What have you tried to "communicate" with your aging parent with dementia?

Cheyenne: So true! You may as well be talking to the wall!

Sheila16, was your uncle a veterinarian or worked with animals earlier in life? I ask because my Hubby was in Law Enforcement in his life. So, his words include phrases from there.

My uncle is seeing animals, mostly cats and dogs. He becomes very agitated around the same time of the evening. We have been to doctor and they have given him Lorazapam to ease the anxiety that he feels. I believe that it has a lot to do with his vision, because he is visually impaired. Any suggestions that can help. He has been able to live on his own until this started. He is staying with my mom at this time as we try to get this figured out.

My dementia Husband ---- turned on the History Channel for on World War II. First of all there were maaaany commercials. He told me he couldn't tell what part was the history being told/shown and what the parts were the commercials. So, I just turned it off. Right, Llamalover, their brain cannot "get it".

I, also, use hand signals with my words to better communicate with him. Like the signals we teach dogs. It's helped me a lot in the communication department.

It is a waste of time to try to convince an elder of something that is factually correct! They just can't absorb it...rather their brain cannot. My late mother's neighbor believed soap operas were real life!

At different times, we cared for both my mother and my husband's aunt in our home and via daily visits to the rehab facilities and hospitals they went to. They both had memory issues but their outlooks were completely opposite--one angry and mean, the other patient and appreciative. When one had hallucinations ["See all the cute little lizards up on the ceiling!" or "Can't you see that aura (aurora borealis) out there in the sky?] I would not try to correct their perceptions, but rather validated them: "No, I can't see them/it, but I'm glad you can" or "I'm glad they're so cute!" When I had to explain something again and again, I was always totally patient. When one was balky about medical necessities, we put it to her in terms of "You need to work at this physical therapy stuff so that you can leave this hospital and come home to live with us" or . . . "so we can take you on that Alaskan Cruise you have always wanted to do!" (and we did). When one had been hysterical because she believed the "General Hospital" misbehavior she saw on the TV was a window into what was really happening out in the hall, I calmed her by showing that the TV could be turned off and the hallway was unchanged. I never criticized, but always sought for truthful ways to reassure and to accept their perceptions in a constructive manner. We felt it was more important to establish positive relationships in the present rather than to insist on correcting distorted memories of the past, and it was a good experience for us all.

My Husband of 92 is whom I'm caring for.
When he gets depressed saying he's stupid because he can't do or remember something, I tell him, he can't help it. We both agree it's the dementia and neither like it. So, by talking about it, makes the problem come more into perspective.

Well, redefine a normal conversation. We constantly change our relationships. And as far as my mom is concerned, we do what she CAN do and that is living in the now. As long as she is not suffering and is content, I feel good about it. I let a lot of things she is stubborn about go--- yet I don't give up concerning some hygiene like taking a shower once a week ( or two) and brushing teeth at least every 24 hrs. I have learned little behavioral techniques that work. For now, she can draw pictures a little bit and she can feel the emotions of love when I'm making her something for her. She enjoys me laughing and telling her stories of what she did and how she lived. Since I am also an RN, I have my nursing cap on. It's about her process and what works the best. This is one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences I've had.

A neurologist questioned verbally tested my mother (93 years) regarding loosing her memory. Memory has been deteriatng for more than 2years. Doctor did not request a cat scam. Doctor diagnosed my mother with moderate dementia Alzheimer's. Please put some clarification to doctor's diagnosis. My mother is resides in assistant living housing. She needs to be reminded when to take her medication. She is capable of physically caring for her personal needs. She snacks instead of eating a meal when she is alone. She does not consistently maintain her nutrients. Can she be classified dementia or aizeheimer.

We placed my Mom in memory care 3 weeks ago. She was a Nuclear Med Tech, brilliant & beautiful woman, who worked in medicine all her life and was a caregiver at work and home and community. This loving trait has accompanied her into the fearful, sad world of dementia. She's never met a human being in which she didn't find some good, and the care staff said she's still caring for those around her. She, too, loves me to take my little white GoldenDoodle to visit. The 7 "people" she still remembers without prompting include our two Doodle family members. She also remembers every word to every old song & hymn she ever knew....music is magic! So very true that she is capable of living only in the moment, we try to remember this and pass on to her visitors. Pictures, when big enough for her to see, bring great joy to her as well. She was an avid reader all her life but can no longer see to read so reading anything to her, especially devotionals and Scripture bring her joy and relaxation. There is still no way to allay the fear that overcomes her when "sundowners" hits. The facility calls me frequently to talk her through it and I do that by talking about what I did that day, what Dad's done as well, or my husband & dogs. These things get her back on track because she has always placed everyone else's lives before her own. The closest she gets to talking about herself is to tell me she is sick to her stomach from the fear of not knowing how "the family" is doing. This gets me more than any other part of this journey....I don't want her to be afraid! The entire family, including her sis & bil can visit and she'll tell me the next morning she can't remember the last time she saw a family member. We then go through who's visited in the past few days & she'll say she's frustrated because her brain "just doesn't work anymore". I'm always honest about acknowledging this with her in our conversations, then quickly try to divert her attention to other topics. Keeping her dignity is also vital to her well-being by painting finger & toe nails, putting on blush & lipstick & doing her hair. These things were always important to her, & still are. My lifetime friend who is just like her second daughter visits several times per week & always makes sure to do these personal things for her, as well as play some card games (as mentioned above), work a crossword puzzle "together" and laugh about anything they can....lots of laughter! I'm enjoying the ideas I've picked up from all of you, please continue to share. Dementia is so very painful to all those who love the person affected. My personal outlook on life has been changed - forever.

