I'm in the process of placing Mom into an assisted living facility. We are afraid to tell her but we have already paid for the first month. How do we tell her?

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I'm in the process of placing Mom into an ALF. Already paid for the first month. She has lived with us for 2 yrs. Moms in good health, never fallen and is 96 years old. She can be argumentative, stubborn. We're afraid to tell her about the ALF because she'll refuse to go. My husband is tired of losing our privacy and her negativity. So we thought about telling her she'll need physical therapy and it's at a facility that she has to stay over night. Her new Doctor will go along with this ploy. I just wish we could be honest. She does have mild dementia and lacks words for objects. She just stays in her room and watches TV and stairs at the walls. Only comes out for meals. Seldom will she go out grocery shopping with me. She's just existing. Please, need some help and suggetions.

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You need to do what is best. It is very stressfull to take care of an aging parent or family member! I know we did it and will be forever grateful to all the help we had from caregivers, we couldn't have done it otherwise. However we made the decision to place mom in AL. we think that the other people around her will help to get her to interact a little more.....we will see though. Do not feel guilty God didn't make all his children to be in home caregivers. He gave us free will and intellect so we could make decisions for ourselves. I admire those who can do in home care but.....I also admire those who can be HONEST enough to say they can't! As long as you research the facility and visit often she might just like it there? Good luck and God Bless your decision
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I've been told they adjust easier by "not" visiting everyone outside the ALF. In fact, the holidays are approaching soon and I thought it would be nice to bring mom up here to our home for Christmas. But it has been suggested not to do that, she'll want to stay, visit her room and have a hard time leaving. So, guess we'll take her out to dinner on Christmas Eve. This is so tough. But what really surprises us, is she has never asked once about visiting our house or to come up for dinner. She has her cat there plus her friends that she eats with all the time. So don't want to disturb that environment. Good Luck
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Thanjs so much. I'm so glad u have a good outcome! I think we are going to start AL Nov. 1. I'm thinking maybe she could go back home or visit my sister monthly for 4-5 days a month. Help her transition and stay in touch with the family. Maybe for 3-4 months. Getting close to a decision. So hard.
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We were not going to tell Mom, just take her down, but she found out via the Bank. Was extremely mad, but took her down, told her she had no choice. We showed the room to her and it was "ok". She doesn't make friends easily. But the facility placed her with some nice ladies around her age and they eat three meals together. She also now plays bingo once a week with one of her friends. So she's adjusting well. I'm her courier when she needs personal items and take her out to lunch maybe twice a month. She considers this her last home. The sad part of this is that my sister only visits her twice a year but lives in Denver and my Brother maybe twice a year and lives in Atlanta which is only 4 hrs away. So bottom line, she is doing great and we are so relieved. Good luck, I'll say an extra prayer. Pricetag
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Pricetag...it's a year later now. I am facing some of what you are...trying to decide about moving mom to AL. Just wondered if your mom went to AL and how she adjusted. Thx.
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March, you need to go somewhere where you'll be safe. Whatever that means, do it. Don't become the story we hear on the news about someone being murdered, then the murderer kills him or herself. Don't be that person that's so afraid of what other people are going to say, that they risk their own sanity or life.
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I am 78 nd am seriously considering moving into an ALF,as I am esry of maintaining a home with dificulties of finding/keeping good at-home HELP.Alleric to dust,my only family member that truly Helps me--however his he Is mentally ill,with half a brain (hit by tractor trailer, other serious brain traumas, with narcissic/psycho elements which devastates mw with abuse = to greater than Help provided makes me scared as his Obssesive "object", means very limited peace, as he has NO empathy,remorse,undertanding beyond "attention" oriente. Bad or Good--doesnt' matter. Iwory when he will harm me beyong repain. My move would be strictly to remove fear of Non-working relationship. Should I try to move in AL to avoid family squabbles?
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Annie 233,
Are you kidding with that response? How cold hearted can you be? I too am struggling with "do I or don 't I" put mom in a NH now. It's getting far too difficult for me, I work fulltime, have a disabled husband and my mom with dementia, blind in one eye, deaf and downright mean at times. She was NOT like that in my growing up years. I cannot get a minute without her as she has to go wherever I go including on "dates" with my husband. She has to have me there if I am home. Why would you berate someone who is only trying to do their best with circumstances that are so difficult. I sincerely hope NO ONE ever judges you like that.
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You're very welcome, pricetag! A much Happier New Year to you. This website saved my life when I was going through the meat grinder of stress and guilt. I don't post a whole lot but read everyday. It is so helpful to know you are not alone in this journey. There are millions of us with similar experiences. Love back at ya! :) Windytown
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Windytown and Naheaton. Thank you so much for your support and suggestions. Happy New Year also, especially to the caregivers throughout the world. Love Pricetag
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