What and how to say goodbye to my brother-in-law in hospice?

Let the poor man die without knowing. Why ask this question put yourself in his place.

Such a sad question, especially at this time of year. Two random comments from when my dad died, for what they are worth.

1. At one point, when my dad was unconscious, I said to him, you did everything you were supposed to, we're proud of you, you can go whenever you want. Later that night, he went into a coma and died the next day. I like to think he was waiting to hear that affirmation and felt OK leaving after that.
2. Apparently hearing is the last sense to go. So don't whisper around the person, talk about them to others in the room. Just try and be as "normal" as possible, if that is possible. :)

Sending healing thoughts to everyone dealing with loss/impending loss during the holiday season.

I think it depends if they are alert & verbal or just sometimes awake. If alwrt i would share memories of good times and reassure them that you will look after those left behind. My mom was really out of it but in my heart I knew she could hear me. The morning she died i asked 2 things of her. If she could hold on until the priest and my brother arrived. Once they arrived i layed with her, along with many other family members, held her and told her thank you and that we would all be ok and I would take care of my father and that it was ok to go. She would see jesus, her parents and her sisters and that she would be able to walk and talk again. Within 5 mins she just slowly stopped breathing. It was the best that I had hoped and prayed for. I personally think that those who are passing need to hear it is ok to go from a certain person. Sharing memories, making physical contact and making assurances that those left behind are the most important things you can do. If they chose to talk about dying then follow their lead. Hoping for a peaceful passing 🙏

Just BE THERE. If he can talk, or not, follow his lead.

You should tell him "it's okay to go" (because many who are terminal actually need a verbal sayso). Then tell him how much you love him. Hold his hand.

Do not say a word do not tell him, make sure he is comfortable fully medicated, hold his hand and rub his legs. It is the wrong thing to tell him he is dying.

When my Christian mother was near the end with cancer, she asked me to forgive her for something in the past. I blew off her request and made some excuse, trying to reassure her that it didn't matter. I know now that she NEEDED to hear me say the words "I forgive you." And I know now that I needed to say them, without hesitation, as my Lord Jesus' entire ministry was about forgiveness and reconciliation with God the Father. It is my greatest regret but has been the greatest lesson.

My husband supposedly only has a few days but he's rallied so many times, nobody is sure any more. I told him this morning that he had a difficult decision to make. That, if he decides to go, there will be people who love him waiting to care for him. Then, I named his parents and friends who have gone on. I told him if he decided to stay that he would have me to love him and care for him and named friends and family who were still here. I then told him I was ok and would be fine with either decision. I also quoted Jesus. "I go to prepare a place for you and in my Father's house are many mansions." I told my husband that if he went, to pick out a good mansion and save me a place.

I lost my mother some nine years ago. My sister and I had Hospice at the house, and we all held her hand as she went. I later went down to the den to have a good cry.

My Stepdad died at home with Hospice and me as his caregiver.

The last couple of days he seemed agitated at times. The night before he passed I called the Hospice RN. She stopped by the house to check on him. She and I then sat on the patio and she talked and calmed me. We both knew the end would arrive soon. She encouraged me to sit with my Stepdad and ask if he was worried about anything, upset, etc. I guess that’s what he needed.

The conversation was uncomfortable but necessary for him I suppose. Centered around my Mom, her Dementia. That he wanted me to keep her at home until the money ran out then to do what I had to do.

He relaxed drifted off to sleep and passed away in his sleep a few hours later.

I had a BIL that was like a brother to me also. We never had a big “last” heart to heart. It would have been a big boo-hop session on both our parts I am afraid.

Might be too late for this reply, in that you are probably already there and not reading on the internet, but....

When my stepmom went into hospice (also cancer), upon my arrival she couldn't speak much, but she immediately commanded me to "Sing!" We always sang and harmonized together when I was younger; she even taught me my first chords on the guitar. So that's what I did, for 8 days, until she was gone. Held her hand and cried and sang her every song I knew. I'm crying now, remembering it. I even wrote a song about it, almost a year later, which I still can't sing without crying!

My point isn't that you have to sing, but you may find yourself able to take your cues from him when you get there.

I have to be honest, I have absolutely no idea what I would find to say to a person like your BIL - dying too young, too soon, and of such a wicked disease. (don't say any of that. Obviously).

But if it's at all reassuring, I don't think you can get this *wrong*. Being there is all you need to do. Anything you're inspired to say (listen first) will be a bonus.

The Marie Curie organisation explains that the person dying often feels that he has to be the "strong one" in a conversation, because he won't want to see you distressed. Letting him know that it's okay for him to relax and be truthful about what he feels could be a great relief to him.

Being at my daddy's side, holding his hand and letting him go--were some of my most sacred and beautiful memories. Daddy had suffered so from the indignity of Parkinson's..I had helped care for him for well over 7 years. Often, when he was better, we would just sit holding hands. He was my daddy. He will always be my daddy. I'm so grateful for my knowledge that this life is a mere passing moment.....and I have had many experiences when I know he is still here with my.

