My aunt is not in touch with her mother, should I tell my aunt about her mother’s deteriorating health?

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7years ago my Grandmother was diagnosed with Diabetes and did not have it completely under control and her blood sugar got so low that she had delusions and tried to kill herself twice. Actually shooting herself the first time and the next slitting her wrists. Her daughter and son (my Aunt and Uncle) had a huge fight with her and thought she was making everything up. She does have control over her diabetes now. Then two years later she realized that neither one fo them would take care of her and asked if myself and my husband would share a house and pay me to take care of her. We agreed. My uncle and aunt saw this as the last straw and decided they would not have anything to do with her anymore. (All three of us still do not know what caused them to stop speaking to her). My mother(who lives in another state can not afford to help as much as she would like. My Grandmother does not want anything to do with her son. But misses my Aunt dearly. She is distraught over what has happened because they were very close for a long time. She has made two attempts to contact her but my Aunt has not replied to either of those attempts. Recently my Grandmother went to the hospital and came home worse then when she went it. She no longer can walk without a walker, can not take a shower on her own or make any meals for herself. We can afford a CNA to come 5 days a week. And, I do not care if m Aunt helps out with her or not. I was wondering if I should contact my Aunt and see if she can see reason when it comes to at leasting visitng my Grandmother (her mother). It pains me to see my Grandmother miss her daughter. She lays awake and night trying to figure out what she did wrong for her daughter to hate her so much. This treatment of her has dripped down into my cousins (who all live within a 30 minute drive of our house). My Aunt and Uncle both live with in 10 mintues. And, NONE OF THEM COME TO SEE HER, or even call her. what should i do???

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Sadly, many families have these issues. I feel so sorry for you and your Grandma.
She is so fortunate to have you.
I agree that contacting the family in a straightforward, but not confrontational manner like a family newsletter, just stating how Grandma is doing physically and mentally, that she is pained by the estrangement, and that it would be wonderful to get together while she can still do that, is a good idea.
E-mail will work if you have all the e-mail addresses, otherwise send it out by snail mail. Those who don't respond are mired in some kind of resentment that is their own load to bear. No one will change them - so don't blame yourself for not doing enough. Maybe some of them will soften is they finally "get it" that Grandma won't be around forever. I hope so for their sakes as much as your grandmother's. And yours. Take care,
You are doing all you can.
Carol
You know, I think I'd send out a newsletter to the family telling them of her health concerns. Those who respond are the ones that care, the others who don't respond, well they're the ones who don't care. At least you've kept everyone up to speed, that's all you can do. Tell her to stop wasting time trying to figure out what she might have done wrong. Everyone has to answer to their own actions, you can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, so she needs to let it go.
usually when people wont tell you what caused a fight, its because they know its a dumb reason...im just saying..
When you do not raise children to be compassionate, giving, and considerate how on earth will they learn this as adults. They don't. They end up being selfish, self-centered, and mercenary. Yor Mom stopped being a "bank" and they resented it like any spoiled child would. Sad. But, you cannot undo the past and now the children are adults and they are fully aware of their behavior...they just do not care.
I would try to reach out on your grandmother's behalf one more time. Explain to them in the most charitable terms that your grandmother really misses them and that a visit or call from them would be the best gift they could give her. Give them an email where they can contact you. Also, why is your mother not assisting more and talking to her sibs? Really, it is THEIR mother not yours. She may have more "clout" with them.
I have seen this in my family. One family member steps up to the plate and the others allow real or imaginary issues to bubble up just so they do not have to deal with the responsibility.
At the end of the day, you will know that you gave it one more try. If they do not respond, I would not push the issue. Maybe having you "plant the seed" will give them time to reflect and forgive.
Geezzzz, one thing I have learned as a caregiver is that time is oh so short.
Call her. I believe in grace and I believe in extending an olive branch through personal communication. We all have bad moments where we have acted irrationally, recklessly or inappropriately. And God didn't throw us away because we acted stuipidly or inappropirately and what he didn't keep score. If He did there wouldn't be too many in the flock. We'd all be banished. I think in time people can see past the chaos & confusion and realize what they had is more important than any embarassment, disappointment, disagreement, grief or hurt. I would give your aunt the chance to get things patched up. Relationships are precious & so are those moments.
ppersonaly, id drop the aunt a quick note saying that shes sick and then ask the aunt to let you know if shes gonna want future updates..stress your point that you need to know if she wants furture updates or not, and let the rest go. if they havent told you what caused the rift, then dont worry about it, drop it.it doesnt concern you, maybe thats better they havent let you in on why.
but dont push her to see the lady, just simply ask her 'do you want me to let you know how shes doing in the future or no?' if she says no, then let her go.if she says yes, thats promising, it means she does still care, but dont try to push them together. you'll only bust them apart further and maybe get bad feelings turned on you..
good luck
It appears to me that if nothing else, your mother can provide the greatest help of all and it wouldn't even involve travel. If your mother has any sort of relationship with her sister and brother, she would be the best mediator of all. She can relay your report to them. Have you spoken with them yourself? Is there a reason you have chosen not to?