Hubby is 92 with dementia. Your ideas about bring up the past are good -- even the stories heard 1001 times. He used to work for the government . He kept lots of news clippings about himself and cases he worked on. So, he'll just sit at his desk looking at these or at family photos. I know that he's in another world of the past, so I let him be. As you all say, short term memory is gone. So, I let him live in the past.

I discovered that my Dad remembered his love for classical music so even when we were in the car driving, he would be just transported by the music and would conduct with his hands and smile. It was a blessing that I think gave him much pleasure.

Always check for a UTI. My mother went down hill fast when she started getting these. Now, I believe her new urologist is finally on top of them, but it's done it's damage. She hasn't come back to her old self. I keep working with her, giving her supplements like antioxidants vitamins etc, and she is somewhat better, no longer combative. She laughs at some jokes now. Try the supplements. I think they help.

Susang, my mother is the same re money. Has absolutely no clue nor did she ever. In 1994, I asked her how much she owed in credit card bills and she said $5K. I added them up for her and it was over $60K! Totally clueless and she goes through money like water if left to her, which happily isn't up to her any longer.

If she hadn't gone through several hundred thousand in the past 20 years, there would be no worries with her long term care.

my father also with dementia, he remembers more from the past that he does the present. he says he knows who I am talking about concerning the grandchildren, but basically I ask him how he is doing and what he has been doing and go with HIS conversation. I tell him things I am doing now but I don't expect him to ask me about things in the present. it doesn't happen. you have to go with the flow and if you know things from her past, just ask her about them and listen to the stories again.

Caregiving is hard and I didn't do with elders, but at least I was there-moving in with Mom, which was a lot more than my sibling did not do. I had a life, but had to pack up my old kit bag and move in with my Mother.

My mom is very late stage and I have found a way to communicate through the magic of music. I have her favorite tunes on an MP3 player and as soon as I play her songs mom starts singing and tapping away. It also changes her mood to a happy one. Mom can only speak one word at a time, usually a word I just said, but the songs bring her to a place we can both enjoy together.

Because their short term memory is non existent, bring up something from the past. You'll miss those stories they told 1, 001 times over (just a random number) once they're gone.

Another thought is to talk about places. Elders, especially depending on the type of dementia, often forget names, faces, and people yet retain memories of things like hobbies, art, and places like the house they grew up, a favorite summer vacation spot, school/college they went to. Or just be in the moment Play cards if she can (UNO is easy), talk about the weather, lunch, the flowers outside. Try touch to communicate. Massage moisturizer into dry hands/feet/arms/legs. Hold their hand and gently rub the top of it while looking outside with them. Even if words don't come, just knowing someone who cares is there can be calming and communicates caring.

I'm having a very difficult time communicating with my mother in a pleasant, kind & thoughtful way. I have tried showing photos & she accuses me of stealing them from her, even the ones that are in her house. I have tried to bring up past events that were good times for her, but she ends up crying because she misses my Dad who has passed. I've tried to get her involved in easy projects, but she gives up on them quickly. The only thing she wants to talk about is her money. She wants me to give her gobs of cash. But she has no reason to aquire money since all her needs are met. I understand how difficult it has become for her to lose that sense of ownershiip. In the beginning, I did give her money which she either gave out for tips or paid for little things like the cleaning lady, for delivery food or for small purchases she contributed to. However, the majority of the money was unaccounted for. She doesn't understand or care for my responsibility as trustee to keep track of her expenses. She asks me to give her money constantly whether it's impossible or illegally done! She is extremely obsessed by this no matter how many times I try to change the subject. The worst being, that I am stealing from her! Then she makes a big issue out of that, we argue & become the enemy! I tried to make my visits once a week, but to no avail, it becomes a horrible fiasco about her money. When I'm not there, she calls to plead with me to come visit her, but each time she brings up the money issues or tries to threaten me by changing her will. Believe it or not, she has lawyers who are trying to help her! And they give her hope! I know they are taking advantage of her illusions of grandeur & I have had to pay the bills they send her for their work, despite my letter of appeal & providing them proof of her incapacitation. I soo wish I could get her mind off of this obsession. Since this stress has caused me a lot of mental, emotional & physical illnesses (was just diagnosed with an ulcerated colon, amoung other disabilities), I have been strongly advised by my lawyer, my doctors & the caretakers to stop visiting her. Since my visits get us both upset, I'm to stay away. She has called me as many as 40 times a day with this harrassment & I know she is sick. Now the caretakers monitor her calls, but each time she does get through, she leaves messages of her dire love for me &
please bring me money. I just wonder if this is always going to be a problem or if there is some way I can spend time with her & talk about all the good things we've experienced. It tears my heart to pieces that she ends up controlling this situation every time. So for those who are able to have conversations with their loved ones, even if they arn't totally themselves, be thankful for the pleasant times you are able to spend with them. I would do anything to keep her mind off of her money & have good times to spend with her.

