Maure Asked March 2011

What should I do when my mother is mad at me for "moving her things" when I wasn't even there?

Follow
Share

Mom is in an assissted living apt. This is what she's told my husb and everyone else. She has accused me of coming in while she's not there and moving her things around so she can't find them, making it look like "she's crazy" as she put it. I made it a point to take my husb with me each time I was seeing her. She adores him and he can do no wrong.

The accusation she had with me on the phone (and no one heard) is that she can't stand being around me, I irritate the hell out of her, she never wants me at her apt again and not to call ever again." and hung up.
I called her back 3 times in a row and she hung up on me all three times.
Then my husb called to see how she's doing last Sat and she asked him "How's she taking it?", I was listening on speaker phone and we both looked at each other like...taking what?"....It took me while to figure this out.
She's mad at me for (something I didn't do) but thinks I did and is punishing me by not talking to me.
It "was" bothering me untill I figured out her plot. Now I'm somewhat better but she still needs to see her dr which she refuses to do. Even if she was given meds, she's hidden them in her mouth before and not taken them while living in the health care side of the unit.
Any suggestionswill be gladly be accepted
I've not talked to her in a month, my husb contiues to check in with her.
The staff if great, I can call anytime and they check on her also.
I feel like I'm losing my mind and already lost my mother even though she's still with us.
My first grandson will be born July 10
God doesn't take one without leaving another. I've not told my 3 adult kids about their grandmother..yet.
Thanks for listening, accepting all suggestions and apologize for the length.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
26

Answers

Show:
1 3
mrjess Mar 2011
Thanks to all of your words and support mom came into see me before she went off to bed. Moms on namendr,ariset,and Tranzidone for the Dementure. When she takes the Tranzidone it is for Angizty and she sleeps through the night. She'll get up maybe one time to go to the bathroom then she'll go right off to sleep. Again thank you for your words and support Take Care and write when you can...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ladee1 Mar 2011
mrjess, also keep in mind it is a full moon. Alz/dementia have a very hard time with anger and anxiety during this time. Glad I could help. Let me know what the doc says. Good luck..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I relate and that is exactly why I am here to help. I wish I knew about this discussion site when I was having these issues for the first time. Anyone dealing wth this or any type of mental illness should get a metal of Honor. I have learned something most important... those who love a mentally ill person suffer mentally,emotionally,physically it takes a toll on you if you let it. The key is to remember it is an illness, they know not what they do to you. I have realized that the more I try to show my Love the more Mom rejects me. If I show hurt or take it seriously she continues, I back off she backs off. It is like a test. Two year olds do this without knowing it, to see who is a security. They test your love, who cares enough to notice I am misbehaving?
In the case of missing items...one who is forgetful will blame the person who cares because that person will probably find the missing item. My Mom was/is afraid someone is taking her things, therefore she hides them. So when she can't find them, she can't remember where she has hidden them, so I must have taken them. When she was living with me, her hiding spot was in her bed. So I would get her in the bathroom ready to shower(Mom would never leave BR nakie) say Oh I forgot to get a towel, I'd run into her room go thru her bed retrieve missing items and she never saw me touching her stuff. This became routine. She would ditch her pills too, I swear she took them swallowed them while I watched. My friend found them buried in her couch!!!???? She is sneaky and smart and yes forgetful but manipulation is clear as a blue sky. The verbal abuse is actually a compliment, It means she trust that you are the one who cares and will put up a fight for her no matter what. I now understand that in my Moms new reality and the way she acts towards me has to be translated into a need or a conflict she is having. In other words she cannot say I need help because that would be giving up on herself instead she says go away I don't need you, so she feels independant. In anycase I think to myself if she were a 2 year old and I said to her don't go into the street it's not safe and she said I hate you because I stopped her, I would know I did what I needed to for her safety reguardless of the verbal abuse. When it's someone like a parent it is not natural for a child to be the parent, so it is a conflict to both the child and the parent ,roles have reversed.You have to try not to let this behavior get to you. Just do what you think is right, you are the one of sound mind. If you want to enjoy some quality time music is a miracle. Play a song thats familiar and you'll see what I mean. Faith is the only way to go it will get stronger just accept and appreciate especially when it gets tuff.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

mrjess Mar 2011
Hi Ladeeda. Thank You for responding so quickly I am going to speak with the doctor next month when we go for our checkups and I'll let him know just what is going on. That was the first time she lashed out at someone , I just thought of something it could have been how the staff person approched her some of them sometimes don't know how to approach people with Alzhimers and Dementure. I'll keep what you said on a piece of paper when i do get to talk to him. Again Thanks for listening
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ladee1 Mar 2011
mrjess, I would like to caution you to not let her phycical behavoir get out of hand. I am setting her with a broken knee from Ruth having meltodowns and the family not listening about a change in meds. Poor Ruth is stuck in a NH getting her meds adusted and I am here trying to heel and get ready for her to come home. There will come a time when "knock it off" will not work. Just please be aware of her changes and inform your Dr. Hope she settles down.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

