How can I tell my family that I can no longer take care of my elderly mother, without them feeling like I just want to put her in a home?

You take a deep breath and you tell them. My sister had to tell us and it really came as no surprise. I am not able, for many of the same reasons, to take my turn with Mom, so a good Alzheimer's unit will soon be mother's home. In the interim, while we wait for a bed, home help was prescribed and my sister is getting some assistance that has made the wait more bearable for her and allowing us a bit more time for the transition. Your siblings appreciate what you CAN do and will understand or get over what you can't.

MUNIZ:

Baby, you've reached the point when your mind can't absorb what your a__ can no longer endure. The bottom line is that your mother's needs are increasing, your resources (and your sisters') are practically maxed out, and a higher level of care that none of you is able to provide on a full-time basis is required.

You all have made sacrifices, explored all possibilities, even shared the responsibility equally over the years. And from the statements you've made placing your mom in a nursing home might seem tantamount to betrayal. That's why you three must come to a decision that will benefit all, especially your mother. Whatever happens, make sure you continue to be an integral part of her life.

Just as you've shared the responsibility, now you're going to have to share -- and learn to live with -- a bittersweet pain that will never go away.
Years from now, as you rewind the tapes of your existence, you'll have the peace of mind that comes with knowing you did the best you could with what you had.

I wish you the best Muniz, and stay strong as you've always done.

-- ED

Oh, my heart just goes out to you! I was in the same situation, and I was 45 at the time. (That was 2 years ago). Mom was living with me and I had become a mess ... emotionally and physically. Mom wound up falling and breaking her shoulder, and started to decline. It was then that I had to face that I just couldn't do it anymore. My sisters and brother were more than understanding even though no one really wanted it to happen. But they could see that I was getting sick myself. It was so hard to put Mom in a care facility that I just laid around sick to my stomach for almost two weeks. She kept asking to go home and my guilt was awful. But I have to tell you this ... Mom is now safe. She is getting proper nutrition and exercise that I was unable to give her. I was so stressed that I found myself screaming at her when she did something silly, and those moments will haunt me forever. Please don't get to that point. I know that some people promise their loved ones that they won't ever put them in a care facility, but that is just not feasible. You owe your own family and yourself the attention and support that you won't be able to give if you are caring for your mother. I think you have given it all you have, and it's time for you to rest now. Let your mother go to a place where they are better able to deal with her needs then you ever will be. And know that she is SAFE and well cared for. That is what is important. Finally, be good to yourself. You have honored your mother in the past, and will be honoring her by getting her the care she needs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jmuniz, I'm wondering why you are so worried about telling them at all. Didn't you say that you'all have rotated being care takers of her for the last 6 years? Well if that's the case, I'm pretty sure they knew the day was coming when none of you could take care of her anymore. Talk to them, tell them that time has come.

JUST TELL THEM... I think that there is no "good way" to say it- but the issue is , if you are burned out and they are burned out, you still have to provide her the best care you can.... and that is not necessarily for you to be the one giving the care any longer. Believe me, when it comes time to have her not live with you any longer, there will still be a rotation needed for you and your sisters to visit her regularly, and at different times of the day, to ensure the good care you think she should be getting is really happening. That is a burden too- because you really cannot just put her in a home and never go back.... and you wouldn't want to. A whole new set of responsibility arises when you are watching over her nursing home care. You will need to stay in touch with her nursing staff re: medication changes and MD visits and changes in her condition, and possibly even still doing daily maintenance things like doing her wash. I did not like losing my Aunt's clothing in the community nursing home laundry, so I did her wash twice a week. Aunt Marge was an Alzheimer's patient; she became too much for me and my mother to handle when she was 8+years into it and we had to place her in a nursing home because neither of us could afford to stop working to care for her needs. She was in Day Care, but kept eloping . (Adult Day Care is a good interim step if you can't stomach a nursing home, by the way). Once Aunt Marge got acclimated to the home and the routines there, she was so much happier.... because she was occupied with activities and other peers most of the time.... they have the energy and staff to keep them stimulated and interested, so they will sleep better at night. It is absolutely exhausting to try to provide that same level of stimulation and care yourself. There is only one of you - or your sisters- and there does come a time in this illness when it takes more than any one family can do. The only time that it gets easier to care for her is at the very end, when they are no longer able to get out of bed and their body systems are shutting down. and your loved one begins the final journey of slipping away........... and then it was an honor to bring Marge home with hospice and help her be comfortable at home with us, by her side, as she left us to go on to that better place with Him. I promise you, if you cherish your mother, you will feel so much better once you get her the right level of care, that will allow you to take care of yourself enough so that visiting her is a blessing instead of another burden on an already overloaded back.

