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I need your ideas and advice on how to handle my father's death. I've been going back and forth on what to do - so would appreciate all comments to help my thinking.

My mother has dementia for the past 15 years, from a head injury she sustained. She is able to learn and remember some new things - like her new cat's names and my husband's name - whom she did not know before her injury. But it is hard to predict what she can remember.

Both of my parents have lived with my husband and myself for the last 9 years in Japan. Dad frequently traveled back to the US - to see his doctors and friends. During his last trip, he took ill and died. Since these trips to the US are fairly common, we've gotten into a routine of keeping Mom calm. So when she asks where Dad is - we typically tell her - Dad is shopping, or out walking or on the computer checking his email. Mom typically accepts these answer and then goes on with other things. We use the method of distracting her frequently, as if we told her Dad was in the US - then she gets angry that he did not take her.

So the advice I need - do I tell her about my father's death ? And more importantly, do I take her back to the US for the funeral ? She is 79 years old and prior to her injury, was quite the world traveler - very use to flying. However, I notice that since her dementia, she is stressed when put into environments that are not familiar to her. So I expect that flying will cause her some stress - even if my husgand and myself are with her.

I do feel it is best to tell her, as they were married for over 60 years and at some level, she should know. Since she can remember selective things - I am wondering if I should take her to the funeral - which will be at Arlington National Cemetry. I think this could be something she might remember. But then again - I have no way of knowing.

After the funeral, my curent thinking is to use the same strategy, that if she asks about Dad - meaning she does not remember he died - then we keep telling her he is out. That way - she doesn't have to re-live the grief.

Should I take her to the funeral ?

Should I tell her that he died ?

Many thanks for your comments.

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I think it depends on what level of dementia she is at. My grandmother had alzheimers and in a nursing home. My father, her son-in-law and one of her daughters died within a month of each other and we decided not to tell her. Why upset her for a couple of minutes and then she would forget it. Most of the time she didn't know who we were.
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Bbrook, This is just my nonprofessional opinion, but I think you and your sister should tell your mother that he has died, and any details that might comfort her. "It was a short illness" or "this puts an end to suffering he has been going through" -- whatever fits. Perhaps at that time the three of you could share some memories of your father. After that one conversation, if she asks how he is and it is obvious that she doesn't remember he is dead, I don't think I would keep repeating it. Say something vague like "the last time I talked to him he sounded OK." I think that 1) she does deserve to know, and 2) there is also no need to repeat the painful information over and over. I hope that you and your sister can discuss this, respecting each other's wish to treat your mother kindly, even if you disagree about how to do that.

My mother and I and a cousin visited my demented aunt (cousin's mother). She knew exactly who we were and how we fit together in the family picture. She has almost no short term memory. After visiting a while she asked whether my father had come to visit too. My mother was quite surprised and said, "Ralph died 8 years ago." This clearly upset my aunt. "Oh no, girl! Why wasn't I told? That is awful. I am so sorry." We got past that and went on visiting. Two sentences later aunt asked "Did Ralph come with you on this trip?" and we went through the same thing again. Once she asked he daughter, "Why didn't we go to the funeral?" and her daughter said, "We did, Mom." The whole visit was very upsetting to my aunt and to my mother. If I were in a similar situation again, I would say, each time, "Dad couldn't come with us this time." Why distress two wonderful elderly ladies with "the truth"?

I don't think that there is a "right" answer to your question. If you and your sister cannot come to an agreement, you could settle it by flipping a coin, or by deferring to her wishes since she lived with Mom. Neither one of you should stew over it and play the "what if/if only" games. Somehow decide, carry out the decision. and don't beat yourself or each other up over it.
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bbrook, I see no reason to keep telling your mother that your father is gone again and again. I think the kind thing to do is tell her a "fiblet" such as he had to go out of town on business, if she would believe that sort of thing. Anything that she would believe that your father might be doing such as going to the store. It must be very hard for her and on her to keep learning of his death over and over again. I may be wrong but that is what I think.

kjmackay, yes I do believe that what your mom is doing is normal. It might comfort her that he talks to her in dreams.

miz
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My Dad pased six years ago. Mom recognizes this but has dreams that he is talking to her. She is confused about that. She has only a few months left. Is this normal?
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Should I tell my mother that my father has died?

