Why do elderly parents sometimes abuse their adult children?

Unfortunately it seems to also come out of sheer frustration of their situation. If you are the primary caregiver who deals with them on a regular basis, then you are the one they are going to take out this behavior on. As great as they may have been growing up, they are now finding themselves having to rely on others to do things for them that they feel they should be able to do themselves... bathing, bathroom, eating... as they decline it may get worse. This is what we found with our father. Also, if they have suffered even a small stroke that may have gone overlooked and if it affected the frontal lobe at all that doesn't help. We ended up getting a Psychiatrist that my father liked to come in once a week and just chat. Good luck.

I found with my 92 yr.old mother,that the more she has to rely on me,the more difficult she becomes,I think its because she knows she isn`t able to do the things she used to do,she gets very upset,and very nasty toward me,sometimes I just want to run away,as I am the caregiver,and feel like my life is over,then I come to this site,and get good feedback,or identify with the other people,and it helps.I try to be understanding,and I know it is a hard change for mom to go through,bottom line is I will be there for her,after all she is the only mom I have.

I appreciate the feedback and things have gotten better in the last couple of days. I have showed more compassion and love and also, this is key, have relied on them for emotional support with some issues I am having. That really helped. It showed them that I still NEED them also.

kale4na

My MIL does that all the time to my wife and to my SIL. It's called "Emotional Blackmail" and Susan Forward has written a great book by that same title.

You are bringing up some of the key issues in dealing with abuse from our elder parents. They hold some cards that can trump almost anything we do. First, they have the Age card, which brings with it sympathy from us and the outside world. Second, they have the Parent card, which allows them to always see us as willful children who need to be told what to do. It also gives a feeling that we should respect them and do what they want us to do. Third, they hold the Sick card. How could we not do what a sick person wants us to do? Last, they hold the Not-their-fault card due to dementia or other ailment.

We hold one very important card, though -- the walkaway card. We don't have to stay and listen to it. I wish we didn't have to go through it, but it comes with dealing with an elderly parent who is so full of rage. I wish they would find a magic pill that would take away all the anger that is hurled at the caregiver. We are often the only ones there (another card for them?) and we don't deserve to be mistreated. We are super special people.

Have they had a medical evaluation lately. It might have something to do with the stage of their decline.

For whatever the reason, you do not have to put up with violence even from your elderly parents. If they verbally or physically threaten you with violence again, I would say call 911 to have them committed to a hospital for a full psychiatric and physiological evaluation particularly. Anytime someone is a danger to themselves or to others, their abusive behavior needs to be reported and them taken out of the house for some serious help.

No , they are not purposely trying to drive you crazy - they may succeed anyways, I'll sure grant you that! But as sad as it is, at some point you have to understand that dementia means losing the ability to reason, as well as the ability to remember, so of course, they become unreasonable. It's not you. They really don't or choose not to remember and it would never cross their mind that it would bother you to deny something that you remember happened. They may even be trying to communicate that they *wish* it hadn't happened. Wish it was easier for all of us in this boat.

Bristi, you sound so trapped...parents are supposed to empower their children to leave the nest and be on their own, but it seems yours have done the opposite. Cmagnum is right, you need to be out, but you also need skills to be able to stand on your own, both practical in terms of a job and emotional. I'm assuming they do not have a guardianship over you, but rather leverage in terms of your financial and emotional independence. If you have any identifiable disabilities, there are likely reisdential programs in your state under Rehabiliation Services or Vocational Rehabilitation Services. Goodwill Industries or Job Corps or something like that could even be an option, or even a program that helps abused women. At 39, it is by no means too late to learn compeletely new ways of living and to realize that you are as worthy a human being as the next person and can become capable of whatever it takes to make it on your own.

Beatndone - how about calling the cops - assault is assault and around people like your mother you need to protect yourself by getting your word in first. You must be a saint to keep hanging in there. I did a "divorce" from my mother - never saw her after my Dad's funeral and when I heard she died some years later, I sat there..could not believe it would ever happen, that I would outlive her.
I guess you are a nice quy, but me, I think I would tip off code enforcement, the health department, and on and on. Had to do this in a similar type of situation, and you know, I got to enjoying it, but then they deserved it big time. Just protect yourself from her false accusations.

On the other hand, those with a borderline personality disorder are great at creating masks to lure you or hoover you in.They tend to only abuse those directly close to them in the old "I hate you, don't leave me" dynamic. There are different levels of it and some are rather high functioning, but all of them can verbally abuse, get into white/black thinking/, split people and reverse people in categories of all bad or all good, and get triggered into an irrational rage like a flash of light and then return into a sulky sweetness without remembering the rage at all. It appears that personality disorders are more a problem of the mind than just physically a problem of the physical brain although some meds do help with some of their issues which they seldom want to face or deal with in the hard work of therapy both private and group like DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy.