My husband has terminal metastatic prostate cancer with about 6 months to live. How do I deal with his family?

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this difficult time. Maybe sending them letters/emails expressing your desire to have them in their Dad's life at this point. Sometimes it is hard to take that first step toward reconcilliation but I have always felt the one who reaches out first reaps the best reward. You would be opening doors to bringing the whole family together again. They are probably feeling the same deep down and just don't know how to deal with what is happening. Let them know how much it would mean to their Dad and you for them to make the effort to call and/or visit more often.

Would it be possible to have some kind of low key family weekend? Or maybe one family a weekend could come visit. If they are close enough..it could even be just a day trip.

This is not time to let personal feelings and past hurts get in the way; it is a time of mending and being together for each other. Time to open those hearts and arms!

I wish you all the best. Gob bless!

I also have family that does not stay in contact or does anything to help me. I am my mothers full time caretaker, I decided it was best just to cut off all contact as the stress of the whole thing was more than I could handle, I take care of her myself and hire respite caretakers to come in for a couple of hours from time to time, will keep you in my prayers.

also in your case since it is terminal, hospice will come in free of charge to provide you with care and give you time for your self, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Some people just don't have any compassion or empathy, I decided those kind of people are just not worth my time, God will take care of everything, I truely beleive this, God Bless and take care

I'm very sorry that they feel you are taking care of everything, so why step up to the plate and get more involved. Try something. Go to www.hacres and read the testimonials. Many 100's of people have healed themselves of prostrate cancer, among almost every problem we have in this world. It's just common sense. Let your relatives deal with it in their way. You know what you have done for this man. Sleep good at night your reward will come. Take care of yourself too, one day at a time.

If your husband is capable to handle his own affairs, encourage him to have all his wishes and after life care documented prior to informing any children. Secondly, if he is unable to communicate or is reluctant to do so, you write a letter to your sons and inform them of their fathers medical condition. It should be in their place to inform "their children". Not yours since it appears you have a rather distant relationship with them. Information coming from you will be better for all than you not telling your sons or for them to learn through the grapevine. You may ask a friend to help youwrite a letter as I think you are not looking forward to this task.

FIL and I reached out…..
When FIL was ill (he knew he was terminal and didn't tell me) He sat down with me asked the same question. He so wanted to see his sons, he reached out to them by asking them to help with the paperwork (changing the deed to a living trust ect.) they told him no. I think because they didn't believe he was dying (a little bit of a hypochondriac over the years) . He asked me if he should offer to pay them for their visits? He suggested 50.00 each per. I was mortified he felt he had to go that way. He knew we (myself, my husband and the brothers)don’t get along, so he asked me to talk to them and squelch any bad feelings. We reached out to them. When he didn't die after their first visit they became accusatory with me ( as if I manipulated them). The sadness I feel was (is) ridiculous. I was so hurt, vengefully; I got on the phone and explained, he was so upset about their lack of interest he was willing to pay for their visits. Their reply...How much? He died 2 weeks later. They hate me. I feel sorry for them.
Hopefully in your situation you can suggest they arrange their vacations and/or long weekends in your area. Get "Skype” a computer video chat. The sons and grand kids can update you both on the daily adventures (sounds like they are a busy bunch) Even face book can help. I realize they are older but if they actually see him they might realize something they don’t over the phone. Best buy, Geek squad can help you with the setup.
But beware....I tried this with MIL and I had to deal with her dissappointment when they never called back..... Good luck!

I would contact the sons and grandchildren and explain that your husband is ill and requires a visit with ongoing phone calls to him for the remainder of his life.
If they remain self absorbed it will lead to little or no contact but if even one of these folks steps up he will be happier.

The use of Skype can assist but sitting with an ill person holding their hand, giving them a hug or a kiss on the forehead when they are down can't be
made up for by technology. Just being there to reassure lessens pain and grants the ill person a peace of mind. Your presence in his life I am sure does all of this.

