How do you know when it's time for your elderly parent with dementia to go to a nursing home?

This is interesting. My sister and I have been assisting my father in caring for my mother. You maybe could get an attorney and apply for guardianship, which I think would override a poa. A person is supposed to sign a poa or health care poa when they are competent. If your brother had your mother sign a form after her dementia diagnosis, that may be illegal.

Wow, this scenario is just like mine, except with my dad. I am going to follow this if you don't mind, because I am in a similar situation, only difference is, I am taking dad home after a short term stay, even though the nursing home says he should stay long term. I have to try one more time, my dad is like your mom, everyday asking when he can go home, and he cries. He knows our family everytime we come, goes to the bathroom himself, just needs assistance with showering and getting around a bit. Just want to let you know, you are not alone in this situation.

For those of you with POA problems and having second siblings that wracking havoc with your parents, there is but one place to honestly go for real assistance; an Elder Care Attorney. There are many out there and before you go looking for one, I highly suggest that you learn more about them, as they specialize in various types of elder care. You want one that has expertise in many areas!
As a retired special needs advocate, I've seen this happen time and time again, and it's always nasty, usually winds up in court, if your sibling hires an attorney, if the two of you and your attorney's cannot work it out via mediation (which is much cheaper BTW!)
Nine times out of ten, it's due to property or money. It's never easy and you must have your ducks in a roll. Make certain you have any and all documentation that you can get your hands on, along with dates and facts! Some larger cities due offer pro-bono or reduced rates. You just need to check in your area.
One last thing; if you go this route, make certain you maintain a calendar of your own of who, when and where and how you spoke with someone, including the attorney. Reason: your loved one is the only one that matters regardless of how busy someone is, but be respectful.
You'll win more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.
PS I am the only family member caring for my elderly father, mother, husband, grand daughter and daughter who recently had to undergo a radical double mastectomy, at the age of 33, due to invasive ductile carcinoma. I totally understand your stress levels. That's why I'm retired and because I have so many people that I have to care for that rely on me to "make it all better!"

Depending upon the state in which you live, it might or might not be illegal. There is something called "a moment of sanity." With is, you must prove that your mother did not have a moment of sanity and only her doctor would be able to produce that.

I just want to continue this as I am in the same boat except my mother is already in the nursing home by my brother who says she is staying .She my mother eats and goes to the bath room on her own she knows me as soon as I walk in the door .What would be guide lines for her to stay their as she gets dehydraded with PEPSI COLA as my brother does not keep water handy for her to get use to and at her age that is important .My brother has the power of attorney .Can i over rode this in any poor persons way and take care of her as she thinks she is going home soon every time I go and see her and the nursing home seems to me to only want her stay because of my brother and mother or to take her home from us
Johnny T.

For me personally, the answer is never. I cared for my grandmother in my home for years during her long goodbye with Alzheimer's and Parkinsons. When I was born, my mother was sick and she helped care for us both. My family cared for me when I was growing up, when I was a helpless baby and I never let them down by sending them to assisted living or nursing homes. I realize not everyone is equally unselfish but I have never regretted it.

There i no tall tale sign you just know in your gut.

BTW, there is an excellent book out there that helps you know when your loved one requires more care than you "alone" can provide, it's called,
"The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss," by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins. It's currently in it's 5th edition and was given to me by my father neurologist when he was diagnosed with dementia. It's paperback, less than $11 and an easy read!

Yes, there are 2 sides to a poa, and as you can see, you are seeing the bad side - no one to make the poa accountable. I agree, the guardianship is accountable to a higher court and reduces the "power" of the guardian, but in the case of an out of control poa, one may have to resort to a higher power to reign them in.

I hear a lot of guilt here. If our loved ones need a nursing facility, that should be the priority, right? Forget the family feuds and one upness that siblings have. It does no one any good. It is the care of our loved ones that is and should be foremost, not what we think they might be thinking or suffering about. If they need the nursing facility, let the guilt and sibling rivalry go and help the loved one realize the need. Put all your energy into positive thoughts and attitudes for him/her and realize that this is a good place. These professionals do good work. God bless you, my friend.