They were married for 32 years before they divorced. Mother always struggled with the divorce and that my dad remarried. He died last week at 89 years old. Mother is 90 and is suffering from dementia. She still cares for him deeply. The day that I found out that he was gravely ill, Mother asked if Dad was still alive. She had never asked that before! She now asks about him approx. every 2 days. Should I tell her and have her suffer through the grief only to forget ask once again? Should I tell her again?

My sister who is her caregiver thinks we shouldn't tell her. I am so conflicted. I don't know what to do. My insides tell me to tell her, but my sister lives with her and so doesn't she have the right to decide?

Any ideas? I love her so much. I want to do what is best for her and my sister!
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well if you tell her maybe she will pay you attention and believe you or if she is really mentally ill (totally dement) she won't react. everything depend on her mental status when you tell her. maybe she will reacts and cry out or she stays like nothing happened. if you think that she is going to understand it , do it, but if you think that she is going to cry out and become depressed, don't tell her. you can tell her mom, do you remember dad? he passed away. and that's it. don't tell her all the details of how he died.
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perhaps just give her one favorite picture of her beloved to keep close in a drawer that she can stumble across time to time - offer it to her and ask her to give it a kiss. you might have to get the pic out yourself once in awhile but again offer it to her and have her give it a kiss or hold it to her cheek .. keep it simple but tender, always love unconditionally.
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Onlydaughter16 how are you and what did you decide to do? I am curious as to how you decided to handle things. Please keep us informed.
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You are so right. We won't always make the right decisions, but we try to do so with the knowledge we have. It's wonderful to have you on this site, Miz.
Carol
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We have to choose to not feel bad or guilty about decisions we make when our intentions are good and we think we are doing what is right. Our jobs are hard enough without us shoulding ourselves and feeling guilty. Even if we make mistakes and/or use poor judgment in our decision, guilt does not help. It is poison. And, as we all know, no one is perfect. Finding this site is such a God send for me. There are decisions I have made in the past that I wish I could have gotten opinions from all of you. Bless you all.
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My mom woke me up one morning frantic because she couldn't find Dad. He had been gone for almost a year I believe. It was heart wrenching. Fortunately that has only happened once. I would say if someone grieves each time they are told their spouse is gone, the compassionate thing to do is say they went out of town or to the store...something like that. I hate lying but sometimes it may be the best thing to do. However, I do feel the parent should be told when it actually does happen. It's only fair and right in my opinion. The one exception would be if the news would be dangerous to their health. For example, a lot of stress can be a factor in a stroke. I don't know. It's an individual case-by-case thing I guess. Carol, I think you are right. OnlyDaughter, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I myself would not tell unless she asked if he had died-she may on some level know he is not comming back -she probably would not remember for very long even if you told her-I would not take her to the funeral it may be too much for her if you could have someone take pictures of it to keep for yourself and future generations that would be great-good luck but in this case I would do what your heart tells you to do and not worry about. I had to tell my grand-daughter when she was 11 that her aunt -who was a triplelet of her Mom and uncle- was very ill and it was hard but she was on life suppoer because they were unable to find the parents who were on vacation-and my husband was very angery with me but I did what I thought was best and refused to feel bad about and she did go the next day to say good-by to her aunt and I never regreated my decision.
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Onlydaughter16,
I wonder if your mom would NOT go to the funeral since it's here in the States, but instead have a memorial for your dad there in Japan with some close friends that you both could attend instead? That way she wouldn't have to do the flying thing, but you'd still have to tell her about his death. Maybe tell her it's too late for the funeral in the U.S., but that you have an alternative. Sorry about your dad.
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i am very sorry this happend well what i am about to tell you might make you cry if you have pictures and memories of him just think about it act like he is right next to you imaginehim talking to you pray every day and talk to him while your praying or act like he is invisable and talk to him justsit next to a best friend that you can trust and cry tell her or him how u feel maybe that will help dont be afraid to cry it all out
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I've been in this position myself. My mother died, and my dad is suffering from dementia. I had promised him I would never lie to him, so when it was clear momma was dieing, I took daddy to see her and gave them some time together. I took daddy to the funeral, where he broke down. When we got back home he wouldn't get out of bed or eat for a week. We almost lost daddy too. Then, he just didn't remember, and began going on with life as usual. I realized that I couldn't keep telling him the bad news, and having him breaking down and greiving every day, so I had to lie. He asks each day how she is, and I tell him she's really peaceful today, or is doing well, or something like that. In the beginning it was the hardest thing I ever had to do...to say momma was fine, when all I wanted to do was break out crying. But, there is no way I could have daddy tortured over and over. So, it turned out to be the best way. He's happy when he hears she's ok. So, if you fear she will be grieving over and over, I'd suggest to hide that bad news from her. Hope this helps! Good luck!
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OnlyDaughter16, yours is a tough situation. Years ago, I never understood why some individuals would not share a life event with an aging loved one. Now, I personally know why, as there are some things I would not share with my Mom today if they were to occur, including certain deaths, whether friends, or family. Dementia creates its own confusion. Anything added to that mix is entirely unpredictable. I would add that it also depends on the degree of emotional, cognitive and psychological trauma your Mom experiences when she temporarily becomes stuck on a category that fades and resurfaces. Is it worth it for her to go through that over and over? It may, or may not be, but only you know. Whatever you do, you will do what's right for you and your Mom. You are doing the best you can. Don't start to second-guess yourself.
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Funny, Jen! I was always told it was good to say that, and when I told Dad that he thought I "wanted him to die." It was awful! You just never know.

