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MIL, 93 years old, lives alone with with an aid that comes in 1 a week for two hours to help with light house keeping. She has breat cancer, high blood pressure, and only takes her meds occasionaly. She walks with a shuffle, with the aid of a cain, and climbs 1 flight of stairs at least 3 times a day. She doesn't take showers but take a sponge bath, we don't think she is washing landry and at the last Dr visit the Dr suggested assisted living. This is a very stubbern woman. We believe she has dememtia, has trouble paying bills, left the stove on with an emplty pan on the burner.

My husband is the only child and he doesn't want her mad at him, so we have set up a family meeting to take place this Saturday, to talk about her living arrangment the way it is and what she needs to do. The question has come up do we tell her that we are all coming over to visit or do we just show up? One cousin thing we need to let her know that we are coming to talk to her about her living situation. I'm torn between telling her and not telling her.

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I am an only child and can understand your situation some. My mother's neurologist wanted her to go to an assisted living several years ago but she refused. She never told me about the riders on the long term insurance that she had paid for that would have paid 80% of home health care and home builder care. She and my step-dad preferred to pay an unlicensed person to help them who ended up stealing money from them. My mother did not go until a doctor sent her to a nursing home for rehab after a stroke, but then she fell and broke her hip and just gave up after that. It might help to have someone from social services to do an evaluation of your MIL's living situation and make sure you tell them what you have observed. Who has durable and medical POA? Has your MIL been evaluated for dementia for it sounds like she is not competent anymore business wise and home care wise. The more third party people she can hear telling her it is not safe for her to live the way she is the better. Making her angry or not what she needs is for her adult son to do what is best for making her safe and making sure that she is cared for without throwing anyone or anything under the bus. I wish you well.
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Your family is doing the right thing. You know her best. It would be nice to let her know you all want to visit, but don't let her know why ahead of time. However,if she will get suspicious and not let you all in, you may be better off surprising her. I'm afraid this is one situation where each individual is so unique that one approach doesn't work for all.
Good luck. This will be hard but it's the right thing to do.
Carol
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Does your MIL have a friend or neighbor she sees regularly? My husband is only child and a neighbor who always checked on his mother and visited daily, helped us when we had to talk to his mother about this topic. She could support what we were talking about as she was concerned for her safety and well being. My MIL too, was very stubborn and independent.

One thing to keep in mind and this was in our situation anyway, my MIL was very outgoing, and enjoyed people in and out of her home; however, we noticed that as dementia set in, she was getting overwhelmed when more than two people were in her house talking to her. She would become full of anxiety and defensive.

It's anxiety caused by the disease. Just something to consider. There are different approaches for every family. In our case, we would visit unannounced, as she would either forget we were coming or was suspicious.

Hope all works out for you.
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Thank you for the reply. MIL doesn't like Dr and so no we have not had her evaluated. I would like to, but it is all we can do to get her to the Med oncolgist. She would never consent to having an evaluation to confirm what we think. I would like to have someone from social services come it, but my husband is not for it at this time.

3pinkroses, I am sorry to say, she doesn't have any friend that she sees regularly. She would rather is in her condo and look out the window, at the passing world, "in the dark". My MIL becomes defensive when we talk about what she needs to take care of herself and she just keeps saying "I will know when the time comes, and I don't need a plan".

My husband is going to let her know either Friday or early Saturday morning that we are coming over for coffee and goodies. But I'm sure she is going to suspect something is going on. Good thing he has a key. We are all going to meet at a coffee place before we head to his Mom's to try and come up some type of plan to talk to her.

I will post an up date. Again thank you for the replies.
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dllynn,

Good Luck with your family meeting. I know this can be a stressful situation but if you are prepared things can go well and everyone can be happy...including your Mother in Law.

Here is an article to help your family meeting run smoothly.

Family Meetings: How to Have Peace and Avoid Arguments
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/holding-family-meetings-142664.htm

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!