Good luck --I hope one of his relatives steps up but send out the notification and let God soften their hearts to do the right thing for their father, grandfather.

Elizabeth

I believe in keeping family informed. I send emails about things that I feel are important that they know. I am usually not looking for a response, but I to give my siblings a chance to respond if they want to. I recently was surprised when my aunt died. One brother stepped up with his family and went to the funeral with us. His wife drove the entire rainy trip and his children helped my mother with everything. And my brother paid for most of the trip. My mother had said not to bother them with it about my aunt dying. I am glad that I did because it gave my siblings a chance to respond. If a family is kept out of the loop, it's not their fault when they don't step up.

I am so sorry to hear this - you have a hard road ahead. You may not hear from your husband's family now, but believe me, you certainly will when it comes to what they feel they are entitled to !! Don't be squeamish - Make sure all legal loose ends are tied up now and that you are well taken care of financially. I know things are hectic for you right now, but don't forget to look after yourself. Your husband's family will not have your best interests at heart when it comes to the nitty gritty. Best of luck - I hope everything will be resolved satisfactorily and that your husband has a peaceful journey to the end of his life. My thoughts are with you.

Patakins,

I am sorry you are going through this and it is awful, but it is not just family that does these kinds of actions. My mom attended the same church for over 40 years, all of the people she knew from that time that are still around do not call or come for a visit either and they are old enough to know better. Today, people are too absorbed in their own lives to think about others.

I would notify each family member of the situation and say that he would love to hear from them a bit more frequently. If after this point, they do not put forth the effort then the guilt they will feel after the fact is their issue.

I am not trying to be cruel by any means, but I am dealing with a similar situation with my mom and have been except my mom doesn't have a terminal cancer. My mom has 3 brothers and 6 sisters living, she hears from 2 sisters every now and then. She was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I said something about telling her siblings and she told me no. I was allowed to tell the 2 that called, but none of the rest. My mom said it won't make a difference to them, they still will not call me. So it is my husband, myself and mom as we forge forward through this disease. I know I am doing the right thing and I do not worry about the rest.

I have 3 siblings, of which 2 will call their own mother once every 4 - 6 weeks if she get lucky and 2 of her own grandchildren won't talk to her by phone but about once a year if she gets lucky.

So I have learned to tell them what they need to know and the return action is up to them. You cannot make them pick up the phone and call, hold onto the memories the two of you have, stay positive, make more happy memories and they can answer for their actions someday. Remember they will be old or sick one, who is going to call them. So keep a stiff upper lip and remember there are others out there that go through the same thing and we are here to support each other.

Again, I am truly sorry they are treating you that way.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it can be stressful and overwhelming at the same time. I believe giving the situation to God. He is a loving God and He knows your pain and what you are going through. He is willing to walk by your side and give you comfort and strength during this time if you just let Him. He has not forgotten you or your husband. Will you just turn your life over to Him and let Him take care of everything? Just say a simple prayer: " Lord, I ask you to forgive my sins, I believe you died on the cross for me and I ask you to save my soul and to take over this situation. Give me your strength, courage, comfort and wisdom on how to handle this. I can't do this without you. I need you Lord. Write my name in the Lamb's book of life and help me. In Jesus name. Amen." Reading the Bible helps with comfort also. Start with reading the book of Psalms. God will help you through this if you let Him! Get your husband to say the above prayer also and the two of you read the book of Psalms together it will give him comfort as well. Do this daily and look to the Lord for guidance. He loves us sooo much and He wants to help. God Bless you both.

