My siblings are being vicious to me right under my dad's radar. He is accusing me of hating them. How do I get out of this toxic environment?

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I am living with my sick 82yr old father all alone. My two sisters literally hate me, and always have even long before dad got sick. They always accused me of being the "favorite" which is somewhat true, especially with my mother who died at the age of 46 on my 26th birthday! I am 52, and they are 50 and 42!!!! Imagine women of this age behaving this way? My mother was the glue of the family keeping things barely together when she was alive. After she passed they came at me with a vengeance. Over the years I tried everything I could to try to win their love, but no matter what I tried it was never enough. They both called me when they needed my creative help. I am an artist, and am multi talented. Everytime they needed me I'd jump thinking it was an opportunity to win them. I am disabled, and was born that way. I can get around, but not without a lot of pain. Through years of therapy I now understand that there will never be that fantasy bond I yearned for all those years, and am just fine with that. When dad passes I will not contact them at all. My door will always be open with love, not service but love should they have an epiphony, but I will not seek it ever again. I now understand that they live in unhappy lives of hell. They almost never come to visit our father, and when they do are chomping at the bit to leave. When we do have to be in each others presence though they are like a mean gang of vicious cheerleaders, even bringing their spouses into the attack. My father wears his rose colored glasses of denial, and their torture goes on right under his nose. I have told him why I go out often when I know they are coming over, but he accuses me of being hateful to them!!!!!!! The one daughter who loves him, and cares for him daily with absolutely no support he blames!!!! I have tried to tell him the truth, even going as far as to take him to one of my therapy appointments, but has gone back to his own beliefs. I, and my therapist have repeatedly tried to get together to work things out if for nothing else but the happiness of my father. My therapist has called each of them four times and requested family meetings, and I have asked at lease six or seven times. We have been met with firm "no's". Still my father blames me of not forgiving them!!!! I have in fact forgiven them, and am able to see them as hurt little girls. My major problem here is that I have been living in a negative toxic environment for five long years now with no real escape. Because there is no one else who would share his care I am stuck in hell here. I have no spouse with me to help either so I am completely alone. I do go out when I can, but know it is only a bandaid, and I'll have to go home to my prison of hatred. Prior to my fathers illness I did not see much of them. I was able to avoid their negative presence, and only surrounded myself with the light of wonderful friends and my horses. I gave up my last horse two years to be here for my father. I gave up my freedom for him, and they both know I would never leave. He has no dementia, and does go out when he feels well. The nature of his illness is not that of a bed ridden dying man even though he is dying...slowly. He cannot however do any shopping, cleaning or cooking, and has frequent falls, bleeds from dialysis and has mini heart attacks and mini strokes. I have to call 911 at least once every two months. His Dr. said he's like a house of cards, and the least little thing could kill him at any time. He has come close to dying several times from different things, and has already way outlived what his Dr.'s expected with his numerous fatal diseases. How do I deal with this situation which is making me age rapidly, and physically and emotionally very sick? Even the one person who I never thought would turn on me, my father, has. I just want to leave, and see how the two selfish grudge holders would manage doing my job! Any suggestions? I really do need solutions that do NOT include a nursing home. I would NEVER do it, and he does not need that type of care. Thanks all for reading this loooooooong diatribe! LOVE and LIGHT

