we let this happen?????

AlwaysMyDuty,

The key word is "tend". It is not determinative for other factors play in as well.

Boundaries only work when you demand them, and if one is raised to not have them they are all that mush harder to acquire. A lot of women are made to feel guilty for saying no to anyone for anything. Not a problem for me personally. but i see lots of examples of women who have no boundaries whose families run over them like they are not there. My grandma was a profound narcissist, to outsiders she was a sweet old lady only those close by knew the level of absolute control and whiny narcissism she ran her world with. the very fact we so note women who are selfish and demanding it telling. Like it "isn't the way things should be" or it is more offensive in women.

Always....NPD is Narcissitic Personality Disorder and BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. All personality disorders but they are different. Man I did a lot of research last year!

There are lots of personality disorders and even in psychological communities there is debate of their accuracy and applicability and well Psychiatry is a soft science. Some people are just selfish hurtful pains in the ass.

Castoff....some parents don't evolve into monsters....lol. Some do. I have found the ones with personality disorders tend to turn into monsters for sure! Some others due to alz/dem it turns nice folk into heathen as well...sad it trully is a disease of the mind. They keep them alive but their brains are all mush...now how nice is that to keep them going while they make you suffer. I don't want to turn into one of these human slugs...yucko.
My mom used to be such a clean freak....getting on her hands and knees to wipe the entire kitchen floor with a washcloth. Now I am constantly telling her to sit infront of the table right so food won't get on the floor. Yuck still find food on the floor...other day I found the pudding cup I gave her on the floor she missed the trash....so it kinda melted onto the floor since I did not catch it right away.

Jsomebody...yes you are right I have read the same sentiment you have just stated.....but you have to start somewhere with diagnosis....problem is for N's they never admit they are wrong...nothing is ever wrong with them...so they rarely will seek treatment. BPD sufferer's have tendency of suicide etc and will seek some type of help.

Truly, they will accuse you of making it up get very pissed off and say it is your problem..This one of all of them has got to be legit!

Jsomebody...oh and my favorite statements from my mom is "I didn't do anything"...in regards to she is never wrong.

Grandmas was "I Just Don't Understand.." ie why anyone would do anything she doesn't approve of, it was almost funny.

For example someone spending money on something SHE (the royal she) thought was dumb, pointless, unnecessary...She would be AS angry as if the person had stole the money from her and used it to buy the damn thing!

Pirate, thanks for the info. I need to investigate this BPD to see if I have it. OMG, J, you just totally described my mother!!!!! Oh, yes, it's legit! She has always done that to me. It's such a warm fuzzy feeling to have your mom tell you it never happened and you're crazy. This thread has been a real eye-opener for me.

People do make poor decisions when the motivation is guilt. A dauhter sometimes doesn't know why they were never able to be close to Mom or please her. It's another chance to hope for the best. Maybe this time Mom will see the good in me. Don't under estimate the power of wanting to be loved and significant to a parent. It's the part of someone that just can't give up and knowing a parent is frail and the end of life is sooner than later - it's a last chance. Once a parent dies they can never resolve their issues and the thought is too painful. It's really a very complicated question and I'm sure the answer depends on their relationships with spouse and parents.

Painfully complicated. Can't please them period in some cases. Living or dead. Do your best, and the rest is out of your hands I guess.

daylilly, you described me to a T. I fought tooth and nail my whole life trying to make my mom love me. Let me tell you, it's a sad thing when a 5 yr old knows her mom doesn't like her. Fast forward, in my late 50s I was STILL trying my best to get that love. Earlier this year my mom disowned me and my kids, didn't like the care we were giving her and took up with the paid caregiver. I was shocked and deeply hurt but recently, I've accepted it and moved on. No more wasted time on that mean, heartless woman. I just chalk it up to the luck of the draw. My dad was the sweetest man I've ever known, he more than made up for my mother's inability to be human.

I know what you are going through. i can't stand to be apart from my mom and i know she doesn't like me. I have always known she prefers the son who abused me to me. she may "love" me but she doesn't really care for me. I have pictures of her hugging my brother, after I am about three, you would be hard pressed to find any of her even touching me. It is so obvious it is killlingly painful. I asked her to kiss me good night once when i was 9. She was so uncomfortable i never asked again. When i told my mother my brother sexually molested me, she said "I am glad it happened with David and not someone outside the family we don't know..."
Why do we tie ourselves to what is most hurtful to us?

We actually have care given my MIL for the last 10 years. She is now nearing the end of what has been a miserable 5 years, dince my FIL died. We do all of the org. of care and transport to drs., etc. Yet my BIL has decided he will make all medical decisions now. He just wants to "Make her Comfortable". We have tried our very best to do that, but frankly I have had it. The man I love, is so obsessed with her care, we can not leave the state to visit our grand kids. I actually pray for her to die soon. Ive stayed with him and cooked, cleaned and wiped butt but I am rapidly losing it. She has contempt for us and loves the other son who lives 210 miles away and appears once every 2 months.