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Dad fell twice in one day last week and then Sun. morning. This time put him in the hosp. He has Renal Failure, Low Sodium, and. pneumonia. He mind is way out in outer space somewhere, yet mom thinks she can take care of him at home. She's not totally able to do that. Proof is three falls in a couple of days. In home care service is not enough properly provided by the Long Term policy they've paid high bucks for. It wasn't worth the paper it was written on. Now he needs permanent care and she can't make logical choices. She's in denial about what's going on with dad. What can we tell the hospital and drs. about the conditions? And, what can be done to get them help?

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How sad it is to grow old. Somehow we never seem to be prepared ...as the parent or the child. It seems to sneak up and catch us off guard. My Dad was the first to fail in health. When he needed 24/7 care, it was easy to convince Mom that it was necessary for her health and well being to put Dad in a nursing facility where she could visit him, not nurse him. When it was Mom's turn, she really wanted to stay home. We looked into home care, a real alternative to nursing homes. Now that I am 68, I want to prepare my children to help minimize the guilt they might feel if and when making decisions for my husband and me. Seeking advice from your lawyer, the doctors and counselors will help. Good luck to you.
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Pretty much the same thing happened with my Parents. One morning Dad was doing alright, that afternoon changed our whole world! Dad's stroke left him unable to walk and to use the left side of his body. We thought with Rehab he'd come home but it was soon seen that wasn't going to happen.

My Mom stayed in their Apt for 9 months thinking she was maintaing a home for Dad to come back to. Bless her heart! with her own health issues, there was no way Dad could come home under her care, Mom asked the Dr. when will he come home, the Dr said Mrs. xxx, under your health and Mr. xxx's health circumstances he should not go back to life as it was, it simply has changed and you are not equiped to handle him. finally Mom asked if she could go with Dad ( she loved the care he was receiving and she needed much more help also) Mom and Dad are room mates in Long Term Care.

They are happy and so am I, no more runs to see about Mom, runs to take her to see Dad now it's a one stop care visit. As all of the post before me has said, enlist the help of Dr.'s Social Workers, Elder Care Attorney's, Council on Aging etc, you'd be surprised at the help available.

LilliansBonnie, I'm 51 but I've began preparing my only child on how to care for me and her Dad. I'm keeping a journal for her with resources with the type of AL's and Long Term Care places that I like "IF" that becomes a factor. I have a lot to pass on to her but guilt and stress is not one of them.
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I had similar situation with my father, and my mother for that matter. Long story short; my father had renal failure as well as many other problems. He was then sent to rehab to get built up and physical therapy to help the walking/balance problems. But, doctor and facility said he needed 24/7 care and he ended up staying at the same facility.

It breaks all our hearts to have our parents require the permanent care of a facility. But so often, a must. I spoke about all the issues with my father's doctor and the social worker at the hospital and then the same at the rehab.

Perhaps the social worker at the hospital can talk to your mom and help her understand all the care he requires. These people, are so well trained in this and I found every one of them I met over the years to be great source of information and understanding.

Sadly, my father's health continued to fail and he passed away about 3 months later. I felt blessed he was in good hands and getting the on the spot quality care he required.. They kept him comfortable through everything and when things got worse, he didn't have to rush to the hospital or risk falling at home. They could take care of so much at the facility. I kept in touch with them constantly and could monitor all his care.

Hopefully, your mom can come to terms with the situation and realize she is unable to provide the level of care he needs. The people at Elder Services are also a great source of support. Bless you and take care.
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Deb: This is the place to ask questions and you will get many answers, not always in agreement, so you have lots of opinions to process. That's a good thing. How old is your mom. If her brother is in his 70's and he is the oldest, then I'm wondering about her age and health. I do agree with your rational that all these falls are proof that your mom can't keep him safe. On the other hand, if he goes home, how much walking will he be able to do. Maybe less and less chances to fall as a result. Still, he needs to use the bathroom, have meals, and not have bed sores. I doubt your mom, even with some day time care, can deal with that 24/7.

My heart goes out to you. What can you do about the POA/DPOA which is now in the hands of your mom's older brother. Can you communicate with the brother, your uncle, and explain the situation. Is he willing to come down and see for himself what is going on. That needs to be resolved and I agree that you children are probably most connected and aware of what your parents needs are.

