My siblings are being vicious to me right under my dad's radar. He is accusing me of hating them. How do I get out of this toxic environment?

I am living with my sick 82yr old father all alone. My two sisters literally hate me, and always have even long before dad got sick. They always accused me of being the "favorite" which is somewhat true, especially with my mother who died at the age of 46 on my 26th birthday! I am 52, and they are 50 and 42!!!! Imagine women of this age behaving this way? My mother was the glue of the family keeping things barely together when she was alive. After she passed they came at me with a vengeance. Over the years I tried everything I could to try to win their love, but no matter what I tried it was never enough. They both called me when they needed my creative help. I am an artist, and am multi talented. Everytime they needed me I'd jump thinking it was an opportunity to win them. I am disabled, and was born that way. I can get around, but not without a lot of pain. Through years of therapy I now understand that there will never be that fantasy bond I yearned for all those years, and am just fine with that. When dad passes I will not contact them at all. My door will always be open with love, not service but love should they have an epiphony, but I will not seek it ever again. I now understand that they live in unhappy lives of hell. They almost never come to visit our father, and when they do are chomping at the bit to leave. When we do have to be in each others presence though they are like a mean gang of vicious cheerleaders, even bringing their spouses into the attack. My father wears his rose colored glasses of denial, and their torture goes on right under his nose. I have told him why I go out often when I know they are coming over, but he accuses me of being hateful to them!!!!!!! The one daughter who loves him, and cares for him daily with absolutely no support he blames!!!! I have tried to tell him the truth, even going as far as to take him to one of my therapy appointments, but has gone back to his own beliefs. I, and my therapist have repeatedly tried to get together to work things out if for nothing else but the happiness of my father. My therapist has called each of them four times and requested family meetings, and I have asked at lease six or seven times. We have been met with firm "no's". Still my father blames me of not forgiving them!!!! I have in fact forgiven them, and am able to see them as hurt little girls. My major problem here is that I have been living in a negative toxic environment for five long years now with no real escape. Because there is no one else who would share his care I am stuck in hell here. I have no spouse with me to help either so I am completely alone. I do go out when I can, but know it is only a bandaid, and I'll have to go home to my prison of hatred. Prior to my fathers illness I did not see much of them. I was able to avoid their negative presence, and only surrounded myself with the light of wonderful friends and my horses. I gave up my last horse two years to be here for my father. I gave up my freedom for him, and they both know I would never leave. He has no dementia, and does go out when he feels well. The nature of his illness is not that of a bed ridden dying man even though he is dying...slowly. He cannot however do any shopping, cleaning or cooking, and has frequent falls, bleeds from dialysis and has mini heart attacks and mini strokes. I have to call 911 at least once every two months. His Dr. said he's like a house of cards, and the least little thing could kill him at any time. He has come close to dying several times from different things, and has already way outlived what his Dr.'s expected with his numerous fatal diseases. How do I deal with this situation which is making me age rapidly, and physically and emotionally very sick? Even the one person who I never thought would turn on me, my father, has. I just want to leave, and see how the two selfish grudge holders would manage doing my job! Any suggestions? I really do need solutions that do NOT include a nursing home. I would NEVER do it, and he does not need that type of care. Thanks all for reading this loooooooong diatribe! LOVE and LIGHT

Answers 1 to 10 of 25
I feel for you. Being ganged upon is no fun. My relatives have done that to me, but my mom chose me. Well, they dropped her first after not being able to turn her against me. Your sisters probably feel guilty because they are not doing their share of caregiving, or they don't want to get asked to do anything that will cramp their style. Sometimes we have to "let them go". We can't beat ourselves up for what they choose to do and treat you. Just know that you are doing your best. I'm sorry that your father is falling for it. You sure he isn't failing mentally? Does he understand what you do for him? My mom is so sweet she thanks me all the time for everything I do for her, which makes me want to do the best job and make her as happy as I can. Can you ask your Dad why this is and tell him it is hurting you? What are their gripes anyway? Why and how do they pick on you?
