I have just placed my 90-year-old mother with dementia in a nursing home. Now she is confused about where home is. How can I console her?

Wake up call for Daniel Romero:
You are making the most common mistake made by family members when faced with Dementia Care issues. You are assuming your mom is functioning normally and just being stubborn or trying to get attention. Imagine this scenario. You are in a foreign country when you take sick. Authorities shuffle you off to a facility that is both strange and frightening. No one speaks your language and when you try to get help they place you in confinement until you learn to be more cooperative. Moreover, when your family tries to see you they are told that everything is under control and their visit would only upset you. "Wait until she gets used to OUR way of doing things, then you will be able to see her." Of course the bill for this treatment is already in the mail.
PLEASE RECONSIDER YOUR RECOMMENDATIONS AND READ UP ON DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE.

Hi reikibev,
The decision to place a parent in a Nursing Home is always emotionally difficult for both the parent and the family members. When there are also dementia issues it is even more difficult for the parent. The nature of dementia and Alzheimer's disease is so different from any other geriatric problem that we are just beginning to understand it. During most of the 20th century, people died before they experienced dementia and the few who did suffer from it were usually cared for by family members. It was not uncommon for a married daughter or son to move their family into mom's home and care for her through the end. This worked out for both the parent and the extended family since mom stayed in familiar surroundings that helped her cope with the loss of short term memory(dementia is NOT mental illness) and the family managed to retain her estate. Today, the extended family is constrained by economics. Mom is living in an area that does not have the jobs her sons or daughters need to support themselves and raise their own children. So mom is forced to live "independently" and family visits as often as the faltering economy will allow. Unexpectedly, mom gets ill and becomes dependent. Her children are all far away and are barely making ends meet themselves. She does not want to burden them so she hides her health problems from them as long as possible. Then the family is forced to make a terrible decision: place mom in a nursing facility and pledge her entire estate as payment or force her to move in with a selected family member. So you are not alone in this experience. You have come to the right place for advice and support. Most of us have been there and done that but you are always free to take what support you need from us and leave the rest.

reikibev, my heart goesd out to you, as well as your Mom. I would feel the same way if or when that day comes for me. I pray it doesn't, but one never knows. First and foremost, I always say that to hold back our heartache, tears and pain is not physically, or emotionally healthy for us, so have yourself a good cry, any time, including on your way to, or from the nursing home to see your beloved mother. Your feelings of sadness make perfect sense. You have just experienced a major loss. Sometimes crying with my Mom is the best tonic for both of us. Hold her, hug, her, tell her you love her, and know just how much she misses her home. Sometimes there are no words, just tender loving care. May God bless you both, and help you both to find comfort from and with each other. Those curve balls in life can be rough. You may want to take a photo album with you of old familiar places or a single photo each visit and tell her, "Guess what I found?" Use the photo to enjoy a stroll back in time to some of her favorite places and let her tell you what she misses most about her home, etc. I am praying for you both. God bless you. Share often as we all do care about each other's struggles here.

The only thing that will help your Mom is time, I'm afraid. Since she's so confused anyhow it'll be hard for her.....changing the subject is always a good device if you can possibly do that. My sister has been in a nursing home now for 6 weeks, and she's adjusting well at 89 yrs. old. Since the memory gets worse very quickly these days, I'm thinking she feels like the place now belongs to her:)
Good luck and don't stop visiting her, but make them short visits instead of loooong ones, until you think she's a little adjusted, and it will happen sooner than you think.

I am in the middle of the same situation. When my mother wants to go home I just hug her, tell her I love her, and that I understand. She is a mean person so she often follows with a harsh comment. I have gotten to the point that I can let that go most days. The other thing I do is I travel in time with her. I go ahead and let her talk to me about the place she is at, I ask her questions, its the only way we have to socialize now. She enjoys it and all I want for her are some comfortable days with some pleasant stimulation.

ctherenn, what a wonderful thing you do to travel in time with your mother. I can see why she would enjoy it. Thanks for sharing your technique!

Hi Jro. I placed my mom in a dementia ward in January. It was heartbreaking. She had been living alone with help from me and from some agencies. But she began trying to run away, wanting to go back to the place where she grew up. She also no longer believed that her home was her home. She did not want to come to live with me, so I had no choice.

Now it's a couple of months later. She thinks her home is with her parents, long deceased. She fought the dementia unit for a while, then seemed to adapt. She has gotten together with a man named Peter, and the two of them sit by the hour and plot their escape. It is actually kind of sweet. Mom was very religious, and they don't have church services, so I have begun going down on Sunday mornings and just playing some religious music and hymns for the whole unit. She is much safer and happier where she is. She turned 94 in the unit. If I could have kept her with me, I would have, but this is actually beginning to work out well.

I hope you are having some help and not taking care of your mom entirely by yourself. It is exhausting. I got shingles twice last year, and am still having after-effects from that. So take care of yourself, and be sure to do things that you love to do.

reikibev

It does take awhile for elders to get use to the nursing home.

Reikibev..hello! From what I have noticed with my mother, the key is always distraction. You can tell her over and over again that she doesnt live there anymore or whatever, but shes going to ask again and again. Distraction, for me, has been a huge part in taking care of my mom. Also, the center that she is in, how much is she allowed to bring in with her? The one I was doing some work in let the residents bring all their belongings with them that would fit in the room. Perhaps this one does too? Get her involved in the decoration? If it feels more like home, maybe she will feel less agitated.

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me.You are a good daughter and your mother is lucky to have you looking out for her.

I am taking care of my mom by myself. My brother lives an hour away and helps when he can but I live with my mom and I'm the primary caregiver. My next door neighbor can babysit her when I have to work late. Mom goes to adult day care when I'm at work and to respite care when I have business trips.

But I can tell that she is changing. She has breast cancer and her lungs are filling with fluid which makes her short of breath when she walks a short distance. I'm beginning to wonder if she shouldn't live at home anymore. I know she wants to live at home and it will probably break her heart not living with me because she relies on me so much and I'm her security blanket Mom is very attached to me and can get pretty upset when I'm not around. But I want what's best for her.

My mom also would confuse where we live with the place she grew up and sometimes she asks me to give her mother a ride or mention a departed relative as if they are still alive. It's a very hard decision.

Fortunately, the day care center also has a nursing home I picked it just in case mom couldn't live at home and the move wouldn't be too unfamiliar to her.