Stay as positive and kind. Give her happy memories as you are doing with the pictures. Speak of the times she was proudest (was she a great cook, did she raise a family, take good care of her pets or attend college?) Give her moments of joy. The moment is temporary, but the feelings they evoke remain.

dcoach, I only wish there WERE pictures from my mother's childhood but there isn't a single one.

Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions.

Castle, he knew of the death, his neighbor brought him the obit to read. It was on the kitchen table yesterday. He simply forgot all about it. It seems like less and less is being retained. I try to put myself in his shoes and try to make his life as normal for him as I can.

Comment triggered by Lucy'smom post. I agree, talking about people they knew, to me it's whatever seems to work to interest them.

But when it comes to friends or relatives dying, I have found in fact, that elders understand, accept friends dying, far better than their children expect.

By the time we are old, we know the drill. Friends have died, it's the next life stage. When closely involved over a long time, I almost always tell elders of friends illnesses or death - They take it as a signal that they are able to participate in their own lives with the remaining peers, including this stage. Many elders wanted to show up at a funeral, to pay respects, to honor their friends. When it has been possible, I have helped them attend.

I understand this is not possible for everyone, nor necessary, but I have always found that seniors are glad to know of the deaths. They do not feel miserable, they understand life stages and they don't see those people every day now. When we get old enough, the only pages we read in the local newspapers, are the Obituaries, looking for our friends and loved acquaintances.

Many times an elder will feel they are doing something that shows their dignity, loyalty, ability to still help, by showing up, being helped to send a card, or by calling someone they knew and sharing some memories.

I try to talk about people he knew as he was in politics, but I never ask "do you remember", I talk about everyday events but I never talk about things I know will upset him. For example his barber passed away last week. He was retired and hexand his sin owned the shop, but the father only cut hair Friday and Saturday, so I would take dad on those days for his haircut. He used to get his hair cut every 2 weeks. Yesterday I looked at him and it had been a month since I last took him. Knowing the son would be working, I never mentioned the death of his barber. Dad forgot all about it and never questioned why he was going on Thursday and didn't miss his garber not being there. Why mention it to him? I pick and choose what I talk about to him so as not to make him aware of his shortcomings. I see weekly the change in his memory. I just want him to feel as nirmal as pissible.

Dementia presents to each individual differently.

My husband forgets who I am.
It's a moment to moment thing

I have attempted so much over the years that I am now ,"the enemy"?.

I take photos when I visit my cousin. She still remembers some of the people, like her parents and us when we were kids. But, I have found that she is finding this less and less amusing. The only thing that seems to really get her attention is the food. I take her her favorite foods about once a week and she really enjoys that. French fries or a milkshake really make her happy and she will eat and tell me multiple times how good it is. That seems to be the only thing we can communicate about anymore.

I tried to keep my mom focused on positive memories and thoughts, and often brought my little dog to visit her, which she loved. We looked through family photo albums many times and talked over her own family history. A week before she died, I sat on the edge of her bad and said, "Mom, I forgive you for all the times you hurt me. Do you forgive me for the times I hurt you?" She squeezed my hand several times and gave a nod. That was pretty much our last conversation and I'm so glad we had that moment together.

Sometimes it is what it is and we just have to accept it whether we like it or not. This was the experience with my surrogate dad who was living in a slum and renting from a slumlord. I kept warning him about it for years, especially when something went wrong like one of the utilities periodically going off when the slumlord didn't take the rent money and pay the bills to the included utilities. For years I warned him that he better get out of there because if he did and if something was going to happen sometime that was going to force him out. Of course he didn't listen for the most part, and eventually something did happen. What happened is APS showed up one morning unexpectedly and moved him to a better place. He really wasn't there very long before being placed on the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home where he must spend the rest of his life. Every so often he did return to normal where we could have a normal conversation, but that was the only time I could really carry on a reasonable conversation with him. When they return to dementia mode, I noticed that they can become very verbally combative. This always happen if I was away from dad for too long, even if I was just running an errand for us. The longer I was away from him like say overnight, the worse he seemed to get. I'm not sure what went through his mind, but it seems like if you spend a lot of time with someone you love that maybe they think you're not coming back when really you are. This is only a guess since no one really knows what really goes through their minds. You may agree that carrying on a normal conversation when they're in dementia mode can actually be impossible depending on the severity. From my experience with dad, I found it helpful to just wait for him to return to normal. What was especially hard is dealing with those dementia episodes where he got a little out of hand. What I found helpful though was just knowing when to leave by knowing when I've had enough. Remember, this was my surrogate dad, so I was not real family though I still love him as though he were family because family is not always blood. It's not always easy to be around our loved ones with dementia, and if you've never dealt with it before, it's a learning process that only comes from experience.