My husband has three adult kids and two grandchildren. I did not break up the marriage, he was single for 15 years. His ex/kids was extremely upset when he married me, I am 23 yrs younger than him. We have 2 sons together, have been together over 21 years, one is 16 the other 19. All his relatives including his kids were selfish in my opinion, I reached out when our kids were babies/toddlers and told them I would like them in our kids lives. Before the kids, you never heard from them unless they needed money. I told them, you cant and I wont allow you to manipulate my kids lives (by not being consistant with love, visits, phone calls), you are either "in" or "out" of their lives, but I would love if you were "in" Well, instead of that, they took an inventory of our home and they told thier mother what we "had"...things like a radio for example..yes, a nice radio, and the boat that my husband was trying to rebuilt with plaid moldy seat covers became a "yacht"..so when I was pregnant with my second child, she wanted an increase in alimony. Now keep in mind, I was about 8 mo pregnant. And our income had gone down, not up..and this woman ruined her health through smoking marjuana and swigging tons of alcohol. Anyway, after this display of stupidity they are now cut off. Do I wish they would be in my sons lives? I sure do. Thier dads life? sure..but they are more trouble than they are worth. I wanted to include his brother and his other family, but they had no interest. His brother who is wealthy has not seen our kids since they were two and four. He is wealthy, gives to charities, sails, and travels to Europe with his wife. My husband has invited them over and over while the kids were growing up and they are always "busy"..it took awhile to figure it out...but he eventually did. So as a result my boys grew up without anyone on his side of the family. My family except my mom is deceased. I told my kids, they do have relatives on my husbands side, but I told them the truth about the situation. But I told them that people grow and change, and they should feel free to reach out, but if they get rejected, its not them,, its his family. I do feel bad as my kids were missing, aunts, uncles, cousins, half sibs..their whole lives. But my point is they did make a choice. I will respect my husbands feelings if he is terminal or something regarding them. Somehow, I dont think HE will be there for THEM!

This may not apply in your family situation, but in my friend's family, there was a lot of unaddressed pain when their dad entered into a relationship after their mom died. Their formerly involved dad was completely absorbed by the new love in his life. The kids did some early reaching out, as did dad's new wife, but never connected well. They sadly grew apart, and see each other only for major holidays and weddings. The feelings are still there on their part though.
If this in any way could possibly apply to your situation, I'd encourage you to offer some space for your husband's children to spend time with him alone. It sounds like there's no love lost between you and they, but for your husband's sake, give it a try. He deserves to connect with his family before it's too late. You could call one of them and say you have to go out of town for a couple of days (or all day, if you don't want them staying in your home). Ask one of them to come stay with him while you're gone.

I guess I would share the information regardless and also avail yourself of the help of Hospice, as they are very practiced at helping in these situations, and I would talk to a counselor or minister, if you have one, about this. You after all will be the one dealing with whatever fallout occurs when he is gone.
I feel the same way about a number of my and my husband's collective six kids. I think OUR generation, as parents who went through divorces and remarriages, dealt with huge guilt issues and 'apologized way too much' to them, even if we did everything in our power to be good parents, give them opportunities for education, etc. We sucked up a lot of our own suffering and didn't ask our parents for much. We just handled things like grown ups. Imperfect and often stressed grown ups, but still, we didn't blame our parents for everything as our kids seem to do (and admit it, we have let them) and we didn't expect them to fix things for us either.
You will need support in this process and you will need to feel strong about decisions that you make. Your husband will be gone. This is mostly for you.
God bless you all. I pray your hurts will heal as much as possible and also for wisdom to discern what to do and what is best.

