Did anyone think of how long they would be caring for their loved one at home before they started?

Asked by

Answers 1 to 10 of 30
I never expected it would continue as long. I am not handling it as well because it is so hard watching mom do her thing because it’s her life not mine.
Her memory is short! I do know that what she says it at the moment but she gets so mad at me because I say she should be back on the oxygen after two cigarettes. Some days she realizes it others she fights it. I have told her that I will have to stop buying her cigarettes.
I know I am the person buying them but she said she will have someone else get them for her.
I am going insane inside because I feel that I am the person that has allowed her to smoke to this point. She said she doesn’t want her children taking her cig. But that it will be ok when she goes into a nursing home. That is a line of bull shit.
I don’t know what her own choice is or is she playing games with me when she says she doesn’t remember.
I am not good for this job because I cannot turn my head and ignore what she is doing any longer.
I have to put an end to it or I will be going with her into a nursing home only the mental ward for me.
It’s either get someone in there or get her into nursing care. I cannot keep putting myself through this hell! There are no nursing home that have room for her right now and sis is reluctant about makeing that move anyway.

Yes, my father's case manager made certain I understood how long it could be. My mother is still mobile and relatively independent. I am considering the fact that she and I will be together for the "long haul" and have started finding people to provide respite care and a kindly listening ear. The issue that try to remember is that taking care of elders was just a part of family life until around 90 years ago. My grandmothers took care of their mothers. My mother and I share many common interests, and I hope that both of us can explore them. The long term care I give to my mother may be the very care I need in 30 years. I am going to try to turn this into something good.
This is Rebecca again. If your mother is driving you crazy, confront your doctor with what the experience is doing to you. It is amazing how fast they can find room at a nursing home if pushed a little. Anyway, my great-grandmother who was born in the 1880's, had to be placed in a nursing home because she was just plain MEAN. So, not every situation is the same and ask for help from doctors, nurses, case managers, and DFACS until you find what both of you need. Best Wishes!
Most caregivers believe their commitment will be around a year, while in reality it averages about 7 years. So the answer is yes, it is alot longer than many thought. While I love the the ideals of RLP, the reality for most is very different. 90 years ago families were very large living in small communities. Sharing the responsibilities of caregiving can energize and be the focus of a family, being isolated and alone has the extreme opposite affect. It sounds like you need some help.
I was kind of "eased" into it, for want of a better word, but mom has not made it any easier. I really had to make a change of location for other reasons, including a more affordable place for my own retirement than where I was, when I arrived mom was still pretty mobile, but that did not mean that I had a lot of time to myself. While my dad was alive she had a focus for her neediness, when he died and I moved back here to "look after" her, she had to change focus - me. I was suddenly 12 years old again, and please don't get all warm and fuzzy about me always being her "baby", it is demeaning and insulting (I was 58 when I arrived and used to living on my own, I am now 68 with a few medical problems of my own), because you do not know the extent she carried her neediness, which was to the extream. As time went on she slid farther downhill, though I always wonder how long she could have been mobile if it had not been for me to order around, I think she would have been a lot longer. Anyway, she has been fairly incapacitated for about 2 years now, she will not take physical therapy to give her limbs any strength, content to let me do it with criticism. In short, I was last able to get away for a vacation in '03, and not much hope of ever getting away again. No, there is no one else to help. She keeps having bad times in which she has to stay in hospital for a few days, but she keeps on keepin' on - she is 94 now. To answer the question, I did not know how long it was going to be for, I bought the house from her and promised her a place to live for her lifetime, so that ws OK, but not only did I not consider the time but the conditions under which I was to serve my time.
Smoking around oxygen can be an explosive situation, as you more than likely know! My 80 year-old mother, a smoker with COPD and on oxygen, lived (quite miserably) for 5 years, going downhill steadily, but only once burning a hole in her oxygen tube, thankfully. If your mom lives with you, advise family & friends not to bring cigarettes to her -- and screen every visitor for contraband cigarettes. So what if you are labeled intrusive, insensitive and an ogre, she's complicating her health problems, compromising your sanity, and putting the house at risk of fire. That said, cigarettes are so addictive, at least to some people, that your mother will be miserable, belligerent, threatening, inventive and sneaky if you do insist she quit smoking while living with you. Just hold steady, don't argue, weather the storm. Nothing, from cold turkey to patches, gum and Chantix, helped wean my mother off nicotine. Your mother may be the same. But you are responsible for keeping the property safe for everyone.
BTW, are there nursing/retirement 'homes' that offer adult day-care in your area where your mother might spend a day or two each week? Maybe private home-care places, which you can check out before using. Check with local hospice organizations for information or suggestions. Nursing homes can be satisfactory permanent living arrangements, especially if you live nearby and stay involved with your mother's care plan. Since your sister is reluctant to move your mother to a facility, split the lodging & care duties with her; if her house is unsuitable, arrange for her to regularly take your mother on simple outings for a few hours a week. Sounds like your mother is experiencing dementia, too -- which is not uncommon among elderly smokers, who are on oxygen because they are not getting enough oxygen to the brain.
I agree with so much of what everyone is saying. Each situation is unique and you have to create your boundaries based on your needs. My father's situation was an unexpected serious illness which is very different from the day-to-day care my mother needs. I am already arranging for respite care for myself, people who can sit with Mom for short periods of time, and someone who can allow me to have an
out-of-town vacation. I am doing this because of what I have read on this forum. My mother drives my husband crazy, so I hope I can spare him the majority of her care unless she is truly ill like my father became. He does not have parents who are still living. I just think we have to select what might work for us as we read suggestions from each other.
No I didn't. I figured 6 months or so. Its been a little over a year,and was wondering what I had gotten myself into after the first month. When I read the average is 7 my heart sinks. And no, there is no way out of my situation at least. All I can do is pray for mercy. Strength. Mine is elder is 86 post stroke. Typical diabetes, hypertension. Probably a getting dementia,although this would be very early as I notice it, but people who come visit don't. I hope things get better for you.and for DT. Its the same kinda, I promised to take care of her so she didn't have to go to a nursing home. The living arrangments are such that things can't be changed because of decisions made on the thinking of this is only temporary. Not knowing how permanant temporary can be somtimes.
I brought my Mom to my home 6 years ago, thinking she only had a few years to go. Well we don't know do we. I think I did well the first 3 years or so. But this last year has been rough. I now realize the toll its has taken on me and my marriage. So now I am doing something about it because complaining doesn't fix it. Siblings try but they can't fix it either, they can help but I am the one to make plans. I now have an agency that supplies me with reliable sitters one time a week. Mom pays for this. And I just found a daycare program in a local assisted living facility and within the next few weeks I plan starting out with a few hours maybe one to two days a week, then if all goes well maybe two or three full days. The fee for this is by the hour and very reasonable. I am very blessed at this point that Mom can afford this and it will keep her in my home for a little longer. I think its all about having a plan, not to far into the future but maybe just a few months at a time. I will like to say "God Bless the Caregivers" You are all so special"

Share your answer

Please enter your Answer

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support