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I have been taking care of my mother for 18 months with vascular dementia. Prior to this I took care of my Dad during the last 18 months of his life with brain cancer. I still work full time in the health care field and that does not make caretaking any easier. I have reached my limit (probably surpassed it). I have had caretakers with her for 12 hour shifts when I am gone but as she has accused everyone of pilfering, no one stays. I have found a nice ALF home to accept her that is an Eden alternative. However, the drive is 1.5 hours away. Benadryl does not touch her nor does melatonin. She is on the Seroquel but that does not last. She does not wish to leave her home. I have been accused of lying to her, stealing her spoons and red sweaters, as well as other things. She also has visual hallucinations which are also peppered in throughout the day. I am exhausted and plan on moving her in there in 2 weeks. Any ideas?

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I am here POA so what do you mean by additional help to get her to the ALF by being her POA?
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I feel so much for your choice and decision of having to take your mom to an ALF. My brother just took my mother and although I did not want her to go, I am glad that I am not the one who had to take her. That was my dilema when I wanted to bring my mom with me but I couldn't force her and she has dementia with hallucinations and audible voices. She wouldn't take her Seroquel like she should. My brother talked to my mom and told her that her quality of care would increase and that she could have social interactions. The entire family kept saying the whole thing to her and eventually she said that was her reason for going. It is very expensive and I don't know what's going to happen so I worry about when her money runs out. Will she even qualify for a NH? My mom didn't want to leave and it was upsetting to her. I would suggest though that you not stay any additional days at the ALF and return home and plan to visit in a week or so she can have time to adjust. Getting her medicated before she leaves, my mom takes Xanax for anxiety too, you may can get her doctor to give her something under the circumstances to transport her. I don't know if you have POA because if so you can get additional help to get her to the ALF.
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This is so difficult - I feel for you. If she doesn't want to leave her home there probably aren't any words that will be comforting. I have neighbors who had to deal with having to bring their mother to a facility and there were four siblings involved. She would not listen to any of them and truly needed care that only a facility could provide. Unfortunately, the only thing they could do was to sedate her so that she would cooperate.

Perhaps her doctor can prescribe something strong enough. I've never dealt with this situation, but in other situations social workers had recommended telling the elderly person what they call a "fiblet"- it is basically telling them a fib in order for them to cooperate. Or a version of the truth.

What if your friend drove and your mother sat up front with them? And you sit in the back; so you wouldn't have to talk too much and they could just talk about other things. I've had to do this with my mother under certain circumstances and found it easier not to be sittting right beside her in the car as that way she would be somewhat distracted and wouldn't have me in the "hot seat" so to speak. She would give me a hard time about things, but not someone else, such as a friend. Hugs to you and hope things work out.
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I do have a friend who is willing to help me transport her and I can increase her Seroquel. Not sure if that will be enough, however. What can I say to her, if anything, that will help along the way?
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Wow. That is a challenge. Is somekind of medical transport an option, where someone else can do the driving and you can sit with her and reassure her things are going to be OK? Or can someone else drive, with you in the backseat with Mom? Or you drive and someone else sit with her? I don't think I'd want to make that journey alone with her!

Is increasing her seroquel on a one-time basis an option?

My heart goes out to both of you.
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