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Hi End,
I have somewhat of a similar story to you. I'm an artist also, eldest of siblings.
I had tons of responsibilities place upon me as a kid because of this, and my parents worked all the time. Even though this was the set up, I was not either of their chosen one. My sister became my dad's. My mom, had her own sister who she was so bonded up to, and mom really seems to have always also favored my sis & two bros. We've the gender thing big time in our family. But yes the similarity I find here in my situation to yours, is that no matter what, when certain people are favored, it's very unfair the invalidation we feel on account of this. But yes in your case your father is not acknowledging the sacrifices made by yourself. This dynamics he has in place, of w/your other siblings is complete denial by him, I know this story it's happened to me. My dad w/have completed 11 yrs. gone this March. After he passed I knew immediately by the things going on in my family unit that I'd not been selected, nor designated to play a major role in any of my mom's eventually declining health (she has Alzheimer's). My sister is designated driver in this area. She lives there w/her, etc. My sister is oh so capable, and takes care of bs. on this end. But truth be told she's a big control freak. I visit, and have relieved her, here and there. But I've been moral support to her, and do other leg work, say like get info. about mom's condition. But anyway reason I brought all of this up, is that I read that your dad sounds pretty mobile, I mean if he can still tend to himself and drive. This is great! So please, it's a good idea that you get out, socialize, during his independence. Yes, and if it's a sandwich, when it's time to eat, rather than spaghetti bolognesa, well that's what it is. I think sometimes we as family members have to remember to put the brakes by overly demanding people also.
My sister has recently been in this situation, also w/mom's sister, who was a very difficult person. So sis has been in charge of mom & the sister (she died a week ago), RIP. Now I won't go into her story, because one could write a new Rocky Horror Movie about that. But e.g., my sister in the beginning of doing caregiving was making all these involved menus for them, but each and every time my mom's sister would very nastily say, she didn't like it, couldn't eat it, etc. Finally, this became less as my sis finally realized she couldn't do it all and ultimately had to put some more caregiving in place. I finally told my sister, "you must stop setting yourself up in terms of allowing our aunt to behave as if she was at a restaurant and like my sister was supposed to be her waitress. Mom never has given her this problem. She's really low maintenance. But anyway, I was just wondering whether your dad is in a situation, also that he can have someone come in and cook for him. Anyway, these are things for you to consider, especially as he advances in age. Oh! and I totally get it, about family who doesn't behave like family. One of our brothers acts like this, just interested in the elders money, or what they may leave for him & his kids. They who hardly ever have lifted a finger to come and REALLY do some of the work involved when it comes to elder care! O.K., I hope I made you laugh, this is real big w/me, the humor thing. A super big hug, Love & Light, Margeaux
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Woot you do it...I learn to ignore them and I do not care what either half thinks anymore ...I am too busy taking care of my husband and children....I try to help but cuz I am open and see or like read ppl speak the truth...i live with shafted end and the name calling; being accused of being insensitive....why do our parents raise us if there is only one they cherish above others or 2...why do we have to compete just to be recognized were grown ups and capable taking on the same toll and struggle that parents did but in even more depressing aspects. I battle depression and grief over a family member and normal depression due to the stress I have been since my husband lost his job and got his ssdi and I have been looking and looking for work and then I recieve a letter from our case manager stating that I can be terminated at any time...That doesnt make me happy but i have to get that signed and mailed asap...I have to get dinner started so the kids can go to bed and I can see what hubby needs are and get ready to fax my timesheet on Monday so I can get another check ...Peace n God Bless
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Great, RLP! Praying for your continued success and peace. xoxo
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I have found the last few answers interesting due to the way they indicate so many of us are going through the same experiences. I am in counseling that I began to help me lower my stress levels in order to improve my physical health. However, the issues we face as caregivers have been our main discussion topics during sessions. I have learned my counselor has similar sibling issues, too. She and I have decided that the family we create for ourselves is what we are focusing on at this time. We are having minimal contact with people who are energy vampires - people who just wear us out whenever we interact with them. We are nurturing our relationships with people that want to be true friends. I am trying to follow this plan and believe I am a much better caregiver as a result. My mother's anxieties must have fed off my repressed feelings, and I am now sharing minor, non-family concerns with her when I feel like she can give suggestions for a solution. She loves to be needed and frequently shares great solutions. I do not discuss my siblings with her unless I just listen or have something very positive to say. I am just beginning to be able to use these skills and will have to work at this plan. However, I feel more positive about life. I agree with endofmyrope's statement that blood does not make family. I value all of my friends at agingcare!
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Thank you Keysey! Yes, I have real sisters who are blessings. Blood does not make family. Hang in there my sister!
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Hey. Glad to see you found the strength to stand up to your siblings. I have one sister and she is a lot older than me so I never had the sister relationship. One thing I have found is other women, close friends, that fill that longing in me. Maybe you have someone like that? God bless you and I'm so proud of you. Keep on keeping on.
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Hi guys,

Sorry it took me so long to reply, but I got sick with a bad cold, and dad was doing especially poorly as well. I am really sorry for all of you who are dealing with this same hell. It totally SUCKS.

A strange thing happened. My middle sister, the most vicious and ringleader, is getting divorced and losing her "McMansion". Her husband was the BEST guy a woman could have. He waiter on her every need and want. He workrd like a dog all day, then came home and did all the cleaning and cooking in this MASSIVE house he bought for her. She does not work, and spent every day shopping, going to salons and having cosmetic procedures including plastic surgeries. Over the last four years she had two nose jobs, two boob jobs, tummy tuck, cheek implants, permanent eyeliner tatooed on her lids, laser resurfacing, and endless botox, lip fillers etc. She spent money faster than this guy could make it. Of course he contributed to their crumbling relatuonship of 18yrs, but in counseling he begged her forgiveness for his part (which wasn't near what she did to him!). She just could never forgive him. She doesn't forgive anyone which is why there was so much trouble with this situation with me as dads caregiver. She blames me for "mom and dad favored you, and it wasn't fair"!!! She dwells on what a "bad life she's had" when in fact she has always been a huge mean trouble maker, and my parents never favored one over all three of us. Well, karma is a cruel, and swift entity. She sadly has zero inner peace, and feels entitled to act it out on everyone.