mrjess Mar 2011
Thank You Nancydix, I already do that with a babydoll. As a matter of fact I made the doll that she thinks is her baby. The body is cloth and the face,hands and legs were made in Germany. I went to a cosigment shop in town and found a babies little 6 mo. siZe dress and pinafor the I put on white ruffel tights and little white baby shoes. I put hair onher just like a babies. Mom will hug her doll talk to it sing to it,she lays her down on her dresser and covers her with a hand towel for a blanket. Then I bought her 3 stuffed dogs to replace Prince Jesse a beautiful little Y0kie that we had to put up for adoption due to mom falling,he would run between her legs then she would lose her balance and fall. My Tax accountant adoptied Jesse and if we want to see him I just have to give her a call and she will bring him to the house . Back to the stuffed dogs shell talk to them also anxd she'll take one to bed with her. She had a bad day at the program today,one of the staff went to take her to the ladies room and clean her upand mom started striking out at the staff person she has never done that before and I see that things are beginning to change more and more every day. When I picked her up from the day program I took her to JC Penny to get her 2 prs. of sneakers and a Dress for Easter she yelled at me in the changing roomand she told me that she was going to punch me out. But I know it was the dementure talking and I just told her to knock it off and she looked at me and said to me OK! mom I'm sorry and I Love you very much.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Maure Mar 2011
There aren't enough "Thank You's" in the world to say and give everyeone here that's responded to my post. I asked God for help and this is where he led me, THE PERFECT PLACE.

Earlier in the week, her cancer dr appt, PET scan appt and follow up appt. came in the mail, I made copies and husb took them to the desk inside the blding for me. That was the day of her phone call with two different greetings to ea. of us, she'd called to tell me she had someone from the manor is taking her to all her appts. Of course this costs a lot more than our tank of gas, but she feels better having them take her and so do I.

Prior to hanging up, she said "I love you" in a none feeling way and have the feeling sincetellinig her "I love you to mom", she thinks everything is back to normal, but it's not for me ( it may not be for her either, these are just feelings I 'm suspecting)
If she calls, I don't care to talk to her, thats being terribly mean,
but I don't know whether she's lying or telling the truth when talking to me.
I'm sure she's spread rumors all around about me, but I don't care. Trying desperatly not to get any more depressed and already on meds for it bc my first grandbaby is coming June 10, and I never thought I'd have one bc my girls can't have kids.
It's my son and his wife that are having a son and that's another basket case for me. NOTHING in my life is normal except for the constant faith I have in God and how he's so good to me. I apologize to those who don't speak about religon.
It is my one saving grace and how can I be so damn angry and be Christian at the same time?
I don't know, I just am.
Again, Thanks to Everyone
Maure
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

nancydix Mar 2011
Ladeeda, just put it in her room and see what happens. I don't know if you have the money or not, but you can buy a very life like beautiful dolls at the store at the alzheimer's baby doll therapy store.
The dolls are $80. If you don't have the money, I'm sure any baby doll would work. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

ladee1 Mar 2011
Love this idea. Wanted to do this before Ruth's meltdown and my broken knee. When she gets out of the NH I am going to try this. I was met with opposition from BG, but am going to try it anyway. Anything to bring Ruth some comfort, as she is so anxious so much of the time.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

nancydix Mar 2011
Mrjess - I just wanted to let everyone know about doll therapy for Alzheimer's patients - my mother actually picked up a door hanging - a snowman and kind of adopted it as a child. She wrapped it in a blanket, talked to it and was always talking about it - how he smiles all the time, etc. Long story short, she spent a week in the hospital, then had to go to a skilled nursing home for another week and there was a baby doll sitting on a chair in the hall - I asked if she could have it and she totally took to the doll, carrying it everywhere, talking to it and sleeping with it - it's something for her to nurture and it's comforting to her. There is such a thing as doll therapy, it calms alz patients, helps them sleep (less wandering), etc. Sometimes my mother knows its a doll and other times she introduces people to her. Some of my family members have had a hard time with this, but I have fully embraced it seeing how much my mom loves the doll. It's a sad, sad thing to slowly lose a parent like this, but we have to realize that we cannot keep fighting to bring them into our world, we must go where they are. As you probably know by now, you can't win an argument with a dementia patient anyway!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

1 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Related
Articles

Related
Questions