But, I do feel people need to be told that their spouse died. I think they know on some level.
Carol
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I remember telling my Dad that it was OK to let go. He was fighting a brain tumour, had lost his wife, home, precious pet dog, mobility, etc. I told him that Mom was waiting for him. He looked around the room and asked, "Where?" Sometimes the best intentions go awry.
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Clearly God made sure your mom is in the best of hands - yours.
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God bless you OnlyDaughter. I pray you have safe travels and journey. I wonder if it would be good to talk to Mom about heaven. Now that would be a wonderful thought! You sound so strong in writing. I'm sure that you are grieving, too. May the Lord be with you and comfort you and give you peace. You are a wonderful daughter.
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l You handled that just right. No one could have done a better job. Be proud and hold your head up high. Working through this has showen you the right way to tell mom. Have a wonderful time with your mom while you can. Enjoy life. With much love and prayers Bennie
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Dear Everyone - this is a final update on our situation. We buried my father yesterday in Arlington Cemetery and just returned home to NY today. We will be here for another week - attending to my father's will and ensuring the house is being taken care of - before we return to Singapore.

Overall, Mom has handled everything quite well. She got tired in between the various "events" but she was quite social with all the relatives that visited her. The hardest part was the ceremony in Arlington. I felt that was the only time she really grieved, because she knew how much it meant to Dad to be buried there. It was his dream and Mom said that Dad would be so proud to be in Arlington.

Of course, she still does not remember Dad has died and continues to ask where Dad is. But we found an interesting reaction from Mom. Initially - we said that Dad died - and she was shocked each time. However, when we say that Dad is in Arlington - she is more accepting - "oh - he died" - but not the shocked reaction as before.

