How can I tell my family that I can no longer take care of my elderly mother, without them feeling like I just want to put her in a home?

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How can I tell my family I can no longer take care of my elderly mother, without them feeling that I just want to put her in a home? She is 93, needs a fulltime caregiver, has dimentia/alzheimers and I do not feel I am physically, emotionally, mentally, financially able to. I love my mother but I think it is time she is placed in a home. My two sisters and I have rotated yearly being caretaker for her for the last 6 years. I am the oldest of the three, 58 years old with alot of problems. How can I make them understand that I cant provide that care for her anymore, without them thinking I just want to give up on her. It will be my turn to take her in a few months and I am so stressed about it. I love my mother very much but I just dont feel I am capable of taking her in again, even though we do get help from In home support service, I just cant take that responsibility anymore?

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after reading your posts and answer I would like to add a comment and share my experience. My mom was living alone in senior retirement. Occasionally my mom would tell me she had fallen in kitchen, bedroom, bathroom. Many times I was there she would say she fell, although she did not. The day she did fall, not broken thank god, and off to ems she went. She had been out of the hospital for 14 months. Even though I knew Nh was a safer place to be, I thanked god each day that mom was well when I visited her, I had a hard time knowing that I would decide to place her in NH. I would not unless I really really had to. Well the time came. It was the hardest choice. As I look back, I feel that the time came and it was a good choice. There was a long adjustment period,. I often realize that that fall was enough reason., before another fall would occur and mom may have been hurt, broken. My guilt for her safety needs would have been unforgivable. I did go and look at nursing homes, and chose the one who I felt that the staff comforted my emotions. I felt alone at times, but I know now that the lord was at my side. Sounds like you and your sisters are close and have been communicating. it's possible that the each had the same feeling you have but have not expressed it yet. preparing the paper work for poa etc is very important.
While mom is in NH, I find it now when I go to visit, it is a visit, I still keep in touch with her meds, and her progress, and I'm there for dr appointments. I bring home laundry and bring her snacks. I have two other siblings that relinquished moms care to me when she lived in Florida. I know it's a tough decision. Your thoughts were my thoughts before mom had her fall that headed her in the NH. My heart goes out to you. First and foremost, give each other a hug and I hope you will come to a conclusion and a safe haven for your mom. Take care and god bless.
Equinox
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I have the same siuation but no help from my siblings. I took my mom into my house for 6 years without any help from them. I have a mental illness that causes me great difficulty. I told my siblings I could no longer care for her. Now, I'm repaid by not being allowed to see her or talk to her because they are mad that they have to tend to her. I am 50 and my siblings are older. I also took care of my grandma for 2 years before she passed.
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ibarro is right, dont worry about what others say, as I know from experience that this is alot easier said than done! I worried too, so I cant point the finger at u for feeling that way as I would have 3 pointing right back at me!!! Just be HONEST,you dont feel physically or mentally capable of doing this anymore, and its taking a toll on your health and well being, not to mention depressing because u love her so much and cant stand to see the suffering and changes anymore on a 24/7 basis, it is getting way too overwhelming for u!!!! I think when I finally decided to put mom into a facility I battled for months within myself, I even went to the extreme of letting her talk me into bringing her back home for a while, which only lasted a month, as she would NOT listen to me at all, and was falling all over the place! all I had to do was turn my face for a second, turn back around and find her on the floor! it was so depressing, then the doctors finally came up with her diagnosis, which said specifically that she needed to be in a skilled facility no matter what! there wasnt an option for home anymore, so I guess I got a lot of help from medical staff, they actually we made to be the bad guys!!! But guess what?
I could care less what any of the family thinks period, I have not gotten one call in 8 years from any of her extended family offering one ounce of support! and I bet the only people that will be at her funeral when the time comes is me and my husband and his family, not hers!!!! they dont care at all, all they want to know is whats being left to them!!! the nerve!
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you r asking my opinion and I will give it to you. just tell them that you can't do it anymore. That's it! and if they start judging you, separate yourself from them for a period of time. visit her at her nursing home. if your family talks about you, let them talking, they always do it no matter how well we do thinks. we can't have it two ways. people always talks if you take care of your mom or not, so don't care what they say. now is your time. they can't force you to take care of her any longer if you are feeling sick your self.
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That is great news Tweetie....but some nursing homes are as bad as they can legally be...you have done a great job finding one that isn't....choosing the right facility is very very important...everyone who is confronted with the difficult choice that most of will have to make needs to take some time and research the places we choose to place our loved ones
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My heart goes out to you because I am going through the same exact situation right now. My dad had taken a turn for the worse early last year and I have worn myself thin taking care of him in every way. He lives by himself and kept falling and the dimentia started creeping in. I would go take care of him every day and find him on the floor the next day. It broke my heart to see him like that. He finally ended up in the hospital and his doctor told me that it is time to place him in a nursing facility because he didn't need my care anymore - he needed 24/7 medical care. I made myself so sick over this situation that I ended up in the hospital myself. I promised him I would never do this but now that he is there, he looks absolutely wonderful. Nursing facilities are not as bad as everyone says they are. They take extremely good care of my dad and I finally am able to sleep at night knowing he is taken care of. I could not provide financial support for him to stay home with a caretaker and have applied for Medicaid for him. He does not want to stay there but I see how safe he is. Yesterday, I told his brother that I decided to keep my dad there permanently. To my surprise, he thought that was a great idea because he sees his brother looking better than ever. He is eating, taking his meds and looking so healthy. Don't worry what family thinks, they are not taking care of him the way you are and if you are starting to feel drained, then that is a sign that you have done all you can and cannot do any more. Be strong and do what is right for you and your mother.
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let them be mad, or give them the choice of caring for her themselfs.. dont let them make you the bad guy for trying to do the right thing! at least you realize your not able to care for her, a lot of people would keep trying even though they are in over their heads.
just give them a choice, they care for her or she goes to a home. if they get mad, its because its easy for them to hollor at you, but they know darn well that YOU are the one that stepped up, not them. they get mad because they try to guilt you, but do what you need to do. if you cant acre for her, its ok, it gets too much for us..do what you think is best..good luck
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Blessings to you all shareing what works and just knowing others have challanges help us all.
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nanlinjoe, it is a real blessing that you have found a facility for your Mom and have no concerns about the quality of care she receives. One has to know one's upper limits and also one's weaknesses. We all have weaknesses and vulnerable moments. There is no shame in facing our respective challenges and fears.
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Thank you, godhelpus, and MiaMadre. We're all in this together. The support and sharing in this venue is terrific, and it is thanks to the many thoughtful caregivers whos visit and share. We may be tired, but it is very touching that we still give so much of ourselves to support each other. Blessings, all. I am proud to be a member of this community of caregivers. It is the best, bar none I have ever seen or experienced. Please give yourselves a pat on the back, all. What we do is not easy.
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