So yes, touch the person. Speak only of love and forgiveness if you need to. I told my FIL as he was dying, that maybe he'd get to "fly over" Spain--(once country he didn't get to visit) on his way to heaven. Who's to say he didn't?

I am sorry to hear about your brother in law. I lost a few friends & of neighbor to pancreatic cancer.
All great answers shared here.
What gives me hope is in God's Holy word from the bible. Jesus claimed victory over death. The good news is hope in everlasting life.
My apologies if this offends anyone, you obviously do not have to take any advice from little old me.
May God bless you and comfort you and your family I this time. Say what's on your heart. 

I don't say goodbye, I say I will see you soon on the other side. My Grampop said he was going to hold up a big welcome sign. 

John 4:13-15
13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
Revelation 21:3-5New
3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

You can say as many loving words as you want, but the real need for the dying person at this time is to FEEL the heart of another human being, feel relaxed and not alone.

The simplest way to do this is by holding his/her left hand with your right hand. Silently focus on your breath and BE present in that moment. Do this as long as you can. No words are needed. Just allow BEING. He/she will receive your heart's connection, feel true energetic support and thus is able relax within.

This true connection is the most important offering you can make to a soul at this time in order for the person to move through this transition without fear and with grace. And this small action is so simple to do.

If you love him, tell him. If he has been like a brother to you, tell him. If he has made your life better, because he was part of it, tell him. Thank him for being your friend, even a brother to you. Tell him now what you want him to know, both you and he will be forever grateful. And tell him, if you believe it so, that you and he will see each other again soon. That eternity is waiting for us all. Bless you both.

Let him now how important he is to you. How he has made a difference in your life. Tell him you love him

Tell him:
You love him
You are here 
All is forgiven
These are your favorite memories
It's okay to let go
Everything is taken care of
Everyone will be fine
Hold his hand and talk
John 3:16 (or his faith of choice-or not)
YOU ARE LOVED

I agree with just going and being there and remembering better times. My BIL was told last year at Thanksgiving he had up to 6 months left. He passed on 12/3. My husband (his older brother) got a couple of chances to visit with him during that brief time. They talked about growing up on the farm, the neighbors, the adventures. Some of his old classmates and teammates from HS football visited and they talked about the winning season they had as seniors. Just anything to brighten a bit of his time will help. Do you have old photos still? Bring them and remember the event they were taken at. Since its been a few years since you've seen him, bring new photos of your family and bring him up to date on what everyone is doing.

Tell him everything you will regret you did not say after he goes. What he means to you and how thankful you are that he is a part of your life story. God bless you and your family during this difficult time.

In chaplaincy training they teach us the five things most dying people want to hear:
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I'll take care of __ for you // or // We'll be okay even though we'll miss you.

Just be there. I also like the response, "what do you need from me right now?" I worked with terminally ill individuals and many times, the person dying has made peace long before their family and friends. As far as telling someone, "it's OK to let go;" it depends on the individuals, circumstances, etc. Not all statements are right for everyone. When my sister was dying of cancer and heavily sedated, she said to me and our other sister one evening, "Daddy said it's OK for me to come." Our father has passed away 5 months earlier. We said to her, "it is; you can go when you're ready." It's NEVER easy in these situations. Just be genuine and be there.

If you're comfortable with this, tell him family members and friends will greet him as he is crossing over. If he sees two lights, follow the brightest one.

All major faiths have beliefs in the afterlife. Even non-theists glimpse the afterlife in Near-Death Experiences. So it doesn't matter what kind of religion, or lack of one, your BIL adheres to.

Consider asking him to visit you in a dream, so he can tell you about the afterlife!

Say what’s in your heart, that can never be wrong.
Please don’t be afraid to touch him...in my experience of working with Hospice patients over the years I’ve seen time and time again friends and loved ones feeling unsure of what to do when visiting with a dying individual.
Touch is important in this life and it can be so comforting to someone who may be frightened or feel alone in their journey toward the end of their life.
A simple hand on a shoulder or a gentle arm rub can make all the difference in calming and allowing your loved one to feel a connection.
Certainly make sure where you decide to touch is free from pain as you’d not want to cause any further discomfort.
Bless you for having such a caring heart.

I agree with arianne777 ABSOLUTELY....................

Just be there and hold him. Show the love, share the love, speak the love.
I told both my parents that I understood they had to go and that I would see them again when my time came. 

My neighbor Frank was taken by cancer. He was always very heavy. The last time we saw each other he could not sit up from the hospital bed. He was connected to monitors and an IV. Still we talked and he was glad to see me. He knew what was happening and excepted it like Frank did. That's all that mattered. We talked just like always and watched some TV. I stayed until he fell asleep. I didn't feel his loss until I left his side.

Remind him of the great moments you had with him. Tell him you love him

arianne777, I think some people would like to be told they can let go. I would not suggest that as something to say to a BIL, though.

And I think I would phrase it a little differently, like "Mom, I'm so glad you and Dad raised us to be independent adults, able to function well on our own."

Just say " I love you and you will always be in my heart."