How do I talk with my mother who has dementia?

Stephanie, is your mom actually saying to you' you're to blame for my condition?' or are you reading between the lines? If it's the latter, then stop reading between the lines. With dementia that is NOT the logical thing to do. The person who's brain has been compromised with Alz or dementia isn't being logical anymore, so you have to let many things go that they say. If she's being mean to you, change the subject and talk about things that used to interest her, gotta distract her. If all she has is a phone call from you and not an actual person to talk to, are you sure she even knows who's she talking to? If you're separated by distance, send her a picture of you that she will remember. Her long term memories are most likely still there, but the short term has gone AWOL so that's the way I'd talk to her. I'd talk about things that she remembers, forget the 'now' stuff. And if she gets really abusive on the phone, I'd tell her 'well mom seems like you're not wanting to talk right now, so we'll talk later' or something like that. No use being a martyr and putting yourself through abuse on a constant basis. That's not logical either. Sorry about your mom.

That is SO rough, and I am truly sorry that you have to endure this. Just know it IS the disease, and not the mom you love, talking. I have had a lot of success talking with Dementia clients about things which evoke physical good memories. The sight and smell of laundry drying in the wind, the feeling of dipping your toe into water, the smells in the kitchen growing up. If you have memories of her baking cookies, tell her that on the phone. Like "Mom, it smelled SO good in the house when you used to bake chocolate chip cookies." I swear those smell related memories calm them down. In person, my trick is wrapping their hands in very warm wet washcloths, and then doing a hand/forearm massage. I also practice dropping my tone to low, when speaking, and it brings calm. Not quiet, but lower pitch. You say it's frustrating to even know who she is... well - it's frustrating to her, too. Sometimes I tell my clients "I know you're frustrated." they seem to be grateful that somebody actually acknowledges this. Mostly, you just try things until you find that magic that works. I wish you the best. Please take a breath and take good care of YOU.

I'm so glad for you happier phone experience. Cherish those.

Do you have a more specific diagnosis, as to the type of dementia your mother has? Sometimes that can help you understand what is happening to her and what to expect.

The type of dementia my husband has (LBD) does not usually involve not recognizing familiar people, but he did go through a very brief period early on when he did not recognize our children, etc. One day he was sitting on the couch and as I walked through the living room, he asked politely if I had a moment to talk to him. I sat on the couch with him and he said in a quiet scared voice, "I know this is strange, but I don't know who I am. Do you know?" I don't know how I didn't burst out crying, but in a calm matter-of-fact way I told him that yes, I knew who he was. He was a kind, intelligent man. He had been a successful mechanical engineer before he retired. I was his wife of 30 years, and we had children who loved him. He had a very good mind but it wasn't working quite right at the moment. Even when he didn't know who he was, I knew, and I would always see that he was taken care of and that I wouldn't let anything bad happen to him.

OMG! Can you even imagine sitting on a couch in a place you didn't recognize, wondering who you were? And not knowing if you could trust the people surrounding you? That may be an extreme example, but I think our loved ones with dementia have many disorienting or terrifying lapses in their basic view of the world. The real wonder is that they are not all belligerent and aggressive all the time.

Ruth, the world is a little better place for a few of these hurting souls because of your kindness and understanding.

I called mom yesterday and she was in good spirits. I was suprized she talked to me. We had a 15 minute conversation. Thats the first in a long time. I let her talk about her dream. Wanting her new place and all of us visiting. It was beautiful. Today was sad. Shes confused and sad. But I hold on to the conversation we had and hope for more soon. Thanks

My Father's dementia is galloping. He was once the center of any conversation in spite of the fact that he was deaf and his lip reading skills were questionable (I'm being kind) and he signed equally well. Now, he is often confused, time travels, disoriented...you know the drill. The fact is, talking to him has become frustrating at best. So many family members who speak of his "delightful" personality have become no-shows. Friends are not much better-it's pretty much me and my family. The point I am trying to make is the fact that this disgusting process has taught me a valuable lesson I'd like to share. Our elders are no longer who we remember. They change from day to day, moment to moment. They are frightned, confused and alternately thrilled and excited. Sometimes, even on point and insightful. I've learned to accept the Dad I get. I do this by not having any expectations other than somewhere in his failing brain is the man who loved us all, taught us to laugh at ourselves and forced us to learn our times tables. Maybe it's easier for me because as a result of his deafness; I can yell at him when he's driving me nuts and he doesn't know. I smile, nod and pray for the good days and chalk up the bad ones (lot of those!) to rotten luck. Enjoy the good days!