On the showering, you could start by helping her wipe her face each morning with a washcloth, then gradually over a period of days, calmly mention to her that you will help her wipe her neck and her upper back, then upper torso, as you continue over the course of the week to help her wipe down thoroughly with a warm washcloth.

Leave her feet untouched. Then, in the course of each day, tell her you will soak her feet. While her feet soak, tell her you will wipe down her legs with a warm washcloth, then add some lotion. Maybe in a couple of weeks you can tell her you are just going to do the wipe down while she stands in the tub. Don't turn the faucet on, just wipe down, and a large container for water to wash off any soapy residue. With luck, you may be able to turn on the shower, or the faucet over the tub to at least get her more, rather than less water cleaning time. Just don't rush her, or argue, or make it an unplesant time for her.

As for the full-time care, I am a full-time caregiver to my Mom. Smooth music can be uplifting, daily short, leisurely drives when the sun is shining and traffic is not as heavy as rush hour, other outdoor time, like sitting outside for a short spell, some mild activity time, like sorting clean laundry (even if not sorted correctly) and little vignettes sharing, among other moments in care make for full and mostly balanced days for both of us. No two days are alike and nothing is perfect. It's just doing the best that we can, and our loved ones being able to enjoy the greater comforts of home rather than being in sterile institutional settings where everything is unfamiliar to them and it's all an unending routine.

Isabelle: great advise, and as different as two approaches can be, my approach was to start by filling the bathtub with warm water and bubble bath, and having Mom's transfer seat in place (and her still in her PJ's I would ask her if she would like to soak her 'sore' feet.

"Mom, can you come here a minute?" "How would you like to soak your feet for a few minutes?" Of course she would resist, but I just GENTLY told her that the water was already in the tub, or "We don't want it to go to waste", and she would just give me a look!! But, this seemed to get her motivated.

Once she relinquished her 'danties' (so she wouldn't get them wet) and seated properly on the transfer seat, she started to enjoy the experience. I would put Epson salt in the water, and bubble bath, and have a loofah that was like a back scrubber, so she could reach her feet.

Mind you... she STILL had her nightgown on, and the heat was up (torture for me in FL) but absolutely necessary for Mom.

OK.. so her feet are all warm and clean, and we moved up her legs to get all the 'day' off her, and then sometimes I would hear her say, "Well I guess I should clean up the rest huh??" (That was on a good day)

I made a hooded bathtowel so she could safely remove her night gown and then before you knew it (with a handheld shower attachment) I was able to assist her with the rest of her shower.

EVEN washing her hair, as quickly as possible. An all in one shampoo was a big help, and being PREPARED essential.

I always had the towels (warmed in the dryer) and hair dryer, soap and shampoo all setup BEFORE I ever called her to the bathroom. Also a big fluffy robe, or a change of clothes (new danties and all) make the transition easier. My trouble came in getting Mom to relinquish her dirty clothes!! I would have HER put them in the washing machine herself and press the button. She didn't like her laundry combined with anything else.

Body wipes helped between showers, right before bedtime I would use the Lavender ones designed for babies VERY soothing for both of us!

After her shower, I would dry her hair, all the while singing ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT... or some other silly song that seemed to keep her entertained.

QUIET, deliberate actions seemed to work best, and being PREPARED essential (worth repeating)

I hope that by all of us sharing our successes and failures we will have more than one approach to helping our parents and loved ones. One thing is for certain, cleanliness is important, fresh 'danties' daily were part of our bedtime routine, even if met with opposition. Clean hands and teeth mean a better nights sleep. And establishing a routine seem to help.

God Bless you Mom (rest in peace)

A key line in your post is: "It will be my turn to take her in a few months and I am so stressed about it." That's it. It's time. No two ways about it. You are officially at the point where it's your survival or her survival, and in order for you both to survive, you must put your mother in a care home. So if you keep that "absolute" in your mind, you will be strong and know this is the right thing to do----and then you tell your siblings. By the way, bless you and you are to be commended for caring for your mother all this time in her home. Now it is time for the next phase of her care, and I'm sure everything is going to work out well.

nanlinjoe, it is a real blessing that you have found a facility for your Mom and have no concerns about the quality of care she receives. One has to know one's upper limits and also one's weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and vulnerable moments. There is no shame in facing our respective challenges and fears.

Tell them the truth....It sounds like the three of you have done a great job, you have done all you can and your just not able anymore. It's in your mother's and your best interest to get her to a full time faciity.
Research the facilities that would suit your mother best and visit her as often as you can. You may be surprised, your sisters may be relieved that you broached the subject. Good luck...