Karie H.
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Do you have options for much more frequent in-home care and/or assisted living lined up for her to review? Having those in hand, rather than getting her consent to gather the information, will do two important things: 1) show active concern that the current situation end immediately and 2) get you off to the next step faster. Once the meeting is over, the exhaustion and spent emotion are likely to slow you down a bit before taking the next step. This way, you can strike while the iron is hot.

Help your husband see that demanding extra care for his mother, despite her wishes to deny the obvious, is GOOD CARETAKING now. Just as you would never let a little kid decide to live alone, because they haven't the skills and judgment to care for herself without supervision, neither does your MIL possess the physical capacity or judgment to live alone.

I know it's Friday, but can you find a social worker, or geriatric care manager, or some third party skilled enough to run the discussion and mediate the energy in the room? This per on could also give your MIL a MoCA test ( I believe it stands for Montreal Assessment for Dementia, though I could be wrong). It would be a great way for you all to see how impaired she is; it is very likely more than you even suspect. And your Mom will take the test, as they all do, to prove to you that she can take care of herself.
Keep breathing. The more centered and grounded you can keep yourself, the more stable energy you deliver to the event to help people anchor to. Just say to yourself, "I am grounded to the earth and to the stars" and you may feel a change. Take a quick walk outside and let your bare feet touch the earth for a minute or longer. Hug a tree. Slap your feet on the bottom a few times. Each of these is an actual way to help your body be more rooted and grounded, silly as some seem. I promise they will work, and help you.
Finally, when you notice someone getting worked up , deliberately match their breathing pattern. Then start to slow yours down, and watch how theirs calms down too. If you get them to entrain to your calmer vibe, they will calm down some, and the temperature in the room will lower.

Good luck to you all!
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JaneB thank you for your reply. The family is going to meet a couple of hours before we head on over to my MIL. My husband and I have already been in contact with an Assisted Living faciltiy and in fact it is the one my Mom is at and my MIL has been there. My MIL has told the family that she think the place this place is very nice. We have also discussed the option of requiring the home aid to come daily to help with med managment, unpluging the stove, having the aid do the landry and a few other things my MIL is not doing. We know that she is not taking showers but at this time we are not going to push this issue. And any thing she agrees to, I want in writing, as she doesn't remember things. But then her come back will be "I have the right to change my mind". We hear this all of the time.

As far as having a social worker or some one else come in, my husband, I don't think, would be in favor of that. I would and I think the MoCA test would be a good eye openner. While many others take the test to prove that they are OK, I can just hear my MIL "No way, I'm just fine" but I could be wrong.

Thank you very much about "keep breathing". This one I need to write down and take with me. And the one about being grounded. I need to remember both of these when talking with my own Mom, who has dementia but is so much easier to work with. My Mom has her days, where I just want to walk away and not come back but they aren't many.

Again thanks for all of your suggestion. Saturday is just one day away.
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Good luck with the meeting-it does not sound like at this point that she is able to make the decision-getting her into a safe envirnment is what needs to be done and your husband may just have to let her get mad at him-she will get over it in time and she probably knows this is what is best for her all around.
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My husband let his Mom know that we were all coming over this morning. He let her know that the cousins had expressed a concern for her and that we thought it would be good to have them over. But before we met with his Mom, we all met at a coffee shop to discuss how to approach the subject of her moving to assisted living. Well, we all decided that it might be best to say that it would be better if she were closer to where we live and they would be closer. At first we thought that she was going to say no, but that was not the case. She said that she thought that might not be a bad idea and that she would do would ever. We let the family know that we had been looking into the same place that my Mom lives and so we asked my MIL if she would be willing to go and take a tour. She said OK, so off we went. We looked at several apts. And in the end we put a deposit down on an apt and tomorrow we move her in. I think for tonight both my husband I can breath. But we are waiting for the other shoe to drop. We will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. But tonight we can rest a bit easier knowing that when we left her at her condo this afternoon, she was OK with what was about to happen. She did surprise us all. I hope there are no surprises tomorrow.
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Dllyn, what great, great news! Smart tactic! I've been thinking of you all day. Keep us posted on the move. A gabillion blessings to you all.y
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Dilynn I am so glad things went well-keep us posted-it is great the whole family was involved.
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dllynn, I guess your mother-in-law DID know when it was time. (ha) It's funny how we can get ourselves all worked up, then suddenly it's over and we find out we worried for nothing. Been there, done that. Good luck for MIL's future plans. But you're right, I'd be on high alert until she actually moves into her new place. And sell the house, otherwise when she decides she hates it there, the first thing she's gonna want to do is go 'back home'. Been there, done that one too.
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Well. the other shoe dropped. My husband was the 1st to arrive at my MIL to help with the packing up of her things for the big move today and she didn't remember anything about her signing the rent agreement, or putting money down on the apt. When my husband reminded her about yesterday now the story was she was changing her mind. I knew that yesterday was to good to be true. This is the woman who said breast cancer is not serious. She has a tumor the size of a lemon on her breast, has left the stove on, is very unstable on her feet, takes sponge bathes and I can't tell you the last time she did landry.

