Should I tell my Mother of her dear friends passing?

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Mom has some dementia and a high level of anxiety but also a very keen intuition! Should I tell her of her dear friends passing? Today in a fret Mom told me she felt like something is going to happen and was worried that she won't be able to go...thinking of her Sisters health. Well Mom hasnt been told but the health of another of her dearest friends is at a very critical stage, Mom hasn't accepted the loss of a dear friend who passed last Dec and is still coping with the loss of her oldest child last Nov. Mom wants to be in the know about everything and body and always ask about her family and friends by name. At this junction in life should I tell Mom this type of news or just act like I don't know when she ask me. I dont like deception but I don't want to worry her anymore than she does naturally.

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Thanks ild1227, I did the Memorial Ceremony with my Parents when my Sister passed as they were unable to travel for the Services and may? do the same again when another like situation arrises.

@ jeannegibbs, I agree, up close and personal caregiving for someone with dementia can be a life changer! The things I thought I would never be forced to do and deal with stare me in the face every day.
Thank you for replying
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Jeanne: No ALZ. My dad has some vascular dementia due to stroke, but nothing like others go through. Hugs, Cattails
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My condolences. I am sorry for your loss.
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jeannegibbs...to answer your question...I cared for my mother who had early dementia. She passed away in April 2011 from "complications related to dementia".
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I'm just curious, (and not at all critical) -- and maybe those who have answered are no longer following this thread. But here is my little survey, just to satisfy my own curiosity.

Among those who answered, have you personally done caregiving for someone who has dementia?

I know that my own perspectives changed drastically once I was there up close and personal.
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It sounds as though you cannot put too much past her. Can you bring this matter up to her doctor or, perhaps, a counselor who deals with dementia patients. I am at the end of a masters in gerontology and, while every situation is slightly different, I do know that dementia clients tend to have lucid moments. When you know she is experiencing this lucid period, I would think it is best to gingerly tell her that her friend did pass away, and that you were only recently told about it. If her friend lives locally, you might want to plan a trip to the cemetery so she can pay her respects. If she lived in another state, a suggestion would be to do something so she can honor her friend (i.e., a memorial service in a place her friend might have enjoyed, such as a park, beach, lake area, etc., or offer up a mass (if she/he were Christian), or even a simple service in your backyard). This will allow her to honor and mourn the passing of her friend and have closure. Isn't that what final services all about anyway? If her friend was a very positive and happy-go-lucky type person, you could take her to lunch and have a toast in her honor. I think keeping from her will only cause resentment, if she were to find out by someone who my slip in a conversation. This way, you allow her to be in control of the situation. Hope this helps.
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Thanks everyone for your input. I've pretty much decided to play it by ear . Today mom spoke of her friends passing last Dec. a few weeks ago she asked of her well being. I will not volunteer information, it's info over load at this point. Thanks again.
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So, there you have the answer. Tell her, or don't tell her. One thing these responses should reassure you of is there is no obvious right answer to your question. You'll need to play it by ear and do what seems right in your particular circumstances. So much depends on what specific cognitive impairments she has at this point.

One thing you can do -- reassure her about her sister. If both Mom and Aunt can still carry on telephone conversations you might try to arrange that. It is her sister she is anxious about right now and you can at least lay that concern to rest. If they can't have a phone call perhaps you can call a cousin and then convey to Mom the content of that call.

Whether you decide to tell her or not, the concept of "deceiving" our loved ones who have dementia is simply not relevant. Their own minds are shutting out reality. In any given stage they may be 40 or 28. They may be a child in their parents' house. They may be a famous actor or have magical powers. A friend's father was the governor and my husband was once an airplane. The "truth" of our world may or may not apply in their worlds. Unless you are pulling something shady to seize their assets, don't be overly concerned about "deceiving" -- be concerned about what will give your loved one the most peace.

Act in love, and whatever you decide is the best you can do. Make a decision, carry it out, and don't beat yourself up if the results aren't what you wanted. All any of us can do is our best, in love.
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You don't state, or I didn't see, what stage your mom is in...that is for example, my mom doesn't remember anyone so it would be pointless to possibly upset her. I don't think my mom could even comprehend what died means.

Given that your mom is dealing with anxiety already and deaths within the last 6 months i would not tell her. Omission. Also I'd like to correct those who have said don't deceive mom; I don't believe we deceive our LO we tell therapeutic lies or omit to protect them from overwhelming stressors and feelings.
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I think you should tell her. She may not remember, and ask about her friend again in the future. But, I wouldn't deceive her. You never know what they will be able to recall and what they won't. (You don't want her remembering that you lied to her.) In the future you may want to consider not volunteering information.. But, if she asks about something or someone, give her the info.
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