Does anyone feel uncomfortable going to a nursing home to visit a parent?

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I was hoping I could keep my mother out of a nursing home but I am too young to retire and I don't have the skill to take care of her, nor is my single wide mobile home sufficient. Anyway she fell on February 7th and the EMTs came and took her to the hospital. On Feb 10th she was moved to a nursing home. I was able to talk to her then. I tried calling her on Sat the 11th and Sunday the 12th and finally talked to her that night but she was different. The I went to visit her on Wednesday and she had really changed in less than a week. I've been there a couple other times and some of my friends have gone to visit her. It really spooks me to go to the nursing home, to see my mother deteriorate and not be able to talk to her and to see her so disoriented in such a short time.

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Try to go in with a positive attitude before you visit. Check with the nursing staff when you visit to see how her day is going. You can still have quality visits together-bring in a memory book and reminisce about "the good old days". You can read to her, get a take out dinner from her favorite restaurant and have a picnic together in the new facility, go to a facility activity together like Bingo or Church. The transition may be difficult at first for both of you. Remember that there are many caring staff members that devote their careers to residents in long term care. Visit often and share any concerns you have with appropriate staff members. Maybe have a volunteer from chuch come in to visit her for extra support. Hope some of these ideas are helpful to you.
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Earthquake, I would ask if your mother is on haldol, serequell or reperidol and what the dose is. If she is, ask if the dosage can be reduced. My mother was put on resperidol and was on .5 mg. After a week and a half and with some lost sleep, she was totally cuckoo, so last night she was to get only .25 of the drug. I am hoping she will be more lucid today. Being in an unfamiliar environment can cause dementia to suddenly worsen, and the disease itself does worsen, in my experience, dramatically at times only to improve as suddenly. It is a heartbreaking phenomenon to witness.
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EarthQuake, I never personally had to experience just yet for one of my mom or dad in a NH. However, we did have an uncle in one and yes, it can be depression looking sometimes. Not sure mom is AZ but their are different stages and that can play a role and she could be on some medicine as well. I would ask the head nurse what all is she on and if this is normal. I notice for my mnl can be very confused during the late evening hours and between the time 2 -4 pm is for some reason her argumental mood. Not all the time but most of the time. So, I'm not sure your mom has AZ which can have different effects depending on the person and their health. I would ask the head nurse and find out what she is on and if that is the cause of her actions. If she just their due to the fall and its the meds then, I hope she recovers real soon so she can be back at home.

Janetakachappy mention to do our research about the different NH and I think that is great advice for I have checked on NH and some have had bad reportings and very few here in my area have good ratings. It such a shame for it seems that the worker get burned out too and they must take it out on the elders for they cannot defend for themselves. I think that those who are in a NH should be re-evaulated to keep an check on their stress level and to give them some emotional and destressor support at work. This would help the employees remember why they are their in the first place. Which is to care for the elders who cannot help themselves and it could possibley help the elders feel more relaxed in a different enviornment and it could give them a sense of dignity, love and respect.
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Debhuitt, she stated that your mom, "she will not listen to any of my suggestions," and that pretty much your two sisters have left. It seems your mom don't won't any help or why would she refuse your suggestions? You mention that, "your two sisters have removed themselves from the situation," and maybe they see that it no use being the mom is so adamant?
Can she afford to put him in a NH if you try and talk to her that she has done all she can and that you are very proud of her doing what she has for him, but, now it may seem a time for him to be in a place where medical staff are their to assist him. Maybe she can still go their to help him out some at a NH. Maybe someone else will have a more helpful solution to help you out but all you can do is talk to your mom and you can only do so much as well. Maybe she will listen to someone else that would recommend having him place in a NH like a social worker or the lady that done the assessment. Just a thought.
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Yesterday I went to visit my mother. I'm not sure she knew me. I walked into her room and she was sitting on her bed staring at the floor. "Mother, I'm here" I said. She stared at the floor. Then she glared at me. "Want some water." I got here some water. Then she said, "I wanna walk on one foot." I said, "I can't walk on one foot. "I wanna learn to walk on one foot." Then she said, "I wanna walk to the bathroom. I wanna walk on one foot." The CNA was busy with my mother's roommate so I found a couple of technicians who could help my mother. They got here to lie down on the bed to change her diaper. "No! No!" she wailed. "You don't understand what I want! I wanna walk on one foot!" What is happening to my mother. It was just last month we were able to have some rational conversations. I've never seen anyone lose their mind so fast.
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Well mom is into her 4th week of rehab and hospitals, she's been back and forth. She is so angry with me that I won't take her full time into my home to live with me. I have tried to explain to her that I can't physically take care of her needs, she refuses to hear it. I'm the daughter and that's just the way it should be according to her. I work full time and have one brother who she expects literally nothing of, not even for him to visit, as "he works". You can't make this stuff up, I've spoken to the social workers at the hospital and have suggested that either 24/7 livin in care would be needed or possibly a nursing home. Mom is just shutting me down completely. My husband who has had the patience of a saint with her has just about had enough, he doesn't want to visit her anymore either. I've stayed away for 2 days and last night got a sobbing phone call asking why I wasn't there. Not looking for any answers, just venting.
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puckmomma, it is ok to vent! I am glad that you and your husband are making it alright. Her missing not having any control over you to do her bidding is her monkey not yours. It is sad that she chooses to be sneakingly mean, very passive aggressive sounding.