Thank you so much for you kind reply of support. No, my father is not failing mentally, but I do believe he feels a lot of guilt himself for feeling like he failed them. My middle sister and he fought constantly for almost all her life. She was always in trouble when she was young, and he actually confided in me many times long ago about what a problem she was to both he and my mother. When my mother died, my younger sister was only 15 and needed him. He was so grief stricken, that he did not do his job as a parent to help get her help. He was emotionally unavailable.for her, and has told me he feels guilty for not being there for her. The problem for me is his rewriting of history and making me the villian. Unlike my sisters I never had one single problem with my father prior to living here, and his illness. I would not feel right bringing up the ugly truth, and putting it in his face. It very well be the last conversation I have with him, and I would feel terrible if that happened. So, they all get away with punishing me including him. If he had didn't have his full mental faculties I wouldn't care, but he's as sharp as a tack. He is being just plain mean, and ungrateful. I am having a new symptom which is scaring me a bit. I am unable to wake up in the mornings! I take him to dialysis three days a week at 5:30am. I am so exhausted that I am akmost falling asleep behind the wheel on my way back! I get home, and go right back to bed and find myself in a trance like sleep that I can't seem to wake from. I'm getting up at 12:00!!!! On the days he doesn't go, I sleep till about 10:00. I feel so so crappy, and depressed when I finally do wake up. I feel trapped in a poison jail cell that I can't escape from even if I tried. My love, dedication and loyalty keep me here exposed to pure poison! They meanly bitch about every aspect of his healthcare, and choice of Dr.'s. They punish me for their past hatred because they know they can. They know I am stuck here and can'y get away! They tell my two aunts (his sisters) that I have done things I haven't. Example: I put up a Christmas tree last year and asked them to come decorate it for dad. Not only did they say "no", but when I went to get our family decorations they were gone! When I asked for them back a war ensued against me for asking! She even took a poem my mom had written for the three of us and put in the tree the year she died!!!! The hitch is that that sister lived with my father in his house her whole life till five yrs ago. Even when she got married, she, her daughter and husband lived there! I asked dad to come live with me (I had a horse farm in the country), but he refused saying it was too far out for his liking. He wanted to stay in his own home, and had become comfortable living with them. Five years 7yrs ago they bought his house with the intention of owning it, and fixing it up. They said they would make him a nice private living quarter. My dad sold it to them for $120.000 (WAY under it's value) thinking he would live happily there in his own home forever. Two years later, after redoing the kitchen only (tiny kitchen), they announced they were buying a $700.000 home, and were selling dads house for $350.000!!!!!! Well, because he's so generous he allowed it to happen! He was going to get another house, but wanted his own house back. Because I was the only single one, it was a given that I would live here, which I was happy to do. When I found out whay they'd done I told her how terrible it was. A mistake for sure, but keep in mind she had always been a cruel opportunist, and had always treated me like crap unless she wanted something. That started the real war all those years back. My younger sister has been angry since the day my mother died, so the two of them shared their common anger and jealousy of me. There is way way way too much to write. They resent me for going away to art school after high school on full scholorship, and living an exciting life . I spent my life in the visual, performing and equestrian arts living all over the country. They never left this town, and had no life at all. So.....
Wow! They are mean! Did they make money off your dads home? I think what you are feeling with being tired is caregiver stress and the stress of your hateful sisters. Stress can cause havoc with your health. I just wish there is some way to get to your Dad to see how this is upsetting the one who does for him. Is there someone he respects that can intervene and talk to him about his treatment of you? I would just write off the sibs when something does happen to your Dad, you are better off without that toxin in your life. They sound like a bunch of lying theives. Hugs to you!
Oh, thank you for understanding! I needed that more than you could ever know. I went out tonight for a little while, and did some real thinking about it. I came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what any of them do or think, including my father. My job here is very clear, and an opportunity given to me to grow. My father was a great one always, and for whatever reason he is choosing to believe this crap does not matter. I need to just stay on track, and do my job caring for him. I will however make a point of getting out much more than I was. If the house isn't perfect, so be it. If I don't feel like cooking I'll make him a sandwich. If he complains I'll say it's the best I can do today. I need to live more of my life, and less of his. He can get to the kitchen, bathroom and rest of the house with no problem. When he feels good he even drives!!! I think I have put way too much responsibility onto myself. I'm just going to let them all be shits if they want, and just love and care for him the best I can. I will shut my mouth, and shut my feelings of hurt. This will not be forever, and when it's over I will be able to get away from their negativity and leave them with each other. Oh...yes, my sister and her husband made $125.000 on the sale of the house to their own father. They announced last week that they are getting divorced! Good timing eh??? Theives? Way worse than that. Heartless ruthless theives is more like it. I want nothing to do with them after he goes. I would never choose friends like them, so why should I tolerate them? Blood does not equal family. Family is those who love, and care for you unconditionally. They are many incarnations from understanding that concept. Just having someone like you, a total stranger who does not even know me understand, and support has healed me a little today. Thank you my Dec.5th angel!!! LOVE and HUGS to YOU!!!!!
