Like nateaton said, without knowing the details, here is my opinion...if something gives her comfort, then roll with it. I've found that when my mother is insistent that she needs to go to a doctor - even though she has forgotten that she saw one yesterday or doesn't need one, then simply saying, "Sure, I'll work on that for you." will settle my mom down. My mother's therapist has taught me to go along with her and hope that she will forget. Arguing with her will make her dig her heels in and there will be no peace - she won't forget under those circumstances. I will admit, sometimes my exhaustion and/or aggravation with her will make me try to reason with her until we are both frustrated beyond belief. If I remember that she can no longer reason and just try to say the thing that will give her peace, then things are much happier. (by the way, this is easier said than done!)
My experience is just to go along with it. That is her reality now. She has lost the power of reasoning. It doesn't have to make sense to us, but we can try to keep them calmer by just agreeing to whatever they are talking about. I always say that I go to her world, she no longer lives in mine. Don't try to "convince" her, it won't work, and as you said, you both get frustrated. To what end? Just go along with it, it will be less stressful for both of you... hugs to you. and welcome to this sight. hope you stay around..
So what do you say in these situations that I find myself in with my 89-year-old father? "I need rope." "May I ask why?" "To adjust the harness on our team of horses." "Dad, we don't have any horses. We haven't had horses for 45 years." OR "I have to leave now and have these soil samples tested." (He was an engineer for his whole life.) "Dad, there aren't any soil samples." "Well this is a concrete office (our house he's lived in for 30 years) and I have to have my soil samples tested." "This is your house, Dad. See the kitchen? See your chair? See your dog" OR "When are you taking me home?" "This is your home, Dad." repeat of above.
I don't know how to "go along with this" when he is expecting results. Everyone is right; contradiction is NOT what he wants to hear and arguing does no good. I try changing the subject, but sometimes he won't let it go.
So, is my situation similar to what everyone above me is finding, or am I on a different track here because he wants ACTION and there's no where to take him. He hasn't done engineering in 20 years, but there are times he really thinks he's still working and it's very real to him.
ppj, happy to hear the words helped. It does make things so much simpler and easier on Ruth I can not imagine what is going on and how she perceives things. Must be very frightening for her at times, especially if someone is trying to convince her what she is feeling is not true... it is true to her... so , like I said happy to hear that it helped. keep coming back and posting, it is good for the soul...I call this sight my "sanity saver".... hugs across the miles
Elizabethgrace, I was happy to see you say, "easier said than done". I sound like I am dealing with Mom's dementia, but there are times I could just scream. Times when I end up arguing, even though I know that it is a waste of breath!
Ladeeda, that is the perfect thought. I need to paste that somewhere I can read it!
My Mom is perfectly capable of having two parallel thoughts...My Aunt E. died this fall. Mom knows she died, she visits her at the cemetery. If you ask her, she'll say Aunt E is in heaven. Without a pause she'll then say, let's go! where? To see Aunt E! Over and over and over.
I agree with the go with it suggestions. That dosen't always work though. When a danger is involved. As always I have a story pertaining to this subject. Mom was living in my house, she was comfortable for the most part at the point in time of this story. On thursdays(I worked from 4pm till 8pm) I would take her to my job(hairdresser) she'd chat with the regular customers who were aware of her condition. So she enjoyed going there I think in her stage of dementia it was perfect surroundings,pleasant, social, we all made her pretty. Well one thursday for some reason she thought my boss was picking her up for a date. She waited by the front window for hours. I kept asking her Mom what are you doing, "Wainting for my date!" I'd say Ok and just took advantage of the respite so to speak. All the time wondering how long this would last. then the time came I had to leave to go to work. I thought to myself there is no way I am going to convince this woman there's no date. Yikes!!! what to do? So I called a friend, without mom knowing, asked her to call me back, so phone would ring, and I would pretend I was talking to Mom's date. So after I answered the phone I made sure Mom heard my conversation as I said "Ok I'll bring her there to meet you instead" Then I hung up and told Mom "yourdates car broke down so we have to go meet him." She just as I hoped"OH No is he ok, Let's go then he needs our help" So we were on our way. As soon as we got in car she forgot the whole thing about the date and were we were going. That sort of thing worked for only so long though. The dementia progressed and moods and delusion were out of control after a while. I had imaginary boundries, safety, security, and happiness, if any of these things were out of control call the police. Delusion is ok if harmless if it does not cause a danger. Hugs and Love
My dad has dillusions of drug runners trying to force drugs on him and taking him to odd places. It's hard to understand these dillusions but if you think outside the box it's the nurses telling him here's your meds and he's in a nursing home not his home. We did finally get him in a better nursing home that they hide the meds in food but he still has dillusions it's part of alz. He even has meds to help but it just numbs it, he still has dillusions just not as hard on him. When he wants something I can't give him I just say ok I'll work on it and change the subject to something he can have. I also make sure the nursing home has his favorite things like coke, cashews, ice cream and I take in a little candy once in a while. Dad has gone from 220 to 135 in a year so I don't think these treats along with his 2 servings at each meal will hurt anything. Dad has to be in a nursing home he's an aggressive alz and parkinson patient with sundowners.
Someone on this forum mentioned Naomi Feil Validation techniques in another string. I looked it up online and then got and read one of the books. It's totally changed how I handle these kinds of situations, and made me way more effective, which has eased up the stress on both me and my mom. It's also affecting how I am with other people who aren't delusional. Check it out. Really, really, powerfully useful.
Thanks so much for the suggestion. I have to stop at the library later and will look for this.
Sometimes I am better than others at remaining calm. I try to remind myself that Mom doesn't want things to be like this anymore than I do and there are only so many things you can change. This isn't one of them.
I don't know how to "go along with this" when he is expecting results. Everyone is right; contradiction is NOT what he wants to hear and arguing does no good. I try changing the subject, but sometimes he won't let it go.
So, is my situation similar to what everyone above me is finding, or am I on a different track here because he wants ACTION and there's no where to take him. He hasn't done engineering in 20 years, but there are times he really thinks he's still working and it's very real to him.
Ladeeda, that is the perfect thought. I need to paste that somewhere I can read it!
My Mom is perfectly capable of having two parallel thoughts...My Aunt E. died this fall. Mom knows she died, she visits her at the cemetery. If you ask her, she'll say Aunt E is in heaven. Without a pause she'll then say, let's go! where? To see Aunt E! Over and over and over.
I give everyone here credit for their patience.
I would just change the subject.
Sometimes I am better than others at remaining calm. I try to remind myself that Mom doesn't want things to be like this anymore than I do and there are only so many things you can change. This isn't one of them.
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