When we return to Singapore - we may not tell her Dad is in Arlington - as we want to keep her happy with life. However, we find that when she doesn't see Dad - she starts thinking that Dad has abandoned her, or left her - which makes her mad. But we will read the various books we bought and see if we can get some insight into how best to handle this.

Again - many many thanks for your wonderful comments. And thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers.
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Please let everyone have an update on the trip when you return. Have a safe flight and we'll keep you in our prayers.

Bennie
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Dear All - another update. We decided to take mom to the US for the funeral. In the morning- she did not remember our discussion from the previous night. This did not surprise me. But the good thing is - she reacted in the same manner as the night before. She is usually more alert in the morning, and this time - she made the leap in logic that Dad has already died. So the conversation actually advanced to the point of planning for the funeral. Naturally - in 15 minutes after all this - she forget again. But what has comforted me - is her consisten reaction. So regardless of whether she remembers or not, at least she will see Dad one last time.

On the travel side - we have planned as easy of a trip as possible. We have our own small wheelchair - so she does not have to walk. And we are breaking the trip across 2 days - so Mom can sleep overnight before continuing the next leg of the trip.

I very much appreciate everyone's "two cents" as there are some great ideas that I will use. I will order the book on the Naomi Feil's technique - as I am not familiar with this - and I think this will help us to interact with Mom in the future. The idea of the flag with a good happy picture is great. Will definitely do that.

Our next hurdle is to see how Mom handles actually seeing Dad in the funeral home. I am dreading seeing Dad, so I can only imagine how she will react. We will try to gently warn Mom and get her mentally ready - before walking in. I think that if she refuses to see him, then we will not force her.

Thanks again for your lovely comments.
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It's so gratifying to read how you help each other! Everyone has such good ideas, that the whole community becomes exactly that - a community of friends. I loved Bennie's input - yes, this is way more than "just change."

Take care, my friends. You are the best.
Carol
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Just reading everyones comments to onlydaughter16 ,gave me an idea to use with my mom. My mother commented before ,how she enjoy seeing people that are happy. We have great family pictures of happy times it brings awarm sensation to remember. i had a few hours today(doctors appointment) i saw a lot of photo albums front cover displaying a photo of a happy moment that put a smile on my face and I didn't know the people. Your mother probably enjoy a display of a picture of she and her husband or him in a happy moment. Rose1
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everyones two cents adds up to more than change. This is how we as a group of caregivers hold each other up. If not for this web site I for one would have already given up. When you get up in the morning ask for an open heart and a calm soul. You will make the right decision.

Bennie
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Thank you, Carol!

With dementia patients, they don't necessarily deal with current reality. It is hard to differentiate between what they want to know and refuse to acknowledge. It is hard to tell if seeing a picture of a funeral will sustain a memory if they cannot or will not accept it! You'll have to see how your mom is in the a.m.! With dad I never knew.
They told me, after he passed, that they knew he was going to have a bad day if he woke up asking for mom.

M dad mourned his dog more than my mom. And the dog was simply given a new home! He hallucinated more about the dog, too. Mom he would sometimes call to, as if she was in the next room, to talk to her and ask her something.

I kept up their last church formal picture as a couple in his room. He loved it.

With the way the amygdala works (where memories and associations are stored) she may associate the coffin with another funeral and not your dad's! Don't you want to keep a visual record of when he was healthy? I put my favourite photo of dad on the front of my book. He was in the middle of his garden, working away. You could see he was a bit more frail, but it was when he was in the happiest frame of mine.

I look at a ceremony as part of a tradition. A picture should be a celebration of life, strength, loving relationships! My dad passed away two years ago next month (Feb.). I bring out the beautiful moments - like a favourite garment that is to be loved and cherished.

sorry - just /my two cents~
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Wonderful thought. Maybe a wedding picture of both of them. You did the right thing. Be strong, remember he gives you no more than you can handle. Be in peace.


Bennie
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Why don't you display the flag with a happy picture of your dad instead of a picture of the funeral?
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