I would suggest that you don't press you mom on the POA issue. She is very stressed and needs support right now. If you can accommodate her for a while; listen to her and reassure her that you want the best for both of them, you may gain some trust. If the Uncle could come down and see your mom struggling, maybe he would see the light and maybe your mom would too.

It's a step at a time and doesn't always happen the way we want it to; not fast and efficient. It takes time for people to realize that the care giving is more than they can provide.

This is not a perfect suggestion by any means. My heart goes out to you and your family,
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Deb, if mum will change the POA, I think that would be great. However, it may be more acceptable for mum rather than totally changing the POA , to have one of you added as a back up on the POA, and then talk to uncle about the wisdom of who actually exercises it. That way of he is ill, or does not want to do it, there is a younger family member (or two) already on the document. I think it is always wise to have a back-up on a POA, as life can change very quickly for anyonel. One step at a time, one breathe at a time! ((((((((hugs)))))))
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I agree with 3pinkroses. Hopefully you can find good support from your dad's doctor and medical social worker at the hospital. I'm going to mention something. Sometimes when elderly people get pneumonia it is an opportunity to let them go peacefully. I'm not in any way suggesting that you and your mom are in a position to make that decision right now. It sounds like your mom would not be ready to let her husband pass. From what you posted, it sounds like your dad has serious health issues. I don't know if he has advanced dementia or if the confusion you mention is due to the hospitalization. Do you have a DPOA for your parents? If so, hopefully you can have a serious talk with his doctor. Does your father has a DNR order? I would hope that your father will go into rehab, for the very least to get PT with the hopes of improving his walking ability. Maybe that time will help and counseling from others will help your mom realize that he needs more care than she can provide. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.
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Deb we are not going anywhere- Cattails and others gave you good advice and we will see this through with you-one day you will be able to help others. About 4 yeas ago I was losing my sanity and somehow found this site and could not believe how supportive others with their owm problems would take the time to encourage me and now I am on the other side and am able to help others. Keep us posted and there is no question that someone here has not had experience with themselves God bless you.
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It's me again. So, my sisters came in from far away and we couldn't meet with the lady my baby sister talked to all week. Turned out, at our 1 o'clock appt. we learned she was off today. We got extremely upset at this, because she had been briefed on the situation. We ended up seeing her super an hour later. After about 30 mins of this lady being wonderful to us, my baby sister started asking her about herself. It turned out, she was one of our deceased sister's best college buddies. She had been to mom and dad's to pool parties and she remembered them all. So God planned it all the way HE knew would be best for us. We were able to make them understand about dad's condition and how mom could not take care of him and after our conference, we called in mom. That was done so she didn't feel we were trying to do something without her knowing what was happening. The lady helped us so much to explain to mom about how the steps to possible recovery would go. She never mentioned things that would upset mom, like if he wasn't able to come home. And, yes, we know we must take it a day at a time and let God and the powers that be do what is right for both of them. They both need to have their license taken away, but, I don't have time to take them to every drs appt. they have and all my appts. too. So I'm torn on this one. Mom did make it sound like their Long Term Care Ins. would allow her help, but, that's not the way I heard it. It was more like, it's not worth the paper the contract was written on. They'll all find out when the time comes. I only asked them not to send him to that terrible facility I'd been in before. So, it was written down not to contact that one about a bed. Tonight I feel like a part of the burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and I was so thankful to my sister for their sacrifices to come into town and thankful they knew and understood the true nature of this situation. I never knew we all felt the same way and that they knew everything that was happening down here. Their support was worth a million. Now I'm left to supervise and explain as well as be concerned over the rest of the journey. Please keep sending your wonderful input and guidance. This support group has helped saved my sanity. Or at least the rest of it. Just don't leave me yet, the process is just beginning. Again, thanks to all that sent answers and I'm open to any others. My all be Blessed.
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Mom fell and has been in rehab since Feb. 17, 2012 . She is making progress but it is slow. What do I do if she can't stay in rehab, until she can walk alone and go to the bathroom by her self. I work from 7am til 6pm. How do I get the nursing home to keep her til she can be on her own?
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This is tricky and I think you are being as supportive to your mum as you can. I do agree with cattails that your mum will just have to get used to it. Can you speak to the doctor and nurses about her staying over against the drs instructions.It sounds like it is not good for your dad. Let us know how it is going!
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