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Mom is in an assissted living apt. This is what she's told my husb and everyone else. She has accused me of coming in while she's not there and moving her things around so she can't find them, making it look like "she's crazy" as she put it. I made it a point to take my husb with me each time I was seeing her. She adores him and he can do no wrong.

The accusation she had with me on the phone (and no one heard) is that she can't stand being around me, I irritate the hell out of her, she never wants me at her apt again and not to call ever again." and hung up.
I called her back 3 times in a row and she hung up on me all three times.
Then my husb called to see how she's doing last Sat and she asked him "How's she taking it?", I was listening on speaker phone and we both looked at each other like...taking what?"....It took me while to figure this out.
She's mad at me for (something I didn't do) but thinks I did and is punishing me by not talking to me.
It "was" bothering me untill I figured out her plot. Now I'm somewhat better but she still needs to see her dr which she refuses to do. Even if she was given meds, she's hidden them in her mouth before and not taken them while living in the health care side of the unit.
Any suggestionswill be gladly be accepted
I've not talked to her in a month, my husb contiues to check in with her.
The staff if great, I can call anytime and they check on her also.
I feel like I'm losing my mind and already lost my mother even though she's still with us.
My first grandson will be born July 10
God doesn't take one without leaving another. I've not told my 3 adult kids about their grandmother..yet.
Thanks for listening, accepting all suggestions and apologize for the length.

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Maure,
I have to disagree with Ladeeda on one point. She absolutely can have dementia and remember something a month later. I went through hell and back with my Mom who was suffering with dementia before I realized it. All I can say is to love her the best way you can as you go through this. I just kept telling my Mom when she would put me out of her life like that - I love you anyway!!! I also remember talking to her after a long period of her "hating" me and very humbly she said "I know I was mad at you but I can't believe it got that far" and "I just can't believe how I was feeling about you!" Referring to what felt like hatred to me. It's all about loss - loss of memory, loss of control, loss of independence and her seeing you as "taking over" her life - if that in fact is the position you are in - I was/am. My Mom got through the anger, but now she lives more and more in her own world - I just bought her a beautiful baby doll (very life like) and she is so nurturing toward it - and sometimes she refers to me as her Mother - she says it now in jest, but that is what we are headed for . . . all I can say is love her. (I don't know about the alcohol - I have not experienced that issue with my mom) Oh, and don't forget to pray!
Hugs . . .
Nancy
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good advice- but i find it so hard "to get over it"....
i hurt because i am losing my mom, just when we started to
connect again- i should be glad we had that-
i just hate this disease- and the fact that at this time in life,
it seems so cruel to have your brain disconnecting-so much fear and pain,there are lessons here, but rightnow, i cant think
that way, but i will, intime/.
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Sorry for the vague statement about dementia, My lady has late stage Alz and does not remember things from one moment to the other. Just using my own frame of reference.
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I relate and that is exactly why I am here to help. I wish I knew about this discussion site when I was having these issues for the first time. Anyone dealing wth this or any type of mental illness should get a metal of Honor. I have learned something most important... those who love a mentally ill person suffer mentally,emotionally,physically it takes a toll on you if you let it. The key is to remember it is an illness, they know not what they do to you. I have realized that the more I try to show my Love the more Mom rejects me. If I show hurt or take it seriously she continues, I back off she backs off. It is like a test. Two year olds do this without knowing it, to see who is a security. They test your love, who cares enough to notice I am misbehaving?
In the case of missing items...one who is forgetful will blame the person who cares because that person will probably find the missing item. My Mom was/is afraid someone is taking her things, therefore she hides them. So when she can't find them, she can't remember where she has hidden them, so I must have taken them. When she was living with me, her hiding spot was in her bed. So I would get her in the bathroom ready to shower(Mom would never leave BR nakie) say Oh I forgot to get a towel, I'd run into her room go thru her bed retrieve missing items and she never saw me touching her stuff. This became routine. She would ditch her pills too, I swear she took them swallowed them while I watched. My friend found them buried in her couch!!!???? She is sneaky and smart and yes forgetful but manipulation is clear as a blue sky. The verbal abuse is actually a compliment, It means she trust that you are the one who cares and will put up a fight for her no matter what. I now understand that in my Moms new reality and the way she acts towards me has to be translated into a need or a conflict she is having. In other words she cannot say I need help because that would be giving up on herself instead she says go away I don't need you, so she feels independant. In anycase I think to myself if she were a 2 year old and I said to her don't go into the street it's not safe and she said I hate you because I stopped her, I would know I did what I needed to for her safety reguardless of the verbal abuse. When it's someone like a parent it is not natural for a child to be the parent, so it is a conflict to both the child and the parent ,roles have reversed.You have to try not to let this behavior get to you. Just do what you think is right, you are the one of sound mind. If you want to enjoy some quality time music is a miracle. Play a song thats familiar and you'll see what I mean. Faith is the only way to go it will get stronger just accept and appreciate especially when it gets tuff.
