How do you know when it’s time to place a loved one in assisted living or nursing home?

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Mom has had dementia for 2 years now and is only 66. She sees and hears things that aren't happening. She asked me for help and I drove with intentions of bringing her home. She spanked me and attacked me, and told me I wasn't old enough to tell her what to do. Shes changed so much. Shes lost 40 pounds but eats plenty. They have put her in hospital to have her evaluated. Im so confused cause she tells me one thing but does another.
I am trying to decide if an asissted living will work or a nursing home.
She refuses to take meds. Im an only child and have to do alone. Please help....

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Be firm. Tell them what they need to hear not what they want to hear. Don't be there 24/7. Don't be their lapdogs. Sounds callous, it's more callous to allow them to call the shots and demand all your time and effort. Loving your love one does not mean you have to become a servitude for them.
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Debrasue you've already gone above and beyond, it's not wrong for your mother to be cared for by those best suited to meet her needs. It is not a sin not to be the person to do that. I'm very sorry about the loss of your dog, please set the burden of your mother down and give yourself time to be.
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Debrasue, you will not be killing your mom by putting her in a 5 star care center. But you might be killing your own health if you continue the way things are. I am very sorry that you have so much family tension to deal with, on top of all you do for mom.
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Tomorrow the doctor will decide whether to place my mom in a nursing home. My niece was staying with her on Sat, night and sister went over Sunday morn mom woke up acting strange, Bobbie called 911 moms sugar was 33. She is now not only wetting her depends but soiling them as we'll. we have been taking care of her for the past year 24/7. She has pulmonary fibrosis and oxygen 24/7 for past two years with dementia. She is so mean to me since I am her giardian that I have to stay in another room when I am there. We are on two days on and two days off schedule with other two sisters not helping and one sister only visiting and threading to beat the hell out of both of use. Court today and judge threading to appoint public guardian. Felt like a slap in the face. Am I wrong to place my mom in a nursing home? I am on Xanax 3x a day now along with antidepressants, Bobbie had a blood clot behind her eye and gets shots in her eye each month. Almost lost her vision in that eye because of her blood pressure shooting up to 200 . Mom just keeps saying she wants to stay home. She and evil sister were actually making fun of me as I helped nurse clean poop off mom in the hospital. I was gagging. I can't stand this anymore. I have diabetes and fibromyalgia and have been the sole grocerey shopper, doctor appt. transportation, etc for the past 16 years. I am tired and don't know my husband anymore. On top of it all this I had to put down my 14 year old beloved dog on Saturday. Please God help me. I cry all the time. I am scared that I may be killing my mom putting her into a home even though the home rated five stars out of five and my husband has two cousins who work there. Help
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I have an 87 year old aunt, no children, she is my godmother and we have always been very close even though I lived 4 hours away. It got to a point where she could no longer live in her house. We were fearful of falling, she was not eating, very lonely and depressed. Moved her into assisted living not far from her house, she hated it from day one. No one came to see her, no one talked to her, etc. etc. Moved in with her sister, that lasted one month. She hated it, they wouldn't talk to her, etc. Moved her closer to me in an apartment, that lasted 3 months, she hated it - no one around to talk to,etc. Lastly I moved her to assisted living near me and as expected she hates it - wants to move back to where she used to live (4 hours away) because she knows the streets and can walk places. I feel so bad for her. I know she is in a good place, we visit her at least once a week, pick her up at least once a week, talk to her everyday. She won't participate in daily activities. Every day she tells me how she has to get out of there, hates it, will never like it. Says she always feels better when I come and get her. Her depression is now causing me to be depressed and I don't know what to do. I think I am going to set up an appointment with the facility psychologist and see what he thinks. She is on paxil for depression and what I don't want is for him to drug her. Has anyone else had problems with a loved one that isn't happy no matter where they are living?
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My mother has been diagnosed with Dementia several years now. I have 3 other siblings and she has either accused us all of stealing, beating and a lot of other cruel intensions towards her. She is sat this point now where she is in the home with my Oldest brother [ an Alcoholic] and myself [ with Bipolarism 1 and Epilepsy as well as Manic depression]. I had a husband of 22 years and 2 children in the home up until mother moved back here and things progressed so rapidly that I lost my family. I rarely see any of them and can not even have my friends or Elders & Church Home Teachers in the home around her anymore. She is 74 now and reached the point of being hateful and violent with everyone around her. She constantly smokes cigarettes while on oxygen [24/7 when she is made to wear it]. I no longer have a chance to eat, sleep or even bathe anymore. All our time is spent trying to take the best care we can of her but it has reached the point of no return to a normal life. Doctors are trying to put me in a Mental Facility because my health has overwhealmed my mind and body so bad. I don't know where to turn. Her Doctor knows how bad she is but has never mentioned trying to help us find any answers on what to do now. My Older sister works and has no time for mother. My Younger brother, she has acussed him of stealing so many times and tried to have him arrested just for coming over here many times. She calls the law on all of us if we have sommething outside this life at home that must be done and aren't around her for 5 minutes. I am always getting thoughts of ending my life. I dont want to see this happen but something has to be done to better the life of my mother. She was never a hateful violent person & always put her children 1st. I thought I could do this but I have realized I can't continue like this if I want any kind of life left at the age of 50. Please give me some advise to help.
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My mother is almost 88 and is an extremely negative, self pity, angry woman. We moved her to the city we live in 3 years ago, 2 years after my dad passed away. When we moved her here I discussed with her the fact that I work and could not be with her all the time. The senior living apartments we found for her had all types of activities, they went shopping once a week and to lunch once a week. She agreed that when she moved there she would get involved with some of those activities. After moving there she totally became isolated, only seeing the other residents when she went to breakfast and dinner in the dining room (which they were required to do). She refused to join in any of the activities, trips or lunch outings. After a year living there she said she hated living there and wanted to move to a duplex where she could cook her own food and not have people around her all the time. My concern with that was if she moved where there wasn't other people around she would become totally isolated and never see anyone except when I could get by there, and again I work. She has now been in the duplex about a year and a half and just what I suspected has become reality. She never sees anyone, she refuses to get invovled in any senior centers or activities at church. She only wants to be involved with me and my family. Even though I work I have been taking off work for all her doctor appointments which have been a lot in the past three months due to gallbladder issues resulting finally in her gallbladder being removed. Not only that but I have had to have spinal fusion just last week and I simply cannot keep taking off work to take her to every single appointment she needs to go to. I checked into some In Home services and they offer transportation to appointments with an LPN and she will take notes during the doctor's visit. They also offer a service for an aid to come out and take my mom shopping and to lunch or whatever she prefers doing. I have mentioned this service to my mother because I am unable to drive right now and after I go back to work I have no more time to take off for appointments. She got so angry with me and absolutely refuses to accept anyone taking her anywhere except me. She has become so demanding that I just really don not know what to do. She would prefer living in our house but with her being the negative, controlling person she is we simply could not live with her in the same house. I have mentioned her moving back to the senior living apartment but she refuses. She is in good health and is capable of doing almost anything she wants but she has it in her head that she is very sick and cannot do anything without us being right with her. HELP!!! I do not know how to handle this and it is starting to affect my health.
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Update on my Aunt. She has been in assiting living in a memory unit since November. I have to say it was the best decision I ever made, and it was the best decision for her own sake. Now I can take care of her financial needs, while professionals take care of her medical needs. I cannot emphasize enough how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I also cannot emphasize how she is in better health and mind since she's been there.