I got there and said she had put a deposit on the apt and sign the rentral agreement and that the family was coming over to help with the move. She said she changed her mind and that maybe now was not the right time to move. Well the family showed up and we talked a little bit and then she was all on board. She asked us to just packet things up. She told us that she was excited to move and that she was ready for the new adventure. We moved her in, hung up pictures and she was saying that her heart was at peace and that having her belongs there made all the difference. My husband was saying that he wished he had the video camera so that we could capture these moment because we know that in the morning it would be different. Well, it didn't event take until the morning. We had dinner with my Mom, who also lives at the same retirement center. And then by the time dinner was over and my husband walked her back to her apt, she was ready to go back to her condo. That maybe she was making a mistake. She said that she didn't know that she would be spending the night. She then started to bring up the list of 5 items that she thought the 1st care taker took. And after she listed the items. We told her that we found all the items that in fact one of the items she listed, she was wearing at that moment. We talked with her for about an hour. During that time we told her that she was not going home, she would be spending the night and that family was coming back in the morning to visit with her. She again asked if we were taking her home. Again we said no. We asked if she wanted one of us to spend the nigh with her and she said no. We said OK but also advised her that we would be back 1st thing in the morning as we are concerned about her waking up in a strange place. But she instisted that she would be fine. Now we are concerned that this might not be the right place for her, maybe she needs more of a memory care unit. But we will just have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. I do have to say that one of the cousin said they really had their eyes opened to what has been happening and the difficultes that we have been having. It is time for a glass of wine. NancyH, I told my husband that maybe we need to clean out the condo and get is on the market because she wants to go back home now.
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dilyn: My heart goes out to you and your family. Here's the best thing; you got her moved and out of the condo. Here's a good thing; the family and even your husband and yourself realize she's worse off mentally than you may have originally thought. The bad news is you may be correct that she will require a memory center placement.

I applaud you for all the steps you and your husband took to get her moved. Good luck and keep us posted. Hugs.
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Great advice to clear out the condo. Where are the people who work at this facility who serve as the transition help team? They should be helping! Is it a continuing care facility, where you can step up tge level of care she fets? Such a hard road for everyone. I'm glad your family is stepping up to help.
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Thank you all for your thoughts and replys. After what happened on Sunday, we were worried about Mon morning and what type of confusion she might have waking up in a strange place. Once we arrived and opened the door, she had taken pictures off the wall, the little things that we had brought from home were all in little piles on tables. It looked like she was planning on moving out. But she was sitting there eating a piece of toast and was going to make herself a cup of coffee. Seeing this I just needed to escape. I took my phone and I had some mail I need to drop off with my Mom, so out the door I went. Down the hall to my Mom's and I had a cup of coffee with her. Well I went back and my husband and his Mom were just sitting there chatting. He told me that last night she was angry and she took the things off the wall then, she wanted to take control, but this morning she was sitting there kind of laughing about her anger from last night and every thing was just fine.

One of the cousins came over later in the morning, with her mother and grandkids, and my MIL was really enjoying herself. This vist tired her out and so we all left. We also let her know that we would be back at 5:30 for dinner and we would be eating again with my Mom.