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hi- reading your post brought a smile to my face because ---
i have experienced the same kind of treatment from my mom. , much of my life, she has been accusing me of things i havent done,lots of blame,
finger pointing, manipulation and control.
now that she is 87, dementia, but not totally in another place-
i think that there was some kind of disconnect inher brain for a long time. there was a time- for 10 years,as a matter a fact ,where we didnt speak-at all!!too dangerous for me-- and we lived very close to eachother.
it became a pattern, after we finally started talking again, once the lies,and accusations would just- i had to leave-
walk out- which of course made me the really bad daughter.
it was during one of those times last year, that mybrother and this "friend"of his ,financial advisor and all around $#!&^%&took
advantage of the situation and had mom take my name off the POA. she didnt realize it meant that i was nolonger able to be her advocate , i was an outsider no longer allowed to voice or suggest or be included in an of her health care--this was so stupid since i had been caring for her for years-and my brother was away, living his life-just calling every day, but saying very little-
i guess the point i am making is, sometimes, us "bad children" ,no matter what we do, will always be wrong.
and i mean NO MATTER WHAT WE DO-it isnt good enough or
kind enough , or acceptable. hard concept to accept.
a quick funny story- my mom wanted to visit me-after we had broken the silence-she hadnt been in my apt for 15 yrs.
i had prepared myself for expecting to hear the usual comments that hurt, trying to
find a way to make it a pleasant visit- now i paint, and had made a beautiful mural on mywall and ceiling- when mom came in m room with the mural ,she looked at it, and said- OMG, how are u going to get that off?/but mom- i put it there, i like it- well, that wasnt heard- at least i was semi prepared for her comments.
if u can somehow find it in yourself to understand that this isnot
the kind of thing that is rational- and so doing the obvious rational things, like taking your husband with u to prove u were not moving her things, isnt going to convince her of anything.
i think, at least from my experience, that eventually she will see
u for u, and when push comes to shove, it is u who is there for her, who cares for her and loves her..not to expect miracles,
but she is most likely scared, frightened, confused and angry/frustrated.it is a horrible time in her life-
who else is there to take out frustrations but on the ones we love the most. sorry for the rant- i got carried away-
i send u huggs ----- pick your battles, if she doesnt want to talk- take that time as a break- try and relax and fill up and be good to you!!!! it wont be long until u are back in the ring again.
i hope this helps, if nothing else, to distract u and show u that u are far from being alone.,things will work out-day by day we are stronger than we think.u are stronger than u think...karen
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Look, you didn't do anything wrong...so you need to get over it. it is what it is. We can't control these types of behavior. She'll call you when she needs something.....sounds like the disease and the drinking are part of it. My mom drinks. I do EVERYTHING for both my parents and have two deadbeat siblings who walked away. When my mom drinks too much, she is nasty to me and defends my deadbeat sister. It absolutely kills me but I can't focus on it. So I move on. At least you know that your Mom is in a place where she's being taken care of. that has to be enough for you right now. For some of us that would love that, we can't affiord it. This will pass.....
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Maaura, I get things set up in my moms cloths closet with a pair of slacks,blouse or sweater so that everything is alset for her and sh'll go behind me about an hour later and she starts tearing apart the clothes I just fixed and just before that she had helped to get things set up so she wouldn't get confused. She yelled at me and then she'll come an hour or two later and she say's with out you I don't know just where I'd be.She will hiuseinate and say that her father and mother are waiting for her to come home and they have been gone grandma since 1954 and grandpa sice 1965. My stepdad has been gone since 1981 and she keeps saying my husband is late coming home for dinner I have to go and see just where he is. Then another time she'll come and ask me Dayle where are the kids and wheres my baby. It's hit my mom very hard this last year and I can see her memory decling day by day. It's very hard to see your parent going through this especially where she used to be an exective securtay to the Pesident of a big company now she has a lot of probles speeking, writting her name or doing a simple math problem. She'll come and say to me I love you for all you do for me and she will give me a kiss on my cheek and a pat on my back. I have a sister and brother who live down south and neither of them call or come to see her and I think that na crying shame she had 3 children and only I have been with her in our home this last 18 years. Keep your chin up and think Positive that things will be ok. you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Mrjess - I just wanted to let everyone know about doll therapy for Alzheimer's patients - my mother actually picked up a door hanging - a snowman and kind of adopted it as a child. She wrapped it in a blanket, talked to it and was always talking about it - how he smiles all the time, etc. Long story short, she spent a week in the hospital, then had to go to a skilled nursing home for another week and there was a baby doll sitting on a chair in the hall - I asked if she could have it and she totally took to the doll, carrying it everywhere, talking to it and sleeping with it - it's something for her to nurture and it's comforting to her. There is such a thing as doll therapy, it calms alz patients, helps them sleep (less wandering), etc. Sometimes my mother knows its a doll and other times she introduces people to her. Some of my family members have had a hard time with this, but I have fully embraced it seeing how much my mom loves the doll. It's a sad, sad thing to slowly lose a parent like this, but we have to realize that we cannot keep fighting to bring them into our world, we must go where they are. As you probably know by now, you can't win an argument with a dementia patient anyway!
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mrjess, I would like to caution you to not let her phycical behavoir get out of hand. I am setting her with a broken knee from Ruth having meltodowns and the family not listening about a change in meds. Poor Ruth is stuck in a NH getting her meds adusted and I am here trying to heel and get ready for her to come home. There will come a time when "knock it off" will not work. Just please be aware of her changes and inform your Dr. Hope she settles down.
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mrjess, also keep in mind it is a full moon. Alz/dementia have a very hard time with anger and anxiety during this time. Glad I could help. Let me know what the doc says. Good luck..
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