I thought her adjustment period would be extremely overwhelming, and she would have a hard time getting use to where she was staying. In fact, the opposite happened. A person who can think rationally and has a healthy mind would be nervous or sad about leaving their home. We set up my Aunt's room just like her bedroom at home. She adjusted to her stay in a matter of 48 hours. She still thinks she is in Virginia, just down the street from her own home, when in fact she is in North Carolina, 3 hours away.

Now, when I say her health and mind is better, I am not trying to give the notion that she is recoverying from Alzheimers. We all know that's not possible. However, she is now getting 3 full, nutritious meals daily. She is not alone during any period of time. She interacts with the staff there, and they are all her "friends" as she calls them. I will say she does not interact with the patients, but in her condition, she is still at a lower stage of Alzheimers than they are. Her medicaid pays for physical therapy, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. She participates when volunteers come to sing, dance, and put on plays for the patients. She is still reclusive like she was at home, but now she is forced to be a part of life. Before, she stayed in her bedroom, only getting up when her home health person came to stay with her for 6 hours. Now, she has full time care. She is 15 minutes away from me, and I can go see her anytime I want. I can take her out to dinner, or I can bring her dinner, and we can eat in a private room. She still has memory problems, and she has better days than others. The most important thing is that now, she is not a danger to herself or to others.