I like pennyc's remark because truthfully, I don't know how my husband and I could navigate everything in our lives without faith and without giving things to God.
The thing is, as people of faith, we often feel that we need to be generous, turn the other cheek, help where we are needed and often by doing these things, we feed the dysfunction in dealing with selfish people.
I am a Stephen Minister to an elderly woman who had no kids of her own. She remarried in her 50's after her husband left her for another, much younger woman. To this day, this lady still feels (not guilt) but how disappointed her mother would be to know that divorce was so much a part of her life (the man she remarried was also divorced, and he had kids). This woman's step children, now in their 40's and 50's were raised mostly by their mess of a mother and grew into 'users'; they have chronic employment issues, kids with several other people who they never bothered to get married to (of course, that was their parents' fault, since they put them 'through their divorce', etc - no accountability at all), drug addictions in one case, etc.
Although there was virtually no contact with my friend while her husband was living, as soon as he died they began to come around to 'see' her, meaning they wanted their 'inheritance' now. Their dad had left everything to his wife. But, as she is a Christian woman, she tried to help them out and did give them some money. This is when they 'renewed' a 'relationship' with her. Read that to mean, constant requests for more money. And some could argue they needed it as they had been so irresponsible in their choices all three are in constant crisis of some kind. Also, having had no kids of her own, my friend did not have anyone to leave her fairly sizable estate to. So they figured they were entitled to it.
She finally had to say no, and that's when she met with our pastor, who gave her the freedom to stop letting them use her. He asked her if she felt that this is the way God would want her to use her resources and she knew that in her gut they were just being opportunistic. They of course, no longer check in to 'see how she's doing'. Hmmm.
These are weighty issues and when you resolve to cut off a relationship or say no or do nothing in the eye of death or any other finality, support and help in working through those choices and decisions are important.

In responses to frustrated2 remarks..its good you can pick your friends isnt it? Sometimes family is really not family. Like an adoptee having a better parent who loves and supports them, versus a drug addicted selfish mother...Id rather be related in the heart to my friends or my family..blood is blood, and blood sometimes is NOT ENOUGH..

My advice is don't waste your energy and time on these people. Take care of yourself, your husband and matters that need attention to help you servive.
For 33 yrs, I have dealt with step sons that did nothing but try to split my husband and I up. I had nothing to do with their Mom and Dad's split. He married someone else between their mother and I. They have told me they can have me killed anyday ect. When I was ill in the hospital as soon as I got home one of their Bimbo wives called me and said if I died they were filing a claim against my property. I have a small farm, they are nothing to me. One of them married a wanted female off the internet. I worked all the time as a professional person. I finally told my husband they were not allowed in my home any longer. You cannot waste your time trying to make bullies like you. They wanted my husband to give them POA over him when he was going to have surgery. I worked in the medical area. He did not do it. Just tell them their Dad is ill, but don't invite trouble in. Be realistic they are not in your corner. Best of Luck

My husband was diagonsed back in Aug. that he had stage 4 lung cancer...He has 2 daughters that live within 2 miles of us - he sees them about everyother weekend for breakfast - I don't go - I want that to be their time - I always have since we have been together. He has one daughter who lives in Fl. she does not call him , she calls her sisters. His grandchildren - GOOD LUCK - don't call or anything. He has great grand children he has never seen . He does have neices and nephews that he is close to that live out of state that contact him.
But at any rate when we found out I let his family know what was going on and that without treatment he had 6 months, with maybe 1 year. Then I let them take it from there. His 2 daughters here still contact and see him, and the one in Fl. made a trip up here to see him and he was with them all for 3 days - he said they were three of the happiest days in his life - all of them together. You see due to divorce and living in different states they had lost contact for a bit and when they got back in touch he has really made an effort to stay close.
One thing we have not done is let anyone come to visit is cry or be upset. We have kept everything up beat. He has told and tells everyone that he and God will fight this...Me I have no doubt -- just don't feel in my gut that it is time.. Well, good news for anyone and reason to have hope -- we got the resutls of a CT Scan and a mass that was in his lung is gone, not trace of specks of cancer on his lungs and not sign of it in the lymph nodes. For this I give God the Glory. He will continue with the treatment and do antoher CT Scan -- I will be expecting good news again. I can not say I trust in God and have doubt at the same time. So please do not give up.....Love in Christ to All......

Patakins: I am so sorry for the terminal cancer that has now affected your husband. Concentrate on him, not his family..........as long as they all know, there isn't much else that you can do.

It is the way of the world right now, sorry to say. But I like to say that it is not the way I am. When I was in the hospital after a horrific car accident, my sister did not even send a card or come to see me. I almost died and was terribly sick and injured, yet nothing. People are just not forgiving. The art of forgiveness seems to be gone in lots of people.