How do we tell my mom she can no longer live alone?


My mom has lung cancer.She was in remission for almost 2yrs.when we found out it had was in her brain.She had WBRT and she now has worsening Dementia.She is basically an invalid and struggles to get to the bathroom unassisted.This last hospital trip the Dr.informed us (we were already making plans)that she couldn't stay home alone.We had someone at her house,including myself,a minimum of 3hrs. a day.This is no longer enough and I can't do it anymore as she lives an hour away.She has said (when the time comes) she would be happiest with me.She is in rehab right now.I have no intentions of letting her go home alone again.I am glad the DR. spoke up and is on my side.My sister is here from out of town now so we have to tell her now.If we had someone at her house 8 hours a day it wouldn't be enough.I can't drive the 10 hours a week for all the Dr. appts. the financial stuff etc.I do work more than 40 hours a week.I cant do the 15-17hr days anymore.When mom got sick there was also a 90+ grandma I was looking after in assisted living.Laundry and grocery.Little by little my life has gone from me until it was no longer mine.I want to bring her here for as long as possible.I am aware this is probably not a permanent solution.I went thru the checklist on this site,for things to look for indicating your parent needs help at home and she had all of these but 2. The biggest problem is her cats, but have made arrangements for someone to take them.I know how hard that will be for her but I have 2 myself and there would be big fights.My cat is diabetic and nobody would want him.She can't and hasn't been able to care for them or herself for some time.She sleeps 80% of the time.She won't even put food in the microwave for herself.She got her 3rd uti and dehydrated.I have called many times a day to ask her to drink water,take her pills ect.I set up an am/pm pill container and even with constant reminders she hasn't taken her pills either.My plan is to bring her here and have somebody come while I work.My husband 100% on board,his idea. I have read all the blogs and know what I'm up against.It will be easier then being so far away.I and sis are just scared to tell her.I might add that she is a picky eater and there is nobody but me that can cook for her. Please if anyone knows of an easy way to help us tell her or convince her I am only doing what is best for her.

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I have a colleague who went through this with a sister with ovarian cancer. She moved her in with her here in Arkansas from California and got home hospice so she could still work some. It was the best possible solution - sister did not want to admit she could not be on her own in her own apartment, but niether did she really want to die alone...things can change fast, and even an hour away can be too much. I think its the right call. You could always take her by her house every now and then so she is reassured the house is OK. It may very well be a permanent solution; bear in mind that what you read here is all from people with minor to major problems, not so much from people with the problem-free, supportive family relationships and easy-to-care-for loved ones. Getting all the papers in order is a good thing too. "Mom - they say you will need to stay with me for a while after rehab - its no trouble, either Sis or I can check on your house for you once a week for as long as you need to stay with me. What things of yours do you need from the house? Do you want your _____?" That last part kind of backfired with my mom (vascular dementia, diabetes, MI x 2, strokes, arthritis, osteoporosis, bad hearing and vision), because she just kind of stays under the assumption that her situation is temporary and it would be too much trouble to move everything back to the house when she can walk again (not happening, x 3 years now...but she does not quite sense how much time has passed.) You probably don't have to go into any more detail than that, and the rehab team will almost certainly back you up if they are primed to do so.

You have a lot on your plate - including a diabetic cat (been there, done that..) so, may God Bless You!
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I have always maintained that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Sit down with her on a day when she is calm and receptive. As Crowe said try to remove any emotional verbiage and treat her as if you were caring for a friend or neighbor. Start off with, "Mom, as you know, your doctor has recommended that you not stay alone after rehab. It is best for your health and safety that someone be there to help you." Then go on to talk about your plans and arrangements.
I think that you are simply incredible for wanting to bring your Mom home with you. It is courageous. I moved my Mom out to live near us 3 years ago because no one, including my sib, stepped up to do it. It isn't always easy, but as you said, at least she is here where I can see her and know if she is eating well etc.
Good luck and bless you. I hope you and your sister find the right words. Regardless, your mother is so lucky to have children who care so much about her well being.
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Have any of her doctors said anything about this directly to her? Do you and/or your sister have durable and medical POA.? I wish you well. Remember as tough as this is to talk about, you are her adult daughter, not her little girl anymore. She might not like that reality and try to push some buttons, but as much as you can keep it an adult to adult conversation instead of an adult to child talk.
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