Well, at 5:30 she was again not happy and was ready to go back to the condo. I'm thinking she may have sundowners. But I helped her get down to dinner and I had a glass of red wine waiting for her. Other residences from the center stopped by the table and welcomed her and by the end of the evening and when we dropped her off in her room, things had calmed down.

As a family we are going to try and work out a schedule so that here at first someone will visit with her and they will try to work it so we will get a break. I am also a little concerned that I also spend just as much time with my Mom, so that she doens't feel like is she taking a 2nd sit to my MIL. I think it can be a fine line to balance having both of our moms at the same place but at the same time a lot of less travel time to see them both. And they both get along.
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dllynn, I went through the balancing act of trying to keep up with my own mother, while my husband's mother demanded more attention at the time. I told my mom that she had dad to help her, but my mother-in-law didn't have a husband anymore. While mom understood that, she didn't like it. Tell your mother that this is only temporary with all the extra attention you're giving m.i.l. and soon things will balance out. She understands I'm sure, but that doesn't mean she has to like it.
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dilynn it sounds like you are doing just fine-she will probably go back and forth for a while it takes a couple of weeks but now you know she is safe and the other folks there have seemed to welcome here so she will make friends.
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NancyH, thank you for your reply. My mom was feeling a little left out yesterday, as I was spending time with my MIL. I try and explain to my Mom that right now the my MIL needs this attention. I am kind of the middle person between my MIL and my husband. But my mom forgets what we talked about. She also want to see more of my MIL but I have to explain to her that my MIL is more of a quite person, keeps to herself and that she just needs time to adjust to living in a new place. Being a very social person, my mom has a hard understanding that my MIL just wants to be left alone and not come out of her room.

195 Austin, thank you also. I think you are correct. I believe that she will be up and down for awhile. Thing went well yesterday and we left her feeling really good. The next hump will be when they start with the medication managment. She only needs to take pills once a day, but I see some restance on that one. And then when PT starts. We need to get her up walking. Well more later, I have duties to take care of with my Grandson.
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My MIL has now been in the assisted living center for 5 days and so far we out of 5 days only two have been good days. We are starting to think that she may have sundowns. Every morning that we have been these she is very up beat and just keeps saying that this has been a wise choice. That she is at peace and couldn't be happer. Then we stop to have dinner and the world is now upside down. She went so far the other night to point her finger at me and said it's all your fault. You shouldn't be so happy coming in here when I'm so sad. Well, I still walked her down to the dinning hall and had a glass of red wine waiting for her. After dinner it went a little smoother. Not sure how many more evenings like that I can take. I know my husband really can't take any more, but we keep saying to ourself, it's not his Mom in there, it's not his Mom in that body. Sometimes it works and sometime not so well.
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dllynn, it sounds like your MIL's mind is continuing to decline. Have you visited the Sundowner’s Facts website for more information about this? I guess this site would have some articles about Sundowner's. You probably need to talk with her doctor about this. BTW, what meds is she on?
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Dyllin: In spite of the problems, your MIL is in the right place. Don't forget that.
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I have made visits to different Sundowners websites. All the information had been good. We are thinking that we need to see that she has more than just toast for lunch, that if she has at least a 1/2 a sandwich, she is much better. I would love to talk with her Dr about this but since she doens't go to the Dr often, it's hard to do that. As for meds, she is only on a high blood pressure and one for the breast cancer, which, most of the time she doesn't take.

We have her signed up for assisted living for medication managment, I also just today signed her up to have lunches delivered to her room, to make sure that she has lunch. I am hoping that soon we will get PT started to help her with her walking and balance.

And to all, we know that she is in a much better place. We are more at peace because we know that she is safe.
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That is great that she can have a glass of wine with dinner. Maybe they can have more light in her room at dark that might help-sundowners is so hard for some people to understand when my husband was in rehad the first of 16 or so stays his roomate had it and his wife just could not understand what was going on with him even though I told her what was hapening to him at the time. It will be an adjustment for everyone-the NH my husband was in the most have activities in the evening-singing old songs or watching movies from way back that helped the residents a lot.
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