My beautiful Mother passed on 12/27/12 at 10:45 am. She went peacefully and I know that her last moment on this here earth was a happy one for her as she saw everyone she needed to see.
I didn't like her suffering and I prayed to God that he stopped the suffering and help her. I know unrealistically I was hoping for a miracle and wanted God to make her better to give me more years with her. But instead the decision was to take her to be with my Father (who passed 17 years ago) and her family. My Mommy was 84 years young and looked great for her age. I do thank God for the time these last 4 years with her. After my son went off to college, I moved in with her to be her companion and then be her caregiver in time of need. During this time I learned so much about my Mother as a person, we shared so many special moments, I got to see her not only as the caring Mother and Grandmother that she was, but also as a person. And OMG what a great individual she was, she was a strong, interesting, intellectual and wonderful woman. I miss her more and more as people/family start going back to their own lives and I'm left alone in this house we shared. Everywhere I look I see her, something reminds me of her, what she would say, do, her smile, her special look. It will be a long time before I would be able to now try and make this house my own. She was here for 20 years, so everything/everywhere I look there are things that I know were special to her.
For so many years I have not been "me, Ana Maria" that now I don't know where to start. First I was the "mother of Richard"; then I became "the daughter of my dear Mother, her caregiver". I have many years ahead of me and I have no clue what to do with myself. I know it's a great opportunity to start something, but what?!?! I don't have the financial need to just get up and go somewhere to perhaps "find myself" and since I am unemployed I suppose I should look for a job. But at the same time, I don't want JUST a JOB I wanted to mean something, this is what I struggle with. I worked for so many years in marketing/advertising that it just became a job, i know that it is not my calling. How does one find themselves? How does one get over the hurt, the loneliness, the missing, the companionship? Thank you.