For the lady above who has to have the mother in law in her home, I know your stress. I couldn't be around my Aunt for more than 24 hours. I know it sounds cruel, but dealing with someone who has dementia and alzheimers is about the same as dealing with a mentally handicapped child. You do realize how stressful it is to take care of an elderly person until you are actually the one doing it. You also have to think, in an assisted livign facilyt, you have many many people taking care of the elderly. Not just one person. So how can you expect to live your life, have a healthy marriage, take care of your own children, go to work, and take care of an aging and senile family member? It's not possible. You will crack. It will destroy your life. It's the hard truth of the matter.

For the husband that wants to take care of his mother, the best thing he could do is put her in the care of a home. He needs to understand easing his own mind to take care of her himself is not really taking care of her. He can find her a good place to stay, where professionals will really take care of her, and he can still go see her.

I am speaking from the point of view of a person who had to take care of everything for my Aunt. I can tell you, my stress levels are much lower, and my Aunt is happier where she is now. It may hurt to take her out of her home, but you also have to think, "home" in her mind is no longer the home she once had.
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Prior to being married, my husband had two houses. In one of the houses he mother lived there. My husband and I was aware of his mother's short term memory was getting worse. she is 82 years old now. At that time his finance was getting worse, so he needed to sell that house. We got married in 2008, everything was fine. He was continue to drown in debt, so his conclusion was to sell the house one year after we were married. We have two children, 8 and 4. I work part-time and my husband works full time. My husband has two sisters, one that lives 40 mins away from us and the other lives in california. After selling the house, his mother moved in with us. Now it has been 3 years since she's been with us. her memory has been getting worse. We had her evaluated and she has been diagnosed with senile dementia. I have been telling my husband he needs to consider putting his mother in a assisted living facility. He refuses because he "feels his mother is his responsibility". His mother is like a child sometimes. She's is like a burden on this marriage and my husband refuses to acknowlegde it. His sister does not help in any way. She rarely comes and get her mother, because she claims she needs to travel because she's an hairdresser. My husband and I argue a lot because I think his mother should be among people like her in a facility that can help her. My husband does not spend any time with her. I have gotten to the point of thinking about separation because I'm tired of his mother living her with us. Sometimes i feel that most of this is on me because my husband works mostly at night and his mother bugs me all the time and im tired of it. I dont know what to do. please some advise. I love my husband, but my sanity and patience are almost gone.
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I was always told by some family and friends that I would know when I was ready to put my mother in the nursing home. My husband and children said I should have done it over a year ago, but I just couldn't.

My husband and I lived with mother, in her 80's, with dementia getting worse, diabetes, seizures, bad balance, and very rude and irritable to me and started not long ago toward my husband and daughter

For me, the day came and I knew it was the day. Mother had been on a terrible week of trying to run away, telling our friends to call the police on us, not wanting to take her insulin or medicines, throwing things at us, etc. We put latches high up on our doors so we wouldn't worry about her leaving at night. It was just a nightmare.

Well, when she wouldn't get out of the bed to eat breakfast that morning. My daughter was here visiting and I had her help me wrestle mother to take her insulin, which was 40. I brought her juice to drink and she wouldn't. So, I realized that was it. She won't let me help her and she won't help herself. The nursing home would help her.

I told mother if she didn't get up I was calling the ambulance and she said for me to call them. I called them and the next call was to my brother to tell him she was going to the hospital, be admitted to stay however long it is in order to go to the nursing home. My brother built the nursing home and he said he would call the owner and tell him and they did have an empty room.

So, she stayed in the hospital 5 days and went straight to the nursing home. It wasn't easy on me either. She cried for me when I left her that night and the following nights. But, I did realize she could not come back home anymore. Her dementia was so bad she wouldn't let me help her anymore.

She was in the nursing home 3 months and went down fast, but she was well taken care of. She was clean, hair washed, looked pretty, had her medicines, shots, good food to eat (I was helping feed her more). She was getting good care.

She died a little over a week ago with pneumonia.

I wish I could have cared for her at home, but the time got here where I could not. So, when you feel like you cannot help her, it's time. And, for your own health, too, and your relationship with your family. My health got bad and my family has bad problems over it. I hate all that. But, I just couldn't let go of my mother. But, I ended up having to do so for her own good anyway.

God bless you on your decision. It isn't easy, but you have to do what's best for you and your marriage and your family and what is best for you loved one.
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