In the past she'd call and be all sisterly because she needed something; always and only when she needed something from me. I ALWAYS went running foolishly thinking "maybe this will be the thing to bridge the rift". Well, like clockwork as soon as I was done with her bidding I'd be dismissed, and not hear from her till she needed something else. You all must be thinking how stupid I was for not having her "number" a long time ago, but you must understand that my mom died young, and there were only the three of us girls. I desperately wanted that "sisterly closeness and love". Foolish . . . ABSOLUTELY, but I was not enlightened at the time. I was born with many serious disabilities which I still suffer from. These terrible three years have strengthened me incredibly. Of course I also found a superb two years ago who helped me with my post traumatic syndrome going back to age 3 1/2. By learning myself I've been able to see them clearly, and forgive them. The greatest gift though is that I learned how to stand on my own two feet, and need NO ONE to make me feel safe. My sister is completely falling apart, and has no knowledge how to survive on her own. Who has she run to? ME, as usual. I have given her my ear, and even wisdom because that is me. I would give that to anyone who is suffering. The difference is I will never become engrossed in her life, nor try to make her happy or win her love. She is a sad user who just takes, and takes, and takes. Imagine, after 4 years of her vicious treatment of me, and refusing to mend the rift she runs to ME!!!!!!!! That is the behavior of a sad lost 50 year old woman who hates herself. I will always keep my door open to her for she is my sister, as I will the other little stinging "wasp"!

The truth is that the only way to stability and happiness lies right inside us. This Caregiving is such a gift even though it's like hell, but nothing good is free. It is a blessing, and opportunity to really learn who and what you are. It teaches strength beyond what noncaregivers will never know, and we will be greatly rewarded when it's over. Actually, we should all feel rewarded right now fo we are doing Gods work by making out parents comfortable, and safe 24/7. We make sure they have everything they want (within our abilities), and need. We are giving them love every day. Yes we get pissed, tired, depressed, stressed, financially burdened, sacrifice our personal lives etc., but think of the blessing you are to the ones who raised, and gave you the gift of life. I'm proud of every single one of you, and so is "God", or whatever you to be your highes power.

Bitch away here friends. Let it all out to those who "get it". That's what this site is for; venting, sharing, supporting and offering helpful tips to help each other survive it. We're all sharing this painful job called "caregiver". It's a blessing in disguise!

LOVE TO ALL
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EDDIE IF ONLY I COULD I HAVE TRY SO MUCH TO MOVE ON, BUT I FEEL FOR SO MANY YEARS THAT I HAVE TAKEN CARE OF MY MOTHER THAT ALL THOSE YEARS SEEM TO HAVE BEEN WASTED AS SHE NEEDS ME MORE THAN EVER AND THE SIBLINGS ARE AT THERE WORST AS I SAY IT AS IT IS, AND THEY HATE LISTENING TO THE TRUTH. AFTER SHE IS GONE THERE WILL BE SO MANY TEARS BUT NOT ME AS I WILL HAVE NONE LEFT, I HAVE CRIED SO MUCH. THERE BE NO POINT IN CRYING AFTER SHE IS GONE I KEEP SAYING THIS TO THEM THEY DONT LIKE TO LISTEN TO IT BUT ITS TRUE. IT WOULD HELP IF I HAD FRIENDS BUT IM ALONE I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING FROM GOING TO CHURCH JOINING ALL SORTS OF GROUPS, BUT CANT ANY CARERS.
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END:

Nancy made great points. If you're always going to get the short end of the stick, why not move on with your life? That is, unless you're bent on getting the last laugh out of this life-long sibling rivalry.
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hi i relate with you so much and feel sorry for you. i have similar problems myself.except my mother lives with my vicious sister in law and i have cared for my mother with the constant travelling back and fro. my siblings are the same as yours. im sitting here with tears running down my eyes as i read. i dont have any friends any more and i hhave stopped trying to get any. i just wished we could all get to together and support each other in a real social way. anyway i will write again. maybe we can meet. though i live in london it would be great if there was a site like this in the uk but i cant find one. any take care of yourself. i have just started after always looking out for my mother first and neglecting myself. no more i will also start looking after myself first. lots of love bye for now xxx
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