How can I tell my hostile and stubborn mother she can't live alone?

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Four falls over last 1 1/2 yrs fractures in each incidence. Macular degeneration ,glaucoma, very limited vision. Hearing loss and vision loss plus extreme introversion together with a very antisocial personality leave her very isolated. Hubby does bills. grocery shopping , doc visits, prescription pickups and administering doses in pill dispensers . Her resistance to being compliant to Dr. visits, paying for some in-home help, and constant complaints about everyone and everything (especially if doc cuts back her pain pills and sleep meds) have left him mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. Her behavior in general is that of a borderline personality. Loves to attack and accuse me through Hubby of everything from turning him against her to tampering with the phone lines to prevent her from calling has gotten old and burdensome to him. No reasoning with her because "she knows"! It's crazy making !! Now she must move from California to Iowa ( hubby"s sister is willing to take her)

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I know exactly what you are going through, I hired two ladies one comes in Monday and Thursday from 2pm until 5pm, the other l ady comes in Monday-Friday 8pm until 7am. Last night was the first time the lady that stays nights stayed with her. My mom informed me this morning she did not like all these "people" coming in and out of her house. I told her (being an only child) that I had one foot in the grave already and if she did not cooperate she was going to the nursing home. Period.

I know that sounds cruel but I've been doing this for 3 years now and I'm beat. I've never been one to beat around the bush, always spoke my mind so thats what I did. Good luck to you and lots of hugs.

Jan
I hope a lot of people respond to this question - my father-in-law has been with us for 6 months since my mother-in-law died, but thinks he is able to live by himself. That would be a completely unsafe situation for him.
Cansados
My heart goes out to you and your husband. It is difficult caring for parents who are cooperative and appreciative. I can't imagine what it is like to endure what you are going through. The only question I have is was she like this as long as you have known her or is this a recent development that may be caused by her medications and the progression of her ailments? I am especially concerned about the abuse of pain and sleeping pills. Withdrawal from these medications can cause the extreme agitation that she is exhibiting. If her doctor is not aware of these mood changes and behavior, does she hide it during her appointments? This is not unusual. If so, you may need to trick her into misbehaving in the doctor's presence so that she can be referred to proper treatment and she can return to her old sweet self again. I would try to do this BEFORE you pass her along to your sister-in-law. Otherwise, there will be less chance of getting the right treatment and once your SIL discovers what she has taken on, your MIL may appear back on your doorstep in an even worse condition than she is now. Also, look for the input from others on this site. Many of us have lots of wisdom to share regarding the your situation.
You are in a very hard position and believe me I do understand. I would strongly encourage you to get an outside source ( Doctor or social worker) to tell her she has to make a change in her living situation. take care,
I can certainly understand what you are going through. My Mother in law has never been a very nice person but now that she has dementia and misplaces stuff--'someone (usually her only son, my husband) has stolen it. I am her full time caregiver. She really got mean, hitting and pushing me, biting my husband etc. I tried to get her in to see her neuro, the app. was almost 2 weeks away. She got more aggressive on a Sunday afternoon so we called the local behavior hosp. They told us to bring her in, my husband had to sign for them to keep her and run test to see if she had any medical condition that could be causing the aggression. She had a urinary tract infection, they treated that but they also started her on a med. for mood swings, usually given to people with bi polar tendencies. "Depakote". It took a couple of weeks to get the proper dosage but, she is like a different person. She still has dementia but, NOW she loves us, she appreciates all we do for her and she realizes that we are not stealing things from her that she has misplaced it. She started getting mean again so I took her and got her urine checked, she had an infection again. The Dr. prescribed antibotics and all is well again. Now when I see her disposition change I get her tested for an infection. We still have problems and I still have to do everything for her but now it's not such a miserable burden.
I would see what other options are available and you and your hubby and sil and she talk about living alone is not on the table it is either a nursing home and if she has assests it might be better for her to spend down on care for her and someone to run her errands is the sil sure she wants to take this on and why and if it does not work out then what I would have her availuated by an elder social worker -you will need someone on your side anyway then tell her what options she has and give her time to absorb this and fight like hell because she will and then do what seems the best for all.
There is no easy fix. One approach is to be consistent about suggesting the idea of moving to an Assisted Living situation on a trial basis.....The other is to just pack her up and leave the house behind.
I pretty much knew when my MIL had a UTI. She wouldn't act like her sweet self (she was more argumentative, always thought she was right, thought I put things in her toothpaste and drinks. Would spit out her pills, etc.) I always I had to convince my DPOA SIL to get her urine tested at the drs. office. The first test was usually negative, but the drs. office would send it out to a hospital lab and it would come back positive and then she would get treated for a UTI.
BTW, I don't drive or I would just take her over to the drs. office.
My MIL would want to go back to live in her house that she shared with her husband. The way I handled it was to tell her the truth. 1) She is a FALL RISK and the hospital suggested she not live by herself anymore. 2) When she moved out, she left the house to one of her grandkids and now he and his family live there. 3) You wouldn't want to displace them, would you? Sometimes, she didn't know what that meant so I said in place of that, throw them out in the streets.

I would have been on board with her going to the NH if they had tried what I suggested first. I suggested this a long time ago. My guess is the DPOA didn't want to pay for it. I just wanted to see if I was right--that she was trying to get up at night to go to the b/r and would fall and that's how she got some of the bruises. I just wanted to test my theory. I couldn't stay up all night, if I was going to take care of her during the day.

Maybe this is the best way, since she had to go to the hospital that she went directly to the NH. ...but it s*cks! Medicare will only pay for a NH if they come directly to the NH, not from a private home to NH. So, again, I ask "Why do we pay into Medicare?" There are a lot of people who cannot afford a NH and hospitals will not keep them for periods of time. More people are staying at home with Caregivers. The rule needs to be changed, BIG TIME from Direct Admit from hospital to a NH and it should also include Direct Admit from private home to a NH. Some people don't necessarily need to go to a hospital first. ...but that's the only way Medicare will pay for a NH.

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