Nope, it does not get any easier to see them decline. My mother continues to get very confused about what season of the year it is and has these delusions of going on trips that she's not gone on in years, plus thinks because of those delusions that she can go to yard sales on Saturday as if she totally forgets that she cannot walk, nor has she walked in almost 3 years now, nor can function in a wheel chair. She used to be so in control and so controlling of me as a child through my years in college and it upset her when I let her know that I was putting my wife ahead of her. In many ways dealing with my MIL has been like dealing with my controlling mother who did not want her daughter to get married. I'm glad that my wife got her freedom and that I have mine. Basically, we come into this world weak and helpless and we leave this life weak and helpless.
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It is very difficult to see your family member in that state. My mom has also changed too. I do not find it hard to see her but hard to say goodbye when I leave. She was very stubborn her whole life and now since the morphine she gets very confused, always want constant attention from the nursing staff and is very mean and hurtful sometimes. What I mean is she will sometimes pretend to act confused for attention and when I catch her up on it... Well she acts just like normal... I am not the only one who noticed it either.

She would always use her "house" as a way for me to take care of her and do her bidding and now that my husband and I are making it alright she is very jelous over not having any control anymore and very sneakingly mean.

Sorry to get off subject... just venting.... it does not get any easier.
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I remember how I felt when I first visited a NH in the '80's. The smell, the "screamers" (all NH have them - severely disoriented or demented people), and the occasional aide who's having a bad day and being abrupt with her patients. They are (mostly) better now, but it all goes along with the territory.
I gather that part of your guilt is there because you do love her and want to care for her. YOU ARE! Once your mother recovers from her fall and subsequent disorientation she may become more herself. At that time, usually within 3 months (and, by the way, that's all Medicare will pay for) she may be able to go to an assisted living facility or even home with hired caregiver help. The latter choice is the least expensive of the three and no matter where she is you will still be the one making sure she gets the proper care. Whatever caused the fall in the first place could happen again and no matter where she is - home, AL or NH she could fall again. If falling is the only problem it needs to be addressed directly, it is not cause to place one in a NH.
For now, with a little "attitude adjustment" on your part, visit her as much as you can. Go to the garden, or for walks (in her wheelchair if she has one), or to listen to the entertainment they bring in. Take chocolates (cookies, peanuts, whatever) a reward for both of you, and share with the staff. They will remember you and they know how difficult it is for you. If she doesn't respond to you she might be angry (you did the only thing you could do), or more likely she may be under the effects of some medication or combination of meds. Likely, she still looks forward to your visits and a change from the daily routine. Talk to her personal physician to get your questions answered about meds, cause of the fall, prognosis.
Yes, it's hard. I worked as a therapist in NHs for awhile and it took me a little time before I could walk in the door looking forward to the people I would interact with and not notice the unpleasant things. Hang in there and know lots of us care.
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I understand and feel for all of those who are not used to seeing a parent in a rehab/nursing home environment, especially a dementia care unit. I was that person a few weeks ago. My mother had one fall too many, was taken to the hospital and after a week quickly (too quickly) placed in a dementia unit of a nursing home for rehab.

This facility insisted on putting her on an anti-psychotic drug for agitation. Everyone is on one of the three drugs. There's a screamer on the floor - a drugged person who sleeps most of time but has bouts of screaming when she wakes up. It is unsettling to all the residents. The atmosphere is institutional, not at all homey, and the music and TV are on LOUD all the time. Residents are not allowed in their rooms alone except to sleep, so they cannot escape the noise.

Needless to say, I arranged for a transfer to another place which, although a locked unit, allows the residents to wander and go back to their room alone when quiet time is needed. The atmosphere is homey, lots of overstuffed chairs, a beautiful dining room and lots of therapy - PT, art, music, etc., all paid for by medicare and supplemental insurance. They take no "screamers," people with behavioral problems and will take my mother off her anti-psychotic drug if at all possible. At first she was "cuckoo" on the drug, but after about a week has regained her lucidity. Apparently, this is a common phenomenon with these drugs.

My mother will, hopefully, come home once she has gained maximum Physical Therapy benefit from the new place. I wish you the best of luck!!
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