Dear Stephaniek, I go through the same thing with my 86 y/o Mom in mild dementia steadily getting worse. I am her only child (62 y/o).So far she still is able to live alone and do the basic things required to take care of herself and her apt and still does it quite well. I visit her on average 4 or more times a week, but I have learned to make my visits shorter because they are too stressful due to her mental confusion, ornrery attitude, repetitiveness and/or contradictions from one minute to the next. The longer I stay, the more likely she will start some kind of argument. It's so difficult to have a normal conversation with her. Sometimes she starts complaining and insulting me within minutes of my arrival - and I usually have just arrived from food shopping or bringing her laundry, medicine, etc. It even happens when I phone her. Lately I have taken to telling her that I refuse to listen to her berating me (for no valid reason) and then I say goodbye and hang up. When I visit, I try to focus on doing what I went there to do and not let her distract me (she usually has a number of other things for me to do or mail to look at) and do what I need to do first. When she gets very negative, she either tells me to get out, or I tell her I'm leaving at that point, but I always kiss her and tell her I love her even if she sometimes tries to push me away from doing so. Then I start to laugh and it's like dealing with a little child having a hissy fit. It is extremely hurtful to be treated mean when you do everything in your power to look after her needs and keep her healthy because you love her. I've learned to just do what I have to do and not expect much in the way of appreciation - I feel good when she does express it. Like many others have stated, this is not the parent you knew and loved prior to the dementia. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that they are not capable of behaving normally anymore and just continue working through their negativity and our own hurt feeings in order to continue doing our best for them.

Linny20, we don't know. In fact some behaviors are caused by or made worse by some of the medications. But the medications are being given for a reason. There was a symptom there to start with. A med was given to try to improve it. Sometimes it doesn't work; sometimes it makes matters worse; sometimes it works on the symptom it was prescribed for but causes another symptom.

Treating people with damaged brains is VERY complicated with our present state of knowledge. Working closely with a doctor who is committed to maintaining and improving quality of life is critical. Often it involved some try-and-try again experimentation with drugs.

Hi, Stephanie K-
I just read the two articles that Karie H. suggested, and they're very helpful. I have my 94 year old aunt at home with me - and it's a challenge, to say the least, and she's not abusive! It's just rough. One thing you may want to consider if you take your mom in, is to get as much outside support as you can. Adult day care is great if it's available - my aunt goes 3 times weekly for 8 hours a day. She gets field trips, lots of activities, exercise, and bingo. On Fridays, a deacon brings communion for the Catholics, and my aunt loves being part of that. There is also bible study and lots of singing. And once a month I put her in respite care for a weekend, so I can recharge. If these options are available for you where you live, they would help tremendously. Get all the support you can, all the information you can, and ask a lot of questions. A great resource, besides agingcare.com, are the resources they provide and also Alzheimer's Reading Room. Hope this helps!

First of all, try not to dread talking to your Mom. Be positive and optimistic when you call her and then respond to her as she is at the time. Reminiscing is a wonderful way to converse, even if it is very repetitive. Enjoy the good times and get over the bad ones. Take her as she is. Chances are, she will change from day to day as will her relationship to you. She will make you laugh, really hurt you with her words and make you feel like crying. Just try your best and try not to take everything she says personally. She really can't help it. After a bad conversation, do something that makes you feel better whether it be screaming, crying, praying, eating a piece of chocolate, hugging someone, petting a dog. Take care.

Having gone through being a caretaker of my mom who recently died from Alz...I've found the best way to talk to them is like a valued friend. My mom had no clue who I was for years, but at least I could be the 'nice lady' who came to visit and take care of her. :-) I found the hardest stage of all was the mid-stage of Alz. She was aggressive, paranoid and after just plain angry about everything. She blamed me for just about everything, stealing lying anything she could think of. You just need to try and not take them seriously (which can be hard while they are trying to hit you). This ONLY the disease talking, not them, they're gone and the disease has taken over. I send you my blessings and please realize that almost all of us here on this site have gone through the same or similar things with our loved ones. Lindaz