How do you know when it's time for your elderly parent with dementia to go to a nursing home?

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I hear a lot of guilt here. If our loved ones need a nursing facility, that should be the priority, right? Forget the family feuds and one upness that siblings have. It does no one any good. It is the care of our loved ones that is and should be foremost, not what we think they might be thinking or suffering about. If they need the nursing facility, let the guilt and sibling rivalry go and help the loved one realize the need. Put all your energy into positive thoughts and attitudes for him/her and realize that this is a good place. These professionals do good work. God bless you, my friend.
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I am answering this because I totally screwed up with my wonderful mother and didn't realize my mistakes until later, and I have to live with them now. Maybe I can help someone else to not make the mistakes I made. Although I did not have POA, durable or health care, I was very influential regarding my mother's care because I was the one who was able to go see her and to stay for significant amounts of time in her assisted living community. I would go visit, help her with all her tasks, run errands, shop for her (which is always a problem for those who can't drive), and give her lots of love. Here was my mistake: I did virtually everything for her, so it appeared that all was well, but it was not. I did not observe her taking care of herself, and she simply could not do it. My doing her tasks masked the terrible problems she was having. Also, I didn't observe her taking her medications, and she wasn't taking them properly. An overdose of sleeping pills caused her to fall and really caused her death. Afterwards, I found out from her neighbors in the community that she couldn't take care of herself. I didn't even know. You can't imagine how awful I felt. So...my suggestion is to let your elder relative do what he or she would normally do and OBSERVE how they do it. My mother needed to be in a more restrictive setting, and I could have recommended that to my family, but I didn't even know. I hope this keeps others from making the same mistake. My ignorance contributed to my mother's death. Also, I should have had the nurses administering her meds; she was no longer competent. I hope this helps. The answer for me was so simple, but I didn't see the forest for the trees.
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Yes, there are 2 sides to a poa, and as you can see, you are seeing the bad side - no one to make the poa accountable. I agree, the guardianship is accountable to a higher court and reduces the "power" of the guardian, but in the case of an out of control poa, one may have to resort to a higher power to reign them in.
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Thanks for a no non sence answer as I am looking into this for my personal rights involed in a case like this as I am in need to know my rights as personly my brother moved out and moved his son in can I involve myself and move him out and me in as a dorect as the second son in line here as he has put my mother into a nuring home and one of their main subjects is taking her home from us as my brother who has POA does not seem to care and lied about the bills and other things and used my contious to get money that she actual paid .I did pay each month by check and noted it for my mothers home on it now all I need is money's and an honest attorney in this field.
Thanks again
Johnny T.
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Depending upon the state in which you live, it might or might not be illegal. There is something called "a moment of sanity." With is, you must prove that your mother did not have a moment of sanity and only her doctor would be able to produce that.
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No a POA is much better than guardianship because you have total unlimited power over the finances and medical decision making. Source-
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This is interesting. My sister and I have been assisting my father in caring for my mother. You maybe could get an attorney and apply for guardianship, which I think would override a poa. A person is supposed to sign a poa or health care poa when they are competent. If your brother had your mother sign a form after her dementia diagnosis, that may be illegal.
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BTW, there is an excellent book out there that helps you know when your loved one requires more care than you "alone" can provide, it's called,
"The 36-Hour Day: A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Related Dementias, and Memory Loss," by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins. It's currently in it's 5th edition and was given to me by my father neurologist when he was diagnosed with dementia. It's paperback, less than $11 and an easy read!
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There i no tall tale sign you just know in your gut.
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For those of you with POA problems and having second siblings that wracking havoc with your parents, there is but one place to honestly go for real assistance; an Elder Care Attorney. There are many out there and before you go looking for one, I highly suggest that you learn more about them, as they specialize in various types of elder care. You want one that has expertise in many areas!
As a retired special needs advocate, I've seen this happen time and time again, and it's always nasty, usually winds up in court, if your sibling hires an attorney, if the two of you and your attorney's cannot work it out via mediation (which is much cheaper BTW!)
Nine times out of ten, it's due to property or money. It's never easy and you must have your ducks in a roll. Make certain you have any and all documentation that you can get your hands on, along with dates and facts! Some larger cities due offer pro-bono or reduced rates. You just need to check in your area.
One last thing; if you go this route, make certain you maintain a calendar of your own of who, when and where and how you spoke with someone, including the attorney. Reason: your loved one is the only one that matters regardless of how busy someone is, but be respectful.
You'll win more flies with honey than you will with vinegar.
PS I am the only family member caring for my elderly father, mother, husband, grand daughter and daughter who recently had to undergo a radical double mastectomy, at the age of 33, due to invasive ductile carcinoma. I totally understand your stress levels. That's why I'm retired and because I have so many people that I have to care for that rely on me to "make it all better!"
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