Hey, I feel your pain. Just know you are better than them. And please do take time for yourself while you still can. Your Dad may be ill but he could get a lot more dependent on you as time goes on and that will really stress you out.
Sorry, but I'd like to slap your sisters. I know the kind...but hey there is still "karma". And maybe the divorce is the beginning of it. You can write to me anytime...this board is great. I don't post as much as I should, but your story hit a note with me. I ususally read and realize that I don't have it half as bad as some. It really helps you put things in perspective. Sometimes I want to vent, but usually after reading I feel better. Keep your spirits up and know that their are others that care - you are right about family. My friends are the family I picked. It was hard to let it go, we're talking over 10 years ago the whole thing blew up - but I am finally at peace with the fact that they are selfish, liars and greedy. It took my daughter not wanting her kids to be around them (because of their smoking, drinking and the f bombs) that they may be family but not what I want to influence my grandkids.
So do what you said...love your Dad and know that you are doing the right thing. I just wish he would change toward you. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a sweet loving mother that is so appreciative. Love and hugs back. And to all us unselfish caregivers who are giving up our freedom, life and health to make someones end of life better and happier.
I am in a similar situation and understand the hurt that comes with being the criticized adult child while being the caregiver. My mother favors my siblings who do not always do things in her best interest. I also avoid family gatherings and have tried to have family meetings to smooth things out. I started counseling today to learn how to deal with this situation as well as other family issues. I can also relate to the forgiveness issue. I have forgiven my siblings, and will respond with love if they visit, but no longer seek relationships. You are not alone in wanting to run away but understanding that you can't. Please vent with us when you need to. It is the only way I have survived so far. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
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Oh..... This feels so great! Finally there are others who "get it". I am sorry for you all too for having this burden with not enough support. It would be such a pleasure to care for him if things were different with my family. If only my father believed in me it would be fine. He has been really mean acusing me of being "hateful", and the cause of bad relations. I have decided to no longer go to ant family functions, or stay in this house when they visit. My father will be angry, but that's too bad. I have always been a good daughter to him, and up until now have never had bad words with him. He is in denial about everything including his health situation. I will cotinue to live here, and care for him to the best of my ability. However I need to now care for myself, and I am choosing to do so. I will no longer allow any of them including him make me sick. He should count his lucky stars I've been here to give him the wonderful care I have. Thanks guys SO very much!!! LOVE
Dear End, I too, know the pain of bad siblings. They are the favorites and I am the "bad" one. Been that way a long time, sorry to say. Just remember I am there for you as much as I can be through a computer.
And . . I am here for you Brandy!!!! That is the point of this site. We need to keep strong through common experience. I already love this place, and have already been helped by it. I will work to help everyone else. LOVE TO ALL YOU ANGELS . . . Do not let anything bring you down! We are a strong group. The angels are backing us up . . . hang in there, and reach out for help like I did!
Endofmyrope, if you're looking for permission to ignore your sisters and just concentrate on taking care of your dad, then permission granted. Like you said before, you didn't have much to do with them after your mom died, so just let them go. When your dad accuses you of 'not forgiving' them, you tell him that you have. Period. Don't allow to be sucked into this yo yo thing you have going with him. He has his own demons that he has to deal with, and that's why he's putting it on you. But you already knew that didn't you? So do what you have to do, get out of the house and find a good church somewhere, and get involved in something other than the drama that you can't fix. Life is too short. You know what they say, 'you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose'. I should add... we can't pick our families either. Good luck to ya.

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