You run the risk of being blamed for not letting them know how severe her condition is and if/when she passes being made the heavy in all this.

I think it is particularily important that ANY communication that takes place should be factual, level headed and not accusitory, judgemental or laced with bias. The idea, is to simply get these adult kids back together with their mother on some level - at least the daughter. Maybe your mom could make one trip and the two sister go visit her together. I'm guessing your aunt is a little nervous after all this time. She may be experiencing some guilt, especially if she was close with her mother. You and your mom could make that transition a lot easier. Does your grandmother send her cards for her birthday? Maybe your grandmother can just send her a "I Miss You" card to start easing the way. It sounds simple and corny, but it costs so little and could make a big difference.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you and your family in my prayers.
When I read posts like this I just have to wonder what did Grandma do to cause such a problem with her children. What could be resolved with communication? I know that I just talked to my Mom after 6 months. She called me, made no attempt to resolve the hurt she has put on me for years. Just acted like nothing ever happened. In her mind she is never to blame but after six months she let me know that she has" no one" in her life. But of course she has a son, daughter-in-law, and grandson about 5 miles away. Neighbors who have tried to befriend her (with no sucess) and family who have to keep in touch with her, not the other way around. Sometimes at the end of life all the chickens come home to roost. Maybe you could talk to you aunt about what is really behind all of this. you may be surprised. I have a hard time believing that your aunt and uncle would hold against your grandma the fact that she tried to kill herself twice,especially if it were due to diabetes. There has to be more. I would send out the newsletter and if the aunt and uncle don't respond, so be it. I know some people feel that we care for our elderly parents no matter what, but what did these parents do to us? It is complicated at best. I hope this is resolved in a positive way. Good luck to you.
I just want to say that my Grandmother has not always been the easiest person to deal with. She is the type to lend advice when none is asked for. In truth she spoiled them as children and as adults but when the time came that she realized she needed her money to care for herself and wasn't able to fund them anymore was when the rift started. She has caused strife in my family when I was young for trying to get my Mother away from my verbally abusive father. She never mistreated her children. My mother and I are very close even though we live far apart and she knows and has told me that her Mother (my Grandmother) has never done anything to deserve this type of treatment. I agree.
Ah, things are making more sense now. I know you Grandma meant well spoiling her kids but it never turns out well. I witness this all the time with my family, neighbors, everyone. Many parents think spoiling is love and it is too late when they realize what selfish, self centered people their kids become. If feel sorry for your grandmother. Fortunately I married a poor guy who had a catholic school teacher for a Mom and a Dad who studied to be a priest but dropped out. let's just say spoling is not in their vocabulary. Otherwise, my 3 girls would have be rotten. It is just so easy to do.

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