How can we tell my mom that we need her to help with money for food and her personal items when she stays at our house?

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The main problem is really your Mom. She is being disrespectful to you by turning you into a "rehab." She no longer sees you as a loving child. Happens all the time to caregivers. Some parents seem to respect the child who takes advantage of them while treating the caregiver poorly.
I am afraid until you set some limits and make this crystal clear to your Mom you will continue being a doormat. Decide what situation is best for you. When Mom returns to the "favorite" child's home, sit down with her and/or your sibs and tell them all that you are no longer a freelance rehab center. You will no longer be available for this type of interim care. Tell your Mom that she is welcomed to live with you permanently and that she will have to help out with the costs associated with her care (only fair.) Then stay FIRM - do not let your sibs deter you, do not let your mother stay with you if she tries this same thing again, and report any neglect to family services and let them handle it. You are already doing your fair share....you just need some self respect.
good luck,
Lilli
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When you have that meeting, show mother & the family how she can "pay" you but live more economically and better with you. Be sure you have the space and comfort for mom worked out and be very truthful about everything. Be sure you know about the help that you can get to come in and plan your hours/days off.
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Estee,
Every family should be so lucky to have a willing caregiver such as you! As soon as your mom recovers from the current "crisis" you need to call a family meeting. Get everyone, including your father, into one room and don't let anyone leave until you have worked out the following issues:
1) Long Term Plan for taking care of mom and dad that includes all the "what if" situations like: What if you get sick and can no longer take care of dad; what if dad or mom reach the point where nursing care or assisted living is required how will the family pay for it; what if Dad or Mom's Pension/Medicare benefits run out and you have to find work to pay your own living expenses who will take care of dad while you work?
2) Respite Care plan. You need at least one day a week and one week a year that you can go off and do your own thing without worrying about mom or dad. Ask your siblings to either volunteer time at your house to do this or pay a professional caregiver to take over for you during these times. If you don't do this you will burn out and be of no use to anyone so stick to your guns and don't let anyone leave the room until you have an answer.
3) Financial Plan--make darn sure that both mom and dad have a Will both for their estate and for their End of Life wishes. The last thing you need as a dedicated caregiver is to have to make heavy life or death health care decisions that may leave the family destitute. And you do not want everyone to fight over the remaining estate (after the State takes its share in probate taxes) because there was no Will to say who gets what.
And if your family gives you grief about holding such a meeting, leave town for three days without telling anyone where you are. I guarantee they will take you seriously when you return.
Hang in there!
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Is there anything she finds uncomfortable at your house?
Otherwise, she seems to feel obligated to help out the other grown children, or has a partially towards them, or is being influenced by them to help them financially. Insist that her caregivers continue to care for her when she is sick-- that may give them & her a wake-up call. If she is being taken advantage of or neglected, call adult protective services to investigate the situation.
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Sounds like you have to simply tell your mother and your siblings that either they take care of your mother when she needs help, or they must pay you for her expenses if you take care of her. Sometimes the best time to have this sort of conversation is when there is no crisis -- If you continue to take your mother in without their help or her covering her